A/N: I think many of you are going to be very happy with the prompt that won for today's chapter. :) It was requested by yasminimonteiro and many others. I deviated a bit from the actual prompt, but I think it went pretty well-let me know what you all think!
Also, the poll has been updated.
Thank you so much for all your support. For those who celebrate, I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving; for those who don't celebrate I hope you had a lovely Thursday. :p Also... happy (almost!) four days of crossovers. I'm SO excited.
Prompt: In reference to chapters 22/23, Kara comes back to life.
She drags a pen mark across the envelope of a letter from her sister. Another tally. Another day without Kara.
223 days to be exact.
Alex drops into her bed and curls onto her side, stomach sinking, shoulders heaving. She doesn't want to cry, she doesn't want to feel anymore. Christmas lights reflect in her window, and outside icy rain sloshes in the streets. She squeezes a pillow against her body and presses a blanket to her face so the fabric catches her tears and grows damp beneath her touch.
Kara. Kara. Kara.
The repetition in her head never stops. Time passes and she watches as the alarm clock by her bed ticks minutes away and sobs rack her body. Her frame quivers, her lungs pitter aching, violent breaths that scream out against the silence.
Kara. Kara. Kara.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Nothing's okay. It is never okay. Her diaphragm rises and falls; rises and falls in rapid succession. She coughs, sobbing so hard she thinks she might make herself sick.
God when does the pain ever stop? When does it end?
She doesn't know if she wants it to—doesn't know if living a life without Kara's absence tearing her apart is okay. Guilt swells in her stomach and anguish balloons in her chest and it feels like everything is over.
Everything is over.
Her shrieking tears are swallowed by the expanse of the night.
For the months following Kara's death, Alex was imprisoned in a hellish cycle, managing just barely to get though the day without breaking down. Then, when day turned to night she smuggled her feelings in clubs. She wanted to drink but didn't, instead allowing herself to be intoxicated by the thick air and sea of warm, fevered bodies clashing against hers. She liked when the music was so loud she couldn't hear her own thoughts; and when the clubs closed Alex stumbled home and cried herself to sleep amongst smoky sheets and empty apartments. She woke mere hours later and subjected her body to physical training so intense the ache in her muscles almost—almost—dampened the pain stripping her down to flesh and bone.
But it wasn't sustainable, and now Alex gets by, reclaims her life piece by piece, simply by putting one foot in foot of the other—because she has to, because it's what Kara would have wanted. So her work days are long and less exciting, but she fights with a new fire, a new painful desperation that propels her forward even though she doesn't have a sister to come home to each night. Movie nights and game nights fade away and it's okay (even though it's not) because it has to be and life doesn't stop and nobody ever really gets a choice anyway.
Alex sees Kara in the night sky and in stars. When it's dark and late and Alex is in her apartment she mistakes a lone footstep, a blowing curtain for the blonde. The agent closes her eyes and freezes; she has to remind herself that Kara is gone. And when the brunette sees a brownie recipe or a cute dog picture on Facebook, sometimes her fingers send it to Kara before her brain can catch up and stop her.
She waits hours for a reply that will never come.
Sometimes she calls Kara's phone just to hear her voice and sometimes Alex hangs up before she even reaches the second ring.
Kara's apartment is still intact—still a near perfect replica of the state it was on Kara's last day. Alex can't bring herself to call a realtor.
Other times everything feels so distant that Alex needs Kara's memory to bring her back, needs to fill the gaping hole in her chest even if it only causes more pain, just like in this moment. Alex uncurls herself, slowly, painfully, from beneath the barricade of blankets gathered like a nest on her bed. She fumbles in the darkness until her fingers collide with her lamp and she flicks on the lights.
She feels as though she must do something. The thought of another minute spent drowning in sobs is unbearable, so she slides off the mattress, presses her feet against the cold wood tile, and stumbles toward her dresser. As she tugs Kara's old sweater over her head she catches a glimpse of her face, staring back from the mirror. Her skin is wet, soaked with tears. The dampness flows from her cheeks to the tip of her nose to her jaw where the tear drops drip, drip, drip onto the floor; and her eyes look tired and dull, the surrounding skin red and puffy. She sniffles and turns away, shoving her feet into boots and grabbing her keys.
Snow coats the streets outside and as Alex walks she sees Christmas trees speckling windows and hears the distant sound of singing. She has never been religious, but Christmas was always special in her family, when it was the four of them together. Even when Jerimiah died and it was just three of them they celebrated love and family together. It was one of Kara's favorite Earth traditions. But now they're down to two Danvers and Alex is tired of surviving, tired of being alone. Her boots sludge holes in the wet snow, leaving a trail behind her as she enters the concrete parking garage and abandons Christmas lights and Hanukkah menorahs and families gathered in living rooms.
