~Rox POV~

I laid on the living room floor, the dirt was frozen and unusually cold...

How much did Axel mean to me?

Honestly?

I've never had feelings like this before, all I can say is the creature Axel has pulled out of my heart is one I've never dealt with, it has sharp teeth and long fur, but I can't tell if it's friend or foe. The closest I've come was the demon unleashed by Riku, and it took me years after the relationship to realize it was a foe. Was my judgement that bad, or was the theory of 'love blinds', true?

There are hundreds of books, entitled 'how to', but there hasn't been one preloaded into my mind of 'how to' be a normal human being. Were my emotions that crazy and unique, or was I just a noob who didn't know how to steer?

Why couldn't someone just give me all the answers?

I sat up, placing my hand over my heart in silence. The erratic beating that took place in the strangely worshiped muscle, was another riddle. Like, why did the pace increase whenever Axel was around, and why did it pound in my ears every time Axel looked at me with that smug smirk and those glittering eyes? Was I sick, infected, dying from some unforeseen ailment that had taken a turn for the worse?

I don't know what to do...

And I don't know which is worse, not knowing what to do, or not knowing how to make it stop.

When it came to Riku, I had these same symptoms but they were nowhere near as severe or off putting. Even then, they caused me to do idiotic things...

I destroyed myself, all for Riku, because of these feelings, and it nearly killed me in the end. It was so bad that I couldn't even tell it was bad, I was too busy tearing myself apart to realize it was an unhealthy way of living, but it was fun... in a way. As long as I didn't think about it, as long as I didn't dwell on anything, and instead acted without thought, and when I did think, it was just about random facts.

I've never thought about the relationship between Riku and I, I've never picked it apart or examined it piece by piece. Instead, I've just 'moved' on from it, even though the emotions it caused still come back like a wave without being driven by a train of thought, wild like the ocean...

Riku's stomping up the tongue, like he wants me to hear him coming up to the apartment.

"Roxas," he opened the door gently, "What are you doing?" shutting the door even more gently behind him.

"Counting the strands of the carpet." I was still sitting up, my hand still on my heart.

"Are you thinking about Axel?" He took a seat on the yellow teeth.

"I don't know," was I, is that what all this could be considered?

"Are you okay?"

Looking down, I squeezed my chest, "I don't know..."

It was quiet in the room for a second, the air taking a break from the vocal vibrations. Riku took a deep breath, his body adjusting to the abnormal air intake, "Well," he stood up, "Why don't you come downstairs..."

Again I let the air settle, it was unusual for Riku to be acting so calm, he was usually quick to snap at me instead. "I think I'm sick..." what other reason was there for this uncomfortable feeling in my body? I was used to no feelings at all, but 'weird' feelings were just bad.

Riku walked up to me, bending down to press his hand against my forehead, and since I didn't bother to move it was a quick and easy effort. When Riku stood back up, he put his hands in his pockets, watching me like I was about to explode, "You don't seem okay..." his voice was quiet like he hadn't intended for me to hear. "I'll be up later, why don't you lay down in bed instead."

Again I was alone in the bland apartment, everything was mismatched furniture wise, beyond that though, there was nothing to say about anyone who dwelled in the shabby one bedroom place. No nicknacks, no pictures, nothing personal, i could leave and the only thing that would be evidence of my past presence would be the few items of clothing in the other room. And the same could be said for Riku.

Slowly I laid back down, staring at the living room ceiling, waiting for it to decay and show the gray sky. My fingers grazed the piece of metal that was now threaded through my cheek, I had no possessions except for what was attached to my own body... a few tattoos, piercings, and scars, but when I wasted away, they would all follow me.

What happened to everything I liked to do?

I liked to read, but I don't own any books...

I liked to draw, but I don't have any drawing utensils or sketches...

When I was younger, I held on to everything for as long as I could because if I didn't, I knew it would get left behind and I'd be uncomfortable without it. My father encouraged a nomadic life, which meant we would move with no warning, whatever was left behind was gone forever. I hated it, but now, I could live the life, that's what I'm pretty much doing. Everything I own could be shoved in a bag and I could run away, leaving nothing behind.

I don't want to run away though...

I act like every moment has no consequence, like there's no lasting impact, but there is, and my head can't wrap around that. I can't figure out how to make the minutes that pass on the face of the clock, mean anything. Watching everything go by because I don't want to settle, I don't want to have to uproot if need be, but I'm too scared to see that there is no 'need be'.

My father carved me into a miniature version of himself, just what he always wanted...

I talk to Axel like I know all the secrets to the universe, telling him that if there's a 'problem' just to remove it, but is it really that simple? If I could survive decapitation then I suppose it would be, but that's beyond my knowledge. So who am I to offer words of 'wisdom' to Axel? Spending every minute, lying to myself, doing things without thought as if that makes me 'living', when in reality, I'm afraid. I'm 'living' out of fear, because that nomadic life style is the only thing I know.

