Chapter 26:
The sound was like nothing Chelsea had ever heard before. The thunder! It even sounded like destruction. The roar rose to a crescendo, as the plump slime-person stood at the control-box. "It's one-quarter scale," she shouted! The rocket was starting to rise off the stand. As the nasty little customer looked on in fascination, the thing began to move. It had looked, momentarily, as if the thing wouldn't get off the ground. Chelsea had been prepared to terminate the bitch after all the treasure they'd spent rescuing her and providing her with the materials she needed.
Now, as she watched, the thing soared. It soared high into the sky. "I can get about eight-hundred miles," said Blargetha, as the thing roared out of sight. It was aimed at the empty wilderness to the northeast, but there was a pretty good chance it would land in Grid-Face Kingdom. Blargetha wasn't really sure how she felt about that. She wanted to be rescued from her rescuers honestly. She knew why they were doing this. There was only one reason they would be asking for such a machine. They wanted to launch something at their enemies, and Blargetha knew exactly what would happen when they succeeded.
The princesses would shit themselves.
Shortly after that, the world would blow up. Bonnie Bubblegum would unleash that fucking army. She'd tell Finn to unleash that fucking army, and this bitch would be toast–and everyone with her. Blargetha already had a lifetimes worth of bad karma against her. She very much risked this being the last straw. She was certain Finn would kill her then. He'd have no choice. If the rocket lands in Nadia's territory..., she thought? It was a mad thought. It was mad to think about rushing that ugly retaliation, but it was her hope of avoiding death at the hands of either her captors or their enemies. If Nadia's people found the wreckage, they'd be sure to tell their princess. Said princess would be sure to sic her honey on the problem. And then Finn would be here.
The Queen of Ooo said, "how long would it take you to build the full-size thing?" "I'd need more workers," Blargetha replied. "I'd need a bigger space to do it than you have here. I mean, we could clear out your ship, and that would be enough..." Chelsea glared at her. "The rocket's fragile," Blargetha replied. "If I do the work with the rocket on its side, I have to make it stronger, which makes it heavier, which shortens the distance it'll fly. If I do it with it standing up, that means I can make it a little lighter, but I need a very tall building or a crane or something." Chelsea muttered curses. The slime-woman replied, "it's science. It is what it is. I can't change the physics. I need a building and workers. And I'll need lots more metal. I don't know if you have people in Grid-Face kingdom, but I know fucking Nadia has titanium. I need some."
Chelsea counted to ten, her mind focusing on the goal. She wanted to blow up the Candy Kingdom. She wanted to level it with a bomb. "Ok," she muttered. "I'll get what you need. Make a list." Without another word, she stormed off. She could see Fedir waiting on her. Blargetha watched her go with a sigh of relief. Her mind was going to the possibilities now. She'd delivered. She'd brought them what they asked. It would take the bitch months to scrape together enough stolen titanium for even one rocket. She had time for her real project.
They'd never taken the phone back. She'd awakened with it in her pocket. That gave her the possibility of maybe building a transmitter. If she could build something with enough range–or even something that could reach Bonnie's satellite–she could call for her own rescue. It was madness, of a sort. If you'd told her she'd be working on her own recapture, she'd have said you were crazy. But that's where we are, Blargetha, thought the terrified princess. She would have given almost anything to be back in Finn's dungeon.
The nasty wax-person was now interrogating the man who'd come looking for her. "The marks are just two days out," he announced. He'd been sent to apprise the boss of just what was going on. The top henchman no longer trusted his safety around their master. He'd sent Fedir as his proxy with the hope that it was Fedir who would be the next to suffer the unstable little bitch's wrath. "And preparations," Chelsea demanded? Fedir replied, "we plan to ambush them in the caverns." The little bitch began to chafe her hands in unholy glee. She had them now! She was going to kill Finn the Human's son! Oh, the gnashing of teeth that would come from that!
Meanwhile, Simone Mertens sat arguing with Wizard City's Chief of Sanitation over his latest edict regarding magical waste. The loon had decided that every wizard in town should be using a magical portal to the 'outside' to dump the refuse from their experiments because cleaning up and treating said waste was too much trouble for him. It had begun to rain debris all over the civilized kingdoms–some of it toxic. Her fellow Royals were having a fit! She shuddered to think of how Finn would react when he found out.
Betty had twice had to keep her daughter in her seat, and the vein standing out on her temple was not Simone's best look. Of course, a part of Betty was grateful she hadn't ended up taking this fucking job because she would have been tempted to clean house months ago. Her daughter was a saint with the patience of Job. She'd said it, and she knew it was true. How else to explain how the younger woman hadn't frozen this city of the insane and simply walked into the sunset?
