Hey guys please don´t hate me for the things that will happen in this chapter. I really wanted to make one with only sad parts (unless one happy part) and you should all know that everything will have a happy end. but for now this is a very sad part for most.

hope you like it though

Hurts like hell

Grief.

It´s something normal nowadays.

But most people are afraid of it.

They are afraid about what would happen, so they´ll need to grief.

There are five stages of grief.

Lexie splashed water onto her face to wash away the dried tears. She looked into the mirror of the intern´s locker room as she dried her face with a paper towel.

"Lexie." she heard Jackson´s voice and saw his image in the mirror. "Are you coming home or will you stay here?" he asked and Lexie looked down at her hands. "You´ll stay." he sighed rubbing his forehead. Lexie looked up again and their eyes met over the mirror.

"It´s because of Mark isn´t it?" he asked not breaking their gaze and Lexie didn´t either. "Of course it is." he nodded feeling the anger coming up. "You know I am willing to give you your space and to wait until you´re ready though it is hard to have a girlfriend for almost two months without sex in all the time but it´s okay...because I...because I love you." he explained and Lexie´s eyes opened widely before she looked down again still not saying a word. "I love you Lexie. And I will give you all the time you need to get over Mark but...I want to know if you will ever get over him. And if it does make a sense for me to wait." Jackson finished and Lexie bit on her lips nervously. "Okay...Goodbye." he turned around and walked towards the door when Lexie also turned around.

"Wait!" she commanded, her voice sounding weak. Jackson faced her again rather surprised about her change of heart, when she came closer and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I´ll come with you." she meant after breaking the kiss and Jackson´s lips formed into a smile.

Denial.

We don´t want it to be true.

We hope that when something bad happened,

it was just a joke and there comes a camera out of somewhere.

We want to believe the opposite.

"Mer? Are you alright?" Cristina asked laying in her friend´s bed while Meredith was staring at the ceiling not answering. "You know you can talk to me...whenever you want." she looked at the blonde woman who still wasn´t giving any sign. "Mer, I know it´s hard but-"

"You know nothing." Meredith replied with a shaky voice and tearful eyes. "I-I´m sorry I didn´t mean to-" Meredith excused her mean words against Cristina and wiped away a tear.

"No..no I understand. I´ve been through a similar situation, you remember?" Cristina didn´t feel offended and still tried to comfort her friend.

"Yes but...I don´t...I just don´t know why and how...why me and how did I deserve this?" she sobbed still staring at the ceiling. "What kind of humor does the universe have?"

"A remarkably bad one as we noticed." Cristina laid back on her back and also stared at the ceiling.

Anger.

We become angry with everyone around us, even if it´s not their fault.

We are blinded by the anger that gives us chills.

Everything that matters is to shout, and yell, and beat everything down

We want to let the others feel our pain.

"Derek please calm down! You´re scaring me!" Amelia begged her big brother sitting on the floor in the attending´s locker room and crying while he walked up and down the room anxiously.

"No. No! It is your fault Amelia! Your fault!" he yelled at her pointing with his finger on his sister, which made her cry even more.

"Derek...please..." she whimpered with tears running down her cheek uncontrolled.

"No. I will never forgive you for this. I don´t want to see you ever again. You´re dead for me." he replied angry and with tears of anger and bitterness in his eyes. He stamped towards the door while Amelia tried to get on her knees and hold him back but she was to weak to do so.

"Derek no! Derek you are my brother!" she yelled after him but he already shut the door close and left his hysterical sister sitting there on the ground.

48 hours earlier

Derek was just about to go upstairs when he heard a knock at the door.

"Hm? Did anyone forget something?" He asked himself loudly when he went towards the door. His eyes couldn´t believe what they saw when he recognized his sister Amelia in front of him, looking like a mess with mascara all over her face and red, wet eyes.

"Amy?" he asked confused.

