We got out of the car and I was trying to calm my nerves. I know it's dumb to be nervous. But I still can't trust James. I don't know what he sees in me. What does he want from me? What if it's all just a game? He's going to get in my pants and then disappear. Or he is going to spend a few months stringing me along and then decide he has had enough. Nothing good could come from this. I have to proceed with caution. And if it gets to much, just abort mission.

I hate that I'm so self conscious but can you blame me for not wanting to get hurt? I want to just give him my all and fully commit to him. Hold up, there is no committing? He hasn't even asked me to be his boyfriend or anything. All he has done is show some interest. I know he thinks I'm a least a little attractive but is that all he sees me for? Maybe he wants to ask me to be his boyfriend tonight. Maybe that is his plan. My heart flutters at the thought, but my stomach contradicts with a wave of nausea. Well, I guess I'm going to find out.

I look at Carlos who has a huge smile on his face as he knocks on the door. "You excited lover boy?" I ask with a straight tone.

"Shut up, douce bag." He gently pushes me and I go to push back when the door suddenly opens and light floods out revealing a fucking shirtless James! What the fuck?

I'm stuck in my place. The sculpted abs and the tanned skin, looks so soft. It's all perfection. And this God wants me? I mean I knew he worked out but day-am! I shake my head when I realize how ridiculous my thoughts are. Carlos is gone into the house and has exchanged hellos with James and has gone to find Logan. I walk through the door and James shuts it behind me.

"Here, babe, I'll take your coat." James says softly into my ear as he comes around the front of me, and once again my body is thrown into over drive by the sweetness of his voice and the fact that he called me babe, he just amazes me. I try to hide my flustered state and take my coat off holding it out to him. I finally dare myself to look at him and I realize he must have just gotten out of the shower and that is why he is standing here half naked in front of me. His hair is still wet and sticking to his forehead. I watch the muscles in his body as he hangs my coat up on the knobs he has on the wall. I shake my head and get my shit back together. Kendall you just think he is hot. You don't feel anything for him. Don't get to excited.

I'm almost startled when he turns to me and pulls me into a hug. He has one arm around my shoulder and the other wrapped securely around my waist, holding me close to his body. I wrap my arms around his waist and I rest my cheek against his bare chest. I can hear his heart beating steadily and I close my eyes. I can smell the scent of his soap and it's almost a sweet smell. I pull in a deep breath and try to ignore how I shake. I know he can feel every bone. I haven't weighed myself lately but I know I have lost weight.

I feel him kiss the top of my head and I pull back slightly and give him a smile. He leans in a little and I feel him move both his hands to my waist. I look at his lips and they are slightly parted. I lean into him, though, I hesitate and he takes that time to connect our lips. His lips are so soft against mine and for a moment my mind flashes back to the car, where Carlos had kissed me, and how I had kissed him back. How I had slept with him, curled into his side. I feel guilty, I'm not sure if it's because I'm now kissing James instead of him or if I feel as though I have already cheated on James. But I can't have Carlos. He has Logan and I'm hoping to have James. I want James to kiss me like Carlos did. The last kiss we had shared, in his dark room, 'watching' a movie was heated and full of hormones. Carlos' was a point. A point that I can be loved and that I am beautiful. More than just something to be played with. That he truly cared. I want James to show me that through a kiss. I want James to do to me what Carlos had done.

I break the gentle kiss to catch my breath before I put my lips back to his. I reach up and put my hand on the side of his neck and I feel him shiver at the coolness of it, as I revel in the heat of his skin. He pulls me closer to him by my hips and he deepens the kiss. Giving me what I want. I moan gently telling him to give me more. The kiss is turning heated and sloppy. I find his bottom lip and take it between my teeth. Gently nibbling before I kiss it. He lifts me up his hands under my thighs and my back is against the door. I groan slightly from the pain of the hard wood against my bony back. Though, I can still feel myself getting hard and my arms go around his neck, holding on. I can feel his muscles in his shoulders and I can't believe I doing this with him.

I have my legs firmly wrapped around his waist, one hand still holding me up while the other goes up my shirt. I break the kiss to go to his neck trying to keep my cool as a lump forms in my stomach. I know what he is going to feel, and it terrifies me. But my saving grace, there is a knocking on the door behind me. I let out a small squeal and James when he lets out a soft chuckle.

"Pizza's here." He says in the soft, sweet voice that I'm doing everything in my power not to become attached to. But this time its huskier and sexier than I've heard before.

