Thank you everyone for the comments and letting me know what you think. You don't know how it motivates me. Be prepared there is a lot in this chapter. Its kind of the turning point.
Enjoy!
The next morning I arrive at work and its almost like every other day. Almost. It started out with Carlos picking me up and us driving in together, to the usual overly crowded bus ride that always seems to take to long. But then, we walk into the locker room and James and Logan are waiting near the clock in machine. That's the moment it hits me. We really are dating. This man is my boyfriend, and fucking damn it if he doesn't look just as hot in his green scrubs as he does in his wife beater and sweatpants. Or a graphic tee with dark blue jeans.
As we stood in line waiting for our turn to start our shift they made their way over to us. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Logan give Carlos a quick peck on the lips, but I was focused on James. How he smiled when he saw me. He mimics the doctor by giving me my own kiss before pulling me into a hug and whispering a good morning.
"Good morning." I tell him as I hug him back, loving the way the heat radiates from him and slowly warms me. When I pull away I look around, "Shouldn't you be getting report from last night?"
He shrugs, "I just wanted to see you."
Fuck those butterflies. I don't really know what to say, "Ok," I give him a small smile hoping he can tell I appreciate it, "I'll see you again soon when I stock rooms."
He goes to walk away but I stop him once more wrapping my arms around his waste wanting that warmth one more time before he gets to work. He hugs me back tight around my shoulders. "See you soon, baby." With that he is gone.
I look to my left to see Carlos staring at me, stupid smirk on his face and I feel mine heat up. "What?" I say it a bit to harsh but I gotta keep my shit together.
He doesn't even blink an eye, "Are you blushing?!" He sounds to excited over this.
"Shut up. It's your turn to punch in anyway." I say trying to distract him. It works.
IT WILL PASS
At this point in my day I am done with stocking and asking families if they need anything. James and I already had lunch together as predicted. We got our usuals. My chicken salad and him his usual spicy italian on wheat bread. He asked about Carlos and I when we were little. I told him stories of our hockey days, him sharing his own with Logan. It's crazy how four hockey heads can come together.
Once we returned he went back to his post outside the toddlers room. I was answering call lights and running errands for the other nurses. Helping turn and lift kids. I turned the corner around the desk and I hear my name being called. It's James. I don't miss the hint of panic.
"Kendall, come here!" I see him inside the room of the toddler. James has a bag attached to his tracheotomy so that he can breath for him. He looks terrified and I know he loves this boy. He has been taking care of him for two years. And Ottie loves James just as much. They have a bond like I have never seen between a patient and nurse. They have an understanding. The way the he is looking up at James. Lips turning blue. I've never seen him this pale before. I know that this isn't a normal desat.
I jump into action running towards the room. Immediately my heart is pounding in my chest. My adrenaline kicks in. "Kendall, push the button!" The urgency and the look in his eyes begging me for help assures me that this is bad. I push my own fear aside and focus on what I have to do.
I run around James to the wall where I slam my palm down on the wall over the button, signally we needed help stat! Suddenly red lights are flashing showing the way to our room, alarms are sounding. His heart monitor is blaring at a high pitch indicating his oxygen is at a dangerously low level, along with his heart rate.
"Get his blood pressure. You have to try." James says from the floor, his voice is slightly more steady as he focuses, eyes going from me to the monitor and back.
I don't say a word as I grab what I need and start to wrap it around the boys small arm. I jump up to push the button that will allow it to be taken and as I do the room begins to fill with people. I am on the ground next to James again and I watch the machine tick away. "James it's not reading. It's to low." I can hear my own voice wavering, my own panic. I know I have to keep it together. I take a quick breath to try and regain myself.
I look down at the baby between us and I can feel my body trembling. The respiratory therapist is beside me and I'm watching as James is starting to lose his ground. He is beginning to give breaths to fast and the therapist begins chest compressions. Logan is on the other side of James, "James, your going to hard." Logan begins saying something else to another nurse but I don't hear what he is saying.
I watch as James tries to slow down but his hands are shaking. I know what this kid means to him. I just want to help. "Kendall, take over for him." Logan says as he removes a needle from the baby's arm. I have no idea what he has given him.
I reach over and put my hands on top of James'. I start to guide him. I take a deep breath and try to follow my own breathing. I look up and meet James' eyes. He is full of uncertainty and a bit of fear. I take in a breath and exhale, showing him the patter. I nod at him and mouth 'do it.' I know I need to leave him so the other's have the room they need around the small boy.
