I wake up slowly. It's quiet. I'm warm and the bed is soft and there is a blanket wrapped tightly around me. My back is sore from being flat on it for so long so I roll onto my side. But there is something heavy holding me down. I reach to my waist and I feel skin. An arm. And everything comes rushing back. I'm in James' bed. And that is his arm around my waist. Then the conversation comes rushing back. He's my boyfriend. I have a boyfriend. My heart starts to pound. I get a tight feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm terrified. I'm gonna get hurt. Maybe just hurl. He isn't gonna want me at some point. Maybe it will last for 3 months. Right when I fall in deep and he is gonna bail.

I open my eyes and it's still dark out. The TV is off. I lace my fingers with his. He is on his side facing me. I don't even know why I'm doing this to myself. Carlos. I'm doing it for him. I taking a chance for him. I trust him. He's the only one I trust. I have to. He thinks this will be good for me. I just pray he is right. I pull his hand to my chest and I roll away from him. My back against his chest. I keep my fingers laced with his and I take a deep breath to calm myself before I close my eyes to go back to sleep. James' warm slow breath against my neck. And it feels so good having the comfort of another human holding me. Even if it's just for the moment.

IT WILL PASS

When we woke up it was close to 9:00. James allowed me to use the bathroom first. After I was done he went in and I slowly got dressed. After 10 minutes of waiting on James I decided to venturer out to the living room where Logan and Carlos were sitting on the couch talking quietly. Each holding a coffee.

"Yours is in there." Carlos says to me with a smile pointing to the kitchen before I even get to ask where mine is.

I grab my coffee. He know's how I like it. Black with the tiniest bit of french vanilla. I can't have much because that creamer contains a lot of calories. But that is one thing that I do splurge on. I can't stand black coffee. Carlos doesn't need to know those details though. He already knows to much.

I come back out of the kitchen and I sit on the floor in front of the couch facing Carlos and Logan. I look around and I notice that James still isn't out here.

Logan must have noticed me looking around, "Oh, don't worry. He is fine. He will be in there at least another 20 minutes."

"What? It's already been 15." I say as I then sip on my coffee. It's so hot and it feels so good when it hits my stomach.

"Oh yeah. He has a morning routine that would compete with any girl." Logan says before taking a sip of his own coffee.

"So it does take hard work for him to look that good?" I say with a chuckle.

The other two laugh as well and Logan nods. I still haven't had a chance to talk to Carlos about the conversation James and I had had the night before. Where I kind of agreed to be his boyfriend. Once again the kiss between Carlos and I hits me full force. I still don't know how you just kiss someone like that. Out of nowhere and then say it's nothing. Carlos isn't the kind of person that would do something like that and it not be anything. But it wasn't. He said it wasn't. He said it is because he loved me and he needed me to listen to him. But it isn't the kind of love I need. The kind of love I am scared to look for because that is how you get hurt. Trying to find the right person to love you the way you need to be loved. It takes trial and error. Maybe that is why I'm thinking about it so hard. I know that Carlos could give that to me and not hurt me. He know's me and understands the kind of love and relationship I need. I already trust Carlos. I wouldn't have to take all these crazy precautions just to even consider a relationship.

"Well, well, well, look who emerges." Logan says. He glances at his watch "And a entire 6 minutes early." I look up as James walks into the living room. He is wearing dark jeans with a burgundy v-neck t-shirt. It fits him in all the right spots. Jesus, there is no way this man wants me. I look down at myself and take in the purple and black plaid and my dark skinny jeans. Just about what you would always expect from me.

James comes over to me and I look up at him. He crouches down next to me. "Good morning." He gives me a soft smile before leaning in and giving me a small kiss.

When he pulls away he notices the coffee in my hand. "Wait. Where is mine?"

I laugh. "In the kitchen. Carlos and Logan must be early birds and went and got them for us."

James walks into the kitchen to grab his coffee and Carlos' phone starts to ring. He jumps up and looks at the number looking excitedly between Logan and myself. "It's the last apartment complex we went to. It's like 5 minutes from here!"

I jump up and i'm right next to him. "Answer it!" I squeeze myself between him and the arm rest. He answers it and puts the phone up to his ear. I lean close so that I can hear what the person on the other end is saying.

"Hello?" Carlos says.

"Hi, is the Mr. Garcia?" a women asks.

"Yes, it is."

"Well, I just wanted to let you know that we went over yours and Mr. Knights application and we believe you would be a good fit. I was wondering if you had time to come down and look over the lease one last time and sign it. Then you two are ready to move in."