In the middle of Simone's tirade, her phone began to ring. Betty glanced at the annoying nuisance as it vibrated across the desk. The face there on the screen alerted her that this one was maybe one Simone better take. Shaking her daughter's shoulder, the older woman drew her attention to the phone on the desk. "I need to take this," muttered the irritated Grand Master. Betty turned to the garbage-man and said, "get out."
"Voletta," Simone greeted the woman on the other end of the line. "Voletta slow down..." The young wizard was running on non-stop. "What are you talking about," Simone demanded? "Where is Emeraude going?" Things went on in that vein for several moments before Simone started to sing. Betty stared at her a moment, and then she found herself going sleepy. She had to shake the effects of the spell off, and she was startled to realize that her child was casting a sleep-spell over the young nymph through the phone! Simone had become more powerful than even her father had been. "Now," said Simone, "tell me again what Emeraude is doing, Voletta. Start from the beginning."
She put the phone on speaker and set it down. As Voletta spoke in the wooden, emotionless tone that said she was hypnotized, Simone wrote down all the particulars. Only after Simone had heard the story twice and had time to ask detailed questions did the Grand Master release the Matriarch's Captain of the Guard. "Keep watch over the Council, Voletta," Simone commanded. "You understand what failure means..." "Yes, Milady," Voletta replied. The nymph hung up.
Betty rumbled, "you have a spy in Emeraude's kingdom?" "Not exactly," Simone replied. She was a little defensive about that. "Voletta and I have... common cause," she explained. Staring down at what she'd written, the tall woman rumbled, "dammit, Emeraude, what're you getting into now?" "What did she tell you," Betty asked? "I... heard the conversation, but I guess I don't understand..." "Emeraude's desperate for money, mom," Simone sighed. "Her predecessors were about as stupid as my garbage-collector. Her old boss ran the place more for her own ego than for the sake of the people who live there. Her mom ran the place to make money off the backs of her neighbors..." Simone shuddered. Her in-law had entirely deserved to die for what she'd done, but the idea of being torn limb-from-limb in the street... was pretty damned awful. "You're afraid she's walking into some kind of trap," Betty murmured.
"I don't trust this Gemma, mom," Simone replied. "I don't like her influence on Emeraude." Betty had heard some of what had been going on from Fionna. She didn't much like Gemma either. "So what're we doing," Betty asked? Blowing out a breath, Simone said, "I asked Voletta to warn me if she saw something that put Emeraude at risk. I swore that I... wouldn't butt in, but I'm going to have to break that promise..." Her eyes fell on the report from her ambassador. There was toxic basilisk-venom dust scattered all across Warrior Kingdom. She had to get that cleaned up. She couldn't be running around chasing Emeraude. Taking up the phone with a heavy-hearted sigh, she flicked through her contacts, coming up with Finn's number, praying he hadn't yet gone to bed.
Far from being asleep, the King of Ooo sat in a corner of a seedy bar, opposite a man who had information for him. He'd been asked to come alone. It was more of the same bullshit, but he'd hoped that maybe this guy would actually do a deal with him–information on the Bandit Princess in exchange for getting to keep on breathing. They'd been dancing around the subject of Finn's quest for the better part of an hour, and Finn had the distinct impression that this dufus thought he was going for a setup. Resting his chin on the heel of his left hand, Finn rumbled, "you do realize that I could kill you fifteen times before you could tap that hidden switch... Yeah... I know you've got it. My spies told me all about the setup. I have people in pretty low places..."
The startled thug just stared. At the same time, Finn's phone began to buzz. The big man pulled out the phone that they'd missed, literally tugging it out of his right forearm in a display that made the thug a little green with nausea. Sybil had been bugging him about doing things differently, so he'd obliged her a little by making her carry some of the weight.
Seeing the face on the screen, the big man let out a heavy sigh. Simone knew better than to call him with something dumb. Of all his wives, she was least likely to bug him while he was working. Flicking the phone open, he rumbled, "what's gone wrong now?" As Simone filled him in, he thrust a finger at the thug and a tendril of razor-sharp grass pierced his Adam's apple, leaving him choking on his own blood. "Some guy I been tryin'a get some information out of," Finn muttered. "No... S'ok. Wasn't getting anywhere. What's she doing? Does Cherry know? Babe, I'm kinda' stuck here..."
As the thug slid out of his chair and hit the floor, Finn murmured, "we said we wouldn't stick our noses in... Yeah... You're right. This... Things are getting kinda' crazy. I'll... I'm'a try'n get back tonight... Loves you. Bye." The big man hung up, and for several moments he sat there staring at the corpse on the floor but not really seeing it. He'd made some pretty awful threats regarding people trying to do his peeps. He'd hoped and prayed never to have to follow through. At the same time, he was a little worried it wouldn't be enough. Let's go see what's going on, he said. Rising, he dialed up Orzsebet. It was time to go home.