He nods his head and eyes fix back on his task. I let go of his hands and walk out of the room. I meet Carlos in the hallway. "How long has it been?" I ask him knowing damn well that it's a lot shorter time than he feels it was.
"About a minute." He replies quietly. We are both standing right outside the door, watching them work. James, Logan, a Respiratory Therapist, and another nurse just incase she needs to run and grab anything.
My eyes go to the monitor seeing that his oxygen is still low. His heart isn't beating on it's own. He isn't moving. I have a heavy feeling in my gut that this is it. A piece of my heart breaks and I feel tears prick the back of my eyes. I may be a dick, but I love my job and my job is to help keep these kids alive. All that aside, this is part of the job. We knew this kid in particular couldn't live forever. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It's been way to long. Usually he is back and sitting up by now.
Logan calls it, stating that their attempts were futile. I smeared a hand over my face roughly before dropping it down to my side, slapping my thigh. I watched James lean back on his feet, his face red, eyes hard, expression unreadable, jaw clenched. He was just looking at the baby he had been taking care of for so long.
I look to my right at Carlos. He is watching Logan. I follow his stare. Logan is watching James. A sense of worry all over his face. In a moment James is on his feet and leaving the room. Eyes on the floor.
He was gone before I can even begin to say something, gone around the corner. I want to follow. I want to make him better. I want to help him. My heart is pounding. Carlos grabs my arm giving me the answer I need. "Go, he needs someone."
I nod before heading down the hall and around the same corner he took. I took it just in time to see the bathroom door shutting. I hurry to the end of the hall way and stop in front of it. I shake out my arms trying to loosen my muscles and let out a deep breath, gathering myself from what I had just witnessed. I knock on the door lightly, "James?"
"What?" His voice is harsh, full of anger.
Suddenly, I'm not sure if I want to do this. I know that anger is part of the grieving process. In the medical field we go through the steps much faster. We have to in order to emotionally survive this job. Maybe he just needs space. No Kendall, man up. He needs you. Do something right for once and be there for him. One last steadying breath and I try the handle and surprisingly it's unlocked. I slip inside as quietly as I can.
James is gripping the sides of the sink. His head is dropped down between his shoulders and I cant see his face in the mirror. I make my way behind him and wrap my arms around his waist. His body is so tense and he is trembling. I put my hands flat on his sides and gently squeeze, pressing my cheek to his back, trying to hold him together. I can hear his heart racing.
He turns in my grip and wraps his arms around my waist. My arms going around his broad shoulders. I feel so much smaller than him. So weak as he puts most of his weight on me, his face in the crook of my neck. His hard, muscled body against my frail one. My knees begin to feel week trying to hold the both of us up. I back to the wall, unable to hold the weight of both of us. I slide down it him willingly going with me, or maybe he cant even hold his own weight at the moment.
He is resting between my legs, leaving against my torso, face hidden in my neck. His arms are still around my waist holding me in a vice grip. This time my heart breaks for James. It's my turn to comfort him, be the strong one for once. Just like Carlos has been for me.
I hear a small sniff come from the brunet in my lap. I lean my cheek against the top of his head, holding him tighter to my chest. "It's ok, I've got you." It's barely a whisper.
That did it. I hear him whimper and his fingertips dig into my sides. I ignore the pain. I run my fingers through his hair and press a small kiss to the top of his head. His body begins to shake as he lets out his tears. I can feel them on my neck. I need to show him that I'm here for him. I need to tell him. I haven't ever called him anything other than his name. He calls me babe, and when he does my heart flutters. Since he does, he might like it if I do. I guess this is the best time as any. I have to call him something other than babe. My heart begins pounding again. I'm falling for him. Slowly. And I know it. I've stopped fighting him on a lot of things. This is my chance, I need to do it before I can convince myself otherwise. "I've got you love, I'm not going anywhere."
He stops, everything stops. The sniffling, the choking sobs, the shaking. My heart pounds in my chest. I want to run. I want to get away. He slowly pulls away from me, I can't look at him. I can't see whatever expression it is that he is wearing as he silently stares. I can feel my cheeks heating up. This is what I get for trying to be a good fucking human. I finally look up from under my eye lashes. His face is shocked, tears still wet on his red cheeks. Even now he is is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't hav-"
I don't get to finish my sentence. His lips are on mine, hard and fast. My breath is stuck in my throat. His hands are on either side of my neck, pulling me into him. I pull away to catch my breath and he takes the time to straddle my lap. He presses his lips back to mine. This time gentle. The way our lips connect is like we are made for each other…Since when did I get so sappy? I don't give a fuck. I place my hands on his hips gripping tightly. Holding him in place. Not letting this end. I let my head fall back on the wall and his lips are attached to my neck. Sucking light, and hopefully not leaving any evidence of this happening. He bites down and all thoughts leave. A groan escaping against my will. I pull his hips closer to mine. His hands make their way to my hair and he pulls, forcing me to give him more skin.
