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~ Let us forget, with generosity, those who cannot love us ~

Whatever mask of calm exterior she held when reunited with that liar broke as soon as she was alone. The words of the old hag from the trading post were swirling in her head like a tornado. She had known! Weather Roan had told her the truth or she knew him from before was irrelevant. Someone else knew about his past, about him and still he never told Vivian any of it, never trusted her enough to.

She entered her room, barring the door behind her just as her world came crashing down on her. It was hard to breath, the walls closing in on her. Stop defining yourself as someone else's and be your own. She had been so stupid instead. Air was harder to inhale, short breaths all she could manage. She fell on her knees, suddenly very dizzy. Be your own.

Who even was she?

She was nobody.

She may have been someone once, belong somewhere, but not anymore. From the very start of her pathetic life, her story unfolded in tragedy, her parents floated one after another. Her time in the orphanage not much different, the kids there being incarcerated or floated soon after they were of age. On the ground, she proved to be most incapable, requiring the help of a stranger to survive and later finding out he lied the entire time about who he was.

The only other living being that had truly been on her side, died trying to cheer her up and take her mind off the damn grounder. Tears blurred her already fading vision. She gasped for air, but it still refused to get to her lungs.

She had no one, no family, no friends and no people. The Skaikru didn't feel right, too many bad memories and little in common, despite the people in power seeming to want to make it work this time around. And she did not want to be associated with the lying grounders! Vivian hated everyone in that moment.

And mostly herself.

It was her own fault after all, all of it. She was some kind of bad luck charm to the people around her. And who would trust such a person? It was no wonder he never revealed who he truly was!

Promise me you'll survive. Chloe's angelic face pushed through the whirlwind in her mind, but her cheek was bloodstained, eyes glossy. Vivian took a long breath between the short gasps and pounded her fists in the hard floor. Just live for me too, okay? She had been smiling till the very end, even with a damn arrow poking through her stomach! And here Vivian was, having a meltdown because some guy turned out to be a colossal ass.

It took her a while to calm down, breathing coming back in waves. She crawled to the nearest wall and just sat there, back resting against the cold surface, letting her thoughts meld into nothing. It wasn't worth it, he wasn't worth her tears and pain. But she was tired, the little energy she had left after the search seeping out through every pore. When a knock came on the door she barely even registered it.

"Vivian, it's Octavia."

"I just want to be alone right now. I'll see you tomorrow." She heard the other girl give a reluctant response, but couldn't focus enough on that. Climbing in bed, she wrapped the blanket close to her, tears threatening to burst again. But maybe it was okay to be pitiful for just one night.

The next day she was woken by loud banging on her door. The sun was higher than she expected, probably already noon and her first assumption was that one of the skaikru, most likely Octavia, was worried about her. A guard's voice came through though.

"The Commander wished to speak with you!" Vivian jumped from bed instantly, combing her hair with her fingers. She wasn't exactly sure why she was freaking out so badly, the commander was on their side and from what Octavia was gossiping with her, blindly in love with Clarke. Still, she had no clue as to what the woman could want with her of all people. She opened the door hastily, doing a weird little bow as she entered, guards pulling the door shut behind her.

"Commander."

"It has come to my attention that you are quite important to the Ice Nation prince." Vivian felt her heart drop in her stomach, the statement hitting her like a punch to the gut. She tried to remain unaffected, but her brows furrowed and she didn't seem able to relax her face no matter how hard she tried. Roan always said he loved how hard it was for her to hide her feelings...

"You were misinformed, commander. I want nothing to do with him."

"That doesn't make you any less important to him, does it?" Vivian took a step back, the cold words hitting her with some hidden meaning she didn't quite grasp.

"I don't think I understand…"

"You have already done the hard part, melted that bastard's heart somehow." She had a faraway look for a moment, her next words so low they might might not have been meant to be said out loud. "But I guess even the coldest of hearts meet their match eventually."