"Derek. Something terrible happened." she sobbed before falling in his arms, crying out loud.

"Amy I...I don´t understand what..what happened?" he asked overwhelmed with his sister´s emotions. However, she couldn´t answer him when she hysterically sobbed and cried into his chest. Her screams were so loud that even Meredith heard them and went to the staircase to check if everything was okay.

"Amelia?" she asked confused and surprised about her being here. Amelia still didn´t answer, and just cried out loud.

"Derek is everything alright?" Meredith asked but he shrugged before he broke the hugged and pulled away so he could face her.

"Come here." he meant leading her to the couch. "Sit down and tell me exactly what happened." he meant and placed her and himself on the couch followed by Meredith who remained standing next to Amelia.

"It...It was an accident I didn´t mean to...We just wanted to come here because it´s Christmas...we wanted to spend the holidays here." Amelia sobbed breathing uncontrolled and irregularly.

"Who? Who wanted to come here?" Derek asked his hands on her shoulder and trying to get something out of her but she continued crying.

"I didn´t mean to drink it...I really didn´t. But it was Christmas party at the practice and I...I couldn´t resist. I thought...I thought one drink wouldn´t cause any troubles, but then I drank two and three...I know I shouldn´t have done it...I should have listened to mom." Amelia explained now slowly calming down.

"You drank alcohol?" Meredith asked shocked and Derek leaned back and pulled his hands away from his sister´s shoulders.

"Amy you are a drug addict. And you drank alcohol?" he asked not showing any sympathy. "What happened? Did you drive? Recklessly? Did you kill someone?"

"She meant she would drive, but I insisted. I should have listened but then there was a truck and I reacted to late. She was bleeding...heavily...she bled like..you know the saying like a stabbed pig...there was so much blood." Amelia started shaking while retelling the accident.

"Who? Who was bleeding?" Derek continued asking while Meredith felt awful about his behavior against his sister.

"Mom." Amelia pressed it out before starting crying again. Derek looked up from his sister to Meredith who held her hand in front of her mouth, shocked as well.

"Is she in the hospital?" Derek asked Amelia but she couldn´t answer because she cried so much. "Amelia!" he shouted, and even Meredith startled a bit when he shook her by her shoulders. Amelia nodded and Derek jumped off the couch and took his coat and keys.

"Meredith stay here, look after her and get her down from the alcohol." he ordered opening the door.

"Are you sure you can drive? You drank wine as well and you are not in the condition to drive." Meredith worried and went to him.

"No I´m not. That´s why I want you to stay here and not come with me. You also have your sister up there. It´s enough responsibility to have two drunk emotional wrecks here." Derek explained hurried.

"Okay, be safe." Meredith gave him a quick kiss before he left the house and drove to the hospital.

"The evening was nice." Henry meant when he stopped the car in front of Teddy´s apartment.

"It was yeah. I´m glad we decided to go there." she admitted packing her stuff together while Henry watched her nodding. He could no longer deny the feelings he had for his doctor.

"Teddy I need to tell-" he started to confess them when her phone rang.

"Uh, it´s Patrick. I´m gonna call him back later. Yeah?" she thought out loud and declined his call before looking Henry straight into his eyes.

"Um..who´s..who´s Patrick?" he wondered a bit confused.

"A guy I´ve been dating for a week, didn´t I tell you?" Teddy asked a bit shocked when Henry shook his head. "Oh my..sorry. Yeah he´s pretty okay. I kinda like him." she blushed thinking about it and Henry got anxious. "You wanted to tell me something?" she asked remembering what he said before the phone rang.

"Oh um..it´s nothing, it was just-" he started when Patrick called again.

"Oh um..you know what text me later, I think it´s urgent." she told him as she left the car. "Hello? Yeah sorry I was talking to a friend...Merry Christmas to you too." were the last words Henry heard before Teddy was out of sight.

"Your `friend´ wanted to tell you that he fell in love with you." he murmured quietly when he started the engine and drove away.

