Chapter 64

Upstate New York, USA

Late Spring 2015

Whatever it was that had passed between them during their brief conversation, it had proven a critical step to clearing the air between Steve and Nadine. And after that odd, subtle exchange of understanding the other day, things had shifted again just as it had after she'd opened up about her past with Barnes back on the Helicarrier.

She was beginning to feel, well…not exactly comfortable around the Captain, but close. As soon as her secret had come out followed by the subsequent inevitable conversation, Nadine had felt compelled to revert back to wearing her instinctive unreadable, professional persona again, instinctively keeping her feelings and her reactions to herself. Especially around Rogers. But after that conversation as they'd both stood watching over Nina, she found her defences beginning to slip again as they had at the Barton homestead. And once she realized she was doing it, the more she realized that she was okay with it, that she actually enjoyed the feeling of not having to school every minute expression or carefully police her tone or her words.

In barely a week between when she'd first sought out the Avengers and the disastrous Seoul flight, she'd started to enjoy not having to maintain control of herself nearly every second. That not only had she not felt the need to, but that she'd begun to enjoy letting her guard down around the Avengers. She hadn't even entirely realized she'd been doing it at first, and once she had? Well, it was only after Seoul and Novi Grad that she realized just how liberating it had felt…and that she missed it.

Really, she was beginning to suspect that Nina's improving feelings—and even Rogers' shifting behaviour—were related in part to her own loosening hold over the projected reserve and impassivity she'd been hiding behind for most of her life.

Well, if that was what it took, Nadine wasn't about to object or complain. It felt good to do it, and not just because it was apparently having an effect on healing the damage her secrets had done.

That wasn't to say it wasn't difficult. It was not coming easily, and there were definitely times where it felt like it was far too difficult to override her long-ingrained instincts to hide away behind the masks the Red Room had forced her to develop. Those days people gave her a wide berth in the halls if she was out and about. But that didn't bother her. Part of her was still adamant on keeping herself closed off, after all. It was safe and it was familiar to hide herself away.

Opening herself up to others was very much not.

In that Natasha was an invaluable ally. Having gone through the process of retraining herself to open up around others, especially those she cared about, her patience and encouragement had thus far kept Nadine from regressing too much whenever her Red Room training tried to reassert itself. Not to mention how effective Natasha's periodic bouts of her self-proclaimed tough love had proven. Her sister certainly wasn't afraid to tell it like it was, that was for sure. More than once she'd pointed out when Nadine was reverting, not letting up until she'd dropped her mask and shared what she was really thinking. Just the week before, Natasha had let her have it when Nadine had effectively gone cold, as her sister had put it, at one of Stark's quips about needing to bring in a babysitter with 'all the kids running around,' shutting him down with a cool comment about her daughter being none of his concern and certainly not a child anymore.

"It was a joke, Nadine," Natasha had seethed, "and you know it. You know he knows what happened to her, right down to her fighting back. And after knowing she'd been kidnapped? After Sokovia? Hell, after the HYDRA fiasco with S.H.I.E.L.D.? After seeing this place? You know Stark wouldn't even consider bringing anyone in to work with Nina or the Twins without vetting them in every way known to man. He's almost as paranoid as I am, as you are!

"I know you don't trust easily," she'd said then, the irritation in her voice fading to an almost pleading resignation, "and I know you're not ready to trust them yet. But please, at least trust me. This is my Team. I trust them with my life, and I'd trust them with Nina's in a heartbeat. You have to know that means something."

Nadine had seethed right back, walking away from her sister without a word. But once her own temper had cooled, she hadn't been able to help but admit Natasha had been right. She might not trust the Team—yet a little part of her insisted—but she did trust Natasha. So she had promised to try, Natasha promptly pulling her into a tight, relieved hug when Nadine had apologized and said as much. And Nadine had clung to Natasha right back.

"One of these days you'll stop forgetting you're not alone, anymore," her little sister had admonished gently, her voice wavering.

It was a reminder Nadine had sorely needed, and would likely continue to need for a long time to come.

But it was hard. Nadine had no idea how her little sister had managed to break that part of her training on her own. Natasha had simply laughed at the observation.

"Years," had been her response, her eyes still sparkling with mirth despite the shadows behind them when she'd finally been able to speak again. "Years and years and a lot of trial and error. Not to mention a great deal of patience, understanding and a little of the same tough love from Clint and Laura and even Fury, so I wasn't exactly alone, either. And trust," she'd added sedately, her mirth fading into earnestness. "I had to learn to trust. And that was probably the hardest part of all."

