Chapter 17

Tim was almost hesitant as he walked up to the NCIS building. Now that Vance knew, it felt like there was a risk of everyone finding out at every single second. Vance was never someone he'd planned on telling. He did have plans to let his family know, to finally show them as he never had been able to show them before, but that would take some time to work out just so that he could do it once and then be done and to make sure that no one else there would find out. He knew that it wasn't really part of the selkies' plans to have him telling anyone other than those who knew already, but this was a necessity. In reality, he wasn't telling people who didn't already know (well, except for Vance). He was simply confirming what he'd already said.

"Are you ready, Tim?"

Tim looked back. Jimmy was just coming up the walk.

"Maybe."

Jimmy smiled.

"You can do it. No one thinks you're crazy this time."

"Right. Everything is just so complicated right now."

"But it's a good complicated."

"Is there such a thing?" Tim asked.

"Sure. Just look at any family. Family is always complicated, but it's usually good. Besides, hasn't your life always been a little complicated?"

"Well..." Tim stopped. Jimmy was right, of course. Ever since he'd lost his skin and tried to navigate a life on land, things had been complicated. He wasn't sure why the complications were so much more difficult now, but it was true.

"Hasn't it?" Jimmy asked again.

"Yeah, but it seems worse somehow."

"You said it yourself. You thought you were making things better, but it just got harder. That makes it seem worse, I'm sure."

"And Vance knows now."

"But he's letting you come back."

"For now."

"It's going to be fine, Tim. Don't worry about it so much."

Tim looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Hey, I've had a year to get over it," Jimmy said.

"I'm still sorry."

Jimmy actually smiled.

"You don't need to be. I've dealt with it. It's fine. Now. And this will be fine, too. You know that the others won't let you get fired."

"If Vance was determined..."

"Not even then. They'd find a way. You're here for good, Tim. That's the way it is. So let's go inside."

Tim appreciate the peptalk and the fact that Jimmy didn't inadvertently smack him on the back where it would really hurt. Tony probably would have without meaning to.

"Okay."

He took a deep breath and followed Jimmy into the building. Unlike the last time he'd returned to work after a time away recuperating, this time, Jimmy just rode with him to the bullpen level and then headed down to Autopsy. This time, there weren't any people staring at him in suspicion. Oh, he got a few looks since he'd been off work for a few weeks, but apparently everyone knew that he'd been injured because no one came over to ask where he'd been. A couple stopped by to welcome him back, but that was all.

By about noon, Tim was starting to feel the ache that said he was nearing his limit of productivity. He'd done his best, but he could honestly say that he didn't recommend getting bit by a seal...or even by a selkie in seal form. The wounds were plenty deep and very painful, especially now that the painkillers were wearing off.

Finally, Gibbs walked over.

"You okay?"

Tim wanted to say yes, to reestablish his presence, that he was supposed to be here and he was happy to be back, but he grimaced.

"Not now. I was."

"Okay. Go home."

"If I just had a little break, I could..."

"No, McGee. Go home." Then, he leaned over. "Your job will still be here. You're not losing it."

"What if Vance changes his mind?" Tim asked in a low voice.

"He won't. It's going to be fine. Go home. Come back tomorrow. Try again."

Tim sighed and nodded. He got up and couldn't suppress a wince as he pulled the still-healing muscles.

"See you tomorrow," Gibbs said.

No negotiation. Tim knew it, and he knew that he shouldn't even try. So he nodded once more and left the building.

"Hey, McGee!"

Tim paused and saw Tony running up behind him.

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Not great, but okay. Gibbs sent me home."

"First day back. You don't want to overdo it, right?"

"Yeah." Tim hesitated. "Hey...has anyone been... talking about me?"

Tony raised an eyebrow.

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, and no. People are asking what happened since you're obviously hurting, but I haven't heard anything about you being nuts."

Tim nodded.

"There's no reason for them to think that this time, Tim. Why are you thinking about it?"

"Because...it happened once." Tim took a breath. "Tony, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose this. That I'm going to have to choose, but that it'll be another impossible choice. What if it is?"

"It won't be," Tony said. "We won't let it happen. None of us. Tim... This is going to sound weird for me to say and I'm going to feel weird saying it, but it's like your dad said, you have a new herd. That's us. And we're going to make sure that you're happy and that you're in the best place you can be. No way are we going to let selkies be better at it than we are."

Tim smiled, but he also felt more than a little touched.

"Thanks, Tony. ...I'd hug you, but it would hurt too much."

"Well, that would be too mushy anyway," Tony said. "You need a ride home?"

"No. I'll be okay. I'll go home, take my pill, and give my back a rest."

"And give yourself a rest, too. No more worrying."

"I can't promise that, but I can promise to try," Tim said.

"Okay. I'll take that, but I think Ziva might still come to check on you tonight."

Tim smiled. "I think I can handle that."

Feeling unaccountably comforted, Tim did go home. He had lunch, took a pill and then went to sleep.

For the next few days, Tim gradually felt better, but Gibbs still wasn't letting him stay the whole day, and Tim had to admit that he wasn't really ready for it, either. It was hard to admit it, but it was true. He just couldn't quite handle all that work required yet. But it didn't stop him from doing as much as he could.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

It wasn't every day that Vance had extra time in the mornings. He usually had a full docket from the moment he got to work. However, this time he did, and he decided to make use of it.

