Chapter 30:
"Well," said Orzsebet. "Isn't this cozy?"
Finn started awake. This wasn't the first time Orzsebet had found him this way. "I thought you learned to knock," the King of Ooo growled, as he climbed out from between the two women. His voice and the shaking of the bed woke the Emerald Princess, who squealed in shock and fear before she fell out of the bed. "Outside," Finn muttered, as the Agent Princess rose to her feet. With a smirk and a mocking little bow, the Lady of Spies turned and went out into the anteroom.
Gathering on a robe, Finn went outside to find his cunty nemesis standing at the window, staring out at the desert. "It wouldn't wait," she said. "Your in-law showed up this morning. The Grid-Face people found something that worried them on the edge of their territory." Even his voice seemed to frown, as Finn demanded, "what was it?" "A rocket," Orzsebet murmured. "Or so I'm told." "Blargetha," Finn muttered. It was Orzsebet's turn to frown, but Finn was already moving on. "Tell Piotr that I want to go to the site of the rocket...," he said, as he turned for the bathroom. "I'll be down in fifteen minutes. Stiffly, she said, "as you wish, my King." Without a further word, she strode across the room and out.
Finn was halfway to the bathroom when Alexia peeked out of the bedroom. "She's gone," he muttered. Alexia flushed to her hair, but Finn was already moving on. Striding into the bathroom, the big man ran the hot water in the sink, while he stood there a moment taking a good, long look at himself in the mirror. He was getting too old for this shit. That was what immediately struck him. He was getting much too old for this. He had to figure out a better way to do things. Instinct had served him well, but maybe it was time to finally find a new way to do business.
Aysun was gone when he emerged from the bathroom, showered and shaved. But then Aysun had, once again, done something stupid. She'd spent the last twenty years or so ducking responsibility for being foolish, and now, having never learned her lesson, she'd been stupid again. The good news? He had no interest in stealing from her. He didn't want her wealth, and he had more power than he really wanted already. He only cared that the emeralds she controlled weren't used to foster war.
Alexia was waiting on him on the couch, wearing only her blushes. Rising, the Laurel Princess approached him, saying, "I... I need to work something out with you." Finn nodded, as he strode back into the bedroom. The big man began gathering on clothing, as the little princess watched. "I'm getting on in years, Finn," she said. "Your biological clock is ticking," Finn muttered. He knew. Alex shivered. New Finn. Old Finn would have had no idea what that meant. "A man can pretty much do it up to the day he croaks," Alex murmured. "You're worried that it's not going to take," Finn muttered. "I... I kinda' need you to do it to me... a lot," she said. His mind was already two steps ahead. She was getting old enough that her getting knocked-up was getting to be a little tough. He and Dr. P had tried kind of a lot.
"If we can't get the job done in a few months, I'll take you in to Dr. P," Finn said. "We'll do it the hard way with her science-biz. Ok?" Alexia blew out a breath. "Thank-you," she murmured. Finn turned and drew her into his arms and hugged her. "I never stopped being your friend, Al," he murmured. Even when she'd turned her back on him. The little woman cried. She cried for a long five minutes, and Finn held her as that storm of emotions swept her along. But Finn had somewhere to be. "I have to go," he rumbled, as he released her. Blargetha was out there, somewhere, and she was building weapons for someone. Again. Still.
The King of Ooo found Nadia's uncle waiting on him in Aysun's audience-chamber. "Your Majesty," the cyborg greeted him. "Piotr," Finn replied. "What're we looking at?" The cyborg drew a hologram projector and held it out in front of him. A glowing image of a crumpled and crushed metal object appeared. "This passed one of our airships," said the cyborg. "It's speed and trajectory suggested that it came from somewhere on Ooo." Orzsebet watched the King as he listened to that exposition, finding herself more than a little disturbed that those long words bothered him not the slightest. He wasn't the same man. Even after months of contact, she was having trouble getting used to that. "Blargetha's doing," Finn murmured.
