"What the fuck was that?" Carlos breaths out.

"Um. I'm kinda wondering the same thing." I'm still panting from the attack. I reach into Carlos' glove box and pull out my stashed cigarettes. I don't smoke often, only when I'm extremely stressed.

I put one between my swollen lips and grab the lighter, taking a deep breath, and quickly lighting it. I hold it out to Carlos, who declines. He doesn't smoke. I knew he would decline. My hands are shaking as I take in another deep breath and slowly let it out, getting a sick satisfaction from watching the smoke leave my body. Closing my eyes, feeling my throat burn, I try to collect my thoughts.

"So, are you going to tell me why you just kissed me?" Shit, that was practically rape of my mouth. I'm pretty sure that was called assault. I look at him, patiently waiting. I take in one more breath from the end of the cigarette before holding it out the window so it doesn't smoke up his car.

He is looking at his intertwined fingers before he looks up at me. "Kendall, first i'm sorry, but I need you to see that you are worth it. That you are beautiful. I wouldn't be able to kiss someone that I wasn't attracted to."

I open my mouth to tell him that he is just now getting around to telling me how he feels about me but he holds up a finger. "I know what your going to say. Yes, your gorgeous and sexy, but I'm not interested in you like that. I wanted to make a point. And would I have stuck around with you for 20 years if I didn't think that you were worth having around? No. I would have ditched your ass. So don't ever tell me how much you mean to me. You mean a hell of a lot more than you think. And James is worried about you. He has asked me a million times what he can do to help you. How to make you feel better. Hell, he doesn't even know whats wrong. Why? Because I love you and I don't want you to get hurt. So please, just think about that." He let out a sigh and I am speechless.

"So you just made out with me so that I would listen to you? So that I might actually stop and consider what you say? I know you care about me. That's not the problem. The problem is me accepting myself." I inhale more smoke. "And that proves nothing with James. All it shows me is that I'm more confused than ever."

He looks at me dumbfounded, "Yeah, how?"

"Because you can't just kiss someone like that. There is feeling behind something like that." I put my head back, not able to look at him. "There was so much passion behind that kiss that I can't believe you don't have other feelings for me." What the hell am I saying? I know he doesn't have feelings for me. He wants Logan. He has for a year. What the fuck am I doing? I don't know what I'm thinking.

"Really? You think I'm in love with you? No, Kendall. Get this straight. I want you to know that you are good enough for James. Take all the feeling you just felt from me and pretend that was James. These last two weeks have been amazing for him. Just getting to know you the little bit he has. We have talked a lot more than you know. But don't worry. I haven't said anything about you not eating. He still swears you have cancer."

After that we sat in silence as I finished smoking before we headed into the building filling out the application and submitting it. That is one good that about Carlos and I. We can have shit like this happen and it doesn't change our relationship. At least I hope it doesn't.

IT WILL PASS

After filling out the last application I think we are about to head back to his place. But when he takes a turn I don't recognize I start to question, "Carlos, home is the other direction." I say pointing the way we are supposed to be going.

"Kendall, I didn't forget where I live." He says with a small chuckle. It's almost as if we had never had that fight back in the parking lot. "Just wait, we need to make a stop."

"For what?" I am looking out the window trying to figure out what the hell could be on this side of town. Maybe another apartment? I don't think so unless he looked at them without me. No, he wouldn't do that.

We slow and he puts on the blinker. What is this place? I'm searching the houses for a clue, then I spot it.

"Oh, no. Carlos. No! Not today! I'm not even dressed. I look like shit. You just kissed me! Oh, God. I-" Carlos had pulled up behind James' car in a drive way and parked before throwing his hand over my mouth. My heart is about to beat right out of my chest as I stare up at the nice yellow house with a white door. It is almost perfect. Not like a 26 year old guy is living here. I know that James lives on his own. He told me.

When Carlos finally decides that I'm going to be quiet he slowly removes his hand and I look at him. "Calm down. Your fine. Trust me for once." He is looking at me pleading me. "Please, give him a chance. He doesn't only care about your looks."

"I have been giving him a chance! I've been talking to him. I was planning on texting him tonight. I eat lunch with him at least once a week." I say defending myself.

"No, you have been holding him in the friend zone. Hell, I'm less in the friend zone than he is." Carlos sends back with an eye roll.

"Yeah, you just over stepped your friend zone boundaries all on your own. And it's not like he has made a move." Wow. We are arguing again…and then I see James step out on the porch barefoot, in gray sweatpants, and a black t-shirt.

He sees me and his smile fades, "He didn't know I was coming!?" Hell, I didn't even know I was coming! What the fuck Carlos, you sneaky bastard.

