A tapping sound woke me up. It was morning again. I blinked, adjusting my eyes to the light. Renee stood at the door holding a breakfast tray.
"Morning sweetheart." She said as she entered the room, setting the tray down on my nightstand. I fought to suppress a yawn as I sat up.
"Mom… you're back. I-I-I th-thought you weren't getting back until the weekend?"
"Its Saturday Bella." She told me bluntly, passing me a mug of coffee and gesturing at the toast on the tray.
"Oh." I replied before taking a sip of my coffee.
My mom sat there with a funny expression on her face. I just held my mug of coffee and took small sips. I already know what she was going to say.
"Bella…" she began. Her voice trailing off. I kept my eyes on the coffee cup. It would be easier to hear her rejection if I didn't see the look on her face.
"Look sweetheart. We need to talk. I realize that things have been, tough, for you lately. But I'm not sure what else I can do Bella. I can't help you if you won't help yourself."
Those last words stung harder than they should have. I was trying to get better. My best just wasn't good enough. I still could not bring myself to look at Renee's face, though I could feel her gaze resting on me, I resisted the urge to make eye contact.
"I just think, it would be better for both of us if you went to live with Charlie. I think the stability would really help you Bella. You know Im not the most reliable person to live with, especially since my promotion. I can't be here for you, physically, like Charlie can."
I had to admit, her argument made sense. But Renee had always had a way at presenting her cause in a way that left little room for disagreement. Her talent for presenting a case was the reasons that she was away working so much. Her no nonsense attitude and talents of persuasion were very much in demand in the corporate world.
Renee bent down, trying to force me to lock eyes with her. I turned away.
"You know, we're doing this because we love you Bella. You know that right? I only want whats best for you and right now, that is not staying here with me."
I placed my mostly full coffee on the tray. I couldn't drink it now.
"W-w-when is D-d-dad coming to get me?" I managed to croak out. The stuttering was a recent development. The further I had withdrawn from people, the more difficult I found even the basic mechanisms of speech. Renee ignored it though, and I never stuttered when I was talking to myself.
"He can come down in two weekends time. The week after school gets out." She paused, and took a long sip of her own coffee before continuing. "We need to discuss school Bella. The principal called me three times last week. You're not going to pass the grade unless you show up for your exams this week sweetheart. You have been studying, haven't you? You were always so smart. You mustn't waste that Bella, intelligence isn't a gift that everyone is given. Don't forget about your toast."
Somehow my mom had a way of knowing exactly how to phrase something to make me feel as bad as possible about myself. I was relieved when she left the room. Shutting the door behind her.
"I don't want to move to Forks." I whispered, knowing that only I would hear.
The next two weeks were better, because Renee was their to drag me out of bed in the mornings and ferry me to school. But in many ways they were worse. I sat my final exams with no hope of passing any of them. I had not been physically present at school for a few weeks, but in reality it had been months since I had stopped paying attention. Nothing made me feel like more of a failure and disappointment than that last week of junior year, sitting test after test and being barely able to answer any of the questions. It was no surprise when a letter arrive from the school board notifying me that I had failed the grade. All it did was confirm my suspicions.
I was worthless, and my mom couldn't wait to get rid of me.
Charlie arrived on a Friday. Renee picked him up from the airport on her way home from work. It had been years since they'd been in each others company, I was frankly surprised that they could cope with spending the 45 minute drive to our house trapped in the close confines of the car together. I suppose having such a disappointment for a daughter has a way of bringing even the most un-amicably divorced people together.
I was hiding in the sanctuary of my bedroom when they arrived. I couldn't go downstairs to greet them. I knew dinner would be awkward enough.
Instead, I busied myself with packing. Charlie's house was considerably smaller than ours. My bedroom particularly, I was going to have to leave most of my stuff here anyway. There wasn't room for the entire contents of my bookcase as well as my small selection of winter clothing. I sat on the floor in front of my bookshelf and tried to pick only my favourites, but my mood and tried brain made the task impossibly slow work. Making decisions about which Austen novel I enjoyed most was too difficult. I just sat there, staring at the books until I heard mom's voice shouting from downstairs that dinner was ready.
They were both sitting at the table when I reached the kitchen, the food set out in serving dishes in the centre of the table. Renee had made me pasta and pesto. I suppose she wanted me to enjoy our first family meal. I couldn't ever remember a time we had all eaten together. I was on edge before I had even sat down.
"Hey Bells. How's it going?" Charlie asked with an overly exuberant tone, as if he expected my mood to magically lift with his presence. I recoiled in my chair. My eyes flicked down to my empty plate.
"I-I-I'm -fffine." I muttered.
I could feel Dad's concerned eyes on me. I didn't look up until he and Renee started talking, then I was sure he wasn't looking at me.
"Dinner looks great Renee." He said, reaching immediately for the chicken.
"Its nothing, please, enjoy." She replied.
I jut sat silently during dinner, managing a couple of forkfuls of the pasta. It wasn't as if the conservation was flowing. As Renee cleared our plates, Charlie turned to me.
"Our flight leaves at 2pm tomorrow Bells, so we've gotta head to the airport by 11:30 tomorrow morning. How are you getting with your packing."
I gave a shrug in reply to him. There was no way I would be ready in time. He seemed to sense my discomfort, but kept talking at me anyway.
"Do you need a hand with anything?" I shook my head.
"Okay well, I'll be down here all evening if you do. Don't worry about bringing your bags downstairs. I'll get them in the morning." He offered, but I knew he was bluffing. The last I'd heard from Dad, he wasn't allowed to do any heavy lifting. I was surprised he was walking and moving both his arms normally at all. Last I'd heard he was in a pretty poor state after an accident at work, a fall I think. He was off until his PT cleared him. I wasn't sure how accurate that information was, but thats all I could remember from what Renee had told me.