"How do you know that," Orzsebet growled? She didn't like mysteries. She didn't like the fact that he so clearly knew things she didn't. "Princess Blargetha is a genius," the King of Ooo rumbled. "Or do you think any dumbass can conjure up war-machines from thin air?" He wasn't a fan of the evil bitch, but he respected her brain. He'd kept Blargetha in the strongest security for more than one reason. Oh, she was a threat to Hurletta as long as she was alive, but, at the same time, Blargetha was dangerous all on her own. With the dangerous thoughts floating around in her head, she was one of the greatest threats to Ooo in existence. Turning to Piotr, he asked the obvious, "can you trace it back to where it came from?" "We already have," the cyborg replied. Nodding, Finn said, "take me there." Turning to the Captain of the Guard, he said, "go and fetch Patrick Petrikov and gather up a company of guards." It was time to put Blargetha out of business.
Out in the desert, Billy the Human glanced up at the sky. It was still a little chill, but that was life in a desert for you. The blazing hot sun would be back soon. They'd been walking pretty much all night, and both of them were exhausted. He had a decision to make. Did they keep going? Or did they hunker down right here? Miles from the Emerald City, with no food and little water, it was dangerous to keep going under the hot desert sun, but it was dangerous to stay too. Leo's coming, Billy thought. Leo wasn't the kind of man who would let him down, and Lina was very resourceful when it came to the science-biz.
"We'll camp out here for a bit," Billy announced. Nieve gave him a look full of spite and hate, but he ignored that in favor of scrabbling for some kind of fuel. Gathering up sticks and twigs, he kept his eyes out for any sort of critters he could find and finally managed to scare up a couple of fat scorpions. As Nieve watched in puzzlement, the big man killed the pair and chopped off their tails and claws for good measure.
She did her best to stand aloof to this nasty barbarian. She'd given him a good looking over when he arrived on her doorstep the previous year. She'd been all smiles and delighted to be chosen Princess by her family over her idiot aunt. She'd honestly thought of taking him as a toy. Every princess needed a toy. Bonnibel had kept his father as her toy for years. Now, she would gladly have cut his balls off and fed them to him.
The young hero conjured ice from the dry air, coming up with a paltry amount. That at least served to fill one of the canteens. Water in hand, he channeled the stolen energy into the twigs and debris he'd found, causing the mass of scraps to light. He was learning. It was an idea he'd have to share with his mother when next he saw her. He didn't imagine sharing her mind and body with the Ice-Crown as any more fun than what he was dealing with. Nieve glanced up as he was putting the two scorpions on skewers. "W-what're you doing," she demanded? "Making breakfast," he replied.
The pretty princess gawked at him. Billy paid her no heed, as he carefully cooked the two venomous beasties up. When he was done, he took them off the fire, saying, "I don't have any seasoning..." "I won't do it," Nieve announced. Billy frowned at her. "Th-that's disgusting," the princess growled! "You'd feed me disgusting garbage!" "I'm feeding you what I have available," Billy retorted. Gesturing, he said, "this ain't a date, and there isn't a restaurant for miles." Chin jutting, she said, "then you'd better hunt for some game, Mr. Mertens."
Billy's eyes began to glow in a weird, greyish-white light, and, in a voice like stones grinding on stones, the big man said, "you will eat what I've provided, princess. You understand what I'll do if you don't..." Nieve gave vent to a squeak of terror. "It's hot," he warned, as she began chowing down on scorpion. Carefully, he picked off bits of his meal, choking it down in spite of his own disgust. This was part of the deal. His dad had told him that and made him understand it from a very early age. While the Candy Kingdom was nominally civilized, you didn't have to go very far from home to get into very real trouble.
Meanwhile, back in the Emerald City, Alexia Galitsis stepped out of the shower at the call of her aide. There was a functionary from her host waiting at the door with an invitation. Rolling her eyes in irritation, the Laurel Princess tore the seal off the missive and quickly glanced at the contents. Aysun wanted a meeting. Just the two of them. This could be real trouble, or it could be something else. Aysun was in a bit of a bind just now. She really couldn't afford to be attacking another princess, even in her own home. She was almost friendless in her own kingdom at the moment. With a sigh of irritation, Alexia told her aide to respond in the affirmative before returning to the bath to finish cleaning up.
A scant half-hour later, she found herself walking into Aysun's solar, dressed in the Royal Purple of the Laurel Kingdom–a harsh reminder to her host of just who she was. The Emerald Princess was waiting for her at a large, round table, heaped with local delicacies. She'd always eaten well when she came here. It was strange, but Alexia's kingdom had more arable land than Aysun's misbegotten desert, but Alexia had never had the money to set a board like her host. Aysun had never said a word about the relative paucity of food when she came to Alexia's home to visit. Of course, it helped to be swimming in emeralds and gold.