Well, Nadine could understand that.

Regardless of how quickly she seemed to be working past her hang up on letting herself open up around others, she knew it was likely to take just as long for her as it had for Natasha. Especially when it came to the 'trust' angle.

It really didn't help that she'd spent so long pretending to be open; a necessity in maintaining a somewhat 'normal' life when she hadn't been working as the Ghost. Especially when it came to raising Nina. With each passing day, she was coming to realize just how much of herself she'd been hiding away even around her daughter. Seeing the genuine surprise on Nina's face when she bickered fondly with Natasha or taunted Stark or smiled with Thor and Rogers never failed to sting. It was disheartening to realize Nina had never seen her like that with anyone but her. All because she'd had to work so hard to keep her secrets and her secret life as the Ghost safely hidden away…all because she'd been so focused on keeping Nina safe from her world.

It also didn't help that she was beginning to grow restless, thus straining her patience with herself further. In the past, whenever that happened, she simply took on another contract. Now? Well, she had been serious when she'd told Fury she had every intention of closing up shop. While waiting for Nina to recover, in addition to planning her next moves, she'd begun shutting down her operation as the Ghost. She had no intention of ever taking another contract.

But without the distraction the hunt gave her? The thrill that came from running her target to ground? The outlet it provided?

It left her mind free to start dwelling on things she'd rather not think about. And just now? Given the all the memories she'd been forced to dredge up since she'd first been given the contract on her little sister?

It left her thinking a lot about her past.

But also on just what she wanted going forward; a series of thoughts Steve's pointed question had made all the more persistent.

It was something Natasha seemed to pick up on as she approached.

"So are you going to stick around?" Nadine glanced up to her sister. She was standing at the kitchenette in the Compound's common area, nursing a cup of coffee as her mind worked over and over through potential courses and thoughts and memories she hadn't allowed herself to contemplate in years. Shifting over, she made room for Natasha on the stretch of counter she was leaning against. As the redhead peered at the coffee in the carafe not far away—and, on deciding it was fresh enough, pouring herself a cup—Nadine shrugged, her fingers absently tracing the handle of her own mug.

"Talked to Rogers, did you?" Nadine said dryly. Natasha's lips twitched as she suppressed a sly grin. Nadine hesitated before actually answering, holding back a weary sigh. "I haven't decided yet. There are a lot of factors to consider." Taking a sip from her mug, Natasha leaned against the counter next to her, humming faintly in both acknowledgement of Nadine's response and satisfaction that the coffee was acceptable.

"Such as?" Nadine nearly rolled her eyes. Yet again, her sister was forgoing subtlety, it seemed. But Nadine was willing to play along. For the moment.

"First off, our home is in Vienna; Nina goes to school there and I have the Studio." Natasha glanced at Nadine, her expression enough in lieu of words: what home? They both knew perfectly well that Ultron had dumped almost all of Nadine's covers to Interpol among another couple dozen worldwide agencies.

What Natasha didn't know was that Nadine had already looked into the extent of the fallout; all her assets as 'Nadine Ryker' had already been seized or were under surveillance and she and Nina both had been flagged; her for arrest, Nina as a person of interest. There really was nothing for her and Nina to go back to, and trying would be pointless, if not outright dangerous. While that didn't exactly hurt Nadine's feeling if she was being honest, she wasn't quite so sure about Nina. She'd had friends—though admittedly not particularly close ones; Nina had never even invited any of them home—and a life in Vienna. But she'd also been mere weeks away from graduating high school and had been waiting to hear back on her university applications. Further, Nina had never seemed quite so…attached the way other teenagers often were to her life there. She had yet to even mention Vienna since coming to the Compound, really. But that wasn't to say the idea of never going back couldn't potentially hit her hard once it sunk in; she'd already experienced so much upheaval…lost so much. But at the same time… Nadine couldn't say Nina seemed all that eager to go back to their simple life in Vienna either.

After all, none of the schools Nina had applied to had even been in Austria, much less Vienna. Some were as far away as the States, if Nadine remembered correctly. She was pretty sure Nina had even applied to MIT and Caltech. So leaving Vienna she would likely be okay with…but university… Nadine bit back a groan at the reminder. That would be a great deal of work to manage now that their covers were shot. If Nina even still wanted to go off to school…

But if that was what Nina wanted? Nadine and her secrets had already disrupted her daughter's life enough. She would make it happen.

