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On with the story…

I am lying in my little bed that Carlos had made on the floor next to James. I'm replaying the last half hour over and over again in my head. My anxiety is through the roof. I want to run away. The look that James had given me before I went to the bathroom. Yes, of course he was shocked. He knew I was skinny, but not this skinny, I'm sure. He probably hates me, thinks I'm disgusting. I know I'm disgusting. If there was ever a chance that I would get him it's gone now. I just hope he doesn't treat me different at work.

I hear the soft breathing of him and Carlos next to me. It's the only noise I hear. I wrap myself even tighter in James' jacket and breath in his scent. It's amazing. I can't even explain it. It's James and a hint of his cologne. But it doesn't distract me long before my mind is a mess again.

When I came back before I opened the door I could hear harsh whispers.

"Carlos, what is wrong? Is he sick? Does he need help?" I could hear James and my heart stopped. He was firing off questions left and right. Why does he care? What the fuck is wrong with him?

Him? What's wrong with me? Don't answer, I know.

"Nothing! He is fine. Just a fast metabolism." Carlos says back, my heart drops. He is lying for me. I feel shitty enough. I can't keep letting him do that. Why is he doing that? He has nothing to hide. But what if he does? Is he ashamed of me? Fuck! He is.

I can't take it anymore so I open the door and see James and Carlos sitting on the floor on top of blankets and pillows talking, they are leaning into each other, probably to make sure I didn't hear them. They failed at whispering. James stops and looks at me. Then Carlos looks over his shoulder, concern written all over his face. It breaks my heart. I hate that I do this to him. And for the first time in years, I'm questioning if I should just let him go. Carlos is so full of love and life. How can I drag him into this dark place?

Then there is James who looks almost angry. I'm not sure if he is angry at me, or angry at Carlos for not telling him the truth. James isn't stupid, he know's he is being lied to, but he has no idea that these lies could be protecting him. From what? I'm not sure yet, maybe how dark the human mind can truly be?I turn off the light so that I don't have to see them any more.

But Carlos' voice rips through the dark, "How you feeling buddy?"

"Fine, I'm just tired. That movie scared the shit out of me." I lay down and pull up the blankets, facing away from the other two. I am tired. I'm drained. I need to sleep for about two years. I don't know how it got to this. But I can't stop now.

I stiffen when I feel a hand on my back, gentle, and I focus on the heat. "Kendall, are you sure your ok?" The concern in James' voice is gut wrenching. Please, just leave me alone.

"Yeah, I'll be ok," I look over my shoulder and force a smile, trying to convince him. He drops his hand and just nods. I can barely see him through the moonlight. HIs eyes look sad almost. His lips are parted slightly, almost like he wants to say something else. But he doesn't.

I roll back onto my side "Night guys." I let my eyes flutter shut.

They both say a simple night back before there is silence. It doesn't take long for them to fall asleep, but I can't. I roll over onto my back and stare at the ceiling. James is so close I can feel his breath on my cheek. I move a little to my right so that I can look at him. His bangs are flat against his forehead and he is curled into a ball with the blanket pulled just up to his hips. I watch as he breathes in and out evenly. His eye lashes are perfect as they lay against his cheek bones.

I can only see Carlos' back towards us. I want to hug him and tell him I'm sorry. I'm normally not so emotional but I feel like a piece of shit. Carlos is an amazing person and I don't want him to hate me. I really do love him. He needs to know how much I really do appreciate him.

It Will Pass

My eyes flutter open against the light when I hear movement. I groan and roll over onto my back. I wince as it cracks against the hard floor. The fuck! My entire body aches from sleeping on the hard floor. Shouldn't this be easy for someone my age? I also have a dull head ache.

I open my eyes and look straight up at the ceiling. I look over at the two on my left. They are sitting up in the spot where they slept and look down at me when they notice I'm awake. Carlos rubs his eyes and stretches. James stretches his arms above his head, his eyes squeezed shut. I hear his back crack before he lets himself fall back onto his pillow gain with a soft thud.

It's my turn to stretch. I sit up crossing my legs before I lean forward over them. It feels so good and I let out a soft groan before sitting up straight stretching that way. I look over at Carlos who is watching me. "Morning." I say with a soft smile. I'm determined to be nicer to Carlos.

"Morning." He smiles back. "How did you sleep James?"

"Like a baby." I look at James who has pulled the blanket back over his face and it muffles his voice.

I look at the clock on the TV stand. It's almost 11:00AM. I groan before I stand up and stretch again. I step over James who is still laying on the ground, grab my clothes off the floor, and walk out the door to the bathroom.

I pee before I wash my hands and rinse my mouth with Carlos' mouth wash. I look at myself in the mirror. My hair is everywhere. "Ugh." I fix it real quick the best I can before I notice something else. I'm still in James' hoodie. Then it comes flooding back. All of last night.

I just have to act like nothing happened. That would be best. Maybe they would act like that also. I know I don't have a chance with James so maybe I can just keep myself from looking like a dick.

I change into my jeans and then I pull off James' hoody. I hate doing it. It's so warm and comforting. I hug it close to me and breath in the scent once more. It smells of James and me now. Maybe some day those scents will actually mix. I make a face at myself in the mirror before shaking my head first, because that was creepy, and second, because we will never be together.

I walk back into the room and James is back into the clothes he wore yesterday. Damn, I missed seeing that!

What? Just because I am no longer going to even entertain the thought that we could someday be together doesn't mean I can't still enjoy him. Right?

I walk up to him holding out the hoody, "Thank you, I really appreciate it."

He pushes it back towards me, "No, keep it."

"What? Why? It's yours." I'm confused, did I contaminate it or something.

"It's yours now." He smiled one of his irresistible smiles. I just stared at him skeptically. Why does he want me to keep it? He wears this a lot. I see him wearing it at work.

When he doesn't say anything I finally give in, "Ok, thanks, I guess."

I look at Carlos who is staring at us. His face reads just as confused as I feel.

"Well, I better get going. I'm sure my mom is wondering where I am." I start to back away from James. I turn to Carlos, remember, be nice. "Thank you 'Los. I appreciate you letting me stay the night." I give him a hug. Carlos hesitates before hugging me back. But I end the hug quickly.

I head towards the door but a hand grabbing my arm stops me, "Hey, I wanna give you guys my number." James says quickly.

I can help but blush. I look at Carlos who shrugs and grabs his phone off his dresser. I pull mine out of my pocket where I had stuck it earlier.

After James gives us his number I break free and head home. But I have to keep telling myself, we will not get together. James is hot, but I don't like him. I know it's a lie, but it's a lie I have to make myself believe.