"Aysun," Alexia greeted the Emerald Princess. "Princess Alexia," Aysun replied. Alexia couldn't help noticing two things. One, her chair was placed within intimate distance of her host. Two, there were no chaperones to hear of what they spoke of. This was getting interesting. Seating herself, the little woman reached out and helped herself. Since she was here, and since she'd hardly eaten in all the commotion the previous day, she might as well feast! For a while, Aysun just sat there watching, saying not a word. It was, to coin a phrase, weird. It was weird that Aysun was happy to just sit there watching her. It was almost, but not quite, enough to get the Laurel Princess to stop eating.
"What happened to us, Alexia," the Emerald Princess murmured? "You used to be my best friend." Her guest had a ready response. Glob knew she'd been thinking about this herself for long enough. With a shrug, Alexia replied, "our bodies grew up, but our hearts didn't. We found boys, and we clean walked by wisdom." Aysun flushed to her hair. There had been a time she'd been a laughing stock with her careful appearances and her chaperones when it seemed like half the kingdom knew her secret shame.
Alexia told her, "he was a rogue, Aysun. He was a rogue who liked popping little spoiled rich girls because our egos make us too blind to see through the lies." He'd fed their egos, managed to fuck the pair of them, and walked away with a fortune in emeralds and gold coins. Finn had been two hot seconds from butchering him, but he had ended up banished from both kingdoms.
"I should have let Finn kill him," sobbed Aysun! "I should have!" Instead, she'd spent her best years pining away for a man who'd done the pump-and-dump! Alexia sighed heavily, sounding thoroughly miserable. "You had two kids," howled the Emerald Princess, "what are you complaining about?!" The Laurel Princess chuckled. "Fucked up raising them," she sighed. "Didn't do any better picking the second man than I did the first." He'd been another bad boy, but he'd chosen surfing over having a wife and kids. Laughing bitterly, Alexia said, "I don't know if they inherited his tiny little brain or mine. The pair of them... they were dumb as a box of rocks."
She could see it now. Suadela had been flighty and callow. Nick had been vain and egotistical. Her daughter had gotten herself in over her head with her partying and hanging out with ugly and dangerous people. Her son had been too vain to see that he couldn't handle the matter all by his lonesome. And Alexia herself? Well, she'd been too busy running with her unsavory little friends and causing trouble out of anger and bitter regret.
"What do we do now," rumbled Aysun? "I... I feel like I haven't got a chance. I made Qasim my heir because nobody seems to want me..." She didn't have a heap of time left. Alexia told her, "I made a deal with Finn. I... I know part of it is that he feels he owes me for what happened to my daughter. Damned fool feels guilty for what happened under my nose." Aysun was staring at her. With a helpless shrug, Alexia told her, "I can let my line die, Aysun, or I can ask the world's best father to help me." The Emerald Princess blushed to her hair. "It's not like you don't know what fucking is, Aysun," laughed the Laurel Princess. In a timid voice, the Emerald Princess asked, "are you?" With a shrug, Alexia replied, "we haven't seriously been working at it. Fucking Lamprey Princess got it first shot up the tube." With a sigh, the Emerald Princess rumbled, "but at least you're trying."
"You're not bad to look at Aysun," Alexia said. Her neighbor blushed to her hair. She'd been involved in group-sex. Another woman had seen her naked. She was going to hell for sure now. It was bad enough that she'd twice screwed a strange man who wasn't her husband. Now she was the kind of woman who took part in orgies. Alexia was still speaking, calmly reminding her that she still had a flat stomach and decent breasts. Finn had certainly not seemed to mind it. "Shut up," howled Aysun! Alexia laughed in her face. "You want a baby or not, Aysun," she retorted?! "I'm going to get him to put his bastard in me. He even wants to help raise it so I don't fuck it up this time. This is your chance, girl! Take it!"
Aysun subsided, and it was clear her mind was working on that. Alexia took her hand and said, "let's start over, Aysun. Both of us. Let's resolve today to grow up. Finally." The Emerald Princess's face looked conflicted, and she was clearly thinking about the matter. Blowing out a breath, the tall girl finally muttered, "alright."
