So this is a fic that I hand wrote the entirety of about four years ago, after binging the first three seasons of P&F. I just got around to finally rewriting it. It's already done, so I'll be posting regularly.
Mild content warning in this chapter for canonical child abuse, but nothing graphic.
Thanks to my sister, eternal-song, for beta'ing for me.
Perry smacked his wrist communicator. Nothing. Growling, he smacked it against a nearby tree. The screen stayed blank, just like the previous twenty times he'd done the same.
Okay. Percussive maintenance wasn't working. Which meant he was genuinely out of range of OWCA communication. Or the network was down; that happened more often than Perry would like. Either way, Perry couldn't get a hold of the agency, and so he would have to figure out his latest problem on his own.
Namely, where in the world he was.
Things had been as usual earlier in the day. Perry had been trapped in a suitcase, trying to unzip himself as Dr. Doofenshmirtz rambled about how it was such a hassle to arrange travel to see people, and wouldn't it just be easier to be able to transport yourself directly to them? And then Perry had escaped and attacked the man just as he was about to fire the -inator at himself, and Doofenshmirtz had fallen into the control panel and the device had fired right at the attacking platypus.
And, to make matters worse, his hat had fallen off when he'd jumped at the doctor, leaving Perry stranded, without the majority of his equipment, and with little chance of the doctor showing up with his jet pack to get him out of this situation.
The platypus looked around. He was standing at the edge of a fairly dense forest, tall deciduous trees shading the packed dirt road in front of him. Across the street was a row of picturesque yet oddly sepia-toned houses, built in an old European style, thatched roofs and all. Something about the place niggled at his memory. He knew it from somewhere, but he couldn't place it.
Perry worried at the gap in his knowledge as he began to explore, his webbed feet kicking up dust as he walked. The houses were rather nice, he supposed, although architecture was more Phineas' thing. He thought it was kind of tacky that every house he passed had a lawn gnome out front, but hey, he was just a platypus. What did he know about landscape design?
As he approached the end of the street, Perry caught the sound of laughing. Whoever it was seemed to be heading towards him, and he looked around quickly for a hiding spot. He ducked behind a lawn gnome as a group of kids rounded the corner. No need to be seen by a group of strangers – better to have the element of surprise, especially when he didn't even know where he was.
The group of kids was talking excitedly, and – wait. Were they speaking German?
Perry smacked his head against the gnome a few times, feeling like an idiot. It was obvious. He'd even been here before, twice, so he should have recognized the area. But who would Doofenshmirtz want to visit in Drusselstein, anyway? It wasn't like the man had many fond memories of the place. Unless he wanted to visit his ocelot family...
The kids' laughter cut off that train of thought. They were passing in front of the lawn where Perry was hidden. He watched them cautiously, wondering if one of them was the person Doofenshmirtz wanted to see. They all seemed to be fairly normal, although they were laughing about some kid they'd been teasing. Perry clenched his fists. Bullying wasn't precisely evil, but it was something he didn't tolerate. He had to consciously prevent himself from trying to teach these kids a lesson that probably wouldn't sink in anyway.
At least OWCA made sure all of their agents could understand German. Perry had been skeptical of their reasoning, as they'd fed them all some line about how supervillains, in general, were German or grew up in German-speaking areas. It seemed like an unnecessary stereotype on their parts, as the majority of the evil people that Perry had met (and at this point, he'd met quite a few) didn't speak a word of German. However, the lessons had definitely ended up benefiting him, so he supposed he really couldn't complain.
When he couldn't hear the kids anymore, Perry carefully ventured out from behind the gnome. He headed in the other direction, keeping his senses peeled for anyone else. The person Doofenshmirtz had wanted to bring himself to couldn't be far, after all. Whomever it was.
A quiet sound from in the trees caught his attention. It was almost too faint to hear, so it was likely that the group of kids hadn't even noticed. Perry couldn't quite tell, but it sounded like someone crying. He frowned and dropped to all fours, creeping towards the source of the crying.
As he got closer, he grew sure – it was definitely someone crying. Whoever it was seemed to be trying to muffle the sound, too, because it sounded choked and there were frequent sniffs. Perry's frown deepened and he hurried closer. Sitting against a tree ahead, he saw a young boy. The boy had his knees drawn up and his face was buried into his legs. He was shaking slightly. Perry let out a gentle chatter, wondering if there was some way to cheer him up.
The boy's head popped up, looking around wildly before locking his tear-filled eyes with the platypus. Perry realized, at that moment, how very desperate his situation actually was.
.:.:.
Heinz held his breath. The creature, whatever it was, was staring right at him, and his ocelot-learned instincts were screaming at him that it was challenging him, that it was going to attack him, that he needed to run or hide or something, and he had no idea how dangerous the creature was but he still had the scars that had taught him not to underestimate a challenge and...
The creature blinked slowly. Heinz relaxed and let out the breath he was holding, his mind pulling out of its panicked spiral, and he took a moment to actually study the creature.