Still, she couldn't help but cede that Natasha had a point before moving on.

"My Workshop is there; all my equipment, my assets—"

"What, only one? No bolt holes?" Nadine spared her sister an aggravated look. Her green eyes were sparkling with amusement. Natasha was enjoying this far too much.

"Of course I have those too, lisichka—all over the Europe and even a couple here. I'm no amateur," she said with indignation. "But I only have one primary operations base. One that I've put a lot of time, effort and money into." Natasha shrugged, granting Nadine a reluctant point. "Plus, all my work toward finding him is there," she added soberly.

"So go collect it all and bring it here," Natasha countered with a purposefully light tone, complete with a correspondingly dismissive gesture as she raised her mug to her lips for another sip, "you'll need it anyway unless you want to start from scratch…though, that's not always a bad idea," she added with showy thoughtfulness, "you never know what you might pick up that you missed the first time around. Besides, it'll be a lot easier to just work from one location, and our assets are here; you'd have to keep bouncing back and forth if you choose to set up elsewhere." Nadine nearly grumbled. This was why she was having such trouble with this decision; Natasha was voicing every argument and counter-argument she herself was coming up with.

And Natasha knew it.

Because, at the end of the day, Nadine found that she didn't actually want to leave. Not anymore. Not when she could feel the potential to belong here.

It was an intoxicating, seductive feeling.

But she pushed it aside. There was one very good reason she could think of why it wasn't feasible no matter how much she might want it. And that wasn't even counting the argument she'd made to Steve; she knew Natasha wouldn't buy that one for a minute, no matter how true Nadine believed it was in her case. No, there was one other good reason.

"Then there's the question of whether or not your teammates would even be open to me sticking around," she pointed out with finality and a poorly hidden trace of reluctance. Natasha actually had the audacity to raise a skeptical eyebrow at her.

"And why wouldn't they? Steve wouldn't have brought it up if he wasn't okay with it, and you know it. Besides, you're practically part of the Team already after the Ultron thing, ah—" she held up a silencing hand even as Nadine's mouth opened to object, "—it's true whether you like it or not. The only one against actually making it official and calling you an Avenger is you. Everyone else is just following your lead on that." Nadine bit back a scowl.

Natasha was right, after a fashion. But that didn't deter her argument to the contrary.

"Not only am I wanted by most international agencies at the moment, Natalia," she pointed out tersely, earning an eye-roll from her sister, "but I'm also retired," she added, her voice turning soft and nearly plaintive…and notably without conviction. Natasha bit back a fondly exasperated grin, hiding it behind her mug. They both knew it was a hollow statement; what they were wasn't something either of them could just turn off. She may not be taking contracts anymore, but Nadine would never stop being the Ghost.

"That doesn't mean you have to leave," Natasha said diplomatically instead. Nadine twisted to set her long empty mug on the counter, her arms folding across her chest as her gaze fell to the ground. Why was she so conflicted over this? It should be a simple decision. Did she want to stay? As contrary to everything she was as it seemed, the short answer was yes…it was the long answer she was getting caught up on. Her habits and experience said no. Her assessment of what would be safest for Nina said there were pros and cons aplenty either way.

"You should stay," Natasha said gently, bumping her shoulder lightly against Nadine. The blonde assassin sighed.

"Natasha…"

"Besides," Natasha added, her vibrant eyes glinting mischievously, "I think Nina would like to." Nadine glared at her little sister. Natasha grinned triumphantly, knowing full well that Nina was Nadine's weak spot. She groaned in frustration, part of her hating that the argument wasn't even worth having since she knew very well that Natasha would win now that Nina had been brought into it. The only reason she'd stayed as long as she had was Nina; first she'd needed to heal…second, as much as Nadine didn't want Nina to get caught up in this world and as much as Nadine wondered if Nina would ever feel that she belonged in it, she was just as reluctant to take her away from those she'd come to care about so soon.

Turning her gaze pointedly away from her rather smug little sister, Nadine caught sight of Nina and the Maximoff Twins sitting together, talking quietly across the Avenger's private common area within the Compound. She looked…well, not quite happy, not with what she was still struggling to process about her own life, but content. Comfortable. At ease. Loath as she might be to admit it considering their history, the Twins were good for Nina. They'd listened when she needed someone to listen, given her space when she needed the time alone and had been more than happy to provide distraction when Nina had needed to get out of her own head for a time. Even the task of making herself available to listen to the Twins—especially Wanda—when they'd begun to open up, needing to talk about what they'd been through had seemed to help her daughter on her own road to recovery. Helping herself heal by helping them, as it were. And since the Twins had already chosen to stick around…

It was then that the Maximoff girl glanced up to her, meeting Nadine's gaze with an unreadable look.

