I'm the Mess That You Wanted Chapter 9: Dancing With Our Hands Tied, a game of thrones fanfic

Chapter 9

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Dancing With Our Hands Tied by Taylor Swift

I, I loved you in secret / First sight, yeah, we love without reason / Oh, twenty-five years old / Oh, how were you to know, and / My, my love had been frozen / Deep blue, but you painted me golden / Oh, and you held me close / Oh, how was I to know

I could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets / Picture of your face in an invisible locket / You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it / I had a bad feeling / And darling, you had turned my bed into a sacred oasis / People started talking, putting us through our paces / I knew there was no one in the world who could take it / I had a bad feeling

But we were dancing / Dancing with our hands tied, hands tied / Yeah, we were dancing / Like it was the first time, first time / Yeah, we were dancing / Dancing with our hands tied, hands tied / Yeah, we were dancing / And I had a bad feeling / But we were dancing

I, I loved you in spite of / Deep fears that the world would divide us / So, baby, can we dance / Oh, through an avalanche? / And say, say that we got it / I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted / Oh, 'cause it's gravity / Oh, keeping you with me

I could've spent forever with your hands in my pockets / Picture of your face in an invisible locket / You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it / I had a bad feeling

I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down / I'd hold you as the water rushes in / If I could dance with you again / I'd kiss you as the lights went out / Swaying as the room burned down / I'd hold you as the water rushes in / If I could dance with you again

Dancing with our hands tied, hands tied / Yeah, we were dancing / Like it was the first time, first time / Yeah, we were dancing / Dancing with our hands tied, hands tied / Yeah, we were dancing / And I had a bad feeling / But we were dancing / Hands tied, hands tied

Sansa - July 2017

Jon. Sansa woke up from a dream, the sunlight hitting her face.

She felt lighter these days, standing tall with more confidence. Her past was now behind her. She felt that the Petyr Baelish drama helped. It was like she got rid of the last piece of trash that made up her awful past. She agreed to a few blind dates her coworkers wanted to set her up with. She no longer feared hurting a guy by her running away. But they never went past the first dates. They weren't bad guys, a few may have even had some potential. But Sansa just didn't feel it. She didn't feel what she instantly had with Jon when they reunited at Robb's engagement party. But she wanted to be fair to herself and give other guys a chance.

Lately though, she had been having dreams about Jon. Sometimes it was like reliving a day or night of theirs, like it was a movie playing in her mind. Sometimes, like today's dream, it was just little snippets of him. His grey eyes, dark curly hair. The smile that once seemed so rare on him but became frequent when he was happy with her.

She was missing him more and more. They had no contact since she said goodbye to him almost a year ago. She would wonder what he was up to and if he'd moved on with someone who could give him what he wanted. She refrained from asking her family about him though, for her sake as she worked on herself. But Jon had been creeping into her mind more often now.

She opened up Instagram, wishing Jon had it so she could see what he was up to. She spotted a picture Arya posted of her and Gendry kissing, which seemed very unlike her. She decided to call her sister and find out how things were going back home.

"Hey, Sis!" Arya exclaimed as she picked up her phone.

"Soooooo, how are you and Gendry?" Sansa asked immediately.

"Ugh, stop it!"

"Seriously, Ar, how are you guys? You two look so in love in your picture."

"We're good. Great actually. I didn't think I was cut out for this sappy love shit, but it turns out I'm quite comfortable with it," Arya laughed.

"Good. I'm happy for you. When's the wedding?" Sansa teased.

"Slow your roll, lady, that's not happening yet!"

"Ahhhh, 'yet'?"

"Shut up. Have I told you how proud I am of you for taking Baelish down?"

"Trying to change the subject, huh? And you've told me about hundred times, crazy," Sansa said with a laugh. Arya had been ecstatic with how Sansa had handled the whole situation.

"Well, I can't say it enough. You've done me proud. As soon as I found out, I realized we're actually blood related. That was some Arya-style spy-assassin shit!"

"You're such a dork. But I am proud of myself too."

"How are things over there? When are you coming back home. We haven't seen you in ages."

"Everything's going swimmingly over here actually. But I am missing home. It'll be a year next month and they like me here. They're gonna give me an option to sign on here and stay. Or I can come back home."

"Please tell me you're coming back home."

"Haven't quite decided yet. As much as I like it here, I am leaning towards home though. I miss it. I miss you guys. Margaery's gonna have the baby soon and I wanna be around to be his favorite auntie."

"Absolutely not, that's my job! So does that mean you're thinking about coming home-home. Not San Diego-home?" Arya asked hopefully.

"Possibly. I never thought I'd witness you wanting me to be around," Sansa said with a laugh.

"Well you're bad ass now, you're on my level. And you know I miss you so shut up." Arya laughed and then paused. "You know you can ask me about him, right?"

"I didn't want to make it awkward for anyone since you all are so close to him." Sansa said sheepishly. "How is he?"

"He's good. He came back home from San Diego a week after you left. I don't think he was able to stick around there with you being gone. For a while I'd see him from time to time but he didn't really come by the house very often. His smiles went back to being rarely seen. But he's been doing better now. We see him more often, especially after Robb and Marg announced they were having a baby. He wants to be a good uncle."

"I'm glad he's doing better. He deserves to be happy. Has - has he found anyone?"

"He's pretty private about that stuff so I'm not too sure. Robb had mentioned to me that Jon met up with Ygritte while she was in town."

"Oh." Sansa tried to hide her disappointment.

"I don't think they're back together or anything, she went back home to Alaska," Arya hurriedly said.

"I just want him to be happy."

"He is, Sansa, don't worry about him. How are you?" Arya asked, placing care in her voice.

"I'm good. I'm happy. I think I'm better again actually."

They talked for a long time, catching up on their lives. When they hung up, Sansa felt so happy, she finally felt close to her sister. But it made her miss home even more.

Later that night, she let her mind wander back to Jon. She thought of how they liked each other secretly since reuniting at the engagement party. How he had even liked her since they were young. She thought of herself spilling out her past to him and yet, instead of finding her damaged and flawed, he saw through that and saw her strength. He held her that night and it was like he unfroze her. Funny. Someone with the last name of Snow unfroze me, she thought with a smile. She remembered how he would often put his hands in her back pockets of her jeans, pulling her closer to his body, or sliding one hand into her back pocket as they walked side by side. I could spend forever like that. She thought of how she could stay in bed with him all day and night. Her bed in San Diego and at the La Jolla house turned into magical places for her. She didn't know it could be so good.

She thought of how he told her nothing would stop him from wanting her. But her bad feelings got in the way. She thought she could get past them with Jon by her side, he made her happy and she went on like nothing was wrong. Even in the end, she was a mess but she was a mess that he wanted.

She thought of how she had hurt him and the pain in his eyes. She made herself feel better for what she did, telling herself that yes, she could have stayed with him, wrapped in his arms as her past eventually burned everything around them. But it wouldn't have been right, she had to let him go before it got too serious.

She thought of their last night together, dancing at that bar. He spun her around, kissed the top of her head. She knew he hated dancing but it seemed like he didn't want it to end. During the last song, she felt a stab in her heart. She had realized it was love mixed with her pain and dread. The thought that she loved him made a tear fall from her eye but she hurriedly brushed it away so he wouldn't see. She had to be strong for herself and him that night.

But if only I could dance with him again.