Erin got up from the couch when she heard the knock on the door.

She opened the door already knowing that it was Jay. They have some kind of sign that they bought used to knock. They never talk about it or make an arrangement about it, they just happened to use the same knock and they both know when the other one is at the door. Erin smiled with the memory of his surprised expression when some weeks back she came to the living room before she yelled from her bathroom to the door "Jay I'm in the bathroom, please use your key".

"How did you know it was me." he asked her at the time.
"The same way that you know it's me when I knock on your door."
"But you have a characteristic knock."
"Yes very similar to your knock."

It's was a little thing, she knew that, but the little things always made her feel good about them being together.

She opened the door smiling, letting him in. "Why do you never use your key?"
"Because… well it is your home… I just use it if I need which is probably the same reason that you don't use your key at my apartment."
Erin shook her head in disagreement.
"I brought dinner," Jay said entering the kitchen. She tried to peak in the bag. "What did you bring?" she asked eager to know.
He pulled the bag away mocking her. "Don't be like that."
"It's Thai food isn't it?" She said grinning, trying to take the "take away" bag.
"Yes it is Thai. You are always craving Thai lately." He acknowledged.
"Give it to me," She demanded.
"You are addicted to food I swear," He laughed at her.

They sat and started eating between small talk.

She got up and took a beer from the fridge offering him one too and all of a sudden she said. "I think I can't be a mother Jay."

Jay was shocked with her words. "What? Why? … Why are you thinking about this?… Erin, are you?!" Jay looked at his hands with discomfort . "Are you? … I mean …. You said that you were on the birth control thing." His face was blush. Jay was not used to this kind of stuff and was a little shy about discussing birth control, tampons and all that girl stuff. He grew up without sisters or girl cousins so that kind of stuff was a little bit a mystery for him. Yes he had girlfriends before, but never got much in to that girl stuff business.

"Oh no! I'm not thinking about… I'm not even remotely… don't worry I'm on birth control, as you said." Erin gave a small smile to him. He clearly was uncomfortable with this subject but it was kind of cute that he blushed.
He grabbed her hand. "Sorry Erin, I'm not very comfortable with this subject. I mean … shit… " He was caught by surprise. "I don't really know much about that girl stuff, birth control and all… don't get me wrong. I want to have kids, really want but was not expecting this conversation… " He ran his thumb across his forehead right above his eyelash. He was really nervous, Erin could tell. "Sorry Erin I'm babbling."

Erin gave a big laugh. "Jay I'm not thinking about kids right now. Actually I was trying to tell you that I don't know if I want to be a mother." Her tone changed, she sounded sad now.
"Why? I mean you don't want be a mother now? I understand…"
"No I mean I think I don't want to be a mother period." She affirmed.

"Oh! Never? Why?" He picked her hand up again and ran his thumb across the top of her hand.
Her eyes welled up with tears. "And I know you want this very much Jay… so I don't know if we…"
"Shh it's ok Erin, why all this now?"
"Today that baby made me think about it and I don't think I could be a good mother." Her voice was hoarse, clearly she was controlling herself from crying. "I mean, those parents, they were good and normal parents and look what happened to that poor baby... I'm... I think it's better that I don't have kids at all. I don't want to put my kids through what I lived with my mother…" She couldn´t handle it and tears started to fall on her face.

"Erin come here," Jay asked sitting her on his lap. He placed a soft kiss on her lips and cleaned some of the tears gently with his hand. "You are wrong. You would be an excellent mother. You manage to get through to our victims, when they are kids, in a way that I never see anyone else do. And I know Bunny was not someone that you could rely on, and not a god example of motherhood, but from what you tell me you had an excellent role model in Camille… I believe that she showed you how things should be done in the matter of educating a child so I have no doubt about it, you would be an amazing mother."

"I'm not so sure about that, but thank you." She murmured.

He kissed her forehead and she went back to her seat. His hand picked up her hand again. "I am sure about it, I see you around kids, you're good, trust me."
She smiled and kept eating. He could see that she was not totally convinced but she was calmer and looked more relaxed.

Finishing her beer she asked Jay. "You want more?"
"No I'm ok!"

"So about tampons." She said giggling.

He looked shocked once more. "What?"

She laughed and noticed that he was starting to blush again. "You really need to be more relax about the lady subjects Jay. I mean, we live together," He raise his eyebrow to her. "Ok almost live together and you will bump with my tampons and birth control pills in the bathroom eventually and probably sometimes you will have to buy them for me. I don´t get it, you had girlfriends before..."

He cleared his throat before talking and smiled shyly. "Yes I had girlfriends before, but I don´t know, apparently that subject never really came up, and I usually use condoms until the girl tells me that's ok not to use and really don´t investigate the details of it... Look I grew up surround by boys, not girls so... but yes I promise I'll try to be more relax about it" He smiled at her with a grin. She loved that grin. "Although knowing myself it will be pretty awkward for me to look for tampons in the supermarket but I will be ok, don´t worry." He added not facing her.

She gave a big laugh and started to clean the table. She noticed his reaction when she talked about they living together. Yes they practically lived together, they spend almost all nights together and wake up together, but truth be told she gave him a drawer, nothing more, just a drawer and he usually went home to change and he always had a changing bag in his car.

Maybe they should think this living together situation…