Axel has a father that wants to control his life, but Axel wants to live his own. Spontaneity would be living for Axel, because it's out of his comfort zone that he's afraid to leave, but I'm afraid to leave my heedlessness.

I'm a hypocrite, my advice is effective for Axel, but since it's coming from my mouth, it's a pile of lies that happens to make sense.

Preaching about how to live life is something I can't comprehend to the full extent of, because, well, I'm a being sleeping inside a dead skeleton.

And nothing more.

~Axel POV~

I leaned against the bar, my elbows resting on the flat surface while I waited for Riku to show up, since the real reason I came around was nowhere to be seen either. "Hey," I spotted the man coming down the stairs, a troubled look on his face. Then again, he always seemed troubled when it came to Roxas.

The only response he gave me was a fucking head nod, then he disappeared into the kitchen. So i kept waiting, taking a seat because apparently no one was going to talk to me. After about five minutes, which felt a lot more like a fucking hour, Riku came out so I could talk to him.

"Is Roxas upstairs?"

He was trying to put clean glasses away, but once I asked my question, he stopped and looked at me like I was smoking meth. A couple minutes passed and Riku finally spoke to me. "How many dates do you have left?"

"Thought they weren't dates?" he corrected me a hundred times, it was my turn to correct him.

We were only talking for like ten seconds, but he already seemed like he was annoyed with me. "What do you want Axel?"

"What's with the attitude?" who the hell pissed him off?

"Axel," he looked me dead in the eye, "I am busy trying to do my job, you've been waiting around for ten minutes 'just' to ask me where Roxas is, when you know where he is. He's upstairs in the apartment, like he always is, but you're procrastinating going up there, ''but' still want to talk about Roxas."

I listened to everything he said, going over it all in my head, "So?"

"So," Riku copied me, "What do you really want to talk about?"

I wasn't even sure myself, I mean, he had a point, why was I sitting down here wanting to talk about Roxas instead of talking to him or just not be around at all. What was I doing...

"How many dates do we have left?" Slight subject change on my part, but only because I wasn't about to answer Riku.

"I haven't been keeping track," he went back to putting the dishes away, "I can make up a number if you want."

"Yeah... I haven't been keeping track either," mostly because I liked hanging out with Roxas. But I wasn't about to tell him. "I just want to get them done and over with so I can move on with my life," it didn't sound convincing, but Riku was going to take what the hell I just said and he was going to move on with his life. "So..." another slight subject change, "What's exactly so important about his birthday in three weeks?"

Riku stared at me for a minute, like I was supposed to know the answer. "I told you," apparently I did know, "My mother's dying, we're moving to spend the last few months with her." Okay, I did know.

I just didn't care about Roxas when he first told me, not that I care about him now either...

"I can't afford the hospice bills and this place... so, I'm selling this place, and Roxas and I are going to go live out in the country with Ma... It'll be good for Roxas, some place new, and some place to settle down."

"Does Roxas know anything about this?"

His body language told me that was a no, his head slumped like he felt guilty, but his words dignified it. "No... Roxas would do something stupid..." He went back to taking care of the glasses, "That's why, it'll be a birthday surprise that we're going to see her, and another surprise that we're moving there... he doesn't need to know the bad things, it wouldn't fix anything..."

Roxas deserved to know, but my thoughts were stopped when Riku jumped to his feet, staring me down again.

"Don't tell Roxas either."

Why was I put in the shittiest position?

"Roxas' real mother died before he could even know her. Ma is the closest thing to family he has."

"Wouldn't you be considered family too?" Roxas had his father too, even though his father was a dick bag.

"He's like a brother," he nodded his head, looking down for a second, "But brothers don't date each other." And this slick fucker walked away before I could question him more, there was still a lot I wanted to know about Roxas, but no one was telling me anything.

"Whatever," I stood up, going up the stairs where I knew Roxas was. There were things I wanted to know, but if I didn't find them out today, that was okay, because I would spend the rest of the day with a little blond brat. We'd drive all the way around town again, and that was better than thinking about anything.

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So, thanks for the reviews, I mean it

And I always say reviews as if there's a lot, when most times there's only one, so yes, I am well aware, I'm just terrible at making things personal.

I'm just a terrible person in general, but that's another story. -insert laugh-

So yeah... enjoy this little tidbit that doesn't seem like much (Because it's really not) but I'll repeat: I have everything planned out of what's happening in each chapter, so that's a big part of what very's the length...

And, as a *spoiler* there will be twenty chapters for this story.

Uploaded: May 16th, 2017