He gently sets me down before digging his wallet out of his sweat pants pocket and opens the door letting the cold air engulf my now heated body and I shiver. I grab the food as James pays the man and that lump is back in my stomach. I'm not hungry. I'm not hungry. One slice of pizza depending on what he got could be 300 calories. I've already had 250 today from the salad at subway. I can't afford to have more!

I'm snapped out of my thoughts when James closes the door and takes the pizza from my arms. I quickly take off my shoes before I follow him into the kitchen and watch as he rushes around the small place gathering napkins and plates. He gently holds one out to me and I gingerly take it. I can feel my heart racing. My mind trying to put together a plan to get out of this. "Kendall." I look at him almost alarmed at the sound.

"Yeah?" My voice is choked.

"Are you ok?" He looks stern and I almost cower in his stare. He is looking for any hint that I'm lying.

I nod my head before I put my plate on the table and lift the top of the box scoping out the smallest piece of pepperoni pizza and grab it, even though that isn't small enough. James calls the others to the kitchen. I back away from the food as Carlos comes around the corner quickly Logan right on his tail. I smile because of how happy they look.

I wait for everyone to get their food and James gets everyone something to drink. Shockingly I get water. We make our way into the living room and I sit on the floor, James behind me with me between his legs. Carlos on the floor next to me and Logan taking the same position James had. I take a large drink of my water, avoiding Carlos at all cost. I know he is watching me, studying me. Watching my every move, crazy.

I set my food down and turn resting my elbow on James' knee. "Why don't we get a movie going?" I look between the three of them.

"Sure! Kendall, do you want to help me pick one out?" Carlos says as he hops up, also setting his food on the coffee table. I nod knowing that he is going to have a little chat with me. I hop up behind him and follow him to the book case full of movies.

We stand in front of it eyeing them. "How about a funny one?" I ask, you know to lighten my mood.

"Yeah, then a scary one! It worked out well for you last time." He nudges me with his elbow and all I can do is roll my eyes and laugh.

He picks one out before he says "You need to eat."

I let out a sigh as I follow suit grabbing one as well. "I know. I will. But my stomach hurts."

"Kendall, try to let loose." He pulls out Bad Grandpa showing me and I nod in approval.

I look over my shoulder at James. Him and Logan are talking quietly and nibbling on their food. Well, more like devouring it. I shake my head with a small smile and Carlos continues. "If not for you, do it for me. If I can't convince you, do it for James. Have fun tonight Kendall. Please. Don't push James away again. I love you buddy." I nod. Feeling the guilt come back full force and all I want to do is throw myself at him and have him hold me tight. I want James to show me what Carlos shows me everyday. How much he cares every day. James cant love me like Carlos does. Not in the short time we have known each other. Like really known each other. But I need him to. If he is ever going to compete with this bull shit I have made up between Carlos and I. Though, I have to open up some. Carlos is right. I need to loosen up. The sad part is that I don't know if I can do it. Even if that means saving us. All of us.

I grab a scary movie. Not even looking at what it is before turning and walking back to the others across the small room. "We picked out a funny one for now and a scary one for later." I say as Carlos hands Bad Grandpa over to James who jumps up and puts it in player. When he sits down Carlos plops himself back down on the floor and grabs the food he has only taken a couple of bites of taking another humming around his food. I smile and stare at my own plate in front of me. I try to ignore it by watching the movie and lean back against the couch. The warmth radiating off of James is incredibly comforting. As we start to get into the movie I pick up my plate and I take a nibble off the tip of the warm pizza and I chew slowly. I can eat this one piece its ok. Leave the crust. I take another bite and soon I've accepted the fact that I'm eating this one piece and when the other three jump and start laughing I'm able to crack a smile as I slowly chew. Though I'm still going to assume that I have consumed about 550 calories today. Gross.

We finish that movie and everyone jumps up for seconds before we turn on the scary movie. To try and avoid being pressured I stay out of the kitchen taking the time to put the movie in myself. I stand at the edge of the couch waiting for the others awkwardly and jump when I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around my small waist. I hear Carlos' voice in my head telling me to let loose. Do it for James. I lean my head back against his shoulder and he puts his hands on my hips swaying us back and for gently. I can hear Carlos and Logan laughing in the kitchen and I cant help but smile slightly. I feel James large hands wrapped around my hips and I try not to show that my heart is speeding up as his fingertips go under the waist band of my jeans and he squeezes my hips. I know he can feel the protruding bones. How my skin is pulled tight over the tips of them. I take a deep breath and push my body back against his and my hands cover the ones of my hips and I feel him shiver at how cold they are.

