"So, two meals in one week?" Erin teases him as they leave the little cafe to the car after their call.
"Well, I know that you like to eat" He stated smiling shyly.
"I don't want to live across the street from you Jay!"
"Yeah me neither!" Jay said not facing her and rubbing his hand on his leg. "Sorry! I just… I miss you!" He ends up spilling.
Regret was written all over his face when Erin deviate her eyes from the road and look at him. She almost let her guard down for a moment. But they were arriving at the location so she ends it the conversation by adding with a mix of anger and sadness that Jay just couldn't answer back. "Remember that was you the one who left." He felt all his body tensed with her statement, bread in and out the cold air of Chicago and enter the bank after her, cleaning his head and focusing on the job.

The case took over them. And that was what bothers Jay most of the time. They left a lot of conversations standing because they had to work and mostly because usually the cases they cot were always very demanding.

On his birthday Jay's head was only in one place. His partner. He knew she wasn't all right about that kid. He was sure she did what she had to do, but he knew she was being consumed by remorse because it was just a kid. And he was having a major inner fight about how to support her and help her get through this without mixing stuff up.
He went to meet the guys at Molly's with no expectation about her to come, so when he saw her approaching him and the gift she gave, he didn't know what to say. He was happy for sure, let's face it, he was thrilled. But he had a huge urge to hug her and make her feel better because it was all over her face how disturbed she was about the kid situation. Especially after the encounter with the kids' mother. Jay knew she needed him, now more than ever. His mind even fly back to the dark times when she ran from everybody and try to deal with this kind of stuff herself unsuccessfully, but he tried to put that memories behind him, because his Erin was not like that anymore, and although he had made exactly what she did back then now and was regretting about it every single day, now she was much more chatty about her problems and he knew she wanted to reach to him for this. So when she politely and gently refuse to toast with them and leave claiming she was tired he could not let her go.
When they hug he felt overwhelmed. God, he missed that hug, feeling her laying on him again, feeling her head on his shoulder like she always like to do was for sure a good feeling. And he knew he had to leave behind her because he was not letting her deal with this alone.
Jay got back to his friends to make the toast and minutes latter excuse himself and leave. Everyone nod, knowing exactly why and not judging. They knew Erin must be affected by what happened and they knew that Erin and Jay were not together anymore, but they also knew she needed him now and if was with one of them they will not blink on it, so without judgment, they said goodbye to the birthday boy.

Jay parked outside her apartment building noticing that the light on the house was on, which means she was already home, giving him a feeling of relieve because he was slightly afraid that she may not be home. He even smiled to himself, recognizing that she was really handling this the proper way and not running to some shady bar with her not so recommendable friends from her past.
He thought about ring the bell, he even left the car and all, but he stooped himself, thinking maybe that could be too much and decide to come back to the car and call her instead.
She took four rings to answer. And during that time Jay's heart was beating at light speed. "What if's" popping on his mind at high velocity. "What if she is not home after all?" "What if she is not answering because it's him?"
All this vanish when he finally heard her husky voice. "Jay? Is everything ok?"
"Yeah... sorry, did I wake you?" Jay asks noticing her tone, already picturing her half asleep on the couch with the TV on, like she always does.
"No, I was just here watching some TV! Do you need something?"
"I... well I just wanted to know if you need anything? With this kid thing... I mean... It's hard I know!"
"Jay I'm fine, just need time to process!"
Scratching slowly his forehead and trying to take the words of his chest he managed to say. "Erin... I wanted to know... well you seem so upset at Molly's... I..."
"Spit it out, Jay!" She said a little ruff making him stiff on his seat.
"Do you want me to go to you? I mean... I thought you could use some company tonight!"
"Aren't you at Molly's anymore?"
"No! I let them party by themselves." He chuckles.
"Look Jay I appreciate your concern. I really do, but I don't want you to come home just because you are worried about me, this was a little difficult to process, that's all, but I will get through and you shouldn't worry about me."
"You know I do!"
"Well once again I tell you it was you who left, and I want you to come home because you want to be with me, don't want you to come back for pity!"
"Erin! It is not that! You know me!"
"What is then, Jay?" Her tone sounds irritated now.
Jay stays in silence thinking about how he will approach this, rubbing his free hand on his legs and turning the car heat on, predicting a long talk, he starts. "Erin, I didn't leave because I didn't want to be with you, I didn't leave because of that stupid marriage thing either or because of Abby for that manner. And most of all I didn't leave because I don't love you, because I do love you, so much... I leave because …"
"Because of what Jay?! " Erin asks higher that she wanted.
Jay breathes in and out and Erin heard it through the phone. She waited for him to answer, but she was not laying down anymore, she had changed to seat and stiff because all this was getting on her nerves.
"I leave because I don't feel wordy of you!"
"What?" She asks in surprise, relaxing on the couch again.
"Erin, when Abby appeared out of nowhere, she brought with her the memories of who I was back then and I already told you how much ashamed I am about that. Back then I was a mess, a big failure, I was a drunk and more. And I know you think that all of that is behind me, but she came back to remind me that it's not. Not at all. What do you think that all my rules, nit and organization obsessions are? I use that as tools to have my shit together. In one of the last meetings on the support group, I end up realizing that I join the force exactly because it was the only job where I wasn't allowed to fail, giving me tools to keep my head straight. In our job, we have to be always by the book, straight and with no relapses. And that was exactly what I needed. But you saw me losing it more than once. And when she came back reminding me how I was back then, all the guilt, the feeling of not being good enough, not being strong enough, came back and you need someone clean and strong by your side, not a wreck." He releases a breath when he finally finishes.
"Jay, you're not a wreck. And how could you not feel wordy off me, if you had seen all the sheet that is under my carpet sort of speak!" Her tone was now soft and sweet, making Jay miss her so much all of sudden that he almost leave the car and run upstairs.
"Exactly for that Erin, you deserve someone problem free, you already have too much in your life to handle. I regret a lot of things that I did and feel guilty for a lot too. When we were overseas we had to make so many unfair decisions, and take so many innocent lives that when I finally was discharged I felt hunted for too much time. I had nightmares and saw people that I had killed. It was hard to handle and I used booze and sometimes even meds to bury that feeling, but I couldn't do it. They are still here." He sounds defeated now.

