Chapter 19

London, England

Spring 2016

Honestly, Nadine was still surprised that Steve had looked genuinely…grateful wasn't quite the right word. He'd also been surprised and even relieved, if she could believe her own assessment, to see her sitting next to Sam as he returned to his seat having fulfilled the first part of his duty as one of Peggy Carter's pallbearers.

She hadn't expected that. Not exactly. She'd expected perhaps a measure of gratitude, of course, but nothing like the mix of emotions surfacing amid the absolutely gutted expression she'd seen on his face as he'd helped carry Peggy into the church.

And she hadn't been able help but lay her hand on the back of his shoulder as he'd taken his seat next to her, needing to at least try and offer some measure of unspoken comfort. She hoped it helped. The tiny smile he'd spared her as the priest had stepped forward to start the service seemed to indicate as much.

After their long moments in the stairwell, Steve had excused himself for some understandable time alone. It had been nearly a day before he had re-emerged from his solitude, approaching Nadine and Sam in her workroom as they'd been strategizing and debating over the best safehouses to investigate next.

It had actually hurt to hear him so casually suggest that, if Sam came with, the two of them could investigate the defunct safehouse Nadine had flagged in London in nearly the same breath that he'd brought up being asked to serve as a pallbearer during the funeral. Her own breath had actually hitched and, once Steve had again retreated to make arrangements, Sam had met her gaze with a distinctly troubled look. Nadine had only been able to sigh sadly. Instinctively, she'd known without even having to draw on her long-ingrained skills to deduce what he'd really wanted almost the instant he'd suggested Sam should come with.

He hadn't wanted to be alone.

And, bewilderingly, it had stung a little that he'd immediately turned to Sam. Not that she couldn't understand the logic just as she knew her involuntary reaction was irrational. Not only was he the reasonable choice in that Sam wasn't wanted around the world, but the former paratrooper was arguably Steve's closest friend besides Natasha. It had been little surprise that Sam had immediately agreed to Steve's suggestion—though, it had been perfectly clear Sam intended to go along had he been invited or not, Nadine remembered with a small smile.

Then Steve had looked to Nadine.

And the sting of rejection had promptly shifted to one of shame at the distinctly apologetic gleam in his eyes.

She looked up to Steve as they all resumed their seats as the last strains of the opening hymn fell silent. And her heart broke for him. He looked absolutely devastated for all that he looked resigned. His jaw was tense, his eyes were dull and red and it was all Nadine could do not to reach out to him again.

She still couldn't quite rationalize why she'd felt so strongly that she needed to come. Just like she couldn't quite make sense of why Steve had been so pleased to see her. Natasha she might have understood. She was Steve's closest friend—arguably closer even than Sam was—and had been for a while now.

Not to mention her little sister was better at this sort of thing.

Yet it was Natasha who was sitting tucked off at the back of the sanctuary, there having been only enough room left for one of them to join Steve and Sam up near the front.

And here she was, sitting next to Steve as the Priest led the assembled mourners in remembrance and prayer that opened the funeral service.

Not that she wanted to be anywhere else.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. She felt distinctly out of place, like she didn't entirely belong among the people assembled to grieve for someone they'd known and loved. She hadn't known Peggy Carter. She respected and even admired what she'd heard of the woman, but she felt like an outsider. An observer only. She didn't even have the distinction of being a former agent of the organization Peggy had helped found…quite the opposite, if fact, if one was being technical. Nadine didn't belong. She had no emotional connection to the woman.

Save through Steve. She was there for Steve. Though she felt odd for her presence when it came to Ms. Carter, when it came to Steve? She was where she felt she needed to be.

She might have herself—mostly—convinced that there was no reasonable hope for a future or anything more than friendship between them—or so she was still working on, limited as her success was proving—but that didn't mean she didn't still care for him. There was no way in hell she wouldn't be there if he needed her to be. Even if he hadn't been there for her, she cared about him too much to let him go through something as painful as this alone. She knew all too well how much harder everything was alone.

Steve had been one of the ones to help her realize that.

It was a nice enough service, though admittedly Nadine wasn't paying as much attention as she probably should be. Not subtly watching Steve out of the corner of her eye as she was. He barely looked up, listening even as he stared sightlessly at the hymnal in front of him where it was tucked into its niche.

And she warred with herself if it would be overstepping to reach out and take his hand. It would just be to provide comfort, so there shouldn't be any harm, right?

