Ch.8

Surprisingly, we did not go straight home after the meeting as I expected, but rather Charlie turned the opposite direction, heading towards the small center of the town. I should have known our destination the moment we turned left at the gas station. The diner. Charlie loved that place, he was always taking me there as a kid for pancakes. We as pulled in to the potholed parking lot, the outside was unchanged, giving me that feeling of vague familiarity although it had been years since my last visit.
"Lets grab some lunch." Charlie said as he began his stiff exit from the car, wincing slightly as he stood. I did not offer an answer, but simply followed. It was before 11am, too early for lunch, and I felt like I had only just had my breakfast. Going along was easier than stating my objections openly.
The diner smelled like grease and burnt coffee grounds, overpoweringly so. If I had been hungry before, I don't think I would be now anyways. Charlie nodded to the waitress as he headed towards one of the booths, with worn plastic seating and a table edged in metal that once must have been shiny but was now dulled with age.
'Will this one do?" Charlie asked, waiting for my answer before he could take a seat.
"Its fine."I replied, shuffling into the booth on the opposite side to Charlie.
The waitress approached us with two menus.
"Good Morning Chief, can I get you started with something to drink?"
"Just the usual, and you Bells?"
"Um, diet coke, no ice, thanks." I muttered, not able to make eye contact with the bubbly lady.
"Coming right up, I'll be back to take your food order in a hot minute." She said before turning toward the register and leaving.
Charlie handed me one of the menus. "Get whatever you like Bells." He smiled.
I just stared at it on the table in front of me. After that meeting, food was the last thing on my mind.
The waitress was back after what seemed like seconds. "Ready to order?" You could heard the plastic smile on her face as she spoke.
"I'll take a Reuben, fries on the side. And you Bells?"
Feeling two sets of eyes on me, I panicked just a little. That unnecessary kind of panic. I had to pick something.
"Just a side of fries." I muttered. Something I could pick at, and not be expected to finish entirely.
"okay I'll be back with your order in just a minute."
"Sounds good." Charlie replied, stirring a sweetener into his black coffee.
We sat in an awkward silence until the food came. And for a few moments afterwards. Charlie ate his sandwich as if he had not eaten yet today. His first few bites were frantic, but then he slowed down a little. Taking a second to actually chew his food. I made a show of shaking the ketchup bottle and squirting a little on my plate, before dragging one of my fries through the ketchup in a swirl.
"Dig in Bella."
I flashed an unsuspecting smile. "I'm not that hungry," I replied, taking a sip of my cola.
Charlie was quite for a moment, enjoying his own lunch before starting.
"Meeting went well, didn't it Bells. I think it did." He said.
I shrugged, "I suppose."
"I think it did." There was a pause as Charlie ate some of his fries. "Are you looking forward to school starting Bells? I know it'll be a bit different to your last school. But it sounds like they really want to help here. Thats a good thing. I certainly think it is."
"I guess, er, well, not really. I don't know." I took a big gulp of my coke then, hoping that it might distract Charlie from his questioning.
"I know it will be hard for you Bella." Charlie looked hard at me as he said this. " But I want to help you, make it as easy as we can. I'd like to give you something." Charlie reached into his jacket pocket, as finished out an envelope, setting it on the table between us.
"Its a debit card. I opened an account for you, for your allowance."
"Oh Charlie, you didn't have to do that." I said.
"No but I wanted to. To help. I've put $200 in there, for you to get some new clothes. I know your clothes from Arizona won't be warm enough for here once Fall and Winter get started. Theres enough in the account for you to pick up some new clothes for the year. And supplies. If you need them."
I hold the envelope in both hands, staring at it. The gesture is too nice. I don't deserve it. I held the paper so tightly that it began to crumple in my hands.
I thought we could drive out to Port Angeles tomorrow. To the mall there. A shopping day, how does that sound?" Charlie asked hopefully.
I set the envelope carefully on the table between us. Shopping, in a mall. It was the absolute last thing that I wanted to do. But then, I couldn't disappoint Charlie any more than I already had. What kind of daughter was I?
Charlie certainly sensed my trepidation. He paused with his sandwich half raised to his face, just about to take a bite and simply said. "It can be used to make online purchases as well. I checked." Before going right back to his lunch.
I felt my shoulders visibly loosen. Online shopping, I could certainly handle that. I popped a fry in my mouth, although I regretted it as I chewed. They were soggy rather than crispy. Washing it down with a gulp of soda, I played with the envelope until lunch was over, the meal had been paid for, and it was time to head home.

