~Axel POV~
I really did want to see Roxas, but I really did not want to run into his father. It would end in another fight, without a doubt. There was no shame on my part, that guy was a fucking dick, he had no right to treat another human being like that. Especially not his own flesh and blood. Roxas probably didn't see it the same way as me...
Stopping my speedy walk out front of the bar, I took in an unusual sight.
"Since when do you smoke?"
"Since I'm stressed," Riku didn't even spare me a glance, just took long and slow drags.
"Never pictured you as a smoker," I laughed, crossing my arms and leaning against the building.
He was taking long and deep breaths, his cigarette was crumpled on the ground now, "I can't afford them, or I probably would be a chain smoker." Turning around he walked inside, I followed quickly, not wanting to get left behind by the obviously distressed man.
"Why's Roxas working?" I didn't bother to get said blond's attention, but I still wanted an answer. And I wasn't going to get one like I wanted.
"Go ask him yourself." Was the only response I received.
Knowing my luck, there was something wrong with the blond, and if I asked, I'd receive some stressed answer, but the longer I watched the teen the more compiled I felt to ask him. It didn't take me long to tag down the quirky kid, he had a huge smile on his face, and those skinny jeans were hugging though perfect hips just oh-so-right. "What're you doing?"
The smile dropped off his face for a second, eyes shifted to the ground, before he continued to walk back towards the bar. Without a word he began to fill an order, loading a small tray full of alcohol, but that smile was still gone.
"You okay?" Of course, no response, yet again.
He lifted the tray to rest partially on his shoulder, and walked right on by me, apparently I was only worth the silent treatment. Once he was back to the table, a smile returned to his face, handing out the drinks like they were liquid gold, careful not to spill anything.
It was obvious he was still mad at me about his father, I didn't really know why though. Shouldn't he have been romantically head over heels because I was his knight in shinning armor? He was the damsel in destress and I rescued him, right?
The more I watched him, the clearer it became that he didn't think any of those things. He was pissed at me, but not angry. Disappointed, maybe? Sullen expressions continued to take over his face when he saw me, not that usual annoying face that spouts off random facts when he's mad. I must have really upset him for him to be giving me this kind of cold shoulder...
"Hey," I stopped Roxas, grabbing his arm gently, making sure I had his attention. "Look, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to cause anything between you and your dad... Do you want me to... go, talk to him, or something?" This was completely new to me, but I wanted to make things better, and I could tell it was my fault everything seemed fucked up.
"No," he didn't bother to pull away, or even look at me, "My dad left last night..."
His father hadn't even been around for a full fucking twenty four hours. What the hell was so important that he just up and left after a few drinks? Roxas was so fucking excited to see him. Opening my mouth, I began to say yet another apology, but I realized Roxas wasn't even standing in front of me anymore, he was already back to work.
It felt like hours, but it'd probably only actually been twenty minutes, I needed to get Roxas out of The Hell Hole, and get him somewhere he could let loose and forget about his piece of shit father.
"Hey Riku," I waved the man down, he seemed just as off put as Roxas. "Mind if I steal Little Blond Boy?" Nodding my head in Roxas' direction to nonchalantly clarify, as if that was needed.
Riku shook his head, but spoke the opposite, "Go ahead."
"Come on," I didn't want to wait around any longer. Grabbing Roxas by the hand, I pulled him outside with me, being as gentle as I could, hoping it wouldn't set the kid off.
"Wait," he tried to stop me, but we were already outside.
"Riku said it was okay," I faced him, seeing that concerned look on his face still, "Are you okay?"
Blue eyes shifted down, Roxas was quiet and I did't know what was worse, his silence or his random knowledge.
"Did you know... octopus mothers die for their babies?" Those same eyes shot up to look at me, glossed over, vacant of that familiar glow that they always had. I didn't like it. He continued talking without an answer from me, "The mother lays her thousand eggs on a rock, and she clings to it... protecting them, keeping them safe, for months and years..." Roxas looked at the ground, holding his hands up to his mouth while his arms blocked his chest. "She starves... once her babies 'hatch' she falls into the darkness of the ocean, dead. Frail, emaciated, and cold... But her babies are alive..."
"That's terrible," were the only words I could think to say. "So your dad... Does he always leave like that?" He licked his lips, nodding his head slowly, "Why?"
There was a long pause, like he didn't want to answer me, but finally, finally, he spoke.
"I look just like my mother..."
~Rox POV~
"I gotta change," I ran around the redhead, ducking into the alley were an unsafe safety exit lead from the ground to the kitchen window of my sleeping space. I really just wanted to run away from Axel... I didn't want to talk to him, because he wanted to know things I wasn't comfortable admitting. I'm a shameless coward.