Back in the desert, Billy was working on survival, considering things he could do to improve their chances. The Tiara was in the back of his mind, just now, suggesting that he could just fly away. He could fly away and make his way back to the ocean. It was cooler near the ocean. Of course, Billy knew that the Tiara was only trying to save itself. The entity that was the Ice Tiara was only ever interested in its own well-being. How did it survive if Billy died out here in the desert?
It was funny, in a way. The Tiara would have been much better off if Fionna had been first-born. The Tiara had been preparing Billy for this unhappy role for the entirety of his gestation and birthing in his mother's womb. But Billy was a man. He couldn't birth his own descendant. Fionna would have been a better option, but Simone Mertens had been separated from the Tiara before Fionna was even conceived. You'll die with me, Billy thought. Nobody gets out alive, buddy. You'll go with me into Dead-World. Shutting out the ugly thoughts that wanted to take control of his mind, the big man turned to the job of putting up a hut with some salvaged blankets.
Nieve spat, "worthless! Why would we need a tent?! It's hotter than hades!" "Because it will keep the sun from burning us, princess," Billy retorted. "There's a lot of ways to die in a desert. Sunburn can actually kill you, if it's bad enough. The sun can even burn out your eyes." And he went right back to what he was doing. The young princess refused to look at him, which was fine. He wasn't a fan of hers either. Working swiftly as he could, he got a makeshift shelter erected, scooping out sand. When he was done, he made the princess crawl inside and lay down on her belly. He sat himself in the shadow of the entry, staring back in the direction of the Emerald City. That was where help would be coming from.
As the sun spun across the sky, a glint of something shiny brought the young hero out of the shelter. Squinting into the distance, he did his best to gauge just where it was, finding that it was at a fairly substantial altitude. Airship, he thought? He found himself wondering if his dad had come searching.
Shaking off his puzzlement, he retrieved a coal from the fire he'd started earlier and then lit the signal fire he'd laid out. Coaxing power from the dry desert air, the young hero fanned the flame, creating a hot, black smoke. The minutes crawled by, as he did his best to keep the fire going with the minuscule fuel he had. This was his bet hope. If not, they'd be walking. Finally, much to his shock, a balloon came wafting out of the brilliant mid-morning sunlight, floating down to within a hundred feet of the ground.
"Morning, boss," Leo announced. Shaking his head in amused disbelief, Billy chuckled. Just like he'd figured. Lina had conjured up a miracle out of scraps of leather saddle from the camels. "Olesia and Tom helped me craft the balloon," Lina admitted. The two elementals were the unlikely source of heat for the air in the balloon. Billy could have kissed the plump girl. Of course, he'd have second or third degree burns after that, so he settled for dragging his recalcitrant companion over to the balloon and helping her climb aboard.
As Tom and Olesia climbed back into the glass-fiber balloon to reheat the air, Billy glanced skyward at the familiar sound of an airship. Dad, Billy thought. He thought it was his father. It was too much of a coincidence to have an airship here so close to Emerald City. The ship was moving in an awful big hurry, too. Something new had come up. His dad was heading off alone–maybe with Thor and Patrick. That made the young hero a little uneasy. His dad was getting too old for this shit, and Patrick was kind of a wuss. Don't sweat it, thought Billy. One thing at a time. He had to get Nieve back to civilization first. His dad would have been the first to tell him to get the job he was on finished before taking on more. He could go running after his father afterwards. He just hoped Patrick and/or Thor stepped up to the plate.
Indeed, aboard the airship, Patrick Petrikov was feeling his own inadequacy for the task at hand. He'd been a fuckup on this hop from first to last. He'd fallen for a pretty face and fallen into a stupid trap. If not for Cherry and Star dropping in, he and Thor might have gotten murdered in their sleep if they ever did finally break Cerelia's hold on them. He'd cheated on his wife, who was sitting at home pregnant. It helped not at all that the whole reason he had been sent was so that a sitting Royal didn't have to go get her hands dirty–and risk her ass–on something a flunky should be doing. Instead, Cherry had found herself involved anyway, putting her and Star in reach of the Bandit Princess.
