Maura is human guys. She has been through alot, and loving Jane, and feeling like she cant have her is taking a toll. Also, Please dont get used to the frequency of these updates. Im on too much Caffeine and woke up way too late in the day.
Maura threw herself onto her bed still dressed in her clothes. The only thing she had remembered to remove were her shoes. She didn't even remember falling asleep, darkness over took her world as soon as she hit the mattress. It was dark when her body scrambled from her bed, and she curled into a corner sobbing and frantic. She jumped when Angela slammed her door open. She was a huddled mass of Maura in the corner whimpering like a little girl. Once the older woman got over the initial shock she slid her back down the wall and pulled the doctor into her arms. Maura fell into the woman's space and lay her head on Angela's thighs finding her center with each stroke of her hair and every deep breath she inhaled.
"Where is Jane?" Maura finally asked with a broken voice.
"I took her and the guys coffee before I shut down the shop for the evening in the Homicide Bullpen," Angela replied. Maura shut her eyes against the sound of Angela's voice. It wasn't like Jane's, but it was close. There was a raspy no hold bared honestly to their voices. Maybe its because they both never lied to her and both women shared that vocal rasp... to an extent.
"She is safe," Maura sighed and then rolled her body slightly and looked up into Angela's eyes. She saw fear and noticed the woman go tense. Maura sat up and took Angela's hands.
"No, No, you said Jane was ok remember," Maura searched Angela's eyes and the woman nodded then focused on her.
"Then why would you say that scaring a mother like that?" Angela let a sigh escape lightly slapping Maura with the back of one of her hands then brush an errant tear that slipped from her eyes.
"Angela," Maura put her back to the same wall and tilted her head back, "I have been having dreams," Maura began. Angela's hand slid over to Maura's.
"From what I came in on it sounded like a nightmare," Angela shook Maura's hand bringing hazel eyes to hers, "She is ok. I saw her before I left. Now tell me why I came home and heard you screaming up here, and then found you in a corner huddled like Jane when she used to have nightmares," Angela ordered the young woman only as a mother could. Maura closed her eyes. She was not ready for Angela to know this, or anyone for that matter.
"These dreams…," Angela began hoping the doctor would fill in the blanks. After a few moments she found that Maura would be tight lipped. So as any mother would, she used all her tools to her advantage. Maura could not lie.
"Is Janie in your dreams?" Angela whispered. She felt the woman beside her tense and then sigh.
"You Rizzoli's need to stop using my inability to lie against me," Maura grumbled.
"Jane is the only one who really does it, Maura. She would have my head knowing I'm doing to you," Angela smiled drawling a smile from Maura's lips.
"She is rather protective, isn't she?' Maura grinned standing up and held her hand down for the other to help her up, "Lets get a drink. We might need one," Maura said as she helped the other woman from the floor. Angela took her hand gladly.
"Thank God. My back was beginning to kill me," Angle walked behind Maura, "I'm rather old to be doing this for grown women, but if I have grandbabies…. It would be nice," Angela said watching the doctor.
She noticed many things. She was not stupid, and most of her meddling yielded magnificent results, especially with Jane and Maura. Maura was peculiar to say the least. She had the love of her life, lost the love of her life, but she never looked at him the way she looked at her Jane. Same way with Jane, and Casey. She loved that boy, but something was not quite right. In Angela's opinion Jane would be settling for Casey. She deserved Maura. At first the idea of her daughter, her oldest, her pride and joy being a lesbian gave her pause. However, Jane, to her knowledge, has never been with another woman. But with all her pushing, her meddling, and her set ups, Angela felt Maura was more her child than any of those other suitors.
She would accept this relationship, and fight tooth and nail for their happiness. The quirky doctor wormed her may not only in to Jane's heart, but into Angela's as well. She simply loved the woman like her own, therefore she claimed Maura as part of her brood. She never told her that though. She wasn't sure how to tell Maura something so simple and true yet fundamentally shifting and how it would affect her. Living with Maura, Angela picked up on a lot of things, like Maura's unlimited capacity to love, but not knowing how to be loved in return, or what to do with said love. She also knew that the two women would balk and flounder and tiptoe around the revelation. Just like they were doing now.
