Happy Friday! I might go ahead and post through the weekend. Hope you all stay safe out there! Thanks for reading =)

Chapter Four

Merle and Shane made it back by lunchtime. That was about the same time the rain rolled in and Russel called it a day. Merle approached him as he was gathering up their stuff and shoving it into the back of the truck.

"Hey, little brother," Merle greeted him as he approached the truck.

Daryl looked up, a frown sliding into place as he watched his brother. Merle was looking at him all fucked up and he looked like he was going to puke. "Why the fuck you look like you're bout to puke?"

Merle studied him for a long time and Daryl could have sworn that he saw him wince slightly. "I'm alright. I'm good. Long trip."

Daryl snorted and pulled the door to the truck open just as the rain started falling in big fat drops. Merle slid into the passenger seat. "Trip wasn't that damn long," he muttered, feeling Merle's eyes on him. "Quit that shit, Merle. Why the hell you starin' at me like that?"

Merle shook his head and then his eyes went to the windshield as Daryl backed out. "You feel like drinkin'?" Merle asked suddenly. "I feel like fuckin' drinkin'."

Daryl chewed nervously at his thumb nail, his eyes shifting from the road to his brother. Merle was visibly sweating and even out of the peripheral of his vision Daryl could see that his hands were shaking. "You're fuckin' high!" He barked, causing Merle to jump.

Merle looked over sharply. "I ain't touched a drug in more than six goddamn months. What are you talkin' about?"

Daryl shook his head in disgust. "You're a real peace of shit, you know that? I can tell cause you're over there sweatin' bullets and your hands are shakin'. Goddamn it, Merle. You fuckin' swore that last time was it. You bout fuckin' died. I can't stand you most of the time but you're the only damn kin I got."

Merle seemed to grow even more pale and he ran a hand over his short cropped hair. "It ain't goddamn drugs, alright. I gotta lot on my mind is all."

Daryl snorted. "Yeah right."

"I mean it, damn it. I found out some news today is all. Some news about... about a buddy of mine. Now I'm worried about him."

Daryl laughed but it was bitter. "Now I know you're full of shit. You ain't got any buddies and if you did you sure as shit wouldn't be this bad off with worry over them."

"It's the truth. Actually, wouldn't mind your advice on the subject."

Daryl pulled into a Burger King and instead of going through the drive through he parked. This was serious. His brother didn't give a damn about anybody but himself so to see him this tore up over something was unsettling. Merle glanced at him, shook his head slightly and then faced the windshield once more. "What the fuck is goin' on?" Daryl asked, his gut telling him to hear his brother out.

Merle seemed to mull over his next words for a long time. "Well, the thing is, I got this friend. You don't know him. Name's Fred and he lives back in Atlanta..." He paused.

"Well, is that it?" Daryl asked sarcastically.

Merle grimaced. "Don't be a smart ass. Anyway, some shit happened a while back ago. He was... he was with this woman, you know. He was all fucked up in the head over her but I knew that this woman wasn't any good for him."

"Shit Merle," Daryl muttered, shaking his head, fighting back memories that he didn't want to think about right now. "Can't you ever just leave anything be?"

"Shut the fuck up. Anyway, so I stick my nose in his business and he ended up not bein' with this woman anymore. Never heard from her again cause she moved off somewheres, you know. Shit like that happens."

Daryl felt his face fall and he turned his head sharply away before Merle could see the pain there. "Yeah. Shit happens, Merle," he said quietly.

"Well, turns out, she might not have been as bad for him as I thought. I seen her today while I was in Atlanta and she had a couple of kids. Well, the bigger kid, I could just tell by lookin' at him, was my old buddy's. But he don't know she ever had a kid by him."

Daryl looked back at Merle, surprised that Merle looked so concerned over the whole thing. He didn't want to make it worse but he couldn't help but shake his head. "Jesus, Merle. How the hell could you do that to somebody you called a friend?" He asked. Jesus, he couldn't imagine how he would feel knowing he had a kid out there somewhere. Maybe he lost Carol but he hadn't lost his own flesh and blood when Merle had forced him back to Georgia.

Merle winced. "It ain't like I knew anything about it."

"It wasn't none of your damn business, though." He shook his head. "Why can't you stay out of people's business?"

A muscle in Merle's jaw started ticking and he finally looked back at him, meeting Daryl's eyes. "If it was you, you think you'd be able to forgive a man for somethin' like that?"

Daryl took in a deep breath and then breathed it out slowly. Merle was actually trying to have a serious conversation with him so he needed to think about his answer and give it to him straight. "I don't know." And that was the most honest answer he could give. "You're my brother, but goddamn man... if you caused me to lose a kid... can a man come back from that? And I'm your fuckin' brother, man. You're friend, the poor bastard, he's gonna be fucked up over somethin' like that."

Merle swiped his hand over his face. "Back when you was gone with that girl of yours, you was careful, right? You didn't go and get your little girlfriend-"

Daryl shook his head, his face flaming. "No."

"How do you know?" He asked, looking straight ahead again. "Did you keep it wrapped up tight?"

Daryl shrugged. Was he really going to have a talk about his sex life with... Merle? "She was on the pill."

Merle scowled. "You stupid ass! The pill ain't one hundred percent and for the love of Christ, ain't you learned anything from me? You coulda caught the goddamn clap!"