The hours went by and the sun rose up. Meredith was walking through the kitchen nervously while Jackson emptied his cup of coffee and got his jacket.

"I´m sure everything is fine. He just doesn´t call because he´s talking with her." he tried to comfort Meredith who was staring at the phone. She could barely sleep because she waited for a call from Derek.

"Yeah, I hope you´re right." she murmured not breaking the stare.

"Okay, I need to go now. If you want to I can check on them before-" Jackson offered when suddenly her phone rang and Meredith ran to it and picked up.

"Derek? Thank god...okay...okay that´s great. Yes...yes...no I don´t have a shift but I´ll come later for the ultra sound with Robbins...okay love you bye." she hung up and turned to Jackson. "She´s alright. Mrs. Shepherd is alright."

"See? Told ya." Jackson smiled and went to the door before he turned around again. "Um...can you tell Lexie that I´m sorry with...whatever I did wrong. I am just so confused with her lately it´s like her hormones are driving her wild."

"I will." Meredith assured and with a soft nod as thank-you Jackson left the house. Meredith washed her and Jackson´s cup before making some new coffee for Lexie, who she was sure would have a hangover, and Amelia who needed it for sure. Meredith could hear her future sister-in-law walking around the house the whole night. Eventually Amelia fell asleep on the couch but it took her very long.

"Was that Derek? Is my mother alright?" Amelia asked quietly when she suddenly appeared behind Meredith and startled her.

"Yeah. For now she´s stable. But she has a lot of damages and is under supervision." Meredith explained what Derek told her.

"Is she awake?" Amelia asked and Meredith looked at her a bit sorrowful and scared. "Meredith! Is my mother awake? Can she speak? Does she even react?"

"No...no she´s not awake. She was put into an artificial coma." Meredith admitted looking down at her hands.

Izzie was making waffles for breakfast in the kitchen of the small trailer, while Denny was sleeping peacefully in his bed and Alex was outside in the woods. The door to the trailer opened and Izzie heard steps and then a sigh as the person sat down.

"I made waffles for us today. I know how much you love waffles." she meant smiling looking at the waffle iron and not turning around.

"I prefer pancakes." the male voice admitted and Izzie froze startled when she noticed it was not Alex. But still, she recognized the voice.

"Denny." the woman turned around hoping she was wrong. "What are you doing here?" she wanted to know when she saw him sitting by the table looking the same as he did when she found out she was sick.

"I´m here for-" he wanted to say but Izzie showed him with her hand to stop.

"No. Don´t dare to say it." she threatened him underneath her breath. "I know it. You´re here for me." her eyes welled up because of the anger that was running through her veins. "But why are you here now. I was healed. The doctors told me I wouldn´t have any tumors in my body left and that the cancer was almost gone." Izzie´s voice got louder and harsher. However, Denny just looked at her with his eyes full of sorrow and pity.

"No. Don´t look at me that way! I´m healthy. I´m cured! I´m not sick, not again." Izzie yelled and Denny stood up and came closer, but Izzie stepped back.

"No. Don´t touch me! You are gone. You´re dead. I laid in your arms I know you´re dead. You left me! And you only came back to tell me I had an deadly illness. I don´t need your excuses or pity. I need to be free of you." Izzie yelled louder and started crying when suddenly her son also cried because he woke up from her talking. "Go away Denny! Let me be happy! Leave me alone!"

"Izzie!" Alex suddenly opened the door and she couldn´t see the hallucination anymore. "What happened why are you crying? And why´s Denny crying?" he worried and went to his son to take him in his arms.

"Nothing. I...I just burned my hand on the waffle iron." she meant wiping away her tears. "My scream woke him up I guess." she lied and quickly turned around and closed her eyes sighing. Alex wasn´t sure if he should believe her but cradled his child in his arms until he finally stopped crying.

