Disclaimer: DA is still not mine, sadly enough. I wish I owned these adorable characters.
A/N: I wrote this when I needed a break from a lot of angsty stuff for another fic that made me rather emotional. So, it's just something that distracted me, some meaningless dialogue and a kinda cheesy ending to lighten my mood and hopefully that of the Baxley supporters out there, too.
You know, I'd love you forever if you hit the small button at the bottom and leave me a comment (aka review ;-) ).
He approached her that night while she was sitting in front of the fireplace in the servants hall after everyone else had gone to bed. With the bad news about the car crash at the race and the sudden death of Charles Rodgers, no one was really in a mood for a long night, it seemed.
It hadn't gone unnoticed to Molesley that Ms. Baxter had been quiet all evening. Though she was seldomly one to lead a conversation among the colleagues, she would normally put in a comment or two whenever she thought fit. Tonight however, she had been extraordinarily unengaged in the talks surrounding her. Molesley knew that he shouldn't be able to read her absentminded look as one of distress, it was everything but appropriate for him to know a co-worker so well. But more often than not, Molesley couldn't help himself but to observe the ladies maid trying to read her emotions and had therefore developed rather a sense for guessing her current state of mind.
In order not to startle Ms. Baxter from her thoughts, Molesley pushed his chair backwards loudly when he stood up.
"Oh, Mr. Molesley, you're still here", Baxter turned towards him upon hearing the scratching sound, "I thought everyone had gone upstairs already."
"They have", Molesley returned, "I wanted to call it a night, too. But then, I … are you alright?"
"Of course, I'm alright. Just a bite tired, I guess", she replied but Molesley didn't believe her words. They didn't reflect her behavior that evening. Still, he chose not to comment on it directly. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable by catching her in a lie.
"Who wouldn't be, after such days?", he almost jokingly returned, attempting to lighten the mood a little. He didn't want Ms. Baxter to go to bed sad.
"I guess you're right", she sighed, "it all was a bit overwhelming."
"You've been unusually quiet tonight", Molesley blurted out before he could even stop himself. "I – I mean, everyone was talking about the accident and, well … you've been there so I wondered w-why you didn't share your thoughts."
Baxter attempted to smile at Molesley and while he knew it was honest he also saw how difficult it came to her tonight. She cared for the man in front of her and she knew he cared for her, and she didn't want to disappoint him but the last days really had sent her thoughts spinning and she wasn't sure what to say – or what he wanted to hear from her. It wasn't just the horrible crash that occupied her mind but something that she and Anna had talked about the night before.
"My mind had been somewhere else, I suppose", she shrugged and at the same time wondered how long it would take for Molesley to inquire further. But this time, he didn't. He probably had realized how hard it was to get an answer out of her that night and only smiled sadly at her instead. So sadly in fact, that it almost broke her heart to see him care so much.
"I don't think I should tell you this, because it's not official yet, but I trust you won't tell anyone?" Baxter cryptically asked.
Molesley just blinked, trying to access the words until he noticed that his friend was waiting for some kind of response. Most likely some kind of agreeing to keeping quiet. He nodded fiercely, at this point being sure to keep quiet about whatever she asked him to if it gave him the opportunity to find out what the source of Ms. Baxter's distress was.
"It's Anna, I mean Mrs. Bates. She told me last night that -", Baxter paused there for a moment and Molesley noted a strangely content look on her face, almost like the hint of a smile but not quite, "she's expecting." Now, she grinned open wide upon the revelation of the younger woman's happy news.
"That's great news, isn't it?" Molesley said, excited but also with the thought in mind that Ms. Baxter had seemed a little down about something earlier.
"Oh yes, yes that's great news all right. I'm happy for her – and Mr. Bates, of course. After everything they deserve a little happiness."
Molesley eyed his friend suspiciously. He was suddenly determined to cheer her up somehow. "You deserve to be happy, too!", he exclaimed.
"I know you mean well, Mr. Molesley", she sighed, feeling very tired, "but I can't be entirely convinced, I'm afraid."