There's a knock on the door and we both jump apart. I gather my shit, the fog still clouding my mind, breath ragged and heart racing. "We're coming." I snap, pissed that we were interrupted but realizing it was a damn good thing.
Hoping that no one heard the sounds James pulled from me I look at him. He is watching me, waiting for me to move. I stand and reach out for him. He grabs onto my hand and I pull him up. I stumble forwards but am able to regain my footing, holding us both up, miraculously.
I move towards him and place my hand on his cheek. "I can come over tonight, as soon as work is over." What if he doesn't want that dipshit? "If you want."
He nods a small sad smile gracing his lips, "Please."
"Ok."
IT WILL PASS
We were able to pull ourselves together long enough to get through the next couple hours of our 12 hour shift. Carlos dropped me off at home. I took a quick shower, changed into night clothes, there's no reason to wear anything nice since it's going on 8:00 at night.
As I drive I pull out my cigarettes, lighting it up. I turn on the radio, Take Your Time by Sam Hunt blaring through the speakers. Reminding me of what scares me about James. Am I just a prize he is trying to win? I shake the thought's out of my head, my bangs falling into my eyes. I flip them back into their designated spot. I take a drag of my cigarette changing the station. I sing along with the a James Arthur song.
When I get to James' house I pull up behind his car. I climb the stairs cautiously and quietly open the front door. He had told me to just come in when I got here, I don't have to knock anymore and that I'm always welcome. That should count for something.
I toe off my shoes and head to the living room where James is sitting on the couch. He is playing on his phone. I come up behind the couch and look over his shoulder. He is playing candy crush…really. "God, you suck!" He snorts as I stand up and move around the front of the couch to sit.
He puts his phone down and picks up the cup off the coffee table. He takes a sip before holding it out to me.
I lean away from the glass, eyebrow cocked, studying him. "What is it?" I can't help the disgust in my voice. I know there are calories involved. You would never guess the amount this beautiful man eats. I don't know how he looks the the way he does.
He rolls his hazel eyes before moving it closer to me. "It's not poison, babe. I took a sip."
There's that word again. The one that makes me lose my resolve. The one that gives me the fluttering in my stomach and the pounding in my chest. I hesitantly take the glass from him. Looking inside, it's orange. Doesn't leave it to much of a mystery. I look up at him "Orange Juice?"
"Try it and you'll find out." I could tell he was getting aggravated with my stubbornness by the tone of his voice.
"Fine." I huff before taking a small sip. I all but gag on it. "What the fuck is that!?" I yell after forcing the bitter liquid down my throat. "It burns!"
He lets out a soft chuckle. "It's tequila." He takes the cup back and takes a sip of his own. "It's amazing."
"I thought you said it wasn't poison?" I protest after wiping the remainder off my lips with the back of my hand. "Last I checked, alcohol is poison."
He stands up still holding his glass and heading towards the kitchen. I pull my knees up to my chest, getting comfy on the couch. This man is to much. I let out a small laugh at how ridiculous he could be. My thought's flash back to the day we had. The way he looked at me with those blood shot eyes, his tear stained cheeks that were still flushed. The amount of relief they held when I offered to come over tonight. I was temporally able to put my heart back together. The flashes of Ottie looking up at James. Begging him to save his life once again with those big brown eyes.
I'm knocked into reality when James knocks my knee with a cup. I see his other hand is occupied with the one he was holding before heading to the kitchen. I'm assuming this is for me. At this point I need it. Fuck the calories for once. One night of letting go of the counting isn't gonna kill me. Plus all I had was that salad. It's not going to set me back enough to make that big of a difference. I take it before straightening out.
"I didn't make yours as strong as mine." He says as he sits next to me.
Yeah, right. "And why should I believe you?" As soon as the words leave my mouth and the hurt flashes across his features I regret it, so much for me trying to not be a dick. It's gone in a flash though, and I back pedal, "Thank you, you shouldn't have." I take a sip. And really it wasn't nearly as strong. I let out an unexpected moan. The taste of the orange juice that I haven't had in over 2 years, the warmth of the tequila going down to my stomach and spreading through my body. "This is amazing."