It was clear that Wanda Maximoff was still reeling, only just beginning to recover emotionally the way her brother was physically. Nadine could see that clear as day. It was like there was a shadow lingering over the girl. A morose, gnawing feeling of guilt and remorse and—perhaps hardest for the girl to reconcile—a feeling of relief. It left her feeling detached from the world around her. Like she was out of place. Thanks to everything she had done and experienced throughout the Ultron Fiasco—be it her hand in his creation, to becoming his ally, to believing her Twin had been killed by the robot for however short a time—there was a lot that she was going to have to learn to live with. And she was struggling. That was clearly visible in her veiled blue-green eyes. And no amount of reassurance from her twin could seem to ease it; Nadine imagined that small reality troubled her almost as much as everything else did.

Nadine knew the feeling. Though, in some ways, the shadows in her own past paled in comparison to what Wanda was facing.

And they both knew it. Which was why Nadine had decided to leave her be just as she was with Nina despite the slowly growing urge to try and help the girl who was helping her daughter. She knew that little of what she could say would actually help, and that Wanda wasn't ready to hear what little she could offer—the hard truth that the guilt never went away, and the realization that one just had to accept that, to keep it from taking over.

Nadine knew Wanda had some idea what shadows lay in her past. She could see it in the fearful yet nearly pitying way the girl sometimes looked at her. She'd seen the ghosts of the Red Room in Nadine and Natasha's heads. She'd seen some of the spectres that haunted Nadine's conscience. Nadine knew she had. Not that she seemed to have sought out the memories. Nadine rather doubted Wanda had actively dug through her thoughts and memories to see what she suspected the girl had seen. Judging by the stricken, even apologetic looks she'd caught from the girl and the guilt that surfaced in her eyes when Nadine suspected she'd picked up another glimpse of her mind, it was—for the most part—inadvertently done; her control weakened by stress and guilt and an aimless sense of purpose.

Well, no matter the history she had with the Twins— noble intentions or not, they had taken her daughter, after all, and that still bothered Nadine, while she had threatened them both in turn—she couldn't help but feel some measure of sympathy for the girl. No one that age should have to shoulder the burdens she now carried.

That Nadine certainly knew intimately.

But Nadine also knew that one of the best ways to start working past one's demons was to find a purpose and, through that purpose, find a measure of distraction and sometimes even closure. At the very least a way to put her demons to use. Helping Nina work through her troubles was helping to some extent, but Wanda would need something…more. Rather like how Nadine had used caring for Nina in those earlier years to do much the same thing; Nina had been her path to moving past—even healing from, to some small extent—everything she'd gone through in the Red Room. And when that hadn't been enough? Well, The Ghost had helped there.

It was why Nadine had found herself coming back to one particular thought, one particular bit of unfinished business that she'd forced herself to ignore for years. A bit of closure that was now potentially attainable now that Nadine was no longer trapped under HYDRA's thumb.

And she was finding that she wanted to jump after it with both hands.

She glanced to her sister, eying her thoughtfully and earning a raised brow of interest in return. Inhaling deeply, she turned her gaze back to her daughter and her companions, her gaze once again finding the Maximoff girl even as ideas and plans began formulating in her mind. She had finally settled on what she wanted to do. Both the Sokovian girl and Nadine's sister looked to Nadine curiously, neither quite sure what to make of the cool, thoughtful look coming over the blonde assassin's face.

"If I'm going to even think about staying," she finally said quietly, glancing to her sister, "there's something I have to do first." Intrigued, Natasha turned to set her own recently emptied mug on the counter before settling her full attention on her sister. An almost fervent light had taken up residence in Nadine's grey gaze. When she spoke, her voice was low and all business.

"Do you know if Madame B is still alive?" Natasha glanced critically at Nadine before answering, her own gaze quickly turning thoughtful.

"I think so." A slow, cruel grin began to curve Nadine's lips, one that Natasha was soon mirroring.

"Good." As Nadine pushed off from the counter, there was no mistaking that the Ghost had woken. It was clear in her eyes as she turned back to her sister.

"Want to go hunting?" The wicked gleam that appeared in Natasha's sharp eyes was answer enough.

"Gladly."

A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed!

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