A knock at the door woke Cristina up. With rolling eyes she stood up and put sweatpants on before leaving her bed.

"Whoever it is, you better have wine or breakfast with you, because if not you woke me senselessly." she told the person on the other side of the door walking towards the door. She opened it and her mouth dropped when she recognized Owen in front of her.

"I have bagels and coffee. I forgot the wine, sorry." he smiled and Cristina screamed happily when she threw herself onto him and kissed him passionately.

"Slowly or you spill the coffee." he chuckled when she left his lips and kissed his cheek before hugging him.

"What...what are you doing here?" she wanted to know when they entered the apartment.

"Well, they sent me home for Christmas and I asked to continue my duty from here." he explained.

"So you´re back? And you´ll stay?" Cristina asked excited and Owen nodded.

"Yes I´m back and I´ll stay." he said and she hugged him again screaming happily.

"Derek. Good morning." Teddy greeted her colleague when she entered the room of his mother. "Where you here the whole night?" she asked worried about him when she noticed his red tired eyes watching his mother every second.

"I didn´t dare to sleep." he meant and leaned back a bit in the chair still holding her hand.

"You can go sleep now. She´s stable and under my supervision. I´ll page you as soon as I notice any irregularities." Teddy assured but he shook his head.

"No I rather stay-" he wanted to answer but Mark cut him off.

"Derek?! What...what happened?!" Mark asked anxiously when he recognized Mrs. Shepherd in the bed.

"Mark...you shouldn´t be here right now." Derek didn´t want to stress his friend out, knowing how much his mother meant to him.

"Mark everything´s fine. She´s stable for now." Teddy held him back, when Meredith appeared behind them with Amelia and Lexie by her side.

"I should go." Lexie whispered when she noticed Mark´s eyes on her and left the doctors.

"Mark come with me. I´ll explain everything to you." Meredith offered and he looked back at Derek, who nodded.

"Okay." Mark stepped back and wanted to go with Meredith while Amelia came closer to her mother.

"No. I don´t want her inside here." Derek got angry again and startled his sister a bit.

"Derek. She´s your sister." Meredith tried to change his mind but he shook his head and repeated that he wouldn´t want to see her and Amelia´s eyes welled up.

"I know you don´t want to see me but this is my mother too. So I stay." she sat down on the other side of the bed and hold her mother´s hand, while Meredith and mark went somewhere else to talk.

"With whom are you today?" April asked Jackson when they stood by their lockers and looked at their phone.

"It says Shepherd but I´m sure this must be a mistake. You?" he meant scrolling down his mails.

"Robbins. Why is it a mistake? What is with Shepherd?" April wanted to know as she put her phone into the pocket of her coat and hung the stethoscope around her neck.

"His mother is here. Car accident." he told her doing the same she did.

"Oh no...that´s terrible." April sighed and they left the room. "Have you talked to Lexie? After last night, I mean?" she asked walking down the hallway with her best friend at her side.

"No. No, she slept in another room. She was...really drunk." he admitted and looked at his shoes embarrassed.

"Oh I´m sure it´s just a temporary something. She will be way better next week. You´ll see you two will have a long relationship." April tried to comfort him when Teddy came to them and stopped their conversation.

"Jackson on whose service are you today?" she asked and Jackson told her that it was Derek. "Good, you´re with me. Owen came back from Iraq and Cristina took the day off. I need you with Mrs. Shepherd today." Teddy meant rushed and showed him to come quickly and he ran with her after April nodded.

"Are you sure you have an appointment today? I couldn´t remember one." Alex asked Izzie when they stood outside the hospital.

"I am." Izzie lied. She knew her next appointment wasn´t within the next two weeks but she needed to check if there were any new tumors.

"Okay then I´ll bring you there." Alex meant walking towards the main entrance but Izzie remained standing.

"No..I mean yes but...you should start working again. Or you will lose your job. And I´m sure Robbins will need you today." Izzie tried to get rid of him.

