Chapter 38

Somewhere over the Pacific

Spring 2015

Before she knew it, everyone had suited up and they were all going their separate ways. There was no time to waste, as the saying went. So the team split, with each heading off on their own missions.

Stark went on to the NEXUS. Thor was still MIA, presumably still doing whatever it was he had left to do. Fury was headed on to New York, taking Banner with him. The scientist, no matter that he looked much better, arguably still needed to sleep off the lingering effects from the disastrous mission in South Africa.

Besides, they simply couldn't take the risk of him going green again just now, not after Johannesburg. Especially not with the Maximoff girl still in play. So he was heading back to the Tower to recuperate further and lend long-distance support to the rest of the team as needed.

Rogers, Barton, Natasha and Nadine, meanwhile, went on to Seoul. And Nadine couldn't quite fight the anxious feeling growing in her gut. Yes, they had a better idea of what they were up against should they face off with Ultron and the Twins again, but still… They hadn't exactly fared so well the last time.

And then there was Ultron himself. He was a wild card: utterly unpredictable in his methods. Nothing he was doing seemed to make sense. There was something they were missing. And that really made Nadine nervous. That's what made him so dangerous in her mind. Not his body-swapping ability, or his brute strength, his technology, his resources or even his talent for slipping away through the Internet. Not even that he still had Nina.

It was his unpredictability.

It left her feeling extremely uneasy about tracking him down…chasing after him digitally? It was as good as going behind enemy lines when dealing with Ultron.

At first Nadine thought she was going to be riding back to New York with Fury and Banner to get back to work on her search for the Twins and to start her work on tracing Ultron to his base of operations…hopefully finding out where he was keeping Nina in the process.

Only to be waylaid by Rogers asking that she join them on the Quinjet to Seoul.

"We'll need everyone we can get," he'd explained, "especially if Ultron and the Twins are there. Plus, we need you and Nat to start putting your heads together as soon as possible to find Ultron's base. And since I need Nat with me and Barton, it makes sense that you stay with her. It's a long trip to Seoul; you can get a good start." Inexplicably, Nadine had hesitated, but she'd seen no reason to refuse.

He'd been right, after all. Not only had they been able to start tracing Ultron immediately, it was much easier to work with Natasha when they were actually together.

Neither could she deny the logic of having as many hands on deck as they could in the event a fight broke out…not that Nadine believed her presence would make much difference should that happen. Ultron and the Twins had easily been able to take the whole team the first time—the fact that they'd caught the Avengers unawares was rather beside the point. She had a feeling being prepared would've made little difference.

No sooner had they taken off then Nadine and Natasha were settling in in front of the Quinjet's computer consoles. It didn't take long for Nadine to retrieve what remained of her work on locating the Twins from the Avengers' servers or for Natasha to do the same with their fledgling attempts at tracking Ultron.

Then they dove in.

At first it was slow going, each woman digging through a monumental digital equivalent of white noise. But as the hours passed and they drew closer to Seoul, their work grew more focused and their verbal exchanges more succinct as they began to make real headway.

As high as the stakes were, Nadine had to admit she was enjoying working side-by-side with her sister. It was easy, working like this with Nat, like they'd been working together like this for years. Their thought processes and skill level were similar enough that they didn't often have to take time to explain what one needed the other to do. They just did it, sometimes doing it instinctively before the other even asked. And as they dug deeper into their trace on the Maximoffs and Ultron, verbal queries and confirmations all but ceased altogether as they worked in perfect sync.

And it was working. They were getting closer with each keystroke. They were on the right track and they both knew it.

While it had taken time, between Nadine and Natasha's hacking skills and Nadine's expertise in finding those who didn't wish to be found, they were finally narrowing in where Ultron was hiding his base of operations.

"Steve," Natasha called as she stood from her own console to look over Nadine's shoulder, "I think we're close." As the Captain made his way over, Nadine added: "It's looking like he's set up shop somewhere in Eastern Europe. A few more minutes, and we should be able to narrow it down to a country. A few more after that and—" she was abruptly cut off as Ultron's voice echoed through the Quinjet.

"You think you can find my secrets, Nadine Ryker? Or should I say, Nadya Rykova? You think I wasn't expecting this?" Instantly, Natasha and Nadine were scrambling to stop his intrusion.

Or better yet, use it to trace him further.

"I knew we were getting close," Natasha hissed as her fingers flew over the keyboard, "he wouldn't be doing this otherwise. He's nervous. He's panicking." Silently, Nadine nodded in agreement, forcing away the anxious dread that had materialized in her gut the instant Ultron had said her name…both names. She had to stay focused. He was trying to distract her and she couldn't let him…but despite her best efforts, it was a dread that only intensified as his voice continued to purr through the cabin.