"A platypus?" he said aloud. What was a platypus doing in Gimmelshtump? And why did he have the feeling that it should be wearing a fedora?
It wandered forward and nudged at his hand with its bill. He lifted his hand up a little, and the platypus nudged under it so that it was resting on its head. Heinz drew in a slow breath, barely daring to move, and waited for the platypus to run away or attack or something, just like everything else always did. But it didn't move. It just looked up at him expectantly. Carefully, he stroked the plush fur under his fingers, and the platypus let out another chatter that sounded suspiciously similar to a purr.
"Hey little guy," he said softly, a small smile starting to form on his face. "I'm Heinz."
The platypus chattered again, almost as if it was responding to the introduction.
Heinz's smile grew. "Well, I can't pronounce that," he said. The platypus looked up at him with a completely deadpan expression. "It's true!" he insisted, feeling defensive.
The platypus looked away, as though exasperated. Heinz marveled briefly at how intelligent the platypus seemed to be, before realizing he was probably just projecting what he wanted to see onto a blank canvas and pretending it was real. Just like he'd done with Balloony.
His face fell at the thought. Balloony. He'd drifted off over a year ago, but Heinz still wasn't over the loss of his only friend. Okay, so he'd been a balloon. Heinz knew that. He knew he'd been deluding himself, but it had been nice to pretend he wasn't alone for a while. Even if it was just for pretend.
The thought was broken by another chatter from the unusually talkative platypus. He realized he'd stopped petting the creature, and resumed the repetitive motion.
"You're an odd little guy, aren't you? Most animals don't like me that much," he said. "Not even really Momma Ocelot. Though she did let me hang around. And, you know, didn't eat me."
He was talking quietly, not really wanting to draw any attention from anyone who might be passing by on the too-close road, but the platypus didn't seem to mind. It was watching him intently, and Heinz had to remind himself not to project too much onto it. It was an animal, after all, and it had his own life outside of him. He would probably never see it again after it inevitably wandered off. No need to get attached.
Heinz talked idly to the strange platypus. It was nice to have someone listen to him, even if the listener didn't actually understand him. And as long as he continued to pet it, the platypus didn't seem to mind his babbling.
Eventually, he realized how late it was getting. The sun was low in the sky; the light was filtering through the leaves, lighting the woods a deep golden color. He would need to get home soon if he wanted to be allowed inside tonight. He hoped he'd be allowed to sleep inside tonight. There was a definite chill in the air, and lawn gnome duty would be long and cold tonight.
Reluctantly, Heinz pulled his hand away from the platypus and stood up. It looked up, confused that the affection had stopped.
"I need to go home now," he said, unable to keep the sadness from creeping into his voice. The platypus chattered quietly, and he smiled shakily. "Thank you for your company."
Reluctantly, he hurried off.
.:.:.
This was a bad idea. No, this was a horrible idea, and Perry knew it. But he couldn't stop himself from following Heinz as he rushed off.
Somehow, despite seeing backstory after backstory through slideshows, diagrams, and interpretive dance, Perry had never quite grasped how short of a straw Doofenshmirtz had drawn in life. This kid he was following had to be around the same age as Phineas, and yet he was short and scrawny and timid in a way no child should be. It riled up every protective instinct in Perry's body, and so he followed the boy against his better instincts.
He desperately didn't want to become another of Doofenshmirtz's backstories. Somehow, though, he had a sinking feeling that even if he were to get back to his own time right now, he already qualified.
Perry tried to keep a reasonable distance from Heinz, unsure if he wanted the boy to know he was there. Heinz's instincts had obviously been honed during his stay with the ocelots, and the boy was very aware of his surroundings.
He recognized the Doofenshmirtz house as they approached. It hadn't changed at all in the intervening years. Heinz hesitated on the front step, as though gathering the courage to face his family. Perry wasn't sure if he'd succeeded when he entered the house.
This was a really bad idea. Perry should be focusing on finding a way home, not meddling with the past. Not trying to help his nemesis' past self. Especially when he knew he wouldn't succeed. He wasn't sure how many of the backstories that Doofenshmirtz had shared Heinz had already lived through, but it was definitely not all of them. He knew that he wouldn't make any kind of dent in the life that Heinz faced. Everything about this was a horrendously bad idea and went against all of his secret agent training.
But the moment he'd seen the figure crying, he knew he needed to help. And he couldn't turn back on that decision now, not when he knew how much the boy needed someone. Anyone.
So Perry packed away his objections and crept nearer to the house. He could hear muffled voices, presumably arguing, as he got close, but couldn't pick out any specifics until an older male voice started shouting.
"Shut your mouth, blöde Fotze! Do not talk back to us!" Perry's German lessons hadn't included swears, OWCA preferring to keep their agents from swearing at all, but he could tell that was probably a bad one.
The door opened and large hands threw Heinz onto the front lawn. He was dressed as a garden gnome, complete with pointed hat and fake beard. Perry glared at the gnome that was already in the garden, wondering why Heinz was being forced to act as a gnome when the family had gotten their hands on one.