But it was a liberty she shouldn't take another part of her warned. It warned that, while she considered him a friend and he her, that did not mean it was appropriate to just grab at him, even if the aim was to provide comfort.

She was so focused on Steve and her own internal battle that she nearly started when Sam nudged her just hard enough that her shoulder bumped Steve's. Nearly.

Frowning, she glanced to Steve as he looked to her, his own brow creasing slightly before they both looked to Sam.

And Sam nodded subtly up to the pulpit, where Ms Carter's niece—great-niece? She looked too young to be just a niece—Sharon Carter was starting off the eulogies.

Nadine's frown deepened, not understanding why Sam felt the need to direct Steve's attention to the young woman collecting herself to start speaking. At least until Steve stiffened in surprise next to her.

Glancing back to the Captain, she understood. She could see it written clearly on his face. He knew her. And he hadn't expected to see her.

And as Nadine noticed the way Steve was looking up at Sharon, she was suddenly painfully aware of an unsettled, constricting pressure deep in her chest. A feeling that felt uncomfortably like disappointment and dismay.

It took another moment and her jaw involuntarily tensing as Sharon Carter met Steve's eye and smiled subtly at him that Nadine recognized what it was.

Jealousy.

And she was immediately scolding herself for the reaction, firmly fighting it back.

Of all the ridiculous, inappropriate—ill-timed—juvenile reactions to have…she had no claim over him, so what right did she have to be jealous? What business was it of hers that Sharon Carter was obviously interested, or that there were traces of a mutual interest in the man sitting next to her.

Worse was the thread of longing tied into the uncomfortable dejected feeling trying to grow in her, tugging at it and her both.

Steve was not hers, she reminded herself harshly, and he was perfectly free to show interest in another woman. He deserved to have someone.

It took far more effort than she would've liked to keep her hands from fisting and her breathing steady. And that wasn't even counting the effort it took to ignore the irrational impulse to storm up there and make sure the other blonde understood in no uncertain terms that Steve was off-limits, the idea proving far more distracting than she was comfortable with.

Not to mention how embarrassing it felt to know the faint prickling she felt behind her eyes meant what it did, no matter how she pointedly willed away the irritable sensation.

It hurt to realize that another woman was free to go after him where she was not…just like he was free to pursue other women…she shoved the thoughts unceremoniously away.

Instead, she forced herself to ignore the intent way Steve listened and watched the pretty blonde as she spoke, instead turning her focus to what Sharon Carter was saying…even if Sharon was looking to Steve more than almost anyone else in the assembled crowd filling the church.

But as the former S.H.I.E.L.D. agent's eulogy continued, the feeling faded in the face of the pain and sorrow that soon shadowed Steve's normally open features once more, his face veiled and pensive.

She couldn't help herself any longer.

She reached out and took his hand.

And a measure of relief warmed in her chest and the irritating jealous sensation faded when some of the tension left his shoulders and he gripped her fingers firmly back, all but clinging to the silent comfort she offered.

And despite herself, Nadine found herself drawn into what the younger woman was saying, the feeling of Steve's fingers curled around hers soothing in a way she knew it shouldn't have been. Not if she had been as successful in banishing her traitorous feelings for the man as she'd been convincing herself she had been.

Not to mention the faint—and embarrassing, considering the lack of self-control it indicated—feeling of pleased satisfaction that fluttered in her chest when she noticed Sharon Carter had caught sight of their joined hands.

That aside, what the younger woman was saying was nevertheless compelling, and even after she stepped down to make way for the eulogies that followed, regardless of the way a corner of her mind still watched Steve, Nadine's found herself contemplating the words of advice Peggy had passed on to her niece.

Compromise where you can. But where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right. Even if the whole world is telling you to move... it is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in they eye and say 'No, you move.'

Nadine had never been one to weigh her actions by what was right or wrong. Conviction had been a luxury she hadn't been able to afford for most of her life. Not that she didn't have her moments. She supposed her devotion to her daughter could count, but that felt…different, somehow. Devotion to another person's health and happiness was something else altogether. It wasn't the quite same as believing in a code and sticking to that belief come what may.

Though, there were parallels, she supposed.

Feeling the way Steve's hand unconsciously flexed minutely beneath hers or noticing the way his eyes had brightened in contemplation at the younger Ms Carter's words, she just knew the advice from his lost love resonated with him. And she supposed, on some level, they resonated with her too. They left her thoughtful and feeling peculiarly deficient yet determined at the same time.