I take a deep breath wanting to pull out another cigarette but Carlos is jumping out of the car with a big smile, and I hesitantly follow, worried about how I look. I slowly walk behind him up to the porch. I don't say a word as they hug before turning towards me. "Hey you!" James says as he practically hops down the steps towards me and pulls me into a bone crushing hug that I don't even get a chance to give back before he is pulling away. He seems to have recovered, I on the other hand have not.

Another quick lesson, when you don't eat your mind slows down. It's foggy. That's why at times it's harder to process things. It takes longer to react and recover. There are a million and one reasons not to do what I do, but I do it anyways. And I'm quickly realizing that the man I used to do it for is standing right in front of me. I wanted him so bad and now he is here. From what Carlos tells me he wants to me, then why cant I seem to accept that? A month ago I would have killed to have this opportunity but not that it's in front of me I keep pushing it farther away. I'm denying it. I'm denying him.

I let out a strangle hi and his face immediately grows concerned, "Are you ok, Kendall?" No, I'm not ok. I am scared to trust you, scared to let you in, scared to give you the chance to get to know me. Give you the chance to hurt me. I look over his should at Carlos who only nods towards James.

I feel the heat radiating through my body from the place on my shoulder where James places his hand, bringing me back to him. I put on a large smile pushing my thoughts aside best I can, "Yeah, I'm great. Wanna show us your place?"

I don't think James buys my act. He gives me one last look of concern before he turns and motions for me to follow him. Carlos falls in next to me as we go through the front door. I'm immediately hit with a smell of incense. Almost like coconut. The house is simple. Nothing on the walls. A coffee table in the living room on our right with a TV on the wall and a couch. There is a small fire place. On the right is a small room with a table in it, just past that I can see a kitchen. He leads us into the living room.

"Make your selves at home guys." Carlos plops down on the couch and I gently sit next to him. I feel like something very bad is going to happen. My guard is up and I don't know why. Today has been full of surprises, and I'm not sure if anything will turn out ok by the time night comes. "Do you guys want anything to drink?"

"What do you have?" Carlos pipes up.

"Um, water, pop. Like sprite, pepsi, mountain dew." James says slowly as he thinks about it.

"I'll have water." I say, gotta stay on the slim side.

"Mountain dew?" Carlos asks.

"Sure. I'll be right back." I watch James walk out of the room. Damn he looks fine! Even in sweats and a t-shirt he is perfection. I can see the muscles moving under the tight shirt. Just the way he walks is sexy. Shit Kendall, stop before you really do have something to be embarrassed about.

"Really? You couldn't have given me a little bit of warning."

"I knew you wouldn't come if I did. Kendall, please relax. Whats he gonna do? Kill us?" I didn't say anything. Carlos is right. He isn't going to hurt me. We've hung out at Carlos' 4 times just watching movies or playing video games. What was different now? Well first, his reaction when he saw me. Why did he look upset? Did I do something? I don't think so, we just talked last night. Nothing has happened since. Did he want to see just Carlos? No, he told Carlos he wants me. He wouldn't just want him to come over. I don't think. Ugh, I don't know.

James comes back in holding two glasses and he sets them down in front of us. I grab mine and take a huge swig to get my composure. I hate having anxiety. This would be so much easier if I were normal.

"So, it's kinda been a lazy day for me. And I have a friend coming over in a little bit, do you guys wanna play a video game then watch a movie when he gets here?" James suggests looking between Carlos and I.

I shrug, maybe him having a friend over will be good, another day where nothing will happen between James and I. "That's fine with me."

"Me too."

"Great!"

James set up Super Smash Bros and I watched him and Carlos. I would play the winner. After a ruthless battle and many insults and curses being send each others ways James finally wins. I will not be shy, I will listen to Carlos. Carlos and I stand at the same time and I'm about to take the controller when James' phone dings.

"Oh, he is about to be here, I'll be right back." James stands and walks over to the door. I sink to the floor next to the couch and Carlos sits next to me taking a drink from his pop.

"So Kendall, are you going to make a move?" He asks me quietly bending forward so that James wont hear him.

"Yeah, once I get a chance. For once I'm going to take your advice. But I don't want it to be weird so I'm just gonna feel out my grounds." I whisper back to him, looking up. Suddenly the kiss is flashing through my mind again and a shutter runs through my body. What the hell was that all about? I shake my head to get rid of the thoughts.

I look up when James opens the door and he is greeting someone. I lean forward to catch and glimpse of who it is when Carlos spits his pop all over me then drops his glass right into my lap. "What the fuck?!" I stand up quickly trying to save my already drenched clothes. "Carlos." I look at him and he is also standing now trying to brush me off. Really?

"Dude, I'm so sorry." I look down at his shaking hands as he is brushing off my hoodie. James is cracking up and I hear a snicker next to him.

I look over my shoulder to see who else is in the house, "Oh, hi Dr. Logan!" And then it clicks. Ha! It's Logan. Karma's a bitch Carlos! That's what you get. And I guess this is what I get to for being a dick to him sometimes.

