~~Rox POV~~

My concerns about the couch eating me were no longer concerns, but instead were, apparently, wishful thinking.

Had I really just done that?

Why would I ever tell Axel that he makes me sick? Now he's never going to talk to me, and if he does, he won't have anything nice to say!

I just wanted to talk to him, I just wanted to figure out this feeling that's swirling around in the pit of my stomach, but instead, he sent me away!

I grabbed my head, my hands could be the cellar doors keeping me safe from the tornado inside my head, holding the tornado wasn't something I was prepared to do. Throwing my head back, I rolled off the couch and onto the dirty floor, holding the tornado as I rolled around. Why did I always do stupid things, why can't I just act normal for once?

The swirling uneasiness in the pit of my stomach that I had felt before, was finally gone, but it wasn't for the best. Instead, this pain shot up from my stomach to my heart, and from my heart to my head. It oozed out of my eyes, and I had no idea what to do about it.

Why did I always play stupid?

I knew what the sick feeling actually was, I'd connected the line before, but for some reason I thought if I played stupid, Axel would respond better.

Why did I do that?

Suffocating myself in the dirt, I placed my hands beside my head and weakly began to punch the dirt.

"What's wrong with me?" the scream was muffled and sounded more like a mumble because of it.

"What's wrong?"

The voice caused me to jump, I lifted my head and looked at the door, seeing a familiar silver haired man shutting the door behind him quietly.

I was so out of it I didn't even hear him open it, or climb up the tongue. Stepping closer, he took his turn sitting on the yellow teeth, he watched me like he was concerned about my well being. Like he always did.

"What's wrong?" He asked again, his voice calm and quiet.

"Nothing..." I mumbled, turning my body to begin to sit up. Once my body began to move, I realized the tornado was now gone and instead a rain storm had taken place. I shouldn't have turned around.

"Roxas..." he voice was gentle as he slid off the couch and joined me to sit on the dirt. "I can see you're crying... ever since you came back yesterday, you've been acting upset... does it have something to do with Axel?"

There was no way I was going to tell him, but there was no need for me to verbally say it because my body twitched just enough for Riku to hone in on his non-existent yet fluent 'sign-language'.

"What happened?" the deep voice broke the silence.

My jaw dropped, my mouth ready to push out some random fact. The only thing that came out was silence.

I curled up into a ball, burying my face in my knees as I held my limbs closer to myself, this feeling was eating me away and I wanted to be gone already.

The room was silent for what felt like an hour, and I finally couldn't take it.

No random fact came out.

No random lie.

No random anything.

"I like Axel!" Yelling was the only way to get the words out, "I..." Shaking my head was all I could think to do to keep the words coming, "I told him he made me feel sick, and I don't know why!" Looking at Riku provided me no comfort, "I know it's because I like him, but, I just... I didn't just tell him! Instead, instead, I, I said it in the stupidest way and Axel knew, he knew what I meant, and he sent me away!"

Why was I such an emotional wreck? Why did I always mess up everything, especially for myself?

"Roxas, Roxas," he moved in front of me, "Just because he sent you away doesn't mean it's the end of the world..."

"Your comforting sucks." my voice was blatant.

After he recovered from his shock to the tone in my voice, he gathered himself and began speaking again. "It's not always a bad thing... maybe it's a good thing that you two didn't continue seeing each other."

There was no way I could possibly find anything good in that. Axel made me excited to wake up every day, just for the chance to see him, to talk to him, even if all that happened was a fight. Even if when I came back to my humble abode I was depressed and angry at myself, it was still worth it. Axel was, and is, worth it. Why would Riku think it was a good thing that we stopped talking, or that he turned me down.

Did he not think I was worth it either?

"Is that why you broke up with me?" I wiped the tears away from my face. No more rain. "Am I that terrible of a person?"

Riku shook his head as if he had his own tornado now. "No Roxas, no, it was not your fault that we broke up, you were too perfect for me, it wasn't your fault." His scatter brained thoughts made me question if I ever made sense at all.

There was nothing for me to say back to him, he could say it all he wanted, but he'd just proven my point more. It was my fault that we broke up, it was my fault that it felt like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest, and Riku didn't have anything to reassure me that it 'wasn't' my fault.

"Listen," Riku spun around, sitting beside me with his back against the mouth, holding his hands to his head. "Do you know why we broke up?"

The silence filled the room again. It was never explained to me why we weren't 'allowed' to be together, it was just something I was told to accept and move on from. I always figured it was just my fault and there was nothing I could ever do to change it, I was just that bad of a person.