I went straight up to my room when we got home. Charlie dropped me there, he was heading to the grocery store. I didn't feel like going with him. Instead I went to the desk and booted up my laptop. It took a while to get started, I had had it since the last year of middle school, but it worked just fine. I was almost excited about finding clothes for school. I knew my things from Arizona would be fine for a little while longer. It did get a little cold in the desert in winter, contrary to popular belief. But I didn't really have any clothes suited to the damp, cold winter that lay ahead, let alone snow.
Summer was already fading away, the air was already cooling off. The sky was grey this afternoon, not that that meant anything in this part of the world. Where it was more often raining than it was dry.
I spent hours scrolling through different clothing sites, trying to find something suitable. But I couldn't seem to find anything that was right. The winter coats all seemed either too garish, too plain, not warm enough, or too warm. By 5pm I had given up on finding any new clothes tonight. Instead I went to a stationary site, and ordered myself some new notebooks and pens. Practical things. The coat could wait, I'd need boots as well, but I hadn't even begun to look for any today.
Charlie called me down for dinner shortly after I was finished with my shopping. I went down hesitantly. Still not comfortable with the routine of nightly dinners, the careful questioning about my welfare and state of mind. I couldn't deal with it this evening. Not after that meeting this morning. My time online had been a good distraction. But I was not in any state to chat about it over spaghetti. I put my serving into a bowl and took it back to my bedroom, telling Charlie that I wasn't done with my shopping and needed to go back upstairs. There was no protest. I ate in my room in silence, taking my bowl back to the kitchen when I was done. Afterwards I simply went back upstairs and got into bed, still wearing my clothes. Sleep didn't come so quick tonight. I didn't believe that it would come at all.

I felt myself slipping back into my old habits, as the week progressed. I didn't venture to the meadow once. Couldn't bring myself to go. I could barely go downstairs. All I could think of was school starting. How it wouldn't be like my old school, which had a large enough student body to allow me to slip unnoticed into the backdrop.
Forks was a small town. A small town in the middle of nowhere. Not the kind of place that had families flocking to move there. No. I knew on Monday that I would stick out like a sore thumb. The attention would be one thing, but being the new girl and being in remedial classes. I wasn't sure how I would handle that level of scrutiny. I was not even sure that I could.
By the time Sunday morning rolled around I was noticeably haggard from my succession of sleepless nights. As I was going down to the kitchen to make myself a coffee that morning, even Charlie felt the need to comment.
"Goodness Bella, you're not looking too well." I shrugged in response, still standing on the bottom part of the staircase. "Coffee?" I nodded. "Well let me bring it up to you. You go and lie down, rest up today."
"You don't have to…" I started to say, but I was interrupted.
"I wasn't asking Bells. You look exhausted. Go back to bed, and I'll bring you some coffee and something to eat."
"Thanks Charlie." I smiled before going back upstairs.
I crawled back beneath the sheets and must have dozed off to sleep, the next thing I remember, Charlie was knocking lightly on my bedroom door, shakily holding a mug of coffee in his hand.
"Coffee's here Bells." He laid it down on my nightstand, and stroked my hair lightly before he turned to leave the room. "Enjoy, big day tomorrow." And couldn't I forget it.

I spent the rest of the day cooped up in my room. Trying to do anything to distract myself from tomorrow. I tried to read, but the words seemed to blur together and I couldn't make sense of them enough to follow a story. I tried drawing, but my pen could only seem to make eyes that watched me with intent and disgust from the page. I tried eating lunch, and dinner, but I could barely manage to keep down more than a couple of mouthfuls at eat meal.
By 8pm, my nerves were partially making me shiver. I took a long shower, hoping it would help but it did not. I stood in the bathroom in my pajamas with a towel wrapped round my still damp hair after I was done, taking some deep breaths.
I dreaded the thought of getting into bed tonight. Of the sleeplessness. Tossing and turning. I just wanted tomorrow to be over with. It would get easier with time, I knew that. If only it could be tomorrow night already. I opened the medicine cabinet, there was some cold medicine in there, the kind that makes you drowsy. I removed two from the packet, popped them into my mouth and took a sip of water from the faucet to accompany them.
I brushed out my hair and braided it loosely while I waited for the medicine to kick in. I got into bed with still damp hair and pulled the sheets up to my shoulders. My eyelids got heavy and began to droop.
I slept without dreaming. Indeed, waking to the sound of my alarm, it appeared that I had barely moved throughout the night, instead of the regular tossing and turning that usually occurred while I was sleeping. The effects of the medicine lingered however. I struggled to open my eyes. Blinking furiously, I forced myself to sit up. I had to be different this year. I had to try.
I dressed in dark blue jeans, a soft black t-shirt and a faded blue hoodie, unzipped. The weather at this time of year and proving, unpredictable. I had a fold able umbrella in my backpack in case of rain. Once I was dressed, I brushed my teeth and undid my braid. My hair had dried in light waves. I looked like I had made some kind of effort I'm sure. That was important for making a good impression. Grabbing my backpack, I gave it one final check, making sure that my new pens and notepads were packed up, as well as my sketchpad. And I made sure that I had packed my wallet, to buy some lunch. This done, I headed downstairs.
A cup of coffee was waiting for me on the table, I drank it down in a few gulps, afraid that if I nursed it for too long I might never finish it.
Charlie came into the room then. "Morning Bella. You all set? Had anything to eat yet?"
"Not yet." I set my coffee down in the sink and walked toward the fruit bowl. "I'll just have an apple on the way. Too nervous." I spoke to the floor.
"Sounds good, I'll go get my keys."
I followed Charlie to the car. We drove in a silence which became all the more oppressive the closer we got to the school. When we were just around the corner I turned to Charlie.
"Pull over here Dad. I'll walk the last bit."
"Oh Bells, It's no bother, I can drop you right outside."
"No really. I want to walk a little. Settle my nerves. Please?"
"Fine. But I'll pick you up outside the office once the day is over."
"Sounds good." Charlie pulled the car over, but didn't cut off the engine. "See you later Bells, alright. And take this, to get some lunch." He put $5 in my hand.
"Thanks, Dad. I'll see you this afternoon."