"Um...are you sure?" he asked curious and Izzie nodded quickly.

"Yes. Oh and could you please take Denny and take care of him or bring him to the day care? I don´t want him to disturb the other cancer patients." Izzie asked and held the babysafe towards her fiancé.

"Yeah sure." he replied suspicious when he took his son.

"Thank you." Izzie gave him a quick kiss before she disappeared in the hospital.

"Why does mommy act so strange huh? " Alex asked the infant with a baby voice and made him chuckle a bit. "Okay then, daddy´ll bring you to the day care and then he will find some people to cut open..." he continued but looked around after that sentence. "You better won´t remember what I just said." he scoffed and went inside with the baby.

Teddy and Jackson went into Derek´s mother´s room and saw him and Amelia still sitting by her sides.

"Doctor Shepherd, doctor Shepherd." she greeted them and they looked up at her. "Doctor Avery and I are gonna operate your mother in 30 minutes. As the scans had shown she has a massive trauma in her chest both lungs and heart. She´s bleeding slightly into her chest but without opening her we can´t find out from where. We think it´s from her aorta but still we would need to open her to fix it. I ask you to leave the room now so we can prepare her for the surgery."

"Yeah, of course." Derek meant and Amelia nodded when they stood up and left the room.

"Derek I-" Amelia wanted to talk to her brother, to have his comfort and to just have him by her side during this time. However, Derek was furious and didn´t want to see his sister any longer than required. So he just went away not listening to her and left her standing in the hallway all by herself.

"Why didn´t you tell them, that the chance that she survives this are very low? They earn the right to know it." Jackson was almost angry about Teddy hiding this fact, when he whispered it to her while they were scrubbing in.

"At some point in your career you learn when it´s appropriate to tell the whole truth. These two were done, they need rest. Giving them bad news before a major surgery won´t give them any, right?" Teddy replied drying her hands.

"Unrealistic hopes neither." Jackson murmured.

"What was that?" Teddy asked harshly.

"Nothing." he quickly changed his mind a bit afraid of consequences.

"If you have a problem with how I work you can leave this o.r. right now." Teddy explained bossy and Jackson swallowed down his pride.

"I don´t have a problem with your work, doctor Altman." he assured her quietly.

"Good. Because I wanted you to make the patch." she said walking into the operating room and getting dressed up by a nurse followed by Jackson who made big eyes.

"Really?" he asked excited.

"I believe you´re as competent as Cristina, aren´t you?" she smiled at him with a wink.

Meredith wanted to take the elevator to get to the cafeteria but the doors slowly closed.

"Hold it!" she screamed as she ran towards it but nobody heard her and the elevator drove away. "Thank you." she rolled her eyes as she went to the staircase and started walking down the stairs.

"Today´s such a bad day." she thought out loud. "Derek´s mother is in a coma, Lexie is an emotional wreck, Derek won´t let Amelia to her mother and Cristina´s not here- ahh!" Meredith shouted when she slipped and fell down on her side.

"Ouch..." she slowly tried to stand up but her ankle hurt. "I need to get help." she searched for her phone. But when she finally found it and took it out of her pocket it slipped out of her hands and fell down the whole four floors and broke into a dozen of pieces.

"Damn it." Meredith cursed. "Thank you universe! Can it get even worse?...Help! Help!" she shouted but apparently nobody could hear her. "Help me please! Anybody?"

one or two hours later Alex went upstairs reading a medical journal while eating an apple when he kicked a piece of Meredith´s phone and looked down on it. He picked up the red phone case which he knew was Meredith´s.

"Hello?" Meredith´s voice started calling for help again when she heard the door close behind Alex. "Is there someone? I need help!" Alex let everything fall and ran upstairs pumped with shock and adrenaline.

"Meredith?!" he coughed when he reached her laying in the same position but crying. "Mer, is everything alright?"