"How would you like it if I started sharing your secrets?" And then all the screens went black for a heartbeat before documents, images, videos and more were flashing across them, each and every one a snapshot of Nadine's life…both lives. Though her face paled, she didn't stop, even when she felt Natasha's fearful eyes glancing her way. She didn't even let herself try to stop him revealing her secrets; she was close, she could feel it! She couldn't stop. They needed to find Ult—and then her fingers froze at what the A.I. said next, her face going a step past white to ashen.

Especially at the images and documents suddenly staring back at her from every screen around them. Behind her Rogers tensed as Natasha audibly gasped in dismay.

"How would your new friends feel to learn about your history with the Winter Soldier? Would they still trust you after learning about how you toyed with him…" Nadine felt like she was about to be sick, her horror at what Ultron was doing solidifying her dread into a hard, sharp mass expanding into her chest, "…seduced him…"

"It wasn't like that," she choked out as the A.I. fell silent, her voice hardly more than a whisper. Natasha was looking between her sister and her friend with fearful apprehension. Slowly, her entire body feeling sluggish with the weight of what Ultron just revealed, Nadine turned to Natasha, her wide grey eyes vulnerable with panic and dismay as she reached up to grab at the redhead's wrist imploringly, "Natalia, it wasn't like that, I swear. It wasn't—"

"I know, Nadya," Natasha broke in softly, struggling to keep her own reactions in check as she took her sister's cold hand tightly in her own. A sound almost like a gasping sob hiccupped in Nadine's throat at the assurance, her eyes sliding shut with a flicker of relief. But it was then that Steve spoke, his voice hard.

"Then what was it like?" His movements stiff with suppressed anger, the Captain leaned forward, tapping on the monitor to bring the video playing silently behind the other windows forward on the screen.

Nadine nearly choked on the horror rising like bile in her throat, suddenly feeling like a jagged lump of ice was rolling around in the pit of her stomach while the weight of a building tried to settle on her shoulders.

"Where did he get this…" It was barely more than a strangled murmur, but they heard her, "it shouldn't even…"

There was no mistaking what the video showed. Even old, dark and grainy as it was, her pale hair gleamed in the dim light and the nondescript cotton nightgown did nothing to hide her strong, lithe dancer's form—her assassin's form. A distant part of her even recognized the room as the one she used to retreat to for a moment of quiet in another life, in her past life.

And there was no mistaking him. The metal arm alone gave it away, but mostly she recognized him in the way he moved; powerful and predatory.

Neither was there any chance of mistaking what was happening.

It all came back in a rush; every desperate, agonizing moment she'd tried to bury away, every feeling of guilt and horror and regret that part of her life had left festering in the most secret corners of her mind.

She couldn't bring herself to tear her eyes away. Not locked as they were on him. Not with her memories of the man so newly refreshed in her mind. Not with her heart breaking anew at the memory of how empty he'd seemed. How horrifically blank. And yet…there had been those brief, hopeful moments where he'd seemed so very nearly aware.

It was branded into her memory. She'd never escape it. Never atone…

He'd been so aimless. He'd been left to his own command in that room, but had been so indoctrinated and controlled that he'd seemed almost lost as he'd looked down at her, stalking closer as though he hadn't quite been sure if she were friend…or prey.

But then…that flicker of awareness…

God, why had she let herself give in? How could she have been so weak…she should have been stronger. She had been trained to be stronger!

She should've known to run as soon as she'd realized she wasn't alone in that room…

But as she looked at the video, a sickening realization crashed in on her, making Nadine's stomach roil even more violently and her chest feel like it was caving in on itself for the pressure her sudden welling of despair was exerting.

She'd been set up.

They'd known about her retreat, her refuge. Madame B, once she'd realized Nadine was going to refuse, had pushed her harder in training, knowing the expectation placed on her would drive her to the solitude of that abandoned room…

It was why he'd been quartered there.

She had been played.

How had she not seen it before? It was so painfully obvious! She'd been set up, expertly manipulated, and she had played right into their plan. And once there, she hadn't been able to resist the pull, the intensity of the desire being alone with him had ignited.

But looking now at the way her legs, pale and slender and bright in the dim footage, were wrapped around his waist, or the way his metal arm had braced against the wall, or how her hands clutched at his hair and shoulders as he moved against her in the grainy video file, she felt nothing. Even as the ghosting memories brushed against her skin—trying to remind her of the intoxicating feel of him against her, inside her, of the excruciating burn that had surged through her body at his touch, firing up her senses in a way she'd never expected, had never experienced until then—she felt nothing. Nothing except shame and regret and misery.