"Look, commander, I-"

"You know he wanted to go back after you?" Sharp eyes turned on her and Vivian thought the black hue surrounding them was strategically used to enhance her glare. She prowled closer to Vivian, circling her slowly as she spoke. "He pleaded for me to allow it; the once proud prince of Azgheda begging for a woman. I never thought I'd see the day."

"It changes nothing!" The commander smiled and Vivian felt like she was being played.

"Does it really not? Are you also not in love with him? Were you just playing him all along?"

"What? No, how can you say that?"

"People make mistakes, Vivian kom Skaikru." She stopped right in front of her, her eyes so close and so sharp they seemed to look into her very soul. "You have to understand he was raised to one day be the ruler of his people, by one bloodthirsty and ruthless mother nevertheless. And he may have been tempted momentarily to reclaim what he once lost, but I'm sure he regrets that deeply now."

"What do you want from me? I can not just forgive him!"

"I only ask you speak with him."

"I will not forgive him!" The commander's face softened, her hand caressing her check like a mother would a child, but somehow Vivian found she didn't mind it as much as she thought she would. There was just something… old about her, in those eyes.

"Yet." For a moment, she wanted to rebel, tell her she'd never let that bastard into her life again, but the thought made her feel like even more of a child. Instead she ignored her last comment and thought about her request. As strong as she wanted to appear, Vivian was not sure she could face Roan just yet,without either bursting into tears or trying to murder him.

"I'll talk to him. Eventually."

"Don't take your sweet time, Vivian. War is near and Queen Nia is resourceful. I'll be placing guards at your door and I suggest you don't wander alone too much."

"Understood, commander."

The woman nodded and strode to the door, power and confidence rolling off of her. Vivian wondered is she could ever, will ever, be anything close to that. Unmoving and unbent. Before she opened the door she took one last look towards her.

"I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't sure he truly cared about you." Vivian could only nod, her resolve to be as strong already wavering, tears appearing in the corner of her eyes. How did people like Lexa come to be? Were they just born strong or made that way through hardship? Was is because she was a leader?

Octavia came shortly after the commander left, not letting Vivian think for a second. The girl had been coming her way when she saw Lexa entering and had a billion questions, both about the leader of the grounders and about the newfound information that Prince Roan was her Roan. Apparently word was getting out the ice nation heir had some kind of history with a sky girl.

They decided to grab lunch to go, not wanting to risk bumping into any ice nation and just eat outside the city. Octavia reinforced the commander's worry that she might become a target and took extra care they weren't followed. They ate in relative silence, only Vivian complaining between a few bites about the blasted grounder and his commander, the other girl listening with care.

"What are you going to do?"

"I really don't know. What do you think?"

"I think enough people are trying to influence your decisions already. It was a shitty move, even for Lexa, to try and spring this war on you. You should do what you think it's best for you, nothing more, nothing less."

"Even if it means war?"

"Especially if you'd only do it to prevent one."

"Thanks O." She hugged the girl tightly, felling just a little better, never realizing until that moment how much she needed that hug. They packed their things and headed back to Polis, Octavia joining her until they reached her guarded door. Vivian wondered if they stood there all day like sentinels? Couldn't they maybe sit or did they change guards quickly? It felt silly they were needed there at all. But as she entered her room, she also realized they were rather useless.

Her room was packed full with small flowers, looking something akin to water lilies, but with more faded colors, like a page in a book that once white but colored with time, a dusted pink. And sitting on the edge of her bed was the queen of the Ice Nation herself.

"So you are the insolent sky girl I've been hearing so much about." Vivian froze. She was not tired physically, but mentally she had had a couple of very stressful days and her mind just didn't seem to understand how this was happening. The queen was on her bed, why? What was with all the flowers? Some twisted way of murdering her in style? The older woman followed her eyes to the flowers and her smiled dimmed a little, disgust dragging on the corners of her mouth. "Ah, snow lilies. He went all the way to the border for them, my son. They're rather rare, spent the whole night gathering these." She plucked one flower from the sheet besides her and turned it between fingers before crushing it in her hand. "In Azgheda they're a way of showing devotion. Pretty pathetic if you ask me."