The only thing I had on my coward self that was remotely related to the bar, was a waist apron, but I still wanted to change my clothes. Because, unlike a chameleon, I couldn't just change my color to represent my feelings, or to communicate. If I felt like sulking and throwing a tantrum, I had to go to the work of finding all black clothes and blocking myself off with a hoodie.
Emotions conveyed.
Since I have a mouth piece, making accurate sounds would be in my strong suit, but I think I need a new reed, the few sounds that are coming out just aren't right.
I looked down the fire escape, seeing the fiery redhead standing at the end of the alley, looking up at the sky as if it was going to rain. It wouldn't, but I wished it would... my face needs some watering.
Axel was able to tell what my 'skin' change said about my current mood, and it was easy to tell he understood, because when he looked at my black skinny jeans and black hoodie, he took a deep breath.
I was tired...
Tired of always going 'out of my way', tired of always being okay. I just wanted to not care and just 'do'.
"All set?" His hands were in his pockets, expressing that he was either unguarded around me, or that he was scared and felt the need to hide... which one, which one?
"Did you know there's an average of 44 murders a day, everyday?" He looked shocked by that fact. One of his hands went from being in his pocket, to scratching his head... so even with that uncomfortable fact, he exposed his hand... that meant he wasn't trying to hide. Good.
"It's a shame," I whispered, walking past him to the sidewalk. My hood was up, but I wasn't trying to block 'him' out, just everyone else. Did he understand that, or did I have to explain... How would I?
"Listen," Axel caught up to me, I hadn't realized I had left him behind, "I'm sorry about your dad..."
"What's there to be sorry about? He's not dead..." I don't know where he was trying to go with that, but I knew I didn't want to go anywhere near it.
"No, I know, but still..." he stood in front of me, stopping me in my tracks, "You were happy when he was here, and he already left."
"People have their own lives... if they can't control mine, I can't control theirs'." I didn't have to wonder if he understood my statement, because again, he quickly apologized.
"I'm sorry for what I said, okay?" He sounded like he was mad at me, like I had said something wrong... but that's not what happened.
"Don't be mad at me for something 'you' said." If I didn't take attitude from Riku, I definitely wasn't going to take it from Axel.
There was a long pause, like Axel wanted to scream something but instead was trying to hold the lid of an exploding canister shut. It wasn't till after he took a deep breath that he spoke, "I know..." another deep breath, "I'm sorry... that stuff just... that stuff pisses me off."
My mouth opened, but he spoke before I could get any sound to come out. i needed a new reed, or a wetter one.
"He reminded me of my father, just, the way he was talking to you and how he was acting." He looked up like the words he wanted to say next were lost in the sky, "You're your own human being, and your father shouldn't be trying to control that..."
"That's what parents are for though." I was confused already, this was a terrible apology, "Parents want what's best, for you and them."
"Yeah, but," he shook his head, "Parents don't 'know' everything. They know what they were told, how they were taught... They don't know how things change, or how to change their thinking. And like you just said," his eyes lit up like what I had said was finally reaching him. "It doesn't matter how 'good' our life is for them, it's our life, not theirs. Our life isn't good or bad or anything for them, because it's not their life."
He did have a point.
I wasn't going to let him know that.
"My father is the same fucking way, he wants me to live up to this perfect image for him so our family can be picture perfect. But that's not how that works!" He was getting very emotionally engaged in the conversation. "If I go out and do something stupid, that's my choice, if I go to jail, I get punished, not him. So why does he get to take credit for all my good things, all my happiness."
"He doesn't."
"But I have to live my life like he wants. If I make his life harder, he makes my life a living hell."
"Then stop." He stared at me like i was speaking a new language. His eyebrows furrowed and his green eyes staring into mine like he was trying to solve a puzzle.
"Stop what?"
"Stop letting him have so much control over your life."
"It's not that easy..."
"Yes," I didn't understand him, "It is that easy."
"No," He was practically screaming at me now, "It's not that easy! Because if I don't play by his rules then he'll just throw me out and cut me off."
"So?"
"So? In case you haven't noticed, you need money to survive, and it doesn't matter what road I take, because if it's successful, it's 'because of my father', if I die in a ditch of a drug overdose, it's because 'I was a troubled soul', it doesn't matter what I do with my life, I'll never be free of him."
I was beginning to see Axel in a whole new way... he was a scared little redhead who didn't want to be alone, but also wanted to live his own life without being punished for it.
I liked all this attention away from me.
