Ch.5

I groaned awake the next morning, my stomach's rumbling acting as my alarm. I skipped dinner again last night, hiding myself away in my room once that uncomfortable car journey was over. No wonder I'm hungry.

I make coffee and a bowl of cornflakes– nothing special– I cover the cornflakes with a sprinkling of sugar before retreating back to my bedroom to eat them there. I turn my chair fully towards the window and open the curtains before getting started on my breakfast. The sky is grey again. But a lighter shade than yesterday. The kind of sky that says cool breezes but not rain.

The girl appears from her house when I'm about half way done with my cereal. Her walk is shuffling, tentative almost. Its the most I've seen her move in all my mornings of voyeurism. She sits stone still on the swing again, and I keep watching. In some way the girl looks as lonely as I feel. We're similar in that way I feel. She never faces my direction, I've no idea what her face looks like from the front, but the slump in her shoulders suggests to my that her facial expression is not a happy one.

I watch the girl until my cereal is soggy and my coffee is barely lukewarm. I try to finish the cereal, but even my addition of sugar cannot save the texture, and it still tastes as bland as cardboard anyway. I turn and place the bowl on my desk, trading it for my coffee cup. The new orange pill bottle sits on my desk. Charlie must have placed it there while I was sleeping. I eye it with caution.

'Take one a day for seven days. Then, take two a day. Best taken with food. Do not take more than the stated dose.' The specific instructions on the label catch my interest, this, I'm sure is what the doctor was telling Charlie when she kicked me out of the room yesterday. I let out a huff of belated annoyance at the memory. Still, I'd better take them. Charlie was very clear about that.

I open the pill bottle and pick one of the small white pills up, holding it in my palm and staring at it. Its nothing special to look at, just a regular, tiny oval with a groove imprinted down its middle. I swallow it with a gulp of coffee and go back to gazing out of the window.

I stayed in my bedroom for the rest of the day. I was feeling a little weird. Tired, I suppose, though that was nothing normal. But it wasn't the kind of tiredness that I was used to, one minute I was sitting on my chair, the next thing I knew three hours had passed and I had a stiff neck from sleeping. My impromptu nap left me with a splitting headache that left me squinting at the natural light in my room. It wasn't a typical headache. It wasn't like my head was throbbing, or in a vice. Instead, I felt like my brain was being stabbed by loads of tiny shards of ice, or glass. It was impossible to concentrate on anything.

I laid in bed for most of the afternoon, braving a trip to the kitchen at around 4pm to get a peanut butter sandwich. I ate half of it siting in my bed. Yawning in between bites. I never bothered changing out of my pyjamas, it did seem worth it. That night I slept in them again, my headache had not cleared away. Getting changed into clean clothes would be a job for tomorrow Bella. Tonight, I just wanted to sleep.

I woke up the next morning feeling even worse. My room stunk of peanut butter, I had never finished the other half of my sandwich, and left on my nightstand in the stuffy air of my room the usually pleasant scent of peanut butter had spread all around the room.

Heading to the kitchen, I threw away the offending article.

"Morning Bella, you want coffee?" Charlie asked, holding the steaming pot in one hand. I hadn't even noticed that he was in here. I shook my head, and made myself a glass of water instead. I wasn't in the mood to talk to Charlie right now. Only when he left the room, taking his cup out into the garden did I pour myself a cup.

I ate breakfast in my room again, although this morning I sat on the floor in front of my window, balancing my bowl of cereal and my coffee cup on the ledge. The girl was out again today, facing away from me as always. My pills sat on the edge of my desk, I took one quickly, afraid that I would otherwise forget and turned my attention back to the world outside the window.

It had been about 4 minutes since I had sat down when I began to feel strange. Twitchy almost. I went to the bathroom and took a gulp of water, thinking that would help. Predictably, it did nothing. It was only as I was closing my bedroom door behind me that I realised my hands were shaking.

'Thats weird. I don't feel that cold.' I thought to myself with a shrug, before changing out of my pyjamas and into a pair of sweatpants and a sweater that were near the top of my still unpacked cases.

I sat back in front of the window, this time grabbing a pillow from my bed to make it more comfortable. I was feeling more than a little nauseated. Actually, I was feeling extremely nauseated. I pushed the window up a little, opening it enough for a cool breeze to blow gently over my face. Sitting there, breathing in the air, I let my eyes drift closed and tried not to fall asleep.

I'm not sure that I was successful, also it was hard to tell. I felt like my head was a glass full of water being lightly shook, drops of water sloshing over the sides. When I next opened my eyes, everything looked exactly the same. The only difference was the dark haired girl, who was gazing up at my window with quizzical eyes.

I shot up, my face no doubt flushed bright red and felt a head smack as my head connected with the underside of the window. I pulled my head back inside, rubbing the tender spot on my head. At least it was under my hair, so you wouldn't see the bruise, and thank goodness I wasn't bleeding. The girl semi smiled at me in a sympathetic gesture. I shrugged, pulling the window so that it was all but closed, only a small crack of fresh air getting into my room. In doing so, I almost didn't see the strange girl raising her hand at me in a still sort of wave. I raised my hand back, not wanting to appear rude, before hastily shutting the curtains and disappearing into the darkness of my room.