"Kendall." I feel his hot breath against my neck and now I'm the one shuddering under him.

"Yeah?" I breath out my eyes closed focused on the way his hands are tickling my hips still.

"Your beautiful."

I stop swaying. I can't believe him. I turn around in his hold and look into his eyes. Now I'm the one who is looking for the lie. What I am is not beautiful. I know I've lost weight since the first time we have hung out. I can see it. Before my ribs weren't even visible. Now I barely even have to suck in to see them. All the stress of trying to keep my emotions in check is taking a tole on my already small appetite. "James." I don't even know what to say.

"Please, just take the compliment." He takes a step back and runs his fingers through his hair. He is flustered and very obviously slow. He lets out a deep sigh. "You don't understand what you do to me Kendall. You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful. Since the first time I saw you." He is looking into my eyes but I know that when he first met me I was 30 pounds heavier. There is no way he liked me then. He just showed interest in me. The me who is actually skinny!

I want to cry. I can't talk because I don't trust my voice to come out strong. I turn my head and look at the floor next to me. "Kendall, I really like you. And I would appreciate if you would just give me the chance to show you how you should be treated."

I look at him, keeping my features hard. He needs to know that I'm serious. "What are you trying to say?"

He puts his hand on my cheek and his voice softens. "Please, let me take you out. I want to be more than friends."

"You mean you want me to be your boyfriend?" I feel the pizza from earlier weighing down my stomach and I immediately want to throw it up and weigh myself.

"Yeah. Yeah I do."

"I want to take this slow James." My heart is beating rapidly, my stomach is turning, and my breathing is erratic. I pray to the heavens I'm not doing the wrong thing. Something breaks a little inside me when I see a flash of hurt go across his face at my not so straight answer. But I have to be strong. I have to protect my own heart.

He gives me a gentle kiss and when he breaks away from me he whispers "Thank you" against my lips.

Carlos and Logan come back into the room and we start the second movie. I'm sitting sideways in James' lap with my feet tucked under Carlos' leg as he is curled up into Logan's side.

That night we go our separate ways after saying a quick goodnight. Carlos quietly asks if I'm ok and I silently assure him I am. Though, i'm still hesitant and very skeptical of agree to be with James.

James lets me crawl into bed first as he turns on the TV. "Are you ok sleeping with the TV on?"

"Yeah, I don't mind. Carlos sleeps with his on and I survive at his place." I explain with a shrug.

I see something flash across James' face. Maybe jealousy? I'm not sure. "You and him are close aren't you?"

I nod "Yeah, him and my mom are my everything. I need him and I don't know what I would do without him." I pull my phone out of my pocket and I set it on his bedside table before tucking myself under the blankets.

James turns off the lights and he moves under the blankets too but keeps his distance from me. That longing feeling comes back full force. Where I just want to be held close and feel safe. I look up at James who is staring at the TV. He looks so relaxed and content. His expression is so gentle and I can appreciate just how handsome he truly is. The way his jaw is cut, the way his eye lashes are dark and long. His hair is laying flat against his forehead since he had just showered before we got here.

"James." My voice is barely a whisper.

He turns quick like I broke him from a trance. "Yeah?" His voice is also soft.

I look down almost ashamed feeling like a small child. "Hold me? Please."

He scoots down in the bed and holds his arms out to me. I lay with my head on his bicep and my legs are draped over his bent ones. I feel so small as he wraps his other arm around my waist holding me tightly into his chest. I'm warm and feel as though he is holding me together. This is the most vulnerable i have felt in a long time. And this is as far as it's going to go.

I promised Carlos I would try and let loose. I ate without putting up any sort of fight and I initiated this. I didn't instantly shut James down when he asked me if I wanted to be his. When I talk to Carlos tomorrow I can only hope that he is proud of me for once.

And with that thought we whisper our good nights and James presses a kiss to my temple before we fall into a deep sleep.

Wow I feel like this was a very long chapter but every time I read it I added to it. Was it to intense? Not enough? Is there anything you guys don't understand? Suggestions? Anything just let me know in a comment! Good reviews would also be appreciated! Until next time!