Chapter Eighteen

Daryl stared down at the note in his hands, his heart sinking to his feet. Merle had done it. He'd finally managed to put himself in the fucking hospital with his stupid decisions. He wanted to be pissed off but it wasn't easy because he was suddenly terrified. Carol hadn't known details. What if he...

He shook his head and then looked down at Jake and Lily, who seemed to have sensed his distress and were waiting for him to say something. They were filthy, covered in mud and dirt and grass stains. He needed to go but he had to take them with him and he couldn't take them looking like two orphaned pups. He had no idea how to go about getting two kids ready to leave the house.

"You two know how to get yourselves dressed? He asked, hoping to God they did.

They shared a look and then nodded.

He turned Lily around and started picking leaves out of her curls. "Okay, we gotta go somewhere and I need you two to get your asses changed, okay?"

"Did somethin' bad happen?" Jake asked.

Daryl met the boys eyes. "I ain't sure yet. You're mom's okay though. Don't worry about that."

They hurried off to their rooms and he was stripping off his dirty shirt before he even made it to his. He changed quickly, shoving his feet into the new boots because his old ones were soaked. They'd discovered a wide shallow creek on the property and he hadn't been able to resist wading through it, which meant the kids had followed suit. They'd spent the better part of the afternoon hunting crawdads.

He stepped out into the hall and then stopped when he saw them. They were still dirty but they were changed. Jake looked normal for the most part but Lily looked like she was about to head out to a Halloween party. She was wearing a pair of jeans that looked okay but she had paired it with a bright yellow dress that feel to her knees and a purple vest with fringes and beads hanging from it. Her shoes were neon green and there was a black fedora plopped on her head.

"Mama picks out her clothes," Jake said suddenly. "Now I know why."

Lily scowled, her nose wrinkling up. "Well, I like it. I don't know why I have to wear boring things when I have better things."

"Fuck it, you look great," Daryl said as he ushered them into the bathroom so he could wipe off their faces and make them wash their hands. He picked them both up, sitting them down on the long counter and grabbed a wash cloth.

"See, daddy thinks I look great," Lily grumbled as he wiped the dirt away.

Jake just shook his head and cleaned himself up without another word. Daryl examined their faces and decided they would pass as clean for now. He sat them back down and led them out to the garage. When he opened the door to the SUV he started to usher them in and then stopped.

"What the hell's this?" He asked, looking at what looked like two car seats.

"We gotta sit in these things till we're bigger," Jake explained.

Daryl ran a hand through his hair. He didn't know how these goddamn things worked.

"Here," Lily said, climbing up and sitting in the seat closest to the door. "You do it like this." She grabbed the seat belt and pulled it down, checking to make sure it was slid through the notch. Daryl was so damn thankful that these kids knew what they were doing when he sure as hell didn't. He kissed her cheek quickly and was rewarded with a beaming smile.

"Thank fuck you two are smarter than me," he muttered, fastening the belt.

"Thank fuck is right. Maybe we got it from mama," Lily said, her eyes wide and serious.

He couldn't help but laugh and then lifted Jake up, going around so he could make sure he was strapped in. He wondered how the hell Carol managed this back in the beginning. Now they were old enough to at least help him out a little. She'd been stuck alone with two babies. Jesus Christ, that must have been hard.

"I'm hungry," Lily chirped from the back seat.

He glanced up in the rear view mirror. He forgot to feed them. Goddamn, he was bad at this. "You wanna happy meal or somethin'? Do you all eat those?"

"Mama says they're bad for us," Jake said sadly.

Daryl snorted. "Well, your mama ain't here and you're hungry and I can't very well stop on the side of the road and whip you up a home cooked meal so you two are gonna eat some burgers."

He glanced in the mirror again and saw them share a grin. He really wanted to hurry but he had to feed them something. Carol would forgive one damn happy meal. Maybe she'd freak about the ice cream in bed but she couldn't fault him today for being in a hurry. He had been hungry himself but his appetite was gone so he ordered them their food. He was about to hand it to them and then pulled the boxes back and sat them on the passenger seat. If one of them got choked or something while he was driving he'd a have a goddamn heart attack.

~H~

Carol wanted to leave. He had told her to leave several times but she had a feeling that if she didn't stand her ground with him now, that's how things would be with him for the rest of her life. And regardless of what he said, she didn't want him to be alone. When he had driven away he had obviously been distraught enough to go drown himself in drugs. This ended today. Daryl had to let this go.

"I've told you a hundred goddamn times that I don't want him here," Merle muttered, his eyes not leaving the TV.

She shrugged. "And I told you a hundred times that I don't care what you want. He's your brother and he needs to talk to you."

"How the hell does he put up with your shit? Are you always like this?"

Carol shrugged. "He doesn't act like a bastard so I don't have to give him any shit."