Not for the first time since they knew each other, Molesley chose not to comment on the obvious insecurities Baxter still had and the low self-esteem that clouded her judgment and kept her from accepting that she, like everyone else, deserved a good life.
They kept quiet for some minutes in which Molesley pondered whether he should stay and keep Ms. Baxter company or rather follow the others up and call it a night. When a peculiar thought crossed his mind, he chose to take a seat near the fireplace, too, and raised his voice again, "Are you sad because it's Anna a-and ...", it wasn't only his voice that failed him mid-sentence but much more so his courage. He shouldn't even think what he had in mind, let alone say it, but he had began and judging the look in Ms. Baxter's face she was eagerly waiting for him to elaborate. "What I mean was, with Anna being, you know, pregnant, would – well, if I was a woman it would certainly make me think about children, too."
Molesley couldn't read her neutral expression. He thought that most likely she was in her mind trying to find out what he had been trying to say with all his ramblings and stuttering. He could really be such a dimwit from time to time.
But then she said with a smile and a voice that made the words sound so much more natural, "Are you asking me if I'm depressed because she's going to have a child and I don't?"
"It was a stupid thought, I'm sorry", Molesley admitted, feeling stupid and rather shy about the turn the conversation had taken.
"No, it wasn't", Baxter objected. She hated to see how Molesley always tended to talk ill of himself. If only he could see what a great person he was. "Of course, I've thought about it – once or twice in my life, but I made a choice when I decided to work in service, and I wouldn't have it any other way", she added as soon as she saw him make a face that implied he felt bad for her.
He was feeling rather straightforward when he said, "I think you would have been a perfect mother."
It was clear to Baxter that he meant what he said, with Molesley she could always tell by the way he spoke whether he was uncertain about something or altogether convinced. She didn't want to object him, but she didn't quite want to agree either, so she tilted her head in thought and replied, "Maybe you're right. But then again, I was never in the position to decide actively on staying in service or starting a family. So, there's really nothing for me to regret."
"If you say so", Molesley murmured, still thinking that Baxter had looked a little sad when he had approached her and still wanting to find out the reason.
"Yes, I say so", she almost snapped before her voice went softer again when she continued, "We both know that there are quite some things I regret in my life, but not having children isn't one of of them. You know, not all women are destined to be mothers, and the last thing I would have wanted is to spend my life as a farmer's wife with more children then sheep. I am perfectly content where I am now."
"Then, what made you so sad? Please don't try to deny it, I have been watching you and I know that look", Molesley once more tried to get through to his friend in finding out what had bothered her so much. But he believed her now that the subject of children had nothing to do with it.
"I wasn't sad, just a bit – I don't know, emotional? Anna and I were there, you know. We saw the burning car and how Mr. Talbot tried to save his friend, but he was too late. The flames were already everywhere", she explained. Molesley was glad she was finally opening up a little when she went on, "Something like this, it makes you think about your own life, where you stand, what you want. I realized that I should use every moment because tomorrow could be too late. Just like you do."
"Me?", Molesley asked, confused about how she came to that strange conclusion now.
"Yes, you. You're taking a chance by becoming a teacher, you take the risk because this is what you really want to do. I couldn't be more proud of you. Please don't think I'm not only because I didn't comment on it earlier when everyone was talking about it. Which I'm sorry for, I should have congratulated you right away but I – well, my mind was elsewhere."
Yes, she could have said something sooner but that didn't matter at all to Molesley who could right then only think of one thing: she was proud of him. Something, he had never thought he would hear anybody say to him, let alone someone he liked as much as he liked Ms. Baxter. "It doesn't matter, you've said something now. It's true, I'm glad I grabbed this opportunity, but that's only because I've had such great support from you."
Baxter shook her head, but she smiled nonetheless upon Molesley's words, "Will you ever stop selling yourself short? I wish I was as brave as you."
It always wondered him how Ms. Baxter could see things like bravery in him and failed to see that she herself was just as brave, if not more so, he thought. "But you are brave", he objected, "you've built a new life for yourself, taking the risk of telling her Ladyship the truth about your past and telling me and agreeing to testify against that man in court. You don't want to see it yet, but you are brave and I know you could do anything you wanted."