They sat in the high chairs at the island counter in the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey before them. Angela raised an eye brow as Maura poured at least three fingers in their tumblers each.
"Are you alright, Hon?" Angel asked. Maura was a wine woman, whiskey was a large shift from the reddish blonde woman's norm.
"Yes," Maura answered and then Angela saw Maura nonchalantly rub the inside of her arm scratching a small area trying to make Angela not notice.
"You haven't answered my question from before. Don't think I haven't noticed that," Angela said as she took a tiny sip of the hard alcohol. When the liquor hit her lips and tongue she blinked and took a slightly larger sip. It was good, better than any she had ever had. She spun the bottle, she inwardly scoffed. It was a 200$ bottle of whiskey, of course it was good.
"Yes," Maura said flatly bringing Angela back to the conversation.
"Tell me about them, dear," Angela said keeping her space from Maura, letting the woman look into space, collecting her thoughts.
"I don't think I can," Maura whispered as her mind flashed to her dreams.
Every single one of them played like it was on a film reel in her mind. The good, bad, erotic, horrific, the ones where Jane told her she loved her. They flew across her mind. Her thoughts where broken when a tissue was placed in her hand. Angela looked at her with those motherly eyes and swept Maura's messy hair from her face and waited. Maura finally felt the chill on her cheek and dabbled at her tear streaked face and then her eyes.
"Powerful, aren't they?" Angela asked.
"What?" Maura asked taking a sip of her drink and winced slightly. Angela winced for her. It was a big sip.
"Dreams, my dear," Angela slowly placed a hand on Maura's back, "I dream all the time, mostly about Jane. She is so reckless. I dream uniformed men come to my door, and tell me she is gone," Angela confided. Maura let a ball of air push from her and her hand went to her chest as one of her dreams was shared by another. She couldn't breathe, her lips were moving, but she couldn't hear her own words, and a rush of blood filled her ears.
"I cant, I cant, I cant," Angela pulled Maura too her as she broke speaking those words over and over. It seemed that they shared at least one fear. Soon Maura regained her breath.
"Do you love my daughter?" Angela asked and felt the woman in her arms tense and sit up straight looking from Angela, but Angela would not let her retreat, "No, look at me Maura," Angela said as she cupped Maura's chin with her fingers and pulled her face to see Angela. Angela let her grasp release Maura's chin as their eyes held.
"It is ok," Angela said softly, and Maura gasped as she looked at Angela. She looked for any of the facial tics, or muscle tension to see a lie, judgement, or emotion. What she saw was the Rizzoli matriarch telling her she could love Jane. It would be accepted, and allowed, and she would be ok with them.
"Yes," Maura whispered and then sighed, a huge weight off her chest and chuckled as Angela clapped her on her back.
"Well this is cause for a drink, lets toast," Angela grinned as she filled up their tumblers halfway each, Maura almost protested, but Angela shushed her, "Here's to dreams, the good the bad, the terrifying, and the hope that some never come true, some stay dreams, and some become a reality."
Their classes clinked and they both took deep soothing sips. Maura sighed and relaxed against the island and rested her arm on the counter top and leaned her head on her hand looking at Angela.
"I dreamed she was pinned down against a table by her hands with my own scalpels, in my morgue, and all I could do was watched as she was tortured. Then he came after me," Maura said firmly getting it out. She watched as Angela paled and then looked at her, lips open, breathing, steady but shallow, and her eyes wide open in horror.
"I'm calling Jane," Angela said as she pulled out her phone. Maura let her. She didn't have the energy to stop the stubborn woman or try to talk sense into her. As Angela hung up with Jane, questions answered, and could she spend the night tonight in the guesthouse. She pulled the mom card and told her she missed her daughter and needed to make sure she was safe. Something just told her to be there. Jane fell for it, naturally, with some banter back and forth, naturally, but Angela looked to Maura.
"She will stay here in your guest room," Angela stated with no room for argument. Maura nodded, and released a sigh.