Her fingers are numb as she opens the door to her car and struggles to start the engine, fumbling with the keys until it finally buzzes with life. She navigates out of the garage and down snowy streets through teary vision and pain in her chest. It's a little after two in the morning when she pulls into the cemetery, gravel crunching and trees rustling. Supergirl is 'buried' under her own monument in the middle of National City, but only a small group of people know that Kara Danvers truly rests in a small cemetery on the outskirts of the city, with lots of trees and hills and flowers.
Alex lets her legs carry her down the winding path toward Kara's gravestone and it's nearly a half mile later that she moves off the trail and drags herself through browning, frosty grass until she's kneeling in front of a slab of marble with her sister's name carved into it.
Once Alex is there, with rain soaking her sweater and heart thundering in her chest, she's not sure what to do. Usually when she visits Kara's grave, Alex talks to her, but today the words are stuck in her throat and she's just tired and miserable and she wants her sister more than anything; so Alex sits there, twisting dead grass around her fingers and letting tears fall until she thinks there aren't anymore.
"I miss you," she whispers and shifts her eyes up to the misty combination of snow and rain sparkling beneath a streetlight. She swears she can hear the wind carrying her name. "…and I love you, and I still think about you every day," Alex finishes. "Mom is good, everyone's good. They're sad but they're surviving."
She can't bring herself to say more, with syllables stuck on her tongue and a lump in her throat. She sits in silence until she becomes aware of the dew seeping through the fleece of her pajama pants, where the fabric spills from her boots. If she was soaked before, she's drenched now and she has work tomorrow and she doesn't want to leave but she has to and it's getting so painful to be so close to Kara, to be drowned with memories of baking and camping and laughing over inside jokes at two in the morning on school nights when they were both delusion and giddy and made light by each other's company.
Alex rises and suddenly she can't get away fast enough, she doesn't stop moving until she's in her car with the heat turned all the way up and fogging the windows as she lets her head fall into her hands and the warmth of new tears juxtaposes the chill of her skin.
Kara. Kara. Kara.
The name rolls in her head like the tide. She's about to pull away when something makes her stop—a light, emerging from the distance, near Kara's grave. It's gold and blinding, growing and growing until there's a sharp boom and it shrinks back into itself, a shadow of a person is left in its wake.
Alex throws open the door to the car, sprints through the darkness until the figure is just mere feet away and it's Kara. Holy shit, it's Kara. Alex feels her breath catch in her throat. This cannot be real, but oh God, she hopes with all her heart that it's real. There's wood strewn across the grass and there's smoke where the light used to be and—it's Kara, it's really Kara, with messy blonde hair and blue eyes bright and cheeks all flush and pink and so alive.
Alex can't move, stands frozen and shaking in the rain that begins to pour down and thunder from the sky. Kara, however, rushes forward, brings Alex into her arms and holds her close. At her sister's touch, something cracks, simultaneously breaking and waking the brunette. "Holy shit," she mutters.
Kara laughs softly, through the tears that pool in both their eyes. "Yeah, holy shit," she agrees.
Alex doesn't want this feeling to end, she might be losing her mind, she might be hallucinating but it doesn't even matter because this is the first time she's felt whole in months.
Alex's lips produce sound before she can think. "Kara," the name falls from her mouth, slicing through the early morning air.
"Yeah," Kara nods encouragingly, blonde waves bouncing, lips smiling. "Yeah, it's me. I can prove it, too. Let me think of something… okay, when I was in eighth grade you let me drive your car in the empty parking lot of a soccer field and I totally would have crashed if I didn't use my super speed to slam on the breaks before we hit that pole. Do you remember? And I wasn't supposed to tell Jerimiah or Eliza, but I panicked and told them an hour later."
Alex nodded and closed her eyes again, pulling Kara back against her and squeezing tightly, pressing her face into Kara's shoulder. "Oh my god, it's you." The agent tries to breathe deeply as she quivers with sobs and shock.
"Is this real?" she murmurs, still holding tight to Kara, afraid that the blonde might vanish. "How do I know this is real?"
"Alex," Kara says and pulls back so she can look her sister in the eyes. "This is real. I'm real. There was a myth around Krypton I didn't know it was true until now. When we thought I died and I'd been buried, my body went into stasis, since then my powers manifested while I was underground, absorbing energy from the roots of plants until my powers returned and my body was healed, then shocked out of the stasis. That's where all the lights came from, and now… I'm here."
"Oh my god, Kara," Alex sputters again and tugs her sister into another hug. "I don't ever want you to leave again. I missed you so much, I missed you so much I couldn't even breathe."
Kara gently squeezes Alex back, runs her fingers through dark brown hair. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Alex."
The agent shakes her head against Kara's shoulder. "No apologies… not your fault. I just—I thought you were gone and Earth sucks without you," she laughs through slowing tears. "I mean it really, really sucks. Everything was absolutely horrible."
Kara just keeps holding on, clinging to the sound of her sister's heartbeat. "It's okay. I'm here now. Right by your side."