"There's not much I would want to change. Like I said, I am quite happy with my life now."
Molesley didn't want to let go that easily, though. He knew Ms. Baxter to be a person who was rather content with what she had instead of wishing for something more. It was a large contrast to the way she had acted back when she had stolen those jewels from her former employer, and the fact that she was so very different from her actions only proved to Molesley that she had only acted upon Mr. Coyle's instructions. "But there must be something you would wish for if you had the choice?"
She frowned and Molesley gave her a minute or so to think until she said, "You're right, there is something. But I'm not even sure if I would want to change that because, as it seems, I'm really not as brave as you want to think me to be."
She took a deep breath and watched her friend for a while, only to continue, "The thing is, there is someone I like very much. More than I should, I'd say, because he is only a friend. And I wish I could tell him that because until now, I never said a thing and I'm afraid … well, I don't want to – I can't lose him."
To say that he was surprised would have been the biggest understatement of his life. In fact, Molesley didn't have a clue how to respond to that. It took him a moment to grasp the full extend of what she had just told him, but when comprehension hit, it took him everything not to break down right there and then. Molesley felt a sudden tinge inside himself and wondered if this was what heartbreak felt like. Ms. Baxter was having feelings for someone – someone who was not him, obviously. And there she was, basically asking him to support her. When he blinked he noticed that tears had already formed in his eyes and he hurried to turn away, so that she would not see them.
He was feeling like hell, but Molesley half-heartedly collected himself. It had been him who had pushed her into telling him this and she had after all told him he was brave, so he would not be a coward now and back out just because things didn't go his way. Anyway, he should have been used to that by now, Molesley thought, it was most of the time that things didn't go his way so what had made him think that it would ever be different? If anything had made him come to the conclusion that Ms. Baxter would feel for him like he did for her then it was only his own imagination. Molesley had lived in is own world for too long, a world in which he interpreted every smile, every gesture as so much more than it apparently was. It was like being hit by a cold storm unsuspectedly to realize now that it had all been just that – his imagination.
Making sure that his voice sounded stronger than he felt in that moment, Molesley turned back to the woman in front of him and whispered, "You should tell him, I think you should. Because, if you don't you will forever think about the change you might have made. In the end, there's nothing we regret more than the chances that we didn't take."
"You're right, as always you're right", Baxter agreed. She had watched him those last few minutes and was worried when she saw his expression change so drastically. In the first moment, she had feared that it had been wrong of her to say what she had told him but then, when she had seen the glimmering tears in his eyes that he had failed to hide away, it had occurred to her that somehow he had gotten her words completely wrong, so it was for her to make things right as soon as possible. "You always know what to do or what to say. You know me so well. That's one reason I love you so much."
"You what? But you just said th-that ...", Molesley cried out. Seeing Ms. Baxter standing in front of him, nervously chewing on her lips and waiting for a decent reply, he slowly put two and two together, concluding that it had been him who she was talking about. He could hit himself for drowning in self-pity when he should have just listened to what she had said between the lines.
"Like I said, I don't want to lose any more time, and I've been quiet because I couldn't make up my mind about telling you all this, but you supported me and encouraged me and that made me realize once more how much I care for you, and that made me tell you."
"You m-mean, you … Me?", he stuttered, not even noticing that Baxter had taken hold of his hands in the meantime to try to calm him down a little, "I don't – I … I mean, I love you, too." And, as if to prove his point, he stood up, pulling Ms. Baxter with him from her own chair. For a moment he was still holding her hands but then he freed himself from the touch and raised one hand up to her cheek. Baxter followed his movement with her eyes slowly, then raised her face to his to meet his gaze. She wrapped her arms around him tightly when she noticed how Molesley's hand softly pulled her closer to him. Giving in to the intimacy of the quietness that surrounded them, she closed her eyes and their lips met in a soft, hesitant kiss. It felt as if the whole room around them was vanishing and all that mattered was the couple wrapped closely together by the fireplace.