He left his office and saw Tim already there and working. Gibbs was also there, of course, but Tony and Ziva hadn't arrived yet...or they were working somewhere else in the building. Either way, that meant fewer witnesses, less attention. Vance walked down the stairs and approached Tim's desk, ignoring Gibbs completely.

"Agent McGee, I'd like to speak with you. Outside."

Tim looked up and Vance could see the worry in his eyes. He knew why, but maybe this could help them both.

"Yes, Director."

Vance led Tim outside and to the edge of the Anacostia.

"What is it, Director?"

"Why does this job mean so much to you, Agent McGee?" Vance asked.

"I've worked here for over ten years, sir," Tim said. "I have friends here and..."

Vance waved his hand in the air.

"No. That's not it. If it was just about longevity, even if it was just about your friends, you wouldn't care so much. A year ago, you said that your life was here. Why?"

"I don't... I don't know if I can really explain it in words, sir."

"Was what you told me back then true?"

"Mostly, yes. I tried to tell you the truth...without giving you all of it. I lied by omission, but what I told you about my parents was true. They really did find me on the beach and take me in, but what led to me being on the beach was that my skin had been stolen."

"Okay. Then, why is it that NCIS is your life and not your family?"

"It's not that they aren't important to me, sir. They're part of why I stayed. I love them, and they loved me before I knew what love even meant. ...but NCIS..." Tim hesitated.

Vance could see that he really was trying to explain something that was probably difficult to articulate, but he needed to hear it, even if it wasn't particularly eloquent. Finally, Tim took a breath and let it out. Then, he looked away from Vance and stared at the river. Vance didn't know what Tim was seeing, but eye contact wasn't necessary. He had seen all he needed to see before.

"From the time my parents took me in, I struggled, sir," Tim said, finally. "I couldn't fathom living on land. I couldn't fathom feeling anything but pain, misery and longing. That was the life I felt I could look forward to. Gradually, my parents and my sister helped me to see more, but I still always felt the pain. The pain never went away, but sometimes, I could forget it. I could set it aside, and that mostly happened when I could focus on something else. When I joined NCIS, it was because I needed a connection to the sea. Somehow, I needed to be able to touch it. I wasn't looking for anything more than that when I started, but I found more. I found people who were willing to support me, who worried about me when things started going wrong. When we found Karie Martinson and I realized who she was, that she was the one who had stolen my seal skin all those years ago, I desperately wanted to get it back. I thought that nothing could stop me now. ...until I realized that I would have to give everyone and everything up that I'd had over my years on land. ...and I realized how much I did not want to do that. As strong as the pull to getting my skin was, the desire to stay here was actually stronger."

Tim paused for a long moment, and Vance was about to ask if he was done, but then, Tim turned to him, his expression was bleak.

"I was faced with an impossible choice. Find my seal skin and return to the sea, never to have any human life again, or destroy my last chance to be whole, to be without pain. And in that moment, I realized that it was worth it to feel pain and feel love on land instead of being whole and in the sea. So they destroyed my seal skin for me. I've never felt something like that before. I could never go through it again. It was like being burned alive. I never thought there was even a ghost of a chance that I'd get it back. No one had ever survived having their seal skin destroyed before. I gave up being whole for being loved," Tim said, earnestly. "I don't know if I can really help you understand how big that decision was for me. I guess it would be something like that guy who was forced to cut off his own arm in order to get back to his family. It was the love of his family that got him there, helped him survive. That's what I was doing, but it wasn't a limb, it was half of my existence."

That was a vivid comparison. Vance had read about the man who had been hiking and then been pinned to the ground by a large boulder on his arm. He had survived, but no one would have thought he could do what he did.

"And then... my skin grew back. And I thought that I could actually be whole and still have that love that I had grown to depend on, the one thing that had staved off my pain. That's why I hid it. I wanted to be here. I fought to be here, and my biggest fear is that I'll still lose it, that I'll be whole and yet still lose all that I've gained over the years simply because I'm different."

Vance nodded and it was his turn to look away, to look at the river and gather his thoughts.

"Sir, there's nothing more I can tell you that would explain any better, but words aren't enough to convey how much I want to stay here, be with my friends, be with my family, and yet still be myself."

Finally, Vance turned back to Tim.

"Agent McGee, I can't promise that I won't be thinking of you differently. What you told me and shown me are not anywhere in my realm of experience and I'm afraid that it will take time, a lot of time, for me to fully accept knowing what you are. That being said, however, I also can't ignore what you've done during your tenure here, and I can't ignore what you've told me. You've said how much you want to be here, and quite frankly, we need people who are committed to the job."

"You're not going to change your mind, sir?"

"No. Just be aware that I may look at you differently for a while. It will take time."

"Yes, sir. I understand that much. Thank you," Tim said fervently.

"You're welcome. Now, get back to work, and please, don't make me regret doing this."

Tim smiled. "I'll try not to."

"Good."

Vance gestured and Tim willingly walked back to the building. Then, Vance turned back to the river once more. Yes, it would take time, but he was feeling more sure now that he could accept it eventually.

...and he could hope that he never had to put this information in a report.

And who knew but that having a seal in NCIS might come in handy someday?

One last look at the river and Vance walked back into the building to start his day.