I am so sorry that this is so late! I've had a really hectic few days, dealing with real life stuff and then last night the damn site wouldn't load! Anyway, I know you're getting really impatient and I don't blame you at all but we're getting closer! lol That's about all I can say. I'm gonna try to update again tonight, just because I totally flaked on all of you for the last 3 days. Thanks for reading!

Chapter Five

Merle wanted to get high. He hadn't felt that way in a long time but he did now. Things were too fucking heavy for him right now. He thought about keeping this discovery to himself. He thought about it all damn night until he had finally fallen into a fitful sleep.

Then he dreamed of that boy. The kid didn't say a word, much like he had when Merle had met him, but the look on his face was as accusing as the look he would catch Daryl giving him sometimes when he didn't know Merle was paying attention.

When he woke up he knew what he had to do. And he knew what was going to happen once he did it. He was going to lose his brother.

Tearing the boy away from his girl was one thing. Merle had done it gladly and even though guilt eventually set in when he realized how badly he had hurt his brother, he was still glad that he had done it. Daryl had needed to be with family and Merle was his goddamn family. He had been a fucking kid! But now he was going to learn that he'd knocked up that girl and he had missed out on being with his very own son. Merle had ripped him away from his own flesh and blood and that wasn't something he would ever get forgiveness for.

So now he wanted to get high. And he would too. As soon as Daryl realized what Merle's actions had cost him, he would tell him to get the hell out of his life and then Merle would do just that. He was going to go to his old buddy's house and he was going to get smashed and he was going to forget about all the fucking heartache he had caused. And all the fucking heartache he would feel. Because it was going to hurt. Daryl had something else out there, and he had for a long time, but the only thing Merle had ever had was his brother. He didn't want to let him go. He didn't want to give the girl and that kid to him, because it would cost Merle everything he cared about. But keeping him away from them, that just wasn't an option. God, he wished like hell that it was.

"What the hell you doin' up, Merle?" Daryl asked as he padded into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes with his hair sticking up at odd ends, looking very much like a twelve year old kid. It wasn't even daylight yet.

Merle looked away, into his cup. "We ain't goin' to work today, little brother."

Daryl stopped rubbing his eyes and peered at him from under a fringe of hair. "I ain't missed a goddamn day in five years. I ain't startin' now."

Merle sighed. He had expected this to happen so he was prepared for it. "I lied to you yesterday."

Daryl's eyes narrowed and he turned his back as he fixed himself a cup of coffee. His body was tense now, like he was waiting for a blow. "So all that shit you were talkin' about, bein' tore up about what you did to your friend, you made that up?"

"No," Merle shook his head, "I didn't make it up but you and me both know how I handle shit. Had Walsh stop at one of my old suppliers house before comin' back and I got myself a little taste."

Daryl nearly broke the mug as he slammed it down on the table, causing coffee to slosh over the rim. "You ain't never gonna change, are you?" He asked bitterly. "You don't even understand what I gave up to come back here, Merle. Why the fuck can't you at least try to sacrifice a little bit yourself? Why the fuck do you have to be so goddamn selfish?"

Merle shrugged. "Thing is, I want more."

Daryl looked disgusted. "That's how it goes."

"There's a place in Atlanta that I need you to take me to today. Got myself a sponsor and everything. I just need you to take me down there. I called Russel and told him that I needed some time, explained everything to him. He appreciated me giving it to him straight so he gave you a little time off and he cleared you for a few days too."

"Rehab?" Daryl asked, the disbelief clear in his voice.

Merle nodded. "I fell off the wagon but I can get back on it with some help." Goddamn he almost couldn't say that with a straight face. And he could have just told Daryl everything now. He could have, but he wouldn't. He knew that time was running out for him and he wanted to try to drain every minute out of it. Even if the ride was going to be a tense one, he wanted it.

"When do we gotta go?" Daryl asked, unable to hide the suspicion in his voice.

"Soon as you get ready," he said, meeting his eyes and holding them.

Daryl stood up then, breaking the stare. "You ain't fuckin' around? You're gonna finally get help?"

Merle nodded and for once, he really didn't feel very bad about the lie.

~H~

Carol woke up earlier than usual, feeling sick to her stomach. She had a slight headache and her muscles ached. That was the last time she was ever going to drink that much wine. A hot shower had her feeling a little better and a few Tylenol finished the job. She didn't bother getting dressed for the day, opting for a pair of comfortable pajamas. No one would be out here to visit and she wasn't going anywhere. She was giving herself the day off. She went to the kids rooms and peaked in but they were both still sleeping soundly.

She went to the breakfast nook and sat down at the table, trading her normal coffee for some peppermint tea to sooth what was left of her sour stomach. Avery would sleep until noon. That was what Avery did when she stayed here. Carol had tried to talk her into staying in the guest bedroom but Avery insisted on dashing through the back yard, through the rain, to get to the small guest house on the other side of the pool.