"D-d-d-d-dad, I-I'm going to g-g-go finish up." I said, standing and shuffling awkwardly out of the room. I had spent the last few weeks wishing Renee would stop walking on eggshells around me, it was clear that she had roped Charlie into the act as well.
Back upstairs I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at my half empty suitcases. I had only packed hoodies and jeans so far. I went to my desk and started on a list of the things I needed to get together before the morning. The last thing I wanted was Renee or Charlie coming in here and trying to help me. I couldn't let myself get tried, give up and go to bed before I was finished packing. I had to do this.
I started with my underwear. That was easy, it didn't change depending on the weather. I left the socks that were missing their other halves and moved on to my t-shirts. The long ones I had already packed, but I figured generic, plain tees worked whatever the weather and I shoved most of them into the bag. Shorts were a different matter. I had an entire drawer full of them here, theres no way I would need that many in Washington, it rarely got hotter than warm there. But they still had summer, however short it was. I picked out my 3 favourite pairs and tossed them into one of my cases. After pyjamas and my battered old Pooh bear were in the bags, there wasn't much room for anything else. I went back to my bookcase, willing myself to make the decisions about books that I had been unable to make earlier. But I couldn't do it.
I zipped up my cases. I would read the books anyway.
I stayed up until Renee's light was off and Charlie's snoring had filled the house for a good hour. Then I crept downstairs and left the bags by the door. I didn't want to be a bother.
"Bella… Bella, wake up."
Mom's voice breached my subconscious and I felt myself slowly waking up. She was stood in the doorway with the breakfast tray again. She'd been doing this every morning since she got back from her trip. Coffee and toast, every morning. I never ate the toast, but that did stop her from trying.
"We're heading to the airport in an hour, you've got plenty of time to shower." After setting down the try, she flicked a sad smile at me and left without saying another word.
I lay in bed sipping coffee for at least twenty minutes. It was a strange feeling, not knowing when I'd be back here again. I had hated this house when we'd first moved here. It was far too big for two people, and in one of those new developments in the desert that painted every house a slightly different shade of taupe and had a thick adobo wall around the perimeter to keep out as much wildlife as possible. Strange then, how the place I had hated so much when we first got here had come to feel like home. As I finished my coffee, it dawn on me that it only felt like home because its where my stuff was kept.
I went to go shower, grabbing a random title from my bookshelf and setting it on top of my backpack as I crossed the room.
The drive to the airport was eerily silent. No one– not even Charlie– was talking. I don't think me or mom knew what to say. I wondered what it must feel like for her, to be burdened with someone like me for a daughter, but a lump formed in my throat, so I shifted my attention to taking in the last of the desert landscape that I would see for a while. Feeling the heat from the Arizona sun permeating through the window of the back seat.
Mom dropped us at the kerbside when we reached Sky Harbour, getting out of the car only to give me a brief hug, and sneak a couple of notes into my hand 'for emergencies' before driving off without so much as a wave to either of us. Charlie eyed me with caution, as if he expected me to start crying. But I held myself together as best I could, I had expected as much, Renee didn't want to be burdened with me anymore.
The flight itself was uneventful. We changed planes at SecTac and made it to Port Angeles sometime in the early evening. I spent most of the flight asleep, my head propped against the window. When we left the terminal at Port Angeles, it was difficult not to note the chill in the air. I shuddered, my hoodie was thin, and did very little to keep the cool breeze off of me. It was supposed to be summer.
I followed Charlie down the sidewalk, unsure of where exactly we were headed.
"Uhh… Dad." I called out as he walked in front of me, pushing the luggage cart. "H-how are are are we getting h-h-home?" I was nervous, my stuttering always got worse when I was nervous.
"The cruisers parked in short stay Bells." Charlie hollered.
The cruiser, great.
I had hoped that Dad being off work meant that he wasn't permitted to be driving that thing around. I guess I was wrong about that. I could barely get myself to go to school as it was, I couldn't see how starting at a new place and turning up in a police car every morning would ease my anxieties.
Sure enough, there it was in the parking lot. Charlie unlocked it and popped the trunk.
"Why don't you get in Bells? I can load the bags."
I obeyed his orders.
"So, here we are. Washington state." Charlie said as he got in the drivers side, buckled his seatbelt and started the engine. "Hey, you hungry? Its still about an hour to Forks but, we can stop off and get something now if you like?" Charlie looked hopeful.
I just looked at my knees. "Not hungry." was all I said in reply. Charlie turned on the radio. We drove the entire way in silence.
I fell asleep again in the car. I was even tired, really, it was more a choice of convenience. I woke up as we pulled onto the driveway, the car jostling on the uneven concrete. The house looked exactly the same as it always had from the outside. Perhaps it had had a fresh coat of paint in the years since my last visit, but that was it really. The house was down a typical residential street, but unlike the development in Scottsdale, each of the houses here was different. There were no fences, the boundaries of the properties were simply marked by the edge of the forest.
"Help me with the bags Bells?" Charlie asked as we got out of the car. Nodding, I followed him to the trunk and grabbed the smaller of my bags and my backpack, stepping aside so he could grab the other bags.
"Here we are, home sweet home." Charlie unlocked the door and I followed him inside. The house hadn't changed in here either. I was beginning to think nothing really did change in Forks. "Lets get your bags upstairs Bells. Then I think we'll order a pizza if you like?"
"Uh, n-no. I'm n-not hungry." I replied as we reach the top of the stairs. I let Charlie place my bag in my room.
"Okay then. Get some sleep Bells, I'll see you in the morning." He said before heading back downstairs.
I shut the door after him. Then I just stood in the center of the room, unsure of what to do next. I think I just stood there for hours.