Though it was just around the corner, the school felt so far away. I was plenty early. It wasn't even 8am yet, and first period didn't start until 8:30. Still, as much as I wanted to make my walk last the entirety of the next thirty-five minutes, I forced myself to hurry. Hoping to be out of the sight of the crowds once they started to arrive.
Arriving at the school,I headed straight for the office to collect my schedule and sign in, as I had been told I should. The receptionist handed me a schedule and a map of the school, as well as a slip that was to be signed for each period and returned at the end of the day. Truthfully it seemed that she could not get me out of there quick enough.
I stepped away from the desk and took a look at my schedule. It was far from complex. There was no gym, as agreed. Indeed the only thing that was listed, for every period, class 315 with Ms Kay. At least you wont get lost remembering where all the classrooms are. I told myself, as if it would make me feel better.
Glancing at the map of the school, it seemed that Room 315 was tucked away on the furthest side of the school, its door no off of one of the corridors, but opening to the outside, facing the forest. I walked out into the main corridor and out of one of the exits, deciding to walk outside the whole way, unseen. I glanced at my phone to check the time. It was only 8:10.
I opened the door, expecting to find the room empty. Indeed, Ms Kay was not yet at her desk. However there were two other students at the desks already, although neither of them sat next to each other. A blonde girl sat in the central aisle, a row back from the front. Her piercing blue eyes glared daggers at me with such intensity that I was forced to avert my gaze. I left my eyes flick to the very back corner of the room, where a small girl with an ink black pixie cut sat staring out of the window. The girl from the swing.
I walked to the opposite side of the room from the black haired girl, and made sure that I was a few rows behind the blonde girl. I knew there was no way that I could ever concentrate on graduating on time if I was being glared at all day. I sat in a desk, and set my backpack on the chair beside me. I hadn't bothered going to my locker. I didn't need it, if I was to be in here all day. I got a new notebook and my pencil case out of my backpack. Id been using the same pencil case for years. It was made of acid wash denim, Renee had brought it back for me from one of her business trips. I liked that it wasn't bright. It didn't stand out. It just blended in, like I had always tried to.
My phone read 8:25. I could hear the faint chattering of the students in the adjacent classrooms. Ours was still silent. There was still no sign of Ms Kay. I glanced around at the other two students. The blonde girl sat staring ahead, looking directly at the door. Swing girl, as I decided to call her, was still staring out of the window.
I sighed placing my elbow on the tabletop and resting my chin in my hand. This was going to be a long year. The classroom door opened and I jumped slightly in a street.
"Oh excellent, everyone is here." Ms Kay smiled as she closed the door behind her and walked toward her desk, setting down her own bag. "I hope you're all as excited as I am to get the year off to a good start."
Yippee, I thought to myself, I can hardly wait.

A/N

Another gap between updates. I can only apologize. This story is hard for me to write. Drawing on my own experience with mental illness, especially during times where my own illness is doing a lot better than Bella's is right now.

Anyway I do hope you enjoy this chapter. I felt I had to leave it there otherwise it would have been three chapters in one. I'll try to be back sooner than last time. Thank you to everyone who has followed, favorited or reviewed. Its great to know that people are reading. It really is.

Until next time.