Back in the wastes east of Emerald Kingdom, the Bandit Princess stared in wonderment at what she was seeing. The strange board was a local affectation. She'd seen people playing this game, though never quite this way. "It acts a focus," the witch-doctor murmured. Peihong had almost forgotten he was here. "Emotion is a big part of our magic," the doctor explained. "I just needed to find something that triggered hers." The ogress had no fucking idea what he was talking about. Still, the results were pretty clear. The figures in the scene on the board were in some kind of cavern. The sights and sounds suggested the caverns where her prize might be hiding. "Excellent," the ogress declared. "Keep her going. I need to go deal with something." Chelsea was fucking up.
Leaving the witch-doctor's sanctum, the evil woman went up the hall, drawing out her phone once more to look at Damien's text. Chelsea had been warned repeatedly not to let her anger at their adversaries take over. Now the dumb bitch was trying to lure Finn's kid into a trap. She was going to throw down with one of the nastiest customers on Ooo, and Peihong halfway wanted to let her. She would be rid of her nasty little parasite. Chelsea's ratio of gain for pain was getting very close to zero right now.
Striding into her office, the nasty woman spent several long minutes pacing. Chelsea wasn't really capable of handling a threat like Billy the Human. Rumors said that he was now completely the thrall of one of the Ice Crowns. Damien had confirmed some of that. Billy had all of the power of his mother's lost crown flowing through him. "Don't go," rumbled Móguĭ. The half-demon was still standing there in the corner as if a statue. "You stand too much to risk," he advised. "Let me close things down." She knew how Móguĭ would have closed things down. He would have butchered Chelsea–maybe even sold her dirty soul to his master. He'd done that with another of Peihong's rivals. The ogress still shuddered as she thought of that. Death by snoo-snoo was a helluva way to leave the world.
Striding across the room, the evil creature took hold of his half-sister's chin. "I'm immune to the cold," he said. "He cannot touch me." "You want to kill him too," muttered Peihong. The Bandit Princess jerked away. Móguĭ chuckled in his usual evil manner. He wasn't doing this all of his own free will. He owed his master souls. If he delivered Billy the Human, that could settle his accounts for a year! "And you think you can kill him," she muttered? "I can," the half-demon replied. "Alright," said the ogress. "Kill him. Kill all with him. Get back here as you can." "It shall be done," said the half-demon, as he gave her a mocking bow before turning to go. Standing at the door, he said, "I might have a surprise for you when I return."
She found her heart beating fast as her brother's thunderous footsteps receded down the hall. It had been many, many years since he'd brought her a gift. She knew it would be something profound and grand that would confound her enemies, and she found she could hardly wait to see it. She was in great need of something to bring her courage these days when all she could see was Finn the Human's face getting ever closer.
As the Bandit Princess paced in her office, one of the subject's of her ire stood in a seedy, run-down train station at the edge of the Engagement Ring Kingdom. It was Huntress today. She'd shed the face of the Matriarch at the edge of the Grey Forest in favor of the tans and purples of her infamous costume. Her stomach was rumbling. She'd already run to the bathroom once today. She didn't want to run there again because her companions were getting nervous.
The train station was the kind of place where she'd spent too much of her life already. The guy in the corner was dealing Dust. The guy hanging out near the Men's Room was his muscle. Two drooling idiots had come in looking to score their deadly hits of Fruit-Witch Venom so they could crawl off somewhere to get high and maybe die alone. The man near the door looked like a slaver. His presence made the wizard very nervous. She was taking a leap into the unknown. She was putting her fledgling little kingdom at risk and risking her own ass too. Except she didn't risk the loss of a little money. She risked never seeing her precious babies again.
And they hadn't even left the civilized kingdoms!
That was the hell of all of this. They hadn't left the civilized kingdoms. There was every kind of scum here in this train station, and they were still in a kingdom that nominally policed its borders and kept the scum off the street. She'd seen pretty awful stuff happen in the bad-lands. She'd been involved in some of it. She wasn't sure she had that in her anymore. Twenty years as a housewife had wrought changes, and she knew she didn't have the edge she'd had. She'd gone soft. It was one of the reasons for changing into her old outfit. People were scared of the Huntress. Nobody was afraid of the Matriarch. She couldn't even keep the slavers out.
"The train's here, Mother," announced Gemma. The Huntress growled, "I told you not to call me that." They weren't in the Forest. They were in a bad, bad place, headed to a worse one. She should have arranged a flight on a Grid-Person airship or something. She should maybe have taken a boat. Gemma had insisted on the train, pointing out that the other options would have taken far too long. Shouldering her pack with a muttered curse, the unhappy wizard stepped off, headed for the platform, with half a dozen ugly mugs watching. With a gulp of terror, her sole bodyguard hustled to catch up.
Blargetha comes through... for the enemy. Huntress put's her foot in that trap, and Finn's on his way home at last.