"I was stupid when we were dating... I was stupid and arrogant and I had my head up my ass." he was silent for a second again. "Do you remember any part of our relationship?" It must have been a rhetorical question, "I thought... I thought it was so funny that you didn't care about what you did, that you would take three acid tabs without hesitation... And... and then you told me you cared about me, and I asked you to prove it, do you remember that?"

That was not a rhetorical question, but he received no answer from me. I remembered it, and I remembered how badly it hurt.

"You took a handful of pills... you didn't even know what they were, they were drugs I had in 'my' pocket, you had no idea what they were, but... you still downed them all just to prove to me that you'd do anything for me..."

I remember the talk I had with Ma about it, she reassured me that it wasn't my fault and all this other stuff that people say to try and comfort wounded people.

"I felt like the king... I had this cute little kid following me around, willing to do whatever I said just because I said it... And I was a shitty ass person, I wasn't even there when they were pumping your stomach at the hospital." After a deep breath he continued talking. "Roxas... you were this great, carefree person, but I played with your life... you almost died a thousand times over. There's still glimpses of you there... but... Roxas, I can't undo what I did, but that's why I'm trying so hard to help you."

"So that's why I live with you and not Ma? Because you feel guilty..."

"No!" He jumped back in front of me, "That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we broke up because of me, because you were willing to die over me but I couldn't even be bothered to stand with you at the hospital."

I didn't understand where he was going with this.

"Axel doesn't understand how great you are... and maybe that's not a bad thing, maybe... maybe it's better, maybe it'll just save you some discomfort in the future..."

"He wouldn't be like that..."

"You don't know that Roxas," he said all too authoritative, "You don't know him well enough to be able to judge his character like that," standing up, he began to head towards the door.

"I thought you had pretty good character before we dated..." It was a mumble, but he heard it, and he slammed the door as he left.

I may not have known Axel as much as Riku thinks I should, but I know him enough to know he's better than Riku thinks. The way Axel talks about his brother and sister, the way he's handling the stress from his father, every facet of him, he expresses it. What I see when I look at Axel, is someone who wants to get away from it all, he doesn't want drugs, he wants a better life, a life for him and a life that involves a happy future.

Axel isn't what Riku thinks.

Axel isn't what anybody thinks.

~~Axel POV~~

"Why would Roxas do something like that?" My hands curled and punched my steering wheel again, and again, and again. "Fuck!" I screamed, flooring the gas.

We were becoming friends, we were starting to get along, everything was starting to become easier, and now it was all gone. What the Hell was I supposed to do with the information he gave me?

Everything was ruined.

There was no safe haven of going to see Roxas anymore, there was no get away, there was nothing. Just another person on this God forsaken piece of shit Earth to try my hardest to avoid.

"Shut up!" I screamed at my phone, it continued to ring, but I didn't care who was on the other end.

Roxas wasn't 'allowed' to like me. That's not okay.

Why was I shaking so much? Why did it seem like no matter what I did, nothing ever just fucking worked for me?

Things were finally getting good, I finally had something to wake up to every day, and now that was all gone.

He can't like me, he just can't.

We can't hang out now, we can't just be friends, we can't just be around each other, because now, it'll just always be awkward. That's it.

It'll always be fucked up because I'll always know what he expected, and he'll always know how I turned him down.

"Fuck it..."

I pulled the car around way too quickly, parking in front of my house. My fingers slid into my hair as I shook and held my head, everything was down the drain now.

Slamming my forehead against the steering wheel, I didn't care about the alarm that blared from the car, I dare someone to come outside and bitch at me about it. I dare them.

When the knock finally hit my window, I jumped, ready to knock out the little bitch that dared to bothered me.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Shoving my door opened, I didn't give a shit if I pushed her out of the way with it.

"What the fuck is your problem?" She pushed the door back into me, attempting to knock me over.

"Why the fuck are you at my house?" Screaming her face was the worst I would do to her, even though her response was always to shove and hit me back. One of these days I'd hit her. I wouldn't feel bad either.

Oh, women are victims, men are pure evil.

But how many times have I put my hands on her? None.

How many times has she physically assaulted me? About a thousand times. Like right now. She's shoving my shoulders back, without giving me a chance to get my balance back, shoving me over, and over, and over. And now she's punching my collar bone.

I can't even focus on the bullshit that's coming out of her mouth, I'm just trying not to fall on my ass.

Then I hear the names spewing from her lips.

"Shut up!" My voice finally over powered hers.