Perry crept closer to the boy, who stood and brushed himself off before assuming his garden gnome position. He was grumbling, face mutinous, but Perry could see traces of fear in his expression.
He got close enough to nudge the boy's leg with his bill. Heinz tensed, but didn't move, and flicked his eyes down to look at Perry.
"Herr Schnabltier?"
Perry chattered quietly, amused. Mr. Platypus, really? Of course, this is from the kid who named his balloon 'Balloony' and grew up to give all of his inventions highly literal names. It shouldn't be surprising.
"Did you follow me?" Heinz's soft voice wavered a little, and for a moment Perry was worried that the boy would start crying. But he just sniffed, glanced towards the window, and said, "Thank you."
Perry curled up around the boy's feet in response. He could feel Heinz trembling slightly. As much as Perry didn't want to think about it, the trembling probably had less to do with the restrictive position the boy stood in and more to do with a living creature showing him kindness. He knew that this was a task that Heinz was intimately familiar with. From the instinctive way he stood to the obvious wear on the too-small costume to the number of stories his future self had told Perry, it was quite obvious the lawn gnoming was something he'd done often for a long time.
"They wanted an extra guard for my brother," Heinz whispered, spitting out the last word. His eyes flicked to the window like he was hoping he wasn't overheard.
Perry's heart sank. He had no idea that Doofenshmirtz's grudge against his brother was so deep-seated, nor that it had started so early. It wasn't surprising, though, if his parents had used his brother as an excuse for their mistreatment.
Perry cuddled closer to Heinz's legs. He had a feeling it would be a long night.
.:.:.
Herr Schnabltier stayed curled up around Heinz's feet all night. It was nice, Heinz mused, not to be alone in the darkest parts of the night when all of the stories about witches and monsters seemed true. He never believed them, of course. He was a rational person. But the witching hour was called that for a reason and everything just seemed so much more possible then. Having someone else there definitely helped.
Not that Heinz would admit it to anyone. Not that there was anyone for Heinz to admit it to, except maybe Herr Schnabltier, and he didn't really count. He was a platypus, after all, and from what Heinz had heard, they didn't do much.
It was well past sunrise when the door opened and his mother yelled for him. Herr Schnabltier startled awake, but Heinz had been waiting for her since the sky began to lighten. Before they'd gotten the replacement gnome, they would leave him out for days on end, but now they were better at remembering to let him in.
He didn't dare say anything to Herr Schnabltier, not with his mother so close, lest she hear and try to chase his new friend away. He did nudge the platypus with his foot and give him a small smile before hurrying to the house.
His mother was waiting for him at the door. "Get dressed and get out. Your father and I are taking Roger out today and we don't want you messing with anything while we're gone."
"Yes, Mother," Heinz said. He hurried past her. His father was sitting in the front room, but he didn't look up from his newspaper or acknowledge Heinz in any way. Which was good. He only ever acknowledged Heinz to hurl abuse at him, after all.
He rushed up the stairs and down the hall, sparing a glare at Roger's room as he passed. Stupid younger brother. Heinz's room was only a little way down from his brother's, across from what used to be Only Son's room and was now a gallery of all of the dog's achievements. His own room was small, more of a closet than an actual room, really, but his parents never even tried to come in here so it was really the only space he could call his own.
Heinz changed quickly. Luckily he'd become pretty decent at sewing, so he was able to transform the dresses his mother had forced onto him into some more sensible and comfortable clothes. Some of the more ruffled monstrosities were honestly beyond saving, but many of the plainer dresses had made fine shirts and pants with a little work.
His parents didn't seem to notice him as he slipped out of the house. Heinz paused for a moment on the front step, looking around, but the yard was empty.
Stupid. Shoulders slumped, he continued down the path, berating himself for the little flicker of hope he'd allowed himself. Should have known better. He should probably head back into the woods. The bullies didn't usually look for him there, and maybe Herr Schnabltier had gone back to the woods and would find Heinz again.
Maybe. The word rang false in his head. His hopes had never counted for much before. He scuffed his feet in the dirt, not feeling particularly hopeful.
A faint chatter from the treeline broke Heinz's thoughts. He looked over to the source of the noise, and couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.
"Herr Schnabltier!" he cried, rushing over to the platypus. "You waited for me!"
He knelt down and started petting the soft teal fur on Herr Schnabltier's head, just like he had the day before. The platypus' eyes crossed in pleasure. "Thanks for sticking around," Heinz said, a little sheepish about his earlier doubt.
The platypus just looked up at him as though saying, Well what were you expecting?
"I don't know," Heinz admitted. "Not a whole lot of people like me." He reminded himself that talking to an animal as though it could respond, as though it had responded, wasn't any crazier than doing the same for a balloon. At least a platypus wasn't an inanimate object.
Herr Schnabltier nudged Heinz's hand, which had once again stilled.
"Yeah," Heinz said, and his voice felt thick and there were tears threatening to spill down his face. "I like you too."