"No, I slipped and twisted my ankle. I can´t stand up on my own." she explained and reached out her hand so Alex could help her. But all he did was standing still and staring at her. "Alex!" she screamed at him but he remained in that position.

"Mer, you´re bleeding." he meant and pointed on her pants.

"I know." her eyes welled up again. "So could you please help me up and bring me to Robbins?"

"Why are you bleeding?" Alex wanted to know coming closer worried.

"I´m pregnant. Was."

"Okay, Miss Grey I will now- Meredith!" April came into the room reading a chart but recognizing her friend when she looked up. "What are you doing here?"

"Could you please just do the ultra sound?" Meredith asked with a shaky voice and holding Alex´ hand.

"Um...okay...do you think you´re pregnant?" April asked happily and with her high pitched voice but Alex shook his head to show her to stop.

"Just do the ultra sound and tell me if there´s still a baby!" Meredith cried and tightened her grip around Alex´ hand. April started searching but raised her eyebrows and made a strange face after a few moments before paging Arizona.

"What is it? April tell me!" Meredith ordered but April wanted to wait for Robbins.

"I..I really think we should wait for doctor Robbins." she stuttered confused.

"Come on April. Say it." Alex forced the overwhelmed woman to talk.

"I..I...Meredith I..I´m so sorry." she began stuttering but shut her mouth when Meredith´s eyes welled up even more and her lips began shaking.

"Did I lose the baby?" Meredith asked after she inhaled deeply to calm down a bit.

"Oh my god Meredith.." Alex whispered shocked and put his other hand around hers.

"No..not exactly...you´re bleeding because...because you got your menstruation...you never were pregnant." April tried to make her clear but still stuttered anxiously.

"But...but I made a test.." Meredith leaned back into the patient´s bed and held her abdomen.

"Maybe because of the hormones you took for getting pregnant the test was wrong.." April thought out loud.

"April are you serious?" Alex asked with an angry undertone. He really felt bad for his friend. Though he had a fiancé and a child, it felt like he was now responsible for Meredith.

"So, Meredith, Derek..oh...Alex. I´m sorry for being late...April paged me to tell-...What´s wrong?" Arizona entered the room and was kind of confused bout the mood in it.

"April already told us." Alex meant still holding Meredith´s hand while she looked at her´s on her belly.

"But...April I told you to wait for me." Arizona turned to her resident a bit mad that she didn´t wait for her attending.

"I´m sorry I-" the resident wanted to excuse herself when Meredith cut her off.

"We forced her to say it...it´s not her fault...So what are the plans for now?" she wanted to know in a monotone, huskily tone.

"First of all I´m so sorry for you...I think you should talk to your o.b. but in my opinion you should stop taking the hormones so your body can revitalize from it." Arizona advised her and Meredith nodded.

"May I go?" April asked shyly and Arizona nodded.

"I think we both should go now. I´m deeply sorry for this." the doctor meant before the two of them left the room.

"Thank you." Alex said to them before they were outside and closed the door. "Should I drive you home?"

"No thanks. You´ve done enough. I´ll wait for Derek." Meredith meant still looking at her hands and her voice sounding the same.

"Avery be careful. This is very risky." Teddy watched him and gave him advice.

"I´ll try if you wouldn´t stress me out like that." he replied harshly and Teddy backed off. "I´m placing the patch on the leak and...here it is...the bleeding stopped."

"Great, Avery. You have the hands of your grandfather." Teddy mentioned admiring the calm fingers of the second year resident.

"Thank you. Though I don´t like to be compared to- oh no!" he suddenly stopped mid-sentence and gasped. "The leak it got wider." he stared into the open chest frozen by the anxiousness.

"What are you doing now?" Teddy asked as teaching method. Cristina always got better with these.

"I...I...um...I need gazes and..suction!" he remembered and Teddy nodded smiling under her surgical mask. "The bleeding won´t stop." he explained stressed when suddenly the blood pressure sank.