He finally pulled his gaze away from the screen and met her eyes. "Look, he's got his fuckin' family now, alright? I should sue this goddamn hospital for contacting you in the first damn place. You ain't any kind of family to me."

She sighed and shook her head, glancing up at the clock. "I need a drink. You want something from the vending machines?"

He leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. "Get me a coke if you're insistin' on payin'."

She nodded and walked out into the hall, feeling tired already. He was so bitter and he obviously hated her and she wished he didn't. The sound of footsteps approaching had her looking up and she felt her eyes widen at the panic in Daryl's eyes. He ushered the kids towards her. She finally took in Lily's appearance and her brows shot up. He had to have let her pick out her own clothes once they had gotten back.

"Is he..." Daryl's voice hung there because he was unable to even ask.

She offered him a reassuring smile. "He's the rudest, grouchiest, meanest man I have ever had the displeasure of being around, but he's alive."

He glanced at the door and then back to her. "You been in there this whole time?"

She nodded and watched some of the tension leave him. "It hasn't exactly been easy but I didn't want him to be alone, even though he told me he'd rather be alone then have to look at my uppity ass all afternoon."

He shook his head. "I don't want them in there. He's liable to say anything and I'd hate to punch him in the face since I'm so damn glad he's alive."

She nodded, hoping he'd say that. "I'll take them to the lounge." She paused in front of him, her hand on his shoulder. "He's really hurting, Daryl. Don't forget that, okay?"

He nodded before kissing her quickly. "Thanks for comin'. You didn't have to do that."

She stepped away and grabbed the kids by the hand. They were both clinging to a cardboard happy meal box and watching her like they were sure that she was going to take them away. "You two need to sit down and eat your first garbage meal. Enjoy it too because it might possibly be your last."

He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. She didn't envy him. Maybe Merle would go easier on him since he was his brother but she doubted it. There was a lot of bitterness in that man. She had to constantly remind herself that it was pain causing him to lash out.

~H~

When he stepped into the room he came up short, his chest growing tight with worry. Merle looked bad. Then again, the doctor told him that he had died twice so he very well should have looked bad. He was pale and his eyes seemed sunken in. He didn't look like a man in his thirties. He looked old, frail. He didn't look like his brother at all.

Merle finally looked over, blinked in surprise and then scowled, turning his head back towards the TV. "I ain't in the mood for none of your bullshit. You can take that self righteous girl of yours and go the fuck back to your big nice house. I ain't got no brother, remember?"

Daryl took a deep breath and tried to bite back the anger. "That your excuse? You got your feelin's hurt so you take off and damn near kill yourself?"

Merle glared at the TV. "Why the fuck did you come here?"

Daryl ran a hand over his face. Merle was the most frustrating person he'd ever had to deal with in his life. Hell, his kids were four years old and acted more grown up than Merle did. "I came cause I'm the only goddamn family you got. I came cause I didn't know what the hell was wrong!"

"Like I said, I ain't got a brother, so turn your ass around, take your goddamn family, and stay the fuck outta my hair. I don't need you here. I don't want you here."

Daryl couldn't hold back the anger anymore. "You ruined my goddamn life and now you're gonna lay there and try to make me feel guilty for the shit I said to you? Do you see how fucked up that is?"

Merle looked disgusted but he didn't say anything.

"Don't you wanna know them at all?" He asked, not understanding why the hell Merle had to be so goddamn cold right now. Carol had been right. Merle was his brother, no matter what he had done, and he was their uncle and they needed to know him.

Merle looked up at that and even though he tried to hide it under that mask of anger, Daryl could see a spark of hope there. "That woman of yours ain't gonna let them kids have a damn thing to do with me. They're your family, not mine."

"That woman is the one that told me to get the hell over it. She's the one that said they needed to know you. And she was right, but not like this, Merle. You usin' that shit around me is one thing but I ain't havin' that shit around them. I want you there, Carol wants you there, but not if you can't stop."

He looked down at the IV in his arm, staring at it for a long time before looking back up, meeting Daryl's eyes again. He took a deep steadying breath and then finally nodded. "Look at your ass. All paternal already."

Daryl rolled his eyes.

Merle cursed, shaking his head. "You know, I remember when I hit the ground, layin' out there on the sidewalk thinkin' that it was it. I knew I was dead. I'd fucked up one too many times and it was over. The last damn thing I remember thinkin' was how bad I had messed everything up for you. How bad I wrecked shit for you. Whether I ever come around you or your family or not, in case this is the last time we talk, you gotta know that if I had it to do over, I wouldn't have forced your hand like that. I wouldn't take that much away from you, not even on my worst days."

Daryl swallowed hard and nodded. "I know." He was surprised Merle had said anything at all, knew how much it had taken for him to say what he had said, just like the other day when he had apologized for forcing him to come home. "But this ain't gonna be the last time we talk, alright. I'm doin' okay so far but at the end of the day, I want my brother back."

Merle wasn't looking at him now but Daryl could see his resolve slipping.