"Thank you," Maura said, "After that episode I would really like to see her, make sure she is alright," Maura confessed but Angela didn't miss the way she bit her lower lip.
"You are in love with my daughter, had a dream where she was brutalized, of course you want to see her, and after hearing that dream I want to see my kid too," Angela smiled and knocked her shoulder with Maura's chair then took a sip.
"I never said I was in love with her, Angela," Maura said sitting up her eyes narrowing.
"You didn't have to, Honey. You didn't have to," Angela took another sip and then took a chance, "Are all the dreams like this one? Are they nightmares?"
Maura smiled softly as she remembered the dream from that morning. The way Jane leaned into her, whispered she loved her while playing the piano just for her. It was perfect, it was very definition of perfection for Maura. Jane playing a piano, and loving her, only her, in love with her.
"No, sometimes they are very sweet," Maura said and then looked at Angela, "She played the piano last night. I don't think I was supposed to tell you that, but when she played it was bliss, just wonderful. I heard from you and Frankie she was good, but I just thought it would have been familial pride. But no, she is amazing, even with limited mobility in her hands," Maura rambled, but Angela just listened. She learned a long time ago that if you let Maura talk, sometimes she will just spill out her entire world to you, trust you.
"Well, when I got home, got to bed it took some time to get to sleep, but when I finally got to sleep this dream she was playing the piano in an empty auditorium, just for me," Maura smiled, she would keep the rest of the dream to herself.
"I have a moron for a child Maura," Angela said chuckling when Maura opened her mouth to invalidate Angela's remark, but Angela stopped her, "but my moron, loveable, moron Jane, will figure it out. Please be patient."
With those words Angela stood, and poured the rest of her drink into Maura's glass. Maura stared with wide eyes and it took her a few moments but when Angela turned the door knob on the doors to take her to the guest house Maura blurted out.
"What do you mean she will figure it out?" Maura almost stood on the lower rungs of the chair trying to go after Angela.
"I have a suspicion you aren't the only one in this Maura," Angela grinned mischievously.
"No, Angela do not interfere," Maura pointed at the woman who smiled brightly, "No Angela do not…" then the door opened. Angela and Maura looked over to the front door and there stood Jane.
"Finally, she drove you nuts enough to yell at her," Jane joked. But she saw Maura's face, and then looked at her mother's smile. Jane saw her mother traverse the space and take her in her arms.
"Ma, you ok? What's wrong?" Jane asked as she let her mother clutch Jane to her frame. Angela shook her head and then pulled back and grasped Jane's cheeks with her palms looking in to her daughter's eyes.
"Nothing Jane, I just needed to see you," Angela walked away and toward the doors.
"Ma, I thought I was staying with you," Jane shouted.
"Maura convinced me to let you stay here," Angela smiled to Maura and then Jane shifted her gaze to Maura who had not stopped looking at her. She shifted from foot to foot and placed a hand on her hip anxious. Angela smiled and made her exit.
Maura slowly stood leaving her drink on the counter top and walked slowly to Jane. She never paused, she never stopped, but it wasn't rushed, and it wasn't a collision. It was a meeting of two bodies as Maura approached Jane, and Jane never hesitated. Arms went around each woman and it was Jane that placed a kiss on Maura's head and rocked them back and forth. Maura hung on for dear life. She was there, in her arms. She was safe, and sound, and physically undamaged.
"Are you ok? Was it the dreams again?" Jane asked. Maura pulled back enough to look into Jane's deep dark eyes and she tilted her head. Jane smiled softly.
"I know you Maur. I know when you can't sleep, and I know when something is bothering you. You said you have been having dreams," Jane's smile dropped at the thought of talking about dreams where she was a key player. She wasn't sure if she could handle anything BIG, but she would try for Maura. Maura let her go and walked back to the island to her drink. She saw Jane lift her eyebrow and pour half her drink into Angela's left tumbler. Jane nodded and took a sip, winced and hummed her appreciation of the drink. She spun the bottle to see the label. Daughter like mother, Maura thought.