"What's something your father would hate?" There was a smile on my face, but I wasn't trying to hide it.
"What do you mean?" The anger and emotion that had previously taken over the redhead's face was now replaced with shock and confusion.
"Something he would be enraged about you doing?"
The confusion was washed away with a smirk, "Already did it," he pointed at his face, to the two tattoos on his cheeks.
"Okay," I drew out, walking past him, "What's the next thing that would anger him?"
When there was no answer, I turned around to face him, and what i saw, yet again, was a smirk. "I could bring you home and say I'm gay."
A part of me sunk, Axel was insinuating that he wasn't... but I knew I'd be happy with him.
No.
No, I couldn't go there, my mind needed to stop.
Another fact almost came out of my mouth, but I stopped myself, my recommendation would help both Axel and myself. "How about a facial piercing?"
All Axel gave me was a shrug, but whether or not he wanted one, I knew I was going to get one. Just like Axel, it would anger my father when he saw it...
As we walked down the sidewalk, to the conveniently located piercing studio, my mind already decided on what I wanted. The name was unknown to me, but when I described it to the man inside, I learned the name.
"Yes," I nodded my head, "I want an anti-eyebrow," I smiled, drawing on my cheek just where I wanted the little stud of metal.
Axel wanted to do 'anything' to anger his father, and I wanted something just the same, it was a win-win.
Riku 'cut' me off from tattoos, saying I needed to have a clear head when purchasing one, but he had no objections to piercings. After all, if I didn't like it, I could just take it out and only have to deal with minimal scarring, but a tattoo was a whole different scenario. I couldn't really argue with Riku, I tried, really hard, but I understand the point, and I have to agree... But I like to argue.
After about an hour we were both walking out with a new piece of metal threaded through a part of our faces. While I got a barbell under my eye, something that was now in my line of vision and getting incredible annoying, Axel chose to get his eyebrow pierced. A simple little hoop attached to the red caterpillar on his face, much less annoying, and painless, compared to mine.
There was a smile on Axel's face, and for some reason a smile spread across my own face. Even if Axel was smiling because he was making fun of me, I felt better. I didn't know the reason for the stretched grin, but it felt nice, in a weird sort of way. But the more steps we took, the more curiosity got the better of me.
~Axel POV~
"What are you smiling about?" Roxas asked me, his eyes still teary from the needle that went through his face.
"Nothing..." I shook my head, laughing, "That was fun." His smile grew, like he finally understood what the hell I was smiling about, and he added into it. The more steps we took, the more regret took over me. "What are you going to do if you don't like your piercing?"
He stopped in his tracks, looking back at me with the most surprised face on the planet, "What do you mean?"
I thought my question was pretty simple, "I mean, what if you wake up tomorrow and decide you don't like having your faced pierced, what are you going to do?"
"Well," he slowly began walking, looking back at me every couple of steps, "I'll just take it out."
That was a pretty simple answer, but for some reason, it sounded like Roxas had told me the truth to the universe. Of course, it's just a hole in the flesh, if I don't want the piercing, I can just get rid of it... I don't have to keep it, or regret it, I can get rid of it and not worry about it ever again. And, if one day, I miss it, I can just get it pierced again.
When I go back, if my father demands I take it out, all I have to do is pierce it again, and there's nothing he can do about it. I can do whatever I want, over and over again, and there's nothing he can do about it but accept it and move on.
How the hell did it take Roxas to make me figure this out? It's like the most simplest, yet brilliant, thing I've ever heard, and it came from the kid who's always spouting random shit. I've been told everything he said too, he didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, yet... Roxas makes the words feel real. He makes me feel like I'm free, no one has any control over me, and he's shown me that without actually having to show me anything at all.
Does he even know what he's done for me?
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So... I actually had this chapter finished last week, and planned to upload it last Tuesday, but uh...
Nothing like getting rushed to the hospital at four in the morning because you've lost two, almost three, liters of blood...
Not from a suicide attempt, but the fact that I waited almost ten hours, and it took me blacking out and crashing on the bathroom floor for a couple minutes, to realize that I should probably go to the hospital... my hesitation was 'concerning'.
And not even driven by your fiancé, but by a woman who lives an hour away because well, hey, no one else gives a damn if you're dead. And said woman only cares because she likes to play the victim, and what better role to play than the woman of a 'dying' child. Telling the doctors, "I just feel like it's my fault," when it has nothing to do with her.
...
I got some problems going on guys...
...
I can't even get it together enough to personally thank you guys for your reviews and such. Thank you though, really.
Updated: May 11th, 2017