Her eyes went to the glass wall but only darkness pressed against it.

She had lied to Avery, probably for the first time in her life. Avery had asked her how she would be if she discovered Daryl had someone else, possibly another family, and she had said that she would be okay. But she wouldn't be okay at all. Maybe she had been naive to stay faithful to a man that seemed more like a phantom than a man now, but she had. She had held on to his memory for so long that it was almost like a physical thing. He was with her all the time. She was a woman very haunted by a ghost, by memories of their time together. She had changed so much out there, had learned a lot about herself and her capacity to feel love. What they had shared went beyond her own basic understanding and she couldn't let it go. She wanted to. She wanted to meet a nice guy and have fun with him and maybe even love him, because it would have stopped the hurt. The constant hurt. But she couldn't do it. Couldn't let go of what she had felt out there with Daryl. What she still felt.

Maybe things would be different if she didn't have the kids. Maybe she could have let go. But she did have the kids and they were a constant reminder of the boy that had left her. But that wasn't exactly true either. Even without them she was sure that she would never forget him or what they had felt for one another. She would never be able to move on. Not from what they had shared.

But she wouldn't tell Avery that. Her feelings for him were just as strong now as they had been the day they had parted ways and it didn't make any sense. But it didn't have too. It was just how things were.

~H~

Daryl didn't feel bad for not trusting his brother. The asshole had relapsed over and over ever since he left the military. He would do okay for a few months and at the drop of a hat he would turn right back to that old vice.

This was the first time he'd ever asked Daryl for any kind of help, though. He wouldn't tell Merle no. He would help him any way he could, even though he knew that it wasn't going to work. Merle wasn't ever going to kick the drugs for good because he didn't want to. A man had to want to get better before he could. Merle didn't want it.

"Tell me again why the fuck we're out here in the sticks? I know there ain't no rehab place out here. I used to hunt these woods back before we moved."

Merle grunted. "I have to check in with my sponsor first. They want to meet you."

Daryl scowled. "What? What the fuck they wanna meet me for? I ain't the goddamn drug addict!"

Merle shrugged. "You're suppose to be my support system. I guess they wanna tell you all about how you're suppose to handle me with fluffy kid gloves instead of bein' a judgmental dick all the time."

He couldn't help it. He laughed. "This is comin' from the same son of a bitch that tells people his kid brother is gay just cause I ain't like you, out shakin' my dick at every piece of ass that happens to look half interested. You gotta lot of nerve, Merle."

Merle grinned but it didn't last very long. The smile faded and that look came over him again. The one that Daryl had caught in his eyes since yesterday. "Yeah, well, maybe you didn't have to shake it at every piece, but you coulda shook it at a few anyway. God knows the girls fall all over that shy awkward bullshit you got goin'."

Daryl knew he was kidding but it didn't sound like it. If he didn't know any better he'd swear that Merle sounded... sad. He'd never heard that tone and he hoped that after this, he never had to hear it again. It made him uneasy. Merle didn't get sad. Merle got raging fucking pissed off. That was just how he was. But this wasn't anger. "You sure you wanna do this? You look like somebody ran over your kitten or somethin'."

Merle didn't say anything for a long time and when he did speak it wasn't to answer the question. "Before you meet these people today I gotta tell you somethin', alright?"

Daryl felt himself tense at the tone. He nodded, knowing that this was serious and he needed to keep his mouth shut and listen.

"I'm sorry, alright? I'm sorry I guilted your ass into comin' back to Georgia. I shouldn't have done it. You was alright out there and I was just pissed off that you wasn't with me and that shit wasn't right. You ain't been okay since you got off that plane and that shit is my fault."

Daryl's jaw clenched hard enough to hurt and he kept his eyes on the road. What was he suppose to say? Was he suppose to say that it was okay? Was he suppose to tell him that he was fine with how things turned out? He woke up every fucking day wondering where she was. Wondering if she was okay. Hoping to God she was happy. And knowing, knowing he would never know because Merle made bad calls and insured that he'd never see her again. Did he lie?

He was glad that Merle finally apologized, five years later. He appreciated the sentiment and all but all he could think was, what goddamn good was a sorry when his whole future was a fucking joyless, monotonous fucking abyss? Finally he shrugged, knowing how hard it had been for Merle to admit he had been wrong. "It is what it is, Merle. Ain't no turning back the clock."

Merle swiped his hand over his face and shook his head. "Nah. No turnin' back the clock. It's this driveway here on the left."

Daryl pulled down a blacktopped drive, trees stretching out on either side of the winding lane. He had the strangest feeling in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't explain it because he had never felt it before. He did his best to ignore it but the further he drove, the more intense it got.

Something was about to happen. Something big. He could feel it.