"Can I help you with anything?"

"As a matter of fact, you can." She got up from the bed faster than Vivian thought possible and grabbed her chin, lifting her head to meet her cold eyes, Roan's eyes. "You could turn my idiot son down when you see him next, because apparently he won't listen to reason from any of us." She let go, pushing her head a little to the side as she did so and strode back into the room, trampling the flowers on her way. Arms crossed and facing the balcony, the woman was rather beautiful, in an authentic Evil Queen kind of way. Her face was adorned with the same type of crescent scars she was painfully familiar with. She exuded the same kind of confidence the commander had, a cold force of nature. And she was in her room.

"I already told him we have nothing more to discuss."

"If any of this" She made a gesture to the flowers scattered in every corner "is indication enough, he's very stubborn."

"And I am very hurt."

"Ah, but you're young and in love and utterly unpredictable." Her voice was rather soft, yet somehow still laced with venom. It made Vivian recall some of the awful stories he'd shared about her and she was reminded that this woman, his mother, was the one who killed his friends in front of him and asked for him to be banished. The solitary question of what happened to his father came to mind, but she kind of doubted he had a pretty fate.

"Why not just kill me then? You'd even get your little war." She wasn't sure where all this courage was coming from, if it was courage at all. She just wanted to be done with all of it, with Roan and her people and the stupid games of the grounders. She never wanted any part in it.

"Oh, I can see why he's smitten with you. But I'm afraid you don't understand the politics behind our culture nor the bigger things at play." Vivian waited for her explain further, but the woman just flashed her a cruel smile. "All you need to know, little girl, is that our people will never accept someone as weak as you into our fold, much less as their future queen. You will be hated and shunned out along with my son, if not killed outright. They are already calling him names behind his back, saying exile had made him soft. He cannot afford to be associated with skaikru."

"You're the reason he was banished though, are you not?" The queen's eyes narrowed and for a brief moment Vivian thought she had angered her enough to end her and for a moment, she didn't care. It scared her a bit, the thought that whether she lived or died it that very second could leave her so cold. She blamed most of it on the fatigue, wishing for nothing more than to rest her eyes. But the queen picked one more flower from the table instead and walked past her towards the door. She was finally going to be alone!

"Don't think just because you're still alive I won't do what's necessary. If you're smart enough, you'll do what's best for you and walk away from all of this." She left Vivian alone with her thoughts for the first time since the commander barged into her room earlier that day. Her resolved flickered and changed countless times in the spawn of only a few minutes, from talking to him, to turning him down, to just leaving and becoming a hermit in some mountain region. She was mentally spent and done with people telling her what was best and lying to her face. She actually considered leaving all of it behind, just pack the few things she owned and never looking back on this crazy conflict she somehow found herself in the middle of.

In the end she was just too tired to do anything and just crawled in bed, hoping the new day would bring some clarity. But knowing it would not.

So here we are almost 2 years later... Can't believe i wrote the last chapter while still in uni _ feels like a lifetime ago

Is anyone still reading this? :))

Anyways, I was getting into new fandoms and felt so guilty for never finishing this despite only a few chapters being left... kinda wanted to write them and post them all at once, but I'll just post them as I finish them.

That being said, it's been a while since I saw the show and my terminology is rusty, please don't at me :))

So, 6 chapters left and then maybe, MAYBE, one of two snippets of their life after the... was it a 8 year time skip? or just 5? I'll have to look that up. But like yeah, where they are after the time jump, the impact it would have for Roan to be still alive as ruler of the ice nation and whatever Season 6 throws at us.

I'm kinda excited about the new season and the new planet thing, what about you guys?

Anyways, thank you for all your kind messages during my extended absence 3 Hope you're all doing well