"Jay I'm sorry that you had to handle with all that burden but, you left. You, the one who chase me for more than three years to let you help me get through my stuff. You, that push me to learn to rely on you, to share my burden with you. Don't you think that's a bit a hypocrite attitude on your part? Run from me, now that we were finally handling our stuff. Now that I was finally doing what you so hard push me to do?"

"I know and I really regret it. But like I said I needed to feel that you could really on me again before I could be with you again. But tonight when I saw how damage you were I felt I was failing on you... again."
"I'm ok Jay. And I will respect your time. I will, don't worry!" She tries to comfort him.
"Ok! Thanks and once again I was supposed to be the one comforting you!"
"I'm ok Jay. For real. I'm here on the couch watching something on the TV and trying to convince myself that I did what I was supposed to"
"Ok then! I will let you be. But if you want a comforting hug I can drop by!" He had hoping she says she wants him to.
" Like I said I want you to come when you ready and... I must confess that... I don't know when I will be ready to let you in... again!" Jay receives her words like a punch in the stomach.
"Ok then... I hope we can figure this out somehow." Was all he could say. And now he was sure that he will have to work hard for her to let him in again.
"Yeah, for now... I have your hoodie so I'm feeling pretty comfortable!" She said trying to light the air a bit because she noticed the sadness in his voice and because she wanted so much to be with him now, but she was too stubborn and haughty to say that out loud. And the truth was he left her a little out the guard by leaving the way he did. His attitude made her doubt them and their relationship and she needed to feel safe again to allow him to come back. With or without his problems fixed. Because she loves him too much, damage or not, she does and she doesn't want to lose him. Jay was the best thing she had on her life, and he manages to hurt more than he thought with his insecurities. Although she understands him now. Finally, she does understand him.

"What hoodie?" He asks smiling.
"The black one, from some soccer team!"
"The one that I left in the laundry basket?"
"Yeah"
"But it's dirty!" He says in shock.
"It's not dirty, it's used and it's comfortable!" She says already picture him chuckle about this.
"Ok then I let you be with MY dirty hoodie but know you can call anytime ok, I'm still your partner and your friend!"
"Yeah, I know! Thank you! Good night Jay! Happy Birthday!"
"Thank you, Erin! Sleep tight!"
They both hung up staring at the phone with a slight smile on their faces.
Erin sniffed his hoodie trying to get Jay smell from it and Jay drove to Will's thinking how he will manage to come home.