It was a strange feeling.

Certainly something unpack at length another time.

There was no denying the younger Ms Carter was every bit as strongly principled and clever as her Aunt Peggy was said to have been. Or that she very much admired her Aunt and intended to make her and her legacy proud. It was clear in every word she spoke

It was admirable…much to Nadine's private chagrin. A small, petty part of her had just wanted to dislike the younger woman.

Nadine had never had that. Never had someone she looked up to the way Sharon Carter admired her Aunt.

She wondered what it was like…she wondered how her life might have been different had she had someone like Peggy Carter in her life to look up to the way Sharon had. Someone to believe in her, to guide her, to support her.

To love her.

A maternal figure.

And, as the funeral progressed and next to her Steve grieved for his lost love and the life he might have had, Nadine found herself grieving for the beloved mentor she'd never had.

All the while taking comfort in the warmth of Steve's hand in her own, her thumb unconsciously brushing over his knuckles as she listened with half an ear to the rest of the service.

She only let go as the priest intoned the final blessing and gestured for the pallbearers to rise and once more take up the flag-draped casket for its final journey on to the cemetery.

It was a loss she was acutely aware of.

With the service over, the church emptied with little in the way of urgency. The reception wasn't due to officially begin until the family returned from the interment, so the rest of the gathered mourners gathered in the narthex to mingle. And as the funeral had been well attended, the crush quickly became nearly too much, people exiting the sanctuary much quicker than they exited the church proper.

And before Nadine knew it, in her attempt to track down her sister, she was separated from Sam, the mingling mourners pulling them in different directions.

So it was that Nadine found herself nestled off to the side part way up the steps that led to the sanctuary, her keen eyes surveying the crowd for her companions.

It wasn't hard to pick Steve out as he re-entered the narthex despite the growing press of the gathered mourners. Nor was it difficult to track his path as he carefully edged his way through the crush of people.

Only to grin with bemusement as a pair of older gentlemen—former agents, judging by their bearing—waylaid the Captain. Undoubtedly former associates of Peggy's, she mused, possibly even agents trained by Peggy, judging by their ages. Likely wanting to meet the legendary soldier their mentor had worked with during the War, to hear what she'd been like as a young SSR agent.

Or maybe they just wanted to meet the famous Captain they'd idolized as children; they certainly looked the right age.

With an eye still on Steve, she resumed her search for Natasha. She knew her sister was going to have to leave soon if she wanted to make it to Vienna in time for the Ratification of the Accords, but she also knew her sister wanted to see Steve before she left. Now that Nadine knew where Steve was, making sure Nat found him was her next objective.

"Hey." Nadine turned at Sam's soft greeting, taking in the faintly concerned cast of his features. "Did you see him come back in?"

Nadine nodded. "Yeah, he's over—" she turned back to where Steve had been stopped, catching sight of the two older gentlemen agents…but not Steve. She blinked for a moment in momentary surprise. For such a large man, Steve really was surprisingly stealthy. She hadn't even noticed him slip away.

It was no matter, though. His path before he'd been stopped had been clear enough. As had the expression on his stoic features.

He'd wanted some time alone.

"I'll find him," she assured Sam softly, brushing a hand against Sam's elbow in thanks as she edged past him. "I have an idea where he is."

Sure enough, as she'd suspected, Steve had made his way back into the sanctuary. And she hadn't been the only one to take note of his retreat, it seemed. As Nadine slipped through the elegantly glassed doors into the peaceful quiet of the sanctuary, she caught sight of her sister speaking quietly with Steve near the front pews. Even without having to edge close enough to hear what they were saying she had a feeling she knew what they were discussing. The grave, even resigned look on Steve's face coupled with the nearly apologetic yet determined expression on her sister's was more than enough.

The Accords. And likely who on the Team had signed.

Her suspicions were confirmed as Nadine edged further into the sanctuary, their murmured words carrying enough within the comparative silence of the room that she could hear some of what was being said even from several rows away and could fill in the rest.

Nadine sighed. It was a discussion she wasn't keen on getting drawn into again. Her sister and even Stark had already tried several more times to get her on board, both likely hoping that she could help influence Steve and the other holdouts. A flicker of annoyance at her sister emerged as she listened the partially indistinct murmurs passing between the two Avengers. This was not the right time for this. It was Steve's time to mourn and part of her couldn't quite believe her sister had brought the Accords up.