Carlos pulls away and looks at me. I nod at him vigorously telling him yes. James walks back in and sees me practically in Carlos' lap. I watch as James lifts and eyebrow at Logan and he just shrugs his shoulders. "Yes, that would be amazing!"

"Great! How does 12:00 sound?" She asks and Carlos looks at me. Again, I nod vigorously.

"Yes! That works for us!"

"Alright I'll see you then."

"Thank you." And he hangs up.

"Ahh! Kendall we have a apartment!" He threw himself at me and I all but fell off the couch. He had his arms around my waist and I threw mine around his neck giggling. Everything is perfect in this very moment.

IT WILL PASS

Carlos and I were sitting in the kitchen talking with my mother. I had gotten away with not eating anything as Carlos had snacked all day since we had come to my house to start packing my stuff. We had work the next day, somehow we always had the same schedule. Carlos probably had a word in with the scheduler on our unit. Though, the day after that we were going to Carlos' to pack his shit. He had a lot more than me. I wasn't looking forward to it.

"Are you boys sure you can handle yourselves?" My mom asked turning away from the stove where she was making spaghetti. It smelt fucking amazing and my stomach was rumbling in anticipation, not like I was going to give it all it wanted.

I rolled my eyes cheek resting lazily on my right fist.

"Mamma Knight I promise I will take care of your son!" Carlos stated confidently.

My eyebrows shot up, "Carlos, she asked if we were going to be ok, not if you were going to marry me."

He smirked and turned to me, "Is that a yes?" He asked in excitement.

My eyebrows went even farther into my hair line, if that were even possible. My mom turning away from her spaghetti her face matching mine. "How would Logan feel if he were to hear this?" I asked somewhat mocking, sitting up straight in my chair.

Before he could even speak my mom turned completely, "Oh? And who is this Logan?" Her face was now lit up, hoping to get filled in on the detailed of Carlos' love life.

"Oh, he is just Kendall's boyfriends best friend." Carlos stated shrugging his shoulders as if he didn't just throw my entire love life at my mother. My mind started racing. Shit, she is gonna wanna know everything! My heart started pounding. Aw, fuck it. Who gives a shit. I guess she can know. Not that it matters now. Thanks to Carlos.

"Who also happens to be Carlos' boyfriend." I say jutting my thumb to the left at my best friend.

"Wait!" My mom has he hands up, palms out. "When did either of you get boyfriends? How come I haven't heard about either of them? Where did you even meet these guys? Carlos, do your parents know?"

"Hold up Momma Knight." Carlos starts. "We both just got together officially last night. We met them at work. And please for the love of God do not call my mother!" His face is pleading with my mom.

She just shakes her head and moves onto the next question, "So, when do I get to meet them?"

Carlos and I exchange a look and he shrugs at me. I internally groan before I answer her. "I don't know. Neither of us are all that serious yet."

Carlos snorts "Speak for yourself."

I suppress the urge to role my eyes and get up "I have to pee." I make my way to the bathroom. Honestly, it was just to get away from the conversation. I don't need my mom knowing all the details of my only partially existent love life. Who knows how long it will even last. A couple of weeks? At some point James wont want to deal with this any more.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I keep going back and forth on if I have lost or maintained my weight. Honestly there is only one way to know. I strip and try to take a piss. I guess if I'm gonna do this I might as well make myself as light as possible since I have drank water. Maybe even it out a little. After I relieve myself I take out the scale and step on it. I was 134 the last time I remember. I wanted to be 135 but clearly that wasn't good enough since I haven't taken any steps to eat more normal.

128.6. Fan-fucking-tastic. The butterflies in my stomach and my pounding heart screamed pride and the rush from knowing I was so much lighter. Not that I can really see it for myself. You know, the entire my body doesn't look to me what other people see thing. I always look fatter to myself. The scary part is my head. I'm just a bag of bones. I'm going to fucking kill myself. And the thing is that I know it. But I don't care. Because these moments of being so damn proud of myself are what urge me on. In just a few weeks I have lost a significant amount of weight for someone who is already on the low end of the normal scale. No wonder I could actually see my ribs. Though, I'm not shocked.

I tuck the scale back away, throw on my clothes, flush the toilet, and wash my hands. Gotta make this get away seem believable if anyone were to mention it.

When I come out Carlos and my mom are already eating. I see a bowl sitting out for me, already filled. Fuck! I can't even pick out my own fucking food.

"I got you a bowl." Carlos says as I turn to look at him. I give him a look of disbelief and a little bit of anger. Anxiety rising. He throws back a look of 'you better fucking eat it.'

I drop my eyes to the floor and let out a harsh sigh. There isn't anything I can do about it in front of my mother. And he knows it. I pick up the bowl and realize its not as full as I thought it was. Maybe he isn't out to get me…completely.