He lets out a laugh before he turns on Forrest Gump. A classic. Before I know it he has brought the bottles out to the living room so he didn't have to keep leaving. I'm 2 glasses deep and him 3. I'm a giggling mess. I know I should be embarrassed but this is the most fun I have had in such a long time.
I stand up off the couch, a bit wobbly. I haven't had this much energy in a long time. I pull James towards the door, "where are we going? We cant drive!" He protests.
"I know, I need a cigarette. I don't normally smoke unless I'm stressed but apparently it's a different story when my boyfriend gets me drunk." As soon as I realize the words are out of my mouth it's like the world slows down. I'm staring at my feet trying to get them into my tennis shoes. My breathing become rapid and my heart flutters. My boyfriend. Thats right. We did have that conversation.
He standing at the door. Holding the handle expectantly, a small smirk on his face. "Having some trouble?" His voice is full of amusement.
The second one finally slides on, "Nope, lets go." I walk in the straightest line that I can manage as I head to my car. I fumble for the keys in my hoodie pocket and unlock my car. I grab my cigarettes out of the centre council along with the light and head back to the porch where James is sitting in one of the chairs. He's watching me eyebrow cocked. "I got tis." I slur out. I pull a cigarette from the pack and go to set it on the table between us, missing completely. I stare down at the pack for a moment before putting the cigarette between my lips. I try to light it but not success.
"This is painful, give me it." James reaches over and snatches both items from me before taking my previous position and easily lighting my cigarette. He hands it back before leaning down and picking up the dropped pack. He pulls one out and lights it before looking back at me. I haven't moved and I'm staring, "What? You think I don't have my own list of bad habits? I wouldn't be sitting out here in the cold with you if I didn't want one too."
"Well, aren't we just a bundle of surprises?" I say sarcastically before starting on my own cancer stick.
After we finish James is ushering me inside. He turns off the lights as we head through the house towards the bedroom. James shuts the door behind me. I rip off my hoodie, careful to not let it take my long sleeve shirt with it. I climb into James' bed and under the covers before I notice that he is stripping to his boxers. Their a blue and black plaid. They hug his hips perfectly and I want to put my lips there. I lick my dry lips as my eyes travel north over his toned ables and his defined chest. It's all perfect. I bite my lip and once I reach his eyes, that are watching me. He has a cheesy smirk on his face, I feel my face flush as red as a tomato. Oh, fuck, why me?
"Like what you see?" He asks a eyebrow raised.
Well, there isn't any point in lying. Letting go of my bottom lip I just nod.
He turns off the light and crawls under the covers with me and I watch every move. I can feel all the heated blood rushing to my groin. I can't help myself when I lean over James. My cold hand on his warm stomach. I look down at him in the dim light coming from the window. "Gorgeous." I breath it out over his lips before I gently press mine to his.
The arm that was behind his head is now on the side of my face. His other hand now flat over the one I have on his stomach. I try to deepen the kiss but he is slowly rolling us over. Me now on my back, him hovering over me. He grabs my hip and pulls it off the bed, bringing my body closer to his. The kiss begins to turn heated and needy. My hands are in his hair, I need something to hold onto. I can't believe this. My mind is blown that a man like James would want someone like me. Is touching someone like me this way. I think my body is almost perfect but it's not there yet. It's my own personal hell, being stuck between thinking I can't stand him feeling just bone, it's embarrassing and I can't stand him having any bit of fat to hold onto, it's embarrassing.
I attempt to push the negative thoughts aside. Focus on what I'm feeling, what James is doing to me, how his skin feels on my own. Wait! His hand is slowly sneaking up my shirt. Resting on my skin in the space between my ribs and my hip. "James." I breath out. It's all I can muster with his lips traveling over my adams apple. I pull my hands from his hair and try to pull the hem of my shirt back down. His hand doesn't move.
He pushes himself up on one hand so he can look down at me. "Whats wrong?" Worry is plastered all over his face.
I hesitate but I can't let him see me. I can't let him see what is under my clothes. The bones and the slight pudge that I hold onto. "Please leave the shirt."