And now here he was supposedly helping Finn, and he couldn't help feeling even more inadequate than before. Finn the Stud, who kept a baker's dozen girls on the string. Finn the Hero of Heroes. Finn the King of flippin' everything. And what the hell did he need Patrick for? He could literally hop through time if he wanted. It made Patrick want to shout at him. His father-in-law and now his stepdad. Patrick was the son of the loser. He felt like his dad was a loser. Finn was his father's friend, but Finn had ended up with Patrick's mom because his dad was a loser. It sometimes felt like that when he saw everything that Finn had managed to accomplish, while Patrick's dad was dead and buried.
Patrick looked up at the sound of footsteps coming down the deck. He'd chosen to pretty much exile himself back here at the very back end of the ship, near the big cargo doors. Finn had been up at the cockpit talking to Piotr the Grid-Face Person almost since they got aboard. Now he came strolling back, looking like the stereotypical 'sharp-dressed-man'. Patrick wanted to hide his face. He felt about three inches tall.
"Patrick," Finn greeted his stepson as he sat himself. Patrick's eyes wanted to slide away. Why had he come back here? It couldn't be that he had anything to talk about. Could it? Or, worse thought, maybe he did have something to talk about. Patrick blushed to his hair. He'd cheated on this guy's daughter. He'd given Fionna a bun in the oven and then cheated on her. Not that Finn or anybody else had said a word about it.
"You can say it," muttered Patrick. Finn gave him a frown of puzzlement. "I cheated," Patrick spat. "I'm a loser. I'm a fuckup..." Finn's eyebrow climbed a notch. In a voice that sounded more puzzled than anything, the older man said, "you're a man. At least that's what I thought you were." Patrick's head whipped around. "Did you think it was really that easy, Patrick," Finn rumbled? "Happily ever after?" He made it sound stupid. "The story doesn't end at 'I do'," the King of Ooo rumbled. "It can't ever be easy when there's two people in the mix, and they each have their own wants and needs. One side or the other's got to give in, but there's always a conflict, and sometimes stuff breaks down. Sometimes you can't find a way to make things work, and you end up breaking up..."
Patrick stiffened, his face taking on a look of utterest horror. That was the last thing he wanted. "...sometimes you find that it's stupid shit, and you both need to put it aside and move on," Finn continued. "The question is... are you man enough to see your own part in the drama and work to fix it? Or do you let everything fall apart because you don't have the stones to face your failings."
The big man turned and stared him straight in the eye, his blue-eyes burning into Patrick's until Patrick glanced away. "It's hard work being a father and a provider," Finn said. "You're pulled in too many different directions at once, and sometimes you can't even figure out what it is you're supposed to do, much less why. You're a guy, and your nads are telling you to chase ass because that's what you're wired for. That's how your mom said it to me. You're wired to chase ass because that's how the human animal keeps going through the generations. Girls choose and dudes chase. At the same time, you're supposed to put that shit aside to take care of the one you already got and make sure your seed grows up and gets out on its own, but your body isn't thinking about that, so you're getting blue-balls while the wife has that bun in the oven, and she can't do anything to help you."
Patrick flinched from that hard assessment, but Finn wasn't done. The King of Ooo told him, "you think, 'I'm a good guy... I don't do that shit'. And you don't. You don't until the pressure gets too much, and you slip off the pedestal that one time. Maybe you're lucky, and all you do is rub one out, thinking of some other girl. Maybe you go down to the club and watch the girls there... The question isn't how you break the promise. It's what you do afterwards... Anyways... We're going to be fighting an unknown number of dudes when we land. You don't get to fix things with Fionna if you're dead." Without a further word, he got up and headed back up the length of the plan, leaving Patrick staring after him in a state of shock.
The airship came swooping out of the sky over a strange, sunken cavern. Roughly oval, the cavernous pit went down a good forty or fifty feet to a sandy bottom. Above it, a rough, sandy hill rose, dotted with scrubs and trees. That hill ended in a steep drop-off to the rough, jumbled stone of a ravine. "This the place," Finn asked? Piotr replied, "we don't have a precise location. The rocket came from somewhere near here." Finn nodded, as the gears turned. They could have built the thing down in that hole. They could have built it in the hole and wheeled it out somehow.