Unless, of course Steve had brought it up. She bit back another sigh. Of course he had. She really was slipping; there was nothing in Steve's body language to indicate he was defensive in a way that would suggest Natasha had pushed the topic. If anything, the cues she could see in him and in her sister suggested he was looking for a distraction and Natasha had been reluctant to give it at first before conceding. Well, talk about the Accords would certainly fulfill the criteria.

Natasha paused then, glancing briefly toward Nadine where she hung back to give them their space as Steve's head bowed in response to her offer to come with to Vienna. "Just because it's the path of least resistance doesn't mean it's the wrong path," Natasha said softly as she looked back to Steve, Nadine only just able to make out what she was saying from her spot near the back of the sanctuary. Nat smiled as she stepped closer to Steve, her expression faintly pleading and even desperate despite the almost unconcerned way she spoke, "staying together is more important than how we stay together." Nadine inhaled slowly, all annoyance with her sister fading. The Avengers were her sister's family. Of course Natasha would do whatever she thought would help keep her family together.

But for all that he looked suddenly remorseful, there was no denying what Steve's response would be. It was written in the way his jaw tensed as he looked away from Natasha. Nor did Natasha seem in the least surprised.

"What are we giving up to do it?" Steve asked gently in response, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Nat. I can't sign it."

Natasha grinned softly at how truly apologetic he sounded. "I know." There was no disappointment in her sister's voice. Just acceptance. Steve just watched her, not quite sure what to make of the admission or her reaction.

"Then what are you doing here?" he asked. Natasha's smile grew sad.

"I didn't want you to be alone," she offered softly, only to pause and glance toward Nadine again, "neither of us did," she added gently. A small, inadvertent smile tugged Steve's lip as he too glanced to Nadine. Nadine smiled back and, despite an equally strong instinct to keep giving them their space, Nadine finally gave in and began to edge toward them.

"Thank you, Nat," he said softly, a wealth of emotion in his voice as he looked back to her sister. Smiling softly with a sympathy too pure for words, Natasha reached out and pulled Steve into a tight hug. Nadine had to look away, emotion tremoring in her chest at the way Steve's jaw clenched as her sister drew him close or the way he clung to her as another wave of grief threatened to overwhelm him.

And she couldn't help but lay her own hand against his back as she came to stop beside them, adding her own gesture of comfort, ignoring the urge to pull him into a hug of her own, part of her insisting a mere touch wasn't enough.

But the look of pure gratitude and something else she couldn't quite place that flashed in his eyes as he looked to her once he and Natasha pulled apart said otherwise. As did the way he squeezed her fingers as her hand dropped to take his in silent support.

Straightening, Steve cleared his throat, looking back up toward the altar, his gaze distant as it fell on the portrait of Peggy.

"You should probably get going," he said softly, "I'll just be another minute." Easily understanding the unspoken plea, the sisters nodded and retreated back toward the exit, Nadine only pausing to spare Steve a concerned look before falling into step next to her sister.

A/N: Thanks for reading!

And we're almost at another milestone, lovelies! And everyone loves an excuse to post an early chapter. ;D

Including me. Especially me. I always love Celebrations. And Reviews. I'll be honest. They make my day. C:

So get those reviews in! We're SO CLOSE! The sooner we get there, the sooner I have a good reason to post another Chapter!

See you all next time!

Guest Reviews:

Guest: For sure. On paper, a great deal about the Accords seems reasonable, even necessary for everyone's sake. But in practice? Well…we saw in the movie how that turned out… And yes. It was a lovely, bittersweet little moment, wasn't it. :) Thanks for reviewing!

Jo: That's certainly Steve's fear, though not necessarily HYDRA specifically. I think HYDRA's pretty much wiped out at this point in the MCU, or at least, its influence is pretty close to nil. Ah…but not everyone was directly involved in the events of WS. Being told and experiencing are two different things altogether. I'm glad you enjoyed! AND YES! OH, MAN, WAS IT EVER INSANE AND AWESOME AND GAH! XD Thanks for reviewing!

Guest: Not quite how it's gonna play, but it is coming! As is Bucky and all the ensuing complications! :D Thanks for reviewing!

Qwerty: Umm…not really the most appropriate question…nor particularly important, really. But yes, I'm excited for them to get together too. C: I hope you're enjoying!