"Oh, Kendall." Carlos comes to mind. When he saw my shirt off in the bedroom. The sad look in his eyes. The same look James is giving me right now. Guilt washes over me. My emotions are a fucking roller coaster. "Your the gorgeous one. Your the one that deserves everything I'm trying to give you." a second flashback. When Carlos kissed me in the car. When he told me these exact things. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect." Oh, the things you don't know.
With that, he dips his head down, tongue on my neck. Hand creeping up my side along with my shirt. I don't fight it this time. I let it happen. If he can say the exact thing Carlos said to me and seem like he truly means it, maybe I can give him my trust, just as I trust Carlos. And that was the sign I needed to give myself to James.
I pant as his lips have traveled to the skin he has just revealed. His tongue now traveling down the centre of my stomach just under the concave of my ribs. My shirt is now pushed up to my nipples and I can feel the cool air reacting with my hot skin. He bites down on the point of my hip and I let out a strangled moan, his actions going straight to my now erect organ, my hips bucking.
He moves back up my torso to whisper in my ear, "I found your weak spot."
And that he had, I didn't even know I had it. James pulls away and sits back on his knee's. He takes hold of the waist of my sweatpants. It takes everything in me not to protest. I let him remove them, leaving me in a shirt that is almost off and a pair of purple boxers. He leans back over me to kiss my stomach once more. They are light and loving. Until he begins to lick and it sends shivers down my spine. "James, don't tease."
Without a word he removes my shirt from over my head gently. He wiggles his way in between my legs. He stays on his hands and knees, the only parts of us touching are my thighs against his, his hands on either side of my head, "Is this ok?" He's asking permission? I've never had anyone do that.
His face is relaxed, his body seeming the same way, breathing even. Though, I can see the lust in his eyes that have turned dark. The way he is biting his bottom lip gently. I know he wants the contact just as bad as I do.
"Yeah," I grab his hips and I pulled them down to mine. The moment our erections make contact, even through the fabric, I groan and he lets out a hiss.
I don't waste any time. I begin moving my hips against his. Creating the friction I didn't know I needed so desperately.
James leans his forehead against mine. Staring into my eyes. His hips start to move in time with mine. Our pace moderate. Not rushed, but enough to give us to pleasure we crave. We both start to turn into moaning messes. And let me tell you, the sounds that come out of him are as beautiful as he is. As honest as he has seemed to be with me this entire time. I reach up and cup his face with one hand, keeping the other on his hip. "Fuck, James."
"You feel so good, babe." As soon as the words are out of his mouth his lips are one mine. Gentle and caring. Light but passionate. I feel the tears I had held back earlier in the bathroom coming back. The emotions of the day hitting me harder than a bus. I don't even have a chance to stop them. they travel down the sides of my face and onto the pillow beneath me.
James begins to move his hips faster, pushing against me harder. I feel the pleasure building, a tightness happening in my stomach as I come closer to the edge. "James, please." I bite my lip to muffle a moan I cant keep in.
I bring both hand back to his hips and dig my fingernails into the skin, pulling him down roughly on me. Forcing me to give the the friction I'm asking for, and I simultaneously buck into him. "Kendall, I'm gonna cum." He drops his head to crook of my neck. Breath hitting my shoulder.
I think back to how the word "love" affected him earlier that day. "Come for me, love. Let go." I trail my fingertips up his spine. At that he pushes down on me one more time hard. He moans out my name before he bites down on my shoulder. Removing a loud choked moan from me. We ride out or orgasms together.
After we have semi caught our breaths James rolls off of me. He hooks his arm around the back of my neck bringing me into the side of him. He reaches off the side of the bed and grabs his dirty shirt from the floor where he had left it. "Here, take off your boxers." I do as he says before handing him the shirt and him doing the same. I guess that's as good as it's gonna get tonight before we can shower.
He throws it on the floor before he looks down at me. I look up at him and his brow furrows. "Hey, whats wrong? Are you crying?" Now it's my turn to let the dam break. I throw myself into him, tangling my legs with his, wrapping my arm around his waist, burying my face in his shoulder.
I don't lie to him this time, the memories of Carlos telling me to stop hurting him by pushing him away, "I'm scared of being hurt. I just want you so bad."
He sits up so he can look down at me once more, "Hey, I'm not going to hurt you. I've worked to hard for whatever little trust you can give me to throw it away. I care about you, Kendall. Don't forget that."
All I can do is not. He seems satisfied as he lays back down and pulls me back into him as tight as he can.
Phew, that was a lot to take in! Please let me know what you think with a review. We have moved onto the second half of this story! I'm excited to continue. I hope you guys are as well.