There was a time before the turtles. A time where I didn't have a house full of ninjas running around driving me nuts. A time when training didn't take up a large part of my life. There was a time when I wasn't constantly surrounded by my large and strange family. There was a time I was alone at night in my room, crying myself to sleep, if I even did sleep. There was a time when I was alone, and felt so lonely.

I know I've hinted at it before but I don't think anyone can truly understand unless I lay it out better. Honestly I don't think a lot of folks out there can really understand this, and those who do more than likely do so because they've been there, they know this feeling intimately because they've lived it.

I've shared a lot of adventures with all of you. My fears, my worries. Facing new threats and old ones with the guys and blundering through one mishap to the next, always trying to save the situation with our skills, brains, wits and jokes. I've even honestly shared my past. And I can say out of all of this, the thing that was hardest for me to beat was the looming cloud of doom that was starting to cloud my vision right before that fateful lighting bolt hit.

I also know what some of you are thinking. What is she complaining about? Her family is nearby, Mandi was there too. There was no reason to feel alone, there was always someone there to talk too. Some of you may even be thinking god, what is she whining about? Just suck it up already and deal with it. It's not that easy. I wish it were, but it's not. Even with those I love close by, I still felt that sense of...emptiness. Hopelessness. Neglected. Unwanted. I put my heart into things and get crushed emotionally when all I get is a hey, that's cool. Projects I can't complete, for one reason or another, is something else that would seriously knock me off of my emotional rocker. I try to keep from thinking this way, but it always seemed that anything that would even remotely bring me a tiny bit of joy, or help my little family's living quality...would always blow up in my face. Yeah, some of your whine detectors are blaring...am I right? It does sound whiny from the outside looking in. But there is the other side you don't see.

You don't see how bad it tears up someone inside. You try to reach out, and no one understands. I never asked for pity, but I do search for a way to fight past those barriers by writing, drawing (even as crappy as they are) and other things. Hell, I'll be honest, I get down right needy. Annoying. Repetitive because I'm so unsure the compliments are actually meant the way they are given. If I'm working with someone on something and they can't do their end of the project, I'm not sure if it's because they are actually busy, or if I'm getting on their nerves too much and they just avoid doing it. And I usually assume it's the second reason because I'm so unsure of myself that I do pester the hell out of them. Even though I know they are busy with their own lives, that feeling of they just don't want to interact with me prevails. The end result is I shut everyone out, even close friends like Mandi. She lives right down the road but there have been times when I would go months without talking to her, just because I don't want to bother her in her busy life. She'd always welcome me back with open arms when I do snap myself out of those phases, but what do you do when those phases happen more and more and get longer with time? Have you ever been so disappointed with your world that you never leave your own house? Unless you absolutely had too? Have you been so broken down from your life that every little thing that doesn't go as planned becomes a personal affront to you? Even something as simple as a text being ignored or just simply overlooked? Projects you've spent sleepless nights on, barely get glimpsed at and it just crushes your high hopes. You show them proudly off to anyone who will look, and they seem to barely acknowledge it. It's like someone letting the air out of your inflatable life preserver you need to stay afloat. It destroys your will to even try anything new anymore. You give up before you even start and it rips your confidence to shreds. And suddenly you find yourself sitting at your computer in tears...and you really can't explain why because it's so many things going on, not necessarily at the same time either. You're not sure if it's the latest perceived failure or the wrenching feelings of loneliness that is causing the flood to flow this time. And that is the scariest part for me, you don't even really know why you are even crying.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I'm not saying everything should and will go right the first time or you get the results right away. A lot of things take time, patience, effort and a shit load of trial and error. Most folks understand that, hell I understand that. Doesn't change the fact that is how I felt about it though. And the end result was self inflicted isolation. I felt no one understood me, no one cared. No one would even take a moment to try and see things from my point of view. This isn't a good situation to be in folks, because what I'm describing here in these rambling words, or trying too anyway...is my version of mental hell, my depression. So yes, I'd lock everyone out of my life, then sit in misery in my hermit like state. I'd cry most nights, I didn't want to do shit, not even keep the house clean and laundry kept up. I only did what I had to do to make sure we all were fed and clothed...and that was it. Mother of the year material? Probably not. Did I want to be this way? No. Go to the doctor and get meds! Two problems with that theory, from a distorted mental point of view. One, I suck at taking medicine. Shit, I couldn't even remember to take birth control pills when I was supposed too...and you think I'll do better with prescription meds? Two...I'd actually have to go out and admit that I need help, and that was more terrifying than actually trying to deal with this on my own. What if the Ex found out? Would he try and take the kids because I was a nut job? What would others think of me? I was fucked up enough already with the rest of the shit I dealt with in my thirty plus years...do I really want to add this on there too?

There is no easy answer to any of these issues, each person deals with them in their own way. Some go the medicated/therapy route and there are those who suffer quietly. I'm one of those quiet sufferers. So quiet in fact that when I do reach out, it is an act of desperation, a last chance before I fell over into that black pit of despair. Silently begging someone to pull me back from that brink before I collapsed into a pile of lethargic, sobbing don't give a shit sobbing lump of flesh. And I have had a few of those meltdowns. By the time anyone actually notices that, it's already too late and another chunk of confidence has just been wept away making the next pit so much easier to fall in.

Even as I tell you this, my personal savior is near. Leo is there, always will be. He is my therapy. Every time I feel lost, alone, I pull him close to me and take comfort in the fact he is there and I can move on. I guess you could say I'm still a hermit, I don't go out much in my home world still, but in their world I see things you never would even imagine. I've grown close to my turtles and my mood brightens when they are around. Leo and his brothers is probably the best therapy I could ever ask for, and I don't think they know it really. Well, Leo does, but that's a given.

I honestly don't know why I decided to share this. Probably for the same reason I've shared so many other things. Someone out there may be feeling the same things and take some kind of comfort from the fact they aren't the only one. I've found a way to deal with it, for the most part. I still have moments but I hope that you can find your own Leo, whatever form he may come in, and find the strength you need from him. And I guess I hope that those who I let close to me will read this and understand me a bit better. I'm really not a crazy nut job...I hope anyway. Just a person trying to make her way in a world that seems at times to do it's best to make you fall. Just find that support to hold you and you won't, no matter how bad it tries.