I am grasping at straws and random, 300 word documents trying my hardest to find anything and everything I can turn into a story. Really. Everything.

This story takes place a few months after Trying, and I think while it does include mentions of behaviors and situations that occur in eating disorders, this TW can be A LITTLE bit lighter. But only a bit. Any story can be triggering when it deals with this subject, and therefore I strongly advise anyone that is trigger sensitive to back away and read another of my stories.

Disclaimer: Every Witch Way is not mine. All of the information included in this story regarding behaviors is based on personal experience with myself and others as well as some limited research.

113.4

Emma Alonso bit her lip and shut her eyes, sighing. It was December 15th, and she had made herself a promise about scales and her eating disorder yesterday. Actually, a few promises.

1. No monitoring calorie intake

2. No getting on the scale at least until the new year

3. Eat like she didn't have a disorder

So far, all she had managed to follow was the last. However, it wasn't breakfast time yet.

Everyone was so proud of her, yesterday. She did well. Avoided the scale, until midnight when she got on because she couldn't sleep.

Now here she was. Square one.

Tears pricked her eyes and she groaned. Treatment would be forced on her if she didn't stop this shit. One wrong move, and Jax would know.

That was what she got, for moving in with her boyfriend when he knew she had an eating disorder.

She had gained four pounds. Two thousand calories had made her put on four pounds. Yes, Emma knew mathematically that was inaccurate. However, disordered Emma only cared what the scale told her.

And that, was that she was a fat idiot.

Self control was something Emma had always prided herself on. Part of the reason it took her so long to admit to herself she was in love with Jax was because she knew it wasn't something she was okay with, but she had no control over it.

He was the only thing she was okay with having absolutely no say in. Her weight, was the exact opposite.

Emma groaned, and ran her fingers through her hair. Andi knew she was trying, but she would ask questions. She knew she couldn't lie to her best friend. The girl had lived through anorexia, for God's sake. Put that and Emma's shitty lying skills together, she was screwed the second she left the house.

Maybe she shouldn't have been as focused or concerned with this as she was. Maybe she should have walked right out, eaten breakfast, and reminded herself that the scale did not dictate her worth.

That was what a smart person would do, if they didn't have a disorder. They would try to forget the number and nourish their body, especially since Emma could feel her stomach growl.

Instead, she headed right for the running shoes. Because she didn't know how else to act.

I can't. She thought. I just can't.

December 16th

110.2

She stepped off and groaned inwardly. Three miles of running, two hours of interval training, a whole day of fasting until she ate a bowl of popcorn with Andi, which was Skinny Pop because 'recovery' was baby steps, and nothing but three and a quarter pounds had left the scale.

She felt like a failure. All those calories, and nothing.

This was ridiculous and she knew it. She should go out into the kitchen ands eat, like she should have the day before. She really should.

But fear and anguish and self hatred overcame her, making the tears threaten to fall.

Stupid. The voice in her head spoke up, sounding like her, although she knew it was far from it. You are stupid, and threw away everything for your own stupid cravings. You aren't anorexic so you don't need to stop. Four miles and an extra half hour.

Drill sergeant was the best way Emma could describe the voice. It was commanding, and impossible to turn down. So, she did what she knew she shouldn't.

She put on her shoes, left a note saying she went to the park to take pictures, for Jax when he woke up, and ran. Magic would fix the sweat and the smell.

December 20th

111.0

A few days of running, and being a bit less mean to herself than she had been the first two after her binge, Emma took the quick opportunity she had while Jax was at the store, buying the last of the food they'd need for Christmas, to weight herself. She had had breakfast and lunch; it was three in the afternoon, after all.

But she wasn't happy.

She stepped off, went to her bedrrom, and fell on the bed with a groan. She couldn't run because he would be home, soon.

Christmas was really something she was dreading. Ham and turkey and macaroni and bread and stuffing and all sorts of food. Food she couldn't reject, less she allow everyone to realize she had relapsed within less than a day of trying to get better.

She was broken, and incapable, and pathetic. It was crazy that she couldn't do this. It was just as easy as eating. There was a reason gaining weight was so much easier than losing it. Her doctor wanted her back up to 117 at least, before she could stop going once a month. The quarters in her bra and heavy sweaters trick stopped working, too.

In five days, she would be expected to consume a ridiculous amount of food. And if she didn't, her secret would be out.

Emma shut her eyes, and bit her lip. She had to do it. It was noi longer debatable. When Jax got home, she absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, had to tell him she couldn't do this on her own.

It was going to hurt, and it was going to suck, and she didn't want to. The look on his face was going to make her feel so, so terrible. But, she had to, for herself. He would want her to come clean and ask him to take care of her, because deep down she knew it was the strong, brave thing to do.

The truth it was, then.

"Em. I'm home!"

I can't. She thought miserably. But I have to.

And, with all the strength she didn't have, she pulled herself into the kitchen, and told him everything.

Except the work outs and the fasting...

I'm working! I think if literally nothing on this Earth gets in my way, I can hit the 50k mark! Anyone else stoked?

Love you, guys! I'm sorry for all the angst lately, but for some odd reason writing drama helps me escape my own drama. I hope this was at least entertaining, and inspired anyone out there that didn't feel the need to listen to the TW to always put their health first, take a step forward, and get better. You are worth it!

Review?