"I love you," Alex mutters, leaning back so she can take Kara's face between her hands, feel salty tears drip across her fingers.
"I love you, too," Kara says and smiles. Oh how Alex has missed that smile, and her sister's voice and her laugh and the words that are always right and the hugs that are perfectly timed. Suddenly Kara's expression shifts, brows furrowing in concern. "Rao, Alex, you're shaking and you're freezing cold, how long have you been out here? What were you even doing out here at this time? We gotta get out of here and get you somewhere warm."
It's then that Alex becomes aware of the violent shivers racking her body, the bluish tint beneath her fingernails and the cold that gnaws at her bones.
"Oh Rao, and you're soaked—I mean absolutely drenched, Alex. What were you thinking? You're not dressed for this kind of weather." Kara says, glancing at her sister and noting the pajamas and thin sweater, feeling a lump form in her throat when she realizes it's hers and that Alex had worn it to feel close.
"I don't know," Alex says and there are still slow tears streaming down her cheeks, she's smiling and crying and she feels both intoxicated and sharp at the same time. "I just missed you… I have seat warmers in my car?"
"Rao, you haven't changed at all."
Alex grins even though she can't help but see herself over the past few months, sobbing under sheets, disintegrating into tears at mere suggestions the way she never had before. She sees herself going days without truly sleeping, barely eating, not really sure if she wanted to live anymore and she knows that she did change, because everything changed when Kara died.
Kara tucks a wet strand of hair behind her sister's ear and catches the sadness in her features. "I love you and I'm so happy to see you, but I do not want you to freeze to death so let's get moving. We're talking once you're warmed up."
"Okay," Alex relents and she drops her hand from Kara's shoulders and curls their fingers together. She doesn't want to be separated, doesn't want there to be any chance that Kara somehow slips away. The warmth of the blonde's skin radiates over Alex as her palm trembles and she gives a squeeze to her sister's hand.
Kara returns the gesture. "Wanna fly?"
"Sure you still got it?"
"Always," Kara returns with a cheeky grin and there's so much other weight hanging off her words. "Come on, sis, let's go."
The blonde wraps her arms around Alex and bounces off the ground, soaring low through the misty rain. The wind is even colder, chilling Alex to her core until her shaking increases and she quivers against Kara, forceful shudders that rotate her shoulders and make her teeth chatter. "I can't believe this is happening," she whispers, her words consumed by storm as a laugh of disbelief and shock works its way through her lungs.
They reach the vehicle and Kara doesn't let go of Alex until she opens the door and places her sister in the passenger seat. "I'll drive when we're ready, you focus on warming up."
Alex nods in response because there's not much else she can do until the seat warmers are on and the heat is turned all the way up, permeating through the car. Kara digs through the trunk, finds an extra pair of clothes and uses her super speed to change Alex out of her saturated pajamas and into the running clothes and tosses a blanket her way.
"Thanks," Alex says as her shaking begins to slow. She's still for a moment before she launches herself out of her seat and pulls Kara into another hug, shoulders heaving and new tears spilling.
"Oh, hey, hey," Kara says softly, adjusting herself so she can get a better grip on her sister. "It's okay."
"You were g-gone for so long. Y-you were dead, I watched you die and we—we buried you. I didn't e-ever think I was going to get any of this again."
"I know, I know," Kara whispers, rubs her hand up and down Alex's back and through her hair. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Lex."
"I didn't think I could—could even feel like this again."
"Feel like what?"
"Happy," Alex sobs.
"Oh, Alex…" Kara holds her, rocks them slightly as a soft whimper escapes Alex's lips. "Sorry," she mutters through hitching breath.
"No, no, Alex, it's okay. You're okay."
Alex nods and sniffles, wipes away her tears. "I missed your hugs so much." She laughs softly and it tugs a smile across Kara's concerned features. "You always give the best hugs."
"I love you," Kara says and leans back, looking Alex in the eyes.
"I love you, too," Alex replies and while she slides back against her seat she keeps her hand wrapped around Kara's. "Your apartment is still intact… perfectly intact because I couldn't bring myself to sell it. Also, I think I may have had a moment with Cat Grant a few days after you died."
They talk and laugh and cry until the sun begins peeking through the trees and scattering its rays across the ground.
"What do we do now?" Alex says some hours later when they're snuggled up on her couch under Kara's favorite blanket, blue with polka dots.
Kara shrugs and adjusts the glasses she had happily reclaimed. "I think it's time I let the world back in…. We should probably call Eliza and J'onn."
Alex nods. "Good idea…. And Cat… and Lucy… and James… and Winn."
"Can we start with Eliza? So it's just the three of us again, before everything changes."
"Okay," Alex agrees, pulling out her phone. "Welcome back, Kara Zor-El Danvers," she says with a smile like sunshine, and she can't help but think that she is so, so lucky and so, so happy to have her sister back home.