And the weight of her new companions knowing pressing down on her.

Her eyelids slammed shut.

She couldn't watch anymore.

"If you're looking for an explanation, I have nothing satisfying to offer. It was an assignment." She felt so numb that she barely realized the quiet, resigned words had even left her mouth.

Technically, what she'd said was true. But it had been more than that then. She didn't know what aspect she hated more, that it had been ordered of her—the fact that she'd refused initially was irrelevant—or that she'd also wanted it…desperately.

God, she sounded heartless. But when she glanced up, inadvertently catching Natasha's nearly despondent gaze, she realized that was the wrong descriptor.

She sounded lifeless.

"Did you have a choice?" Natasha's voice was nearly a whisper, but to Nadine it felt like a shout. She forced a breath into her lungs, her chest aching with the effort, before making a helplessly unsure almost-shrug and answering her oldest friend.

"I—not as much as I believed at the time," she finally admitted, not caring that the bitter truth sounded more like an excuse. A stricken look passed like a shadow over Natasha's face, her eyes beginning to shine in the artificial light.

"Did he?" Nadine's eyes jerked instinctively to Steve, but she could hardly bear to look at him. He couldn't look at her, his eyes unfocused as they stared down past his tightly crossed arms. But then he did, his gaze latching painfully onto hers. He sounded so emotionless, so detached. It felt…wrong to see his naturally open features so closed off.

But then she caught the faintest glimpse of the pain he was fighting so hard to restrain…pain and anger. She didn't expect it to hurt so much to see. Nadine nearly choked when she tried to answer, her chest aching with the tension in the Quinjet that only seemed to get worse with each passing moment.

"I don't know," she finally forced out, "I keep looking back, trying to figure out if—if he had any—but I don't know. I was told he would be under no orders…that they'd be leaving him free to follow his base instincts if he were capable…but I don't know if that was true. There were moments when I thought—when he'd brush back my hair, or—my supervisor didn't think that would even be possible, claiming he didn't have the free-will anymore to—but then he'd—I just don't know anymore." Unable to stand it any longer, the weight pressed down on her until she sagged into the chair, her head falling to her hand as she instinctively began curling in on herself, in around her aching heart, as though that could somehow ease the weight or the aching awareness of them knowing, of what she'd revealed, and of what was left unsaid.

For the longest time no one said a word, the Quinjet falling utterly silent under the burden of Nadine's spilled secret. Natasha's hand didn't ease its grip on Nadine's though, and for that she was grateful. It felt like the firm pressure on her fingers was the only thing holding her together just then.

But part of her also wished Natasha would pull away—she didn't have the strength or the will to do it herself, unable to sacrifice that one comfort—feeling like there was no way she even remotely deserved such a demonstration of compassion and support.

How could she, with what she'd done to that poor man laid bare for all to see?

She didn't even know his real name, for heaven's sake. She knew nothing about who he'd once been before.

Not for any lack of effort…but what did that matter? It changed very little.

Rogers was the one to finally break the silence.

"Did you know?" Steve had turned his hard gaze to Natasha, his voice low. It was only then that Nadine recognized the cast of his voice; hurt, betrayal, disbelief. Natasha had recognized it immediately, her response cautioning but sad.

"Steve—"

"Did you know." There was no arguing, and they all knew it. Reluctantly, Natasha nodded. A pained breath was crushed from Steve.

"Not at the time, not exactly. But I figured it out."

"And you didn't think to tell me?"

"What good would it have done," she countered just as softly, her eyes impossibly conflicted but nevertheless certain that she was still right.

He didn't have a response to that. At least not one that he was willing to say. And when he simply turned and paced to the other end of the Quinjet, Nadine was struck with a sudden, painful stab of guilt even as an ache of relief seeped through her.

The rest of the trip passed in silence.

Nadine wasn't sure if that was a mercy or a curse.

A/N: Well? Many of you were wondering when that'd come out...and I do believe I warned that there'd be drama...or at least, many of you predicted it and I didn't disagree :P I hope I didn't frighten too many of you away!

Thanks for reading!

Be sure to favourite, follow and, of course, REVIEW! Reviews bring doses of happiness and sunshine to my life!

See you next time!

Guest Reviews:

Jo: I'm glad to hear it! :) And you'll just have to wait and see!

Jenny: Hahaha! The Bartons have (semi)officially adopted Nadine, so definitely! And you certainly have a point! She is distracted, for sure. Thanks for reviewing!