Forbidden Moons-Biologically, humans have to have a threshold of violence. We'd like to think that we're advanced now, but the truth is that we are still animals-afraid of the unknown, capable of self-defense, even if it may lead to someone's demise. We are the only animals who insist otherwise. Pathetic.
E. Vedica-My dear, science is a repetitive process. One has to rely on the more subtle differences between patients for 'entertainment'.
Edward isn't the type to scare easy, especially not out of surprise. The weak-minded can be surprised, but he is above all that.
Annoyed, however, is an emotion he can indulge in. And indulge he does-when one finds the Scarecrow in one's lair, annoyance is acceptable.
A little alarm is also acceptable, when said Scarecrow is grinning like a schoolboy who's just learned an especially filthy joke. Jonathan Crane isn't emotional. Glee? Never.
So this can only be bad.
"Hello, Jon."
"Edward."
Any hopes Edward might have been entertaining of Jon fighting a dose of Joker Gas are dashed at that-he sounds far, far too amused to be anything but sane. Well. As sane as he ever is.
"What brings you to my humble abode?"
"A stopover. Batman dropped by."
Hm. Perhaps something nasty has befallen Batman. Jon's usual response to Bat-visits consists of 'my research!' and 'numbskull kidnapped my patient!' and a fair bit of 'no respect for science!'
Truthfully, Edward is…confused. Which is not something he enjoys, so he channels it towards being irritated.
"Why me."
"You were close." Kitty grumbles from behind him. "Can you stop, it's not that funny!"
Well, now. This could be interesting.
"Oh, but it is." Jon's grin grows a little wider. "I'm sure Batman doesn't think so, if it's any consolation."
"Batman can sod off!" Ouch. "And you wipe that grin off your face before I do it for you."
"You can't even reach."
Kitty bristles. Edward is reminded of a kitten versus a big, friendly dog.
Hm. Not an analogy he ever thought he'd use on a pair of serial killers. Apparently today is going to be a New Things day.
"I will climb you. I've done it before, I'll do it again."
Jon tries to school his expression into…something else…but isn't successful and ends up with a slightly smaller grin, eyes glittering behind his glasses.
It's…unsettling. He doesn't need to know that, but it is.
"Did you lead Batman here." That's the important thing. He has traps, of course he has traps, but preparation is always nice.
"No." Kitty seethes. "He's fine, we'll be out of here when there's sun, don't you dare tell him."
This last is directed at Jonathan, who cocks his head at her.
"Kitty, you can't expect him to put us up without knowing what happened." he says, far too innocently for him to be any such thing. "Isn't that right, Edward?"
On one hand, he's dying of curiosity. On the other hand, he could be murdered.
He'll be fine. There is a laser in this kitchen-a simple button will activate it.
"That's right."
"Fine." Kitty mutters. "I-"
"Ah-ah. I will do the telling."
"You weren't even there!"
"You'll leave half of it out!"
"Only the unimportant bits!"
"Kitty, you are a terrible storyteller. I. Will. Do it."
"If we're going to tell him, I will do it, 'cos I was there."
Jon shrugs and leans against the counter.
"If you leave anything out, I'll take over."
If looks could kill, Edward thinks, Gotham would breathe a little easier tonight.
"All right, I was brushing my teeth…"
Kitty spat a gob of toothpaste into the sink and grimaced. Whatever kind the old bird had been buying, it was horrific. Tasted like some combination of felt-tip marker (she'd been three, shut up) and fake mint and maybe a little bit of that nasty bubble gum elderly people everywhere seemed to be able to conjure.
It was a humid, miserable summer, almost bad enough to rival Georgia. Even Jonathan was grumbling, a little. Which was why she wet a washcloth and rubbed it over her face and neck while reaching blindly for the Lysterine.
Her fingers touched…not-plastic.
The bottle was on the floor a second before her brain clicked together and helpfully provided, roach legs!
She flailed, brushing her fingers frantically against her shirt, as the roach, startled by its fall, took flight.
Fuck. NO.
She dove out of the way as it flitted out of the bathroom and smacked the wall. Where was that Raid, why was that flying, where the hell was Jonathan? What were men for if not to deal with monsters, hm?
Although.
He'd get it, if she asked. He might not even chase her with the wadded-up paper towel, if she threatened tears. But he'd never let her hear the end of it, and she knew, just knew, that he had a bag of rubber ones somewhere that could be tucked behind shampoo bottles or tossed into laundry hampers.
She spotted the Raid. Descision made.
It couldn't have gotten far, but the hallway was dark and these slippers weren't great. Where was it, if she touched it again she really was going to cry and make Jonathan come get it anyway…
Well? Where the fuck was it?
She turned a corner and registered BIG BLACK SHADOW before registering anything else.
The Raid was up and spraying before she could blink.
"You sprayed the Batman with…roach killer?" That's not so bad. A bit of a letdown, really.
"Uh-huh."
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"No."
"Something you…might have screamed at him?"
"Jonathan…"
The wide, schoolboy-has-learned-something-extracurricular-today grin has returned.
"Final answer?"
"Don't you do it."
Jonathan opens his mouth and Kitty lunges forward, hand flailing. He ducks, grabs her, and claps a hand over her mouth.
"I was downstairs," he says, as though his girlfriend isn't trying to murder him, "so I may have missed something, but my first clue that Batman had arrived was her screaming, 'not today, roach overlord!'"
Oh.
Kitty finally gets loose and whirls. Edward half-expects steam to rise from her head.
"I will kill you."
"You will not."
"Watch me."
"You'd regret it before I even stopped breathing, Kitty." he says lazily. "Many, many hospital doctors dread to see us coming, and it's not entirely my fault."
She opens her mouth, pauses, and flips him off instead.
"I might."
"You would."
"We'll discuss this. And you." Edward has no illusions that she will regret his murder. As such, he is not sorry for inching his finger closer to the laser-button. "If you breathe one word of this, just one, I will shove that cane of yours so far up your arse that it'll take a week for them to remove it." She rises on tip-toe and jabs her finger at his chest. "One. Word."
He thinks she's going for scary, but he's spent a lot of time around Oswald Cobblepot. He knows the common tactics for combating one's vertical challenges, and he is not impressed.
All the same, Oswald is less impulsive these days. If he wants someone dead, he thinks about it. Weighs the pros and cons. Kitty? Not so much.
"Not a word." he promises, already vowing to call Bats 'Roach Overlord' the next time they meet. "I promise."
She wobbles and goes back down.
"You'd better." She retreats to the counter, arms crossed, and scowls. "Stop grinning, it's creepy."
"I've had so little happiness in my life-"
"Rubbish-"
"-let me have this."
"No."
"Think I'll have it anyway."
"I am not above castration."
"Somehow I doubt that."
"General maiming, then."
"Mm-hm." She pokes his ribs. "That's it. I shall die here, on Edward's Lysol-smelling floor, from that lethal poke."
"Clorox." Edward corrects. "The floor smells like Clorox, Lysol doesn't work as well."
What? It doesn't.
Kitty gives him a brief look of pity. Jonathan's just opening his mouth, probably to make a snide comment (peon, as though he'd know the difference anyway) when a window breaks and Gotham's own mobile gargoyle slams into the pair of them.
"Fucking hell!"
"How did you even-"
Edward reaches for his button and takes a batarang to the hand. He clutches it, hissing through clenched teeth, and tries to run.
He doesn't make it very far, but even when Batman's cuffing his hands, he can't help himself.
"Rough night, Roach Overlord?"
The only warning he gets is the narrowing of eyes.
THE END