And now she looks like she's about to cry. Why? She's sitting her calling me names, talking about how I'm a piece of shit, but I tell her to shut up, and I'm the fucking devil. Like always. The only time she doesn't play the victim is when I'm fucking her senseless and 'I'm not 'man' enough', 'I'm not mean enough'.

I no longer care why the fuck she's here. Stalking towards the front door, I hope I can leave her skank ass outside.

"Axel," my father calls, "It's polite to hold the door open for our guest." Of course they knew she was here.

"Then you hold the door open for her." There was a glare that went along with the stark tone in my voice, but like always, my father didn't care.

"Larxene, forgive Axel," my father began his excuses, "He's been feeling under the weather lately. Please, come in."

Don't give a shit. I really don't. About anything.

It's not even one specific thing anymore, just everything all at once, I no longer give a single fuck.

"Axel," my father called up the stairs. Too lazy to walk his happy ass up here to my room. He hated my room, he hated how 'I' was all over this room. My style, my attitude, my 'sloppy' behavior. Too bad.

I wonder how long it'll take before he loses patience and comes up here to drag me out of my room. Laying on my bed, I begin to count, watching the clock tick, then it dawned on me.

He wouldn't come up here and get me, he would just tell everyone I was sick, and he'd be happy about it. He'd be happy that I didn't go down there and embarrass him, he'd lock me up here if he knew he could get away with it...

That mother fucker...

Fuck him.

As I started to make my way downstairs, I noticed everyone was sitting at the table, eating dinner, and Larxene had a huge smile on her face. Once she saw me, that oh-so-sweet smile turned evil.

"I'm sure Axel will join us when he's ready," and her sweet smile was back.

"I'm ready." My voice was a little too loud, my glare a little too harsh, but they all just played it off.

"Oh, there you are sweetie," Larxene said, her tone just as fake as her personality.

Once I noticed the empty plate on the table, I shook my head. They really went all the way to feed into this lie that I was just upstairs not feeling good, when my eyes met my father's, I gave him the meanest look I could. He was probably praying to a god he doesn't even believe in, hoping that I wouldn't come down stairs, hoping I wouldn't 'ruin' this nice meal.

"What's this?" I used my fork to grab whatever skinned animal was on the pan in front of me, it's outside charred and burned.

"It's Rosemary Braised Lamb Shanks, your mother made them, and they are delicious." Again she had a fake ass smile on her face, facing my mother so she could return the same stupid smile.

"Since when do you cook?" The words were muffled as I took a bite of food, "Oh my god, that's disgusting!" The food fell out of my mouth to land back on my plate.

Trust me, this level of disrespect is something I've been working my whole life towards. One time I managed to embarrass my father so bad, he smacked me, of course, he had to take me to a private area first, but he still flipped his lid.

"Oh Axel," Larxene cut in, "You've got to get used to the finer things in life," that fake smile was back on her face. "I love lamb, and this is honestly the best lamb I've ever had."

And again, everyone had a stupid smile on their face.

Larxene was so full of shit, but it didn't matter to anyone else just how fucking ridiculous she really was, because at least she was playing the part.

Looking around the table, I couldn't stomach just how fake everyone was. Smiles plastered on each and every one of their faces while they talked about me, like I wasn't even in the room, talking about how "Axel could go far if he only applied himself."

I'll go far when I burn this fucking house down.

Bouncing my leg wasn't helping me anymore, I pushed myself away from the table and left the house of fucking Barbies and Ken dolls, God how I wish they would all just leave me alone and get the fuck out of my life.

All they care about is dollar signs and fake smiles.

But I'm supposed to believe Vanille when she says "Mom and Dad really love me," bull-fucking-shit, they love me so much that's why they always lie about what I'm doing and can't even come close to the truth, because they don't fucking care! How many times do I storm out of their god damned house, and how many times do they bother to ask where I am or if I'm okay? Never, because they don't fucking give a damn. They don't care about anything except their precious image.

Fuck them.

They can all fucking die in a ditch some where and I'd let them rot there.

Speak of the devil, my phone began to chime in my pocket.

"Are you okay?" I mocked the writing, about to throw the phone to the other side of the car, till I noticed the sender.

"Roxas..."

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.

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Man oh man, long wait indeed...

Shits been crazy, but... what else is knew?...

My fiancée bought me a laptop, a good one, so maybe I'll update more.

I wish I could go back to the days where I uploaded a chapter a day and I was on top of this shit, but now-a-days, it's like every time I have the time, I don't feel like typing, and every time I feel like typing, my hands don't want to work... And shit, if I want to write and my hands are working, then I don't have the time ...

Life is fucking bullshit...

Uploaded: August 6th, 2017