"Yes," Maura answered and then took a deep sip from her glass and sighed, "It was a nightmare. Your mother heard me screaming and raced up the stairs to find me in the corner of my bedroom," Maura told the truth. Jane's arms came around her shoulder and pulled her to her. Maura fell in to the pull and sighed.
"What else? Ma would not have called if it was nothing," Jane said rubbing small circles in Maura's shoulder only to feel a loss when Maura pulled away from her and sat straight up.
"I don't know if I can…" Maura began but Jane grasped her hand. She held it, and Maura could feel the warmth in her skin and she closed her eyes. Jane was there, it was only a dream. She opened her eyes and stared unfocused into the space.
"I dreamed you were pinned down against my morgue table by your hands with my own scalpels, and all I could do was watch as he tortured you. Then he came after me," Maura relived the dream again and again. She could taste the blood on her tongue and feel the blast of pain as she was struck across her cheek. She felt her heart rip from her chest as she sat tied to another table and watched the life in Jane's eyes slip away as she looked over to Maura.
"Jane, He… I…" Maura felt her breathing skip, jump, and air would not fill her lungs. She felt hands on her and she slapped at them as she saw those dead eyes in her mind bore into hers. She fought hands clutching at her, trying to take her hands and pin her. Then it happened, something unexpected and absolutely extraordinary.
Something brushed against her lips, soft and tasted faintly of mint Chapstick. Too soon it was gone but Maura sighed into the clutch, and closed her eyes, she leaned back and felt the heat of Jane's body behind her holding her, but what took her from her broken mental state where the words in her ear as she began to come to.
"I'm here, its ok sweetheart, I'm here, Love," Jane's whispered words soothed her broken thoughts, and ripped her soul apart only to sow it back together with those warm, whispered endearments. Maura turned her head and pulled away slightly to look at Jane. Her eyes wide, her lips separate.
"Did you just kiss me?" Maura asked lowly as if someone might hear. She saw Jane reel back her comfort like a fisherman would pull back his hook from the water. Maura reached out for Jane's arm, placing her palm on her forearm.
"You were freaking out. You wouldn't let me help you, and you kept swatting away my hands," Jane replied defensively. Maura nodded.
"So, you kissed me?" Maura asked once more. Jane rubbed a hand to the back of her neck and Maura watched as Jane fell further and further away. Maura turned and then pulled Jane's arms back around her. Jane at first didn't respond, unsure. Maura held her breath and waited. Finally, Jane's arms tightened about her, held her.
"Thank you," Maura whispered. Jane nodded. Her head against her ear.
"Its ok, I'm here, everything will be ok," Jane felt the need to tell the woman in her arms it was ok. She was going to make it ok.
OOOooooOOOooo
Later that night Jane was woken up by a beep from her phone. She looked at the display. Ava Crowe had a brother. Detective Darren Crowe. She thanked Frost and told him to get some sleep. She put the phone on the bedside table to keep charging. She lay back against her pillows. Shit, Crowe's sister is dead, and she has to tell him. Shit, shit, shit, double shit.
She looked to her left. There was a shift, and a sigh. Maura didn't tell Jane where she was going to sleep. They went about their evening rituals of showers, and brushing teeth. Jane went to check on Maura once more. Maura would not let her go. They lay side by side, the same way they did when Jane reached out for Maura the night Jane found out Hoyt escaped the first time. Maura turned on her side and curled into Jane. It broke Jane's heart. She slipped her arm under Maura's shoulders and held Maura to her. Maura's head rest on her chest. Maura commented about how strong Jane's heart beat was. Jane chucked a thank you but before she knew it her friend was asleep listening to her heart. Jane lay there, long into the night thinking of Maura, their friendship, the dreams. Finally, she slipped to sleep. Then the message came through.
When she looked at Maura who eased away from Jane's hot body in the night Jane felt her whole-body shift and settle. She kissed her earlier, and she would never apologize. She reached out to touch the woman, feel her warmth on her back through her pajama shirt. Jane shifted to her side and stared at Maura's back never pulling her palm away from Maura.
How could Jane tell Maura she dreamed about her too?