The man behind him announced, "picking up radio signals. There's phones down there." "That's them," Finn muttered. Indeed, a glint of light from up the hill announced that maybe there was a hidden transmitter there. Somebody was maybe calling for help. Piotr growled, "jam it." "Jamming," the radio operator announced. In the mean time, the cyborg deftly steered the flying machine back over the nearest sand-dune and out of sight. It was time to get busy.
Blargetha heard the alarms and glanced up in puzzlement. It took a few moments. And then, as she realized that something potentially serious was happening, her hand slipped into the pocket of her skirt. She'd been here days. She'd been here since the demonstration really, waiting on the Queen of Ooo to do whatever she planned to do next. The slime-princess hadn't been idle. Honestly, while she'd been putting in work on the rocket plans, she'd also been secretly tinkering on the phone they'd slipped to her in Finn's dungeon.
Now, with the sounds of feet running in the hallway, she figured it was as good a time as any to maybe do a little looking. Who knew what she might find? A truck? An airship? She could steal something, and if she could steal a ride, she could figure out how to pilot it. Pressing the phone against the electronic lock, the plush princess dialed her way through a couple of frequencies, testing the waters, all while she hummed and whistled a tune in her usual off-key fashion
It took a while. The Queen of Ooo clearly had money and access to resources. The lock wasn't easy to fry. Still, the plump little genius was game. Working with one ear open for the goings on in the compound and her eyes on the phone's screen, she teased at the lock with sound and radio waves, working her way through the spectrum, best she was able. She could hear shouts and the sounds of violence from elsewhere inside the compound. The trouble was getting closer. Now, just as her fear was starting to ratchet up a bit, the lock gave over, popping open with a metallic clunk.
Calmly, the plump woman gathered up the secret stash she'd been building. Clothing. She needed more than just the clothes on her back. Who knew what was outside this compound or how far she had to go to get to civilization? A little hoarded food. Water. She'd need a little water if it was hot out there. Otherwise she risked drying out. She had the whole bundle wrapped up in a waterproof cloth–against the risk of rain. Shouldering the bag, she slipped out, her mind on finding the exit.
Elsewhere in the compound, Finn was working his way through the Bandit Princess's guards, his borrowed soldiers reaping a toll on them. It was just as he'd thought–dozens of masterless men fighting a losing battle to safeguard their illicit prize–and a piece of him kept hoping that this was it. He hoped she was holed-up here. That would let him put this whole thing to bed and get back to his family. He missed his wives and his kids. The time apart was killing him. A bandit stepped into the hallway ahead of him and leveled a dart-gun. Finn calmly deflected the dart that would have shredded his stepson. Leveling the pistol hidden up his sleeve, he shot the man between the eyes.
"Pay attention," Finn rumbled. Patrick flushed to his hair. He was having trouble with that. He was off today. He'd been off since Cherry caught him cheating on his wife. But you don't get to make it up if you die, he thought. Finn was all too right. The young man refocused on the job at hand. He needed to put in work for their defense until they could get clear of here.
Business got a little more dangerous as they worked their way through the maze of tunnels. There were cross-tunnels that let the thugs work in behind them. There were small caverns and storerooms that made great spots for ambushes. And there were plenty of traps.
Again and again, Finn used that uncanny skill of his to pick out just when and where they were going to be jumped. It was fucking amazing for a man who'd been famous for just fighting his way through enemies as if he was invulnerable. Patrick and the Emerald Guard found themselves struggling to keep up through the twists and turns of the tunnel as the enemy hit them again and again.
Meanwhile, Blargetha found herself making her way through what had clearly been an underground weapons-facility like that one where she'd found her tank. It stood to reason that her benefactors had some idea that things like this existed. They'd asked some very specific questions of her, suggesting they had some knowledge of what they were asking her to build. Now she knew why.
Back in somewhat familiar territory, the plump woman paused long enough in her headlong flight to locate a map–complete with 'You Are Here'. She had a chance now. There was a pathway to the surface. Whistling, she began to jog along now. Before, when she'd been dancing on the trapdoor with the noose seemingly wrapped tight on her neck, she'd have been happy to be back in her cell in Finn's dungeon. Now she saw a way to be free.
Closing in fast on the end of Part 1. Nieve's been 'rescued'. Finn's closing in on Blargetha's prison. Stay-tuned for the finale of Act I.