"Hey guys." Logan gives a small wave. It's weird seeing him in gym shorts and a hoodie, he's normally decked out in a suit and tie or scrubs. "I didn't know you guys were going to be here."

"Yeah, I didn't know I was going to be here either." I look at Carlos and nudge him.

"Yeah, hey Logan." I hold back a laugh as to not embarrass him as a blush is already creeping up on his cheeks.

"Kendall," I turn to face James, "Let me get you some clothes, are shorts ok?"

Normally I would try to decline but I don't want to be sitting around in sticky pop all afternoon, "Yeah, that would be perfect, thank you."

"Ok, follow me." My heart is racing as I follow him down a small hallway and then enter a room after him. It's dark compared to the rest of the house. The bed sheets are a dark red and the walls are a dark blue. It smells like James' cologne and I try to hide the fact that I take in a deep breath.

I'm brought back when James asks, "Do you want a sweatshirt too?"

"Yeah, that would be wonderful. It's kinda cold out today. And thank you so much. I really appreciate it." I say as I take the clothes.

"Oh, not a problem. What were you guys up to today anyway?" He asks plopping down on the bed. Am I supposed to change in front of him? What the hell?

I try to push any negative thoughts away, he's already seen it already. "We were just filling out applications for apartments. We are going to get one together." I say trying to keep myself busy as I pull my shirt and hoodie over my head at the same time.

I blush as his eyes creep over my naked torso and I become very uncomfortable under his stare. He takes in a breath as if he is about to say something but stops himself when I grab the shirt he handed me quickly, throwing it on. "I didn't know you were friends with Dr. Logan outside of work?"

He quickly locks eyes with me, probably feeling as though he had been caught, and he has. I blush, "Oh yeah, we have been friends since high school. He is the one who actually helped me through college and get the job I have now." He shrugs.

"Wow, yeah he seems nice enough. I've only talked to him a few times." I reach for the waist band on my sweats and hesitate. He seems to get the idea because he lays down on the bed and stares at the ceiling. I quickly change into his shorts, having to roll them just to make them stay on my hips.

I jump when there is a knock on the door and I suddenly remember that I left Carlos out there with Logan. Eh, he will be fine. He isn't socially awkward like I am. "Are you guys decent? I got the movie." I hear Carlos call through the door.

I roll my eyes and James sits up laughing, "Yes, we are decent, open the damn door, Carlos."

Carlos then brings in the movie that he and Logan had picked. Apparently everything went well for them. I'm just glad that James didn't get a chance to say anything to me about my weight. It's another horror flick. I'm not surprised. James jumps up off of his bed and closes the curtains to the only window in his room making it even dimmer then rushes over to the TV sitting on a little stand against the wall opposite the one his bed is on. He turns on and opens the DVD player before turning to Carlos and holding out his hand for the movie.

"Hey, Kendall, are you going to survive the sugar bath you got?" Logan says with a side ways smirk on his face.

I snort, "Oh, now Dr. Logan has a sense of humor, who would have known?" I through back sarcastically though I give him a smile letting him know I am just giving him a hard time.

"Please, just call me Logan. I'm only a doctor at work." He says holding his hands up.

I mimic a salute, "Yes sir."

Carlos sits down on the floor at the end of the bed, Logan following him. I sit on the floor on the other side of Logan as James finishes putting the movie into the play. I hear Carlos and Logan talking quietly as I stare at James who is standing in front of me with the remote waiting to press play. Every move he makes gives me butterflies in my stomach as his muscles of his shoulders move under his tight shirt. Shit he is hot.

I jump when he turns around and bite my lip praying he didn't catch me staring. Honestly though, I caught him earlier and I don't think he had hardly any shame. I expect James to sit next to me on the floor but I'm quickly disappointed when he walks to the bed. I stare at the screen watching the opening credits trying to keep myself from feeling a pang of hurt in my stomach. Dick.

I jump when James calls me, "Kendall, come here." I look over my shoulder and him and he is holding up the blankets patting a spot under there, telling me where he wants me.

I steal a glance at Carlos and Logan. They are both sitting indian style, their knees touching. Yeah, I don't want to be alone down here…

I jump up and move towards James. Though I hesitate. He lifts up the covers a little higher, he is under them. I guess this is my chance to make a move. My heart his pounding and I can feel it beating in my chest. I can feel my entire body shaking with anticipation as I slide under the covers close to James instantly enjoying the warmth of his body. I scoot as close to him as I can without actually touching and he leans back against the wall and I follow suit, pulling his blanket up to my chin.

I take in a deep breath and pull my legs up to my chest before I scoot a little closer to James, our arms now touching.

Alright guys. Originally this was going to be Kendall/James. Now I can see it being Kendall/Carlos. Please review and tell me what to do! I seriously need help with this! I have a plot for either direction. So if you are only going to review once, this is the time to do it and put in a vote! Thank you!