After dinner we help my mom clean up and head back to my room. Once Carlos shuts the door he stops and looks at me as I plop down on the edge of my bed. I look up at him and I can't read the look on his face. Maybe sadness but a little bit of confidence. A small sad half smile. I can't even describe it.

"You did good tonight. Thank you." Is all he says.

I just nod, dropping my eyes to the floor in something like shame, but not feeling sorry for every other time he isn't successful, not having to ask to know exactly what he is referring to. You know since I ate 95% of my food. He knew that he had trapped me. He saw the look on my face and new that I was pissed and full of anxiety the entire time through dinner. He knew that since my mom was sitting with us I couldn't even pull out my phone and text James as a distraction without being scolded.

"Well, I'm gonna get going." He says.

I pull out my phone and a smile graces my usually hard features.

"James, huh?"

"Yeah, he asked how moving went today."

"I promised Logan I would text him when I got home. So I should probably go do that." He sounds like he doesn't want to leave but doesn't know how to stay. Like a puppy who wants to leave his abusive home but doesn't have anywhere else to go. I'm not sure what that means or why. Hopefully he is just tired after our long day and he is now full. I remember the fight we had a little while ago and my resolution to try and be nicer to my best friend, despite everything he does to interfere with my most personal life.

"Carlos," I get his attention as he had started to turn away. "I'm super excited to move in with you. Your always there for me no matter what. And I really do appreciate it."

Suddenly, Carlos is back. His face is lit up with a bright smile and his eyes are dancing and sparkling. "Dude, I can't even wait. Just a couple more days and a weekend and we will be in to our own home!"

With that Carlos left and I was left in my silent room. I thought about our day. How we had said goodbye to James and Logan shortly after the phone call and signed for our apartment. We each got a key and decided we would start a my house. Since he has more things and neither of us wanted to go through his 2 closets and 2 large dressers and a desk. We packed all the things out of my closet, the tops of my dressers, my clothes and books. Only leaving four outfits to wear to work to bed and if I needed extra to go out. As we packed we spilled the beans about what happened the night before. How James had asked me to be his boyfriend and I in a round about way said yes. Carlos took it as a win. Fist thrust above his head squealing a yes! He then in his own giggly fanboyish way told me how he had been the bold one to ask the doctor if he would go to a movie with him as more than friends. We finished packing talking about random things and the things that were long forgotten in my closets and dropped my stuff off at our apartment before heading back to my house for dinner. My mom had text me saying she was making spaghetti and Carlos making a sound only Logan should hear in a private setting and something about carbs and warm.

I rolled my eyes at the silly antics of my latino an-

Hold up. Mine? No, is most certainly not mine. We discussed earlier how he belongs to Logan. I can't help the burning begins in the pit of my stomach and radiates up to my chest. Making it hard to breath and forms a lump in my throat. He is my best friend. I know exactly what these feeling are. And I know whats causing it. I just can't admit it. Not yet. Not even to myself.

I look down at my phone typing back a 'it went great, just have to move his big stuff this weekend.'

I set my phone down on the bed before grabbing clothes to wear to bed. I know as soon as I strip I will be cold so I grab a dark blue long sleeve shirt and a pair of grey sweatpants. You know, their like the new fad thing right now. I turn on the TV as I shimmy down into my bed and turn on a episode of Law and Order. I don't actually watch it. It's more like background noise that I don't feel guilty not listening to. Kind of like the news.

I grab my phone up and see that James has already text me back. 'so your stuff is next?'

We continue talking about our days and how we predict work will go tomorrow. How we already know that he will have his one on one and I will have the same set with him in it as always. I don't say it but I know that even though Carlos has his own set of rooms, patients, nurses, and families to attend too he will still find time to come and pester me at my post. And I smile at that, loving how predictable my life is.

I also know that after this weekend James will try to get me alone and down to the cafeteria to eat. Probably subway.

I'm finally getting warm and my bed is becoming more and more comfortable as the seconds go by. I feel my phone vibrate and as if James could read my mind he says 'i'm falling asleep. Ill see you tomorrow at work. :)'

I send back a quick 'night James' before turning over and trying to push anything negative out of my head before my anxiety decided that it's gonna pay me a visit costing me countless hours of the sleep I need. For once I get lucky.

I'm sorry if this is choppy! And I'm sorry it took so long! I have been writing it for months now and I got stuck for a long time, then yesterday it just pops in my mind and I was able to take off with it! I'm sorry if there are typos or any weird errors. Please let me know what you think? I love you all lots who have stuck by this story! I will try not to get writers block again, at least not for this duration. Reviews please! You don't know how much they keep me going.