The next three days were a blur of trembling fingers, pounding headaches and impromptu naps. Thankfully, by Tuesday I began to feel somewhat human again, although I hadn't left my room for anything other than bathroom breaks in all that time. With my headache miraculously disappeared, I decided to try my luck with a shower.

Washing away the grime of malaise felt wonderful, and luckily the heat of the shower did not encourage my headache to return. Dressed in some fresh clothes from my suitcase that I still hadn't felt the need to unpack, I ventured downstairs in search of food.

I passed my Dad in the living room, he was sitting with his morning coffee in the armchair, watching a particularly dull looking show about fishing. He is a man of few interests.
"Bella, you're up!" He smiled at me, the shock evident in his voice.

"Yeah… I'm just gonna grab something to eat."

"Good, thats good. You go do that.'

I got myself out of the room as fast as I could. My Dad's utter excitement at me just going to make myself some breakfast unnerved me. I hadn't really spoken to him since his outburst in the car last week, and I still didn't really want to.

I made myself ramen noodles for breakfast. Cooking them on the stovetop, dragging out the process for as long as possible. Charlie wandered into the kitchen just as I was transferring the cooked noodles into a bowl to eat.

"Hey Bells?" I turned to face him. "I have to step out for a few hours, you gonna be alright here on your own?" I balk at the question. Renee never asked me if I was going to be ok alone, often leaving me for days at a time for business trips. The idea of me not being ok in the house alone for a couple of hours is, frankly, laughable to me.

"Of course. I'll be fine."

I brush passed him with my breakfast and retreat upstairs before he can lecture me on who to call if theres an emergency. I'm not a child.

He'd been gone around twenty minutes by the time I was done eating. I took the empty bowl back down to the kitchen and just stood there for a few minutes, unsure of what to do. The living room was exactly the same as it had always been, pictures of my Grandma and Grandpa Swan sat next to a family portrait of Renee, Charlie and I on the shelf above the fire place. The shag rug and couch cushions were the same ones that had been here since I was a baby. For a living room, Charlie's was stagnant. Clinging to the past.

I had to get out of the house, just for a little while. I'd be back before Charlie, but just in case I made sure I had my cell phone and key and headed out for a walk around the neighbourhood.

It was the warmest day I had experienced so far in Forks. The sun, surprisingly, was not merely peeking through the cloud cover but rather shining brightly in a cloudless sky. If I closed my eyes, I could almost pretend I was in Arizona. Almost. The relentless humidity of the air cut through my otherwise perfect illusion.

My walk took me down streets and past building that were at once familiar and foreign. It had been so many years since I had lived here, and I had been so young, that my spatial memories of the town where absent. I wandered for about an hour, trying to find the park that I remembered was somewhere near the house. I failed. Walking in circles until I decided to give up and head back to Charlie's.

Fortunately on my way home, I didn't get lost. I did trip on the sidewalk though, banging my knee rather sharply on the concrete. My walk home took longer than planned, the pain in my knee making it difficult to fully straighten my leg. I would definitely need to ice it when I got home.

Finally I turned onto the street and the house was in sight. I picked up my pace, rushing to the driveway as quickly as I could. Getting to the freezer and to the bag of peas I knew was in there was, at this point, my sole focus in life. In fact, I
was so completely focused on getting inside that I failed to noticed I was being followed.

"Excuse me." The voice was far too close, I felt the vibrations of speech on the back of my neck and screamed, practically falling over again as I turned to face the person. I was rendered speechless.

In front of me now stood positively the most handsome boy I had ever seen in my life. It didn't help that the sun was directly behind him, casting a halo of light through his messy bronze hair. I couldn't help but stare at him, my cheeks reddening as I did.

"Are you the girl who been watching my sister?" My eyes widen. 'Oh crap, he thinks I'm a stalker.' I thought, hoping to keep my facial expression somewhat neutral. I didn't reply.

"Look, I know its you. You're the Chief's daughter, right?"

I nod at this at least.

"If you know what good for you, you will stay away from my sister. Stop watching her, stop looking at her, and God help you if you talk to her, got it?"

"S-s-sure." My voice quivers in reply.

He doesn't respond verbally. He just flares his nostrils, eyes me with a decidedly extreme expression of hatred and stalks back towards his own house. I watch him go, my mouth gaping.

"Whats his problem?"

I ask myself as I sit in the kitchen, finally icing my injured knee.

That was the last day I opened my curtains that summer.

Shorter chapter again I know. But hopefully the pace of the story will pick up from this point.

Big thanks again to everyone reading, reviewing, following and favouriting! Every view keep me wanting to write!

I've made a tumblr page for this story, music, pictures, extras details etc will be posted there. So follow along if you like, just search coping-mechanisms-fic over there.

This story is based on my own personal experiences of depression and anxiety. While I am by no means an expert, I do know how it manifests in me. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Liv