"Jesus, she was a virgin! And we ain't talkin' about this shit anymore. Worry about your fuckin' friend, Merle. What I did while I was gone and who I did it with ain't a goddamn bit of your business."

They ate their burgers in silence after they got home. Daryl was on his last fry when Merle glanced at him suddenly, his eyes imploring.

"Can I ask you somethin'?"

Daryl frowned. Why in the hell was he so hell bent on talking about shit today? "Sure," he muttered.

"You ever done porn?"

Daryl blinked stupidly, sure that he had heard his brother wrong. "What?"

"Porn. Have you ever fucked on camera?"

Daryl felt his face grow so hot that the tips of his ears felt like they were on fire. His mind was assaulted with images that he desperately tried to push back. He stood up, snatching the empty bag off the table and glared. "What the hell kinda question is that? Do I look like a porn star to you? Jesus, this is why me and you can't sit down and talk. There's somethin' wrong with your head." He stormed out of the room and shoved the bag into the trash can before he stormed off to his bedroom. He felt Merle's eyes on him but he ignored him.

As soon as his bedroom door was locked his eyes strayed to the top drawer of his night stand. He never opened it. He hadn't opened it in years, actually. But now he was worried that Merle had gone snooping through his stuff and found those pictures. He sat down on the edge of the bed and opened the drawer enough so his hand could fit inside. They were stuffed in an envelope and pushed back to the the very back. He felt around and found it in the same spot he had put it years ago. He froze for a few long seconds, swallowing hard. He wanted to look. He hadn't in so long because he thought it would have dulled the ache, maybe he would forget details. Thought maybe he could train his mind to forget her so he could finally escape that fucking crushing despair. But it hadn't worked. He was still just as messed up as he had ever been and he worried about himself. Worried because he knew that it wasn't fucking normal. A month. She had been a part of his life for just a month. But losing her had been like losing himself and it shouldn't have been like that.

He slid the envelope closer, telling himself that he shouldn't but not listening. He focused to the silence and the throb of his own heart as he studied the first photo, his eyes drinking in her features for a long time before he shoved them back in and slammed the drawer closed. He swiped a hand over his face. He shouldn't have done that. He fucking knew he shouldn't have done that. But in a way, it was worth the pain.

~H~

Carol and Avery took two glasses and a bottle of ridiculously expensive wine out to the front porch. Avery had bought it over in France. Carol didn't care for wine much. She secretly enjoyed a shot or two of bourbon every now and then but she just didn't really have a taste for the finer things.

They sat down at the small table, scooting their chairs in closer and listened to the sounds of the night around them. A small citronella candle burned on the table, keeping the worst of the bugs at bay. Carol spent many nights out here alone with her thoughts. It was a good place to remember things, even very painful things. The sky wasn't as vast here as it was out in Arizona, but the stars were still bright regardless. Now the stars were hidden away by thick clouds and rain pelted loudly on the tin roof.

"The beasts seem to like it here well enough," Avery said, unusually quiet.

Carol smiled. "I think it was hard on them for the first week because it's very different. We lived in the suburbs in the desert. I imagine to them, this is like a jungle. Everything is so green and it's rained three times in three weeks. They aren't used to it." Carol took a tentative sip of the wine, made sure Avery wasn't looking and then grimaced.

"If I ask you something will you refrain from groaning about it?" Avery asked after a long silence.

Carol closed her eyes for a few long moments, drained her glass of wine and then nodded as she poured another. "I'll do my best."

"What will it do to you if Daryl has his own family? I need to know what to prepare for. This detective is the best and I know we'll find him soon."

She drained that glass too and poured a third while she contemplated Avery's questions. "It would hurt. But that's life, isn't it? Just an accumulation of tragedies strung together, with an occasional bout of humor and rightness thrown in just to keep you on your toes? Don't worry about me. I'm prepared for the worst. My life has taught me to be."

"You've accomplished everything that you set out to accomplish and more. You're successful. You're wealthy. Not as wealthy as me but that's to be expected. You've made a name for yourself just like you dreamed of doing."

She smiled bitterly. It was true. She had accomplished more than she ever thought she could. "I would trade it all to have those years back. Every goddamn dollar. Every published photograph. Every big shot I ever shook hands with. Every magazine spread. I'd give it all back if he could have been there to see his kids come into the world. Their first steps and their first words. Between the two of us, we could have made it somehow." She was halfway finished with her fourth glass of wine and could tell. She ran a hand through her hair and stared off into the dark yard. "I know that you've tried to understand but I can't explain it. How can I make you understand something that I don't understand myself? And I know that it's been a long time but some days don't feel that way. Some days feel like no time has passed at all, like it's the same day he walked away. Every day it just starts all over. Like groundhog day for the grieving process. I've prepared myself as much as I can for the blow, if he has someone else, if he has children. But I'm starting to think if I don't get some sort of closure, I'm gonna go insane."

"And if he doesn't want them? If he's changed over the years? What then?"

Carol sat her glass down and pulled her legs up on the chair so she could wrap her arms around them. Biting her lip she tried to imagine him turning his own children away. She tried to imagine him telling her that he didn't want her and he didn't want them. She couldn't do it. "Even if he doesn't want me, which is a huge possibility considering he disappeared after getting on a plane, he'd never turn them away. Not in a million years."

"Are you sure of that?"

Carol nodded. "I'm positive."