"Avery you need to do something." Teddy also got scared now watching the monitor.

"I know!" he almost yelled at her. "More suction, I can´t see anything."

"Cardiac arrest!" the o.r. nurse said as soon as the monitor showed a flat line and a high , continuous noise.

"Avery!" Teddy urged him but he repeated that he knows what to do. "Charge the paddles." she whispered to the o.r. nurse who did as commanded.

"Avery we need to reanimate her." Teddy wanted to put some surgical towels into the chest but Jackson stopped her. "Doctor Avery leave the table! Now!" she ordered with a harsh tone. After exhaling deeply he did as commanded and Teddy started the reanimation and took the paddles.

"Charge to 20!" she order placing them on the heart. "Clear!"

Teddy and Jackson left the o.r. and went to the attending´s locker room where, so they´ve been told, Derek and Amelia were waiting. As soon as they entered the room the siblings stood up from the couch and the chair they were sitting on and came closer.

"Your mother´s damage was bigger than we thought. Doctor Avery tried to close the leak with a patch but it wouldn´t hold and the leak got bigger. We did everything we could possibly do, but unfortunately your mother didn´t make it. She was dead before we could reanimate her." Teddy retold them what happened while Jackson looked down on his hands feeling guilty and ashamed.

"You killed our mother?" Amelia asked slowly understanding and looked towards Jackson.

"It was not his fault. There was no way your mother would have possibly survived that." Teddy defended the resident who thought didn´t deserve that defense. Amelia now realized what that meant and started breathing irregularly stepping back until she hit the wall and slipped onto the floor.

"Thank you. Doctor Altman, doctor Avery." Derek tried to control his feelings but couldn´t deny that he had tears in his eyes. Teddy nodded and left them together with Jackson who had to cry too. Derek stroke through his hair with his hands and pressed his lips together. He was more angry than sad. Angry with Amelia and with himself. And he got even angrier when he heard the loud cries of his sister.

"It is all your fault!" he yelled at her and made her look up rather startled.

"What?" she asked confused and sobbing.

"It is your fault! She´s dead because of you! You did that!" Derek started walking up and down.

"Derek please calm down! You´re scaring me!" Amelia begged her big brother.

"No. No! It is your fault Amelia! Your fault!" he yelled at her pointing with his finger on his sister, which made her cry even more.

"Should I give you a drive home now?" Alex asked Meredith who was sitting on a bench by the entrance.

"No. I´m still waiting for Derek." Meredith stared into empty space, her eyes glassy and her cheeks matte of the dried tears.

"Haven´t you heard?" Alex asked an Meredith looked up. She´s been sitting here the whole day and kept herself out of anything going on in the hospital.

"His mother died 4 hours ago. He wants to stay here and do the paper work and calls." Alex explained and Meredith closed her eyes sighing.

"Okay. Drive me home." she meant huskily and Alex helped her up and guided her to his car.

"What´s with Izzie?" Meredith asked.

"The educators in the day care meant she left the hospital with Denny with a cab. I´m sure she´s home." Alex remembered his fiancé´s whereabouts.

Minutes that felt like an eternity later, Meredith and Alex arrived at her house and she opened her seat belt.

"You want me to stay?" Alex asked remaining sitting when his friend shook her head.

"No. Go to your family. " Meredith pressed out of her lips and went inside calling Cristina immediately.

"No don´t answer." Owen meant when Cristina broke the kiss when her phone rang.

"But if it´s a multi trauma or something spectacular?" she grinned and he kissed her again before stopping and looking her deeply in the eyes.

"Then there will be patients left for your shift tomorrow." he smiled and so did she. They spent the whole day in bed, kissing passionately, having sex and celebrating his return. However, when her phone rang again she looked at it and saw Meredith´s name on the display.

"It´s Mer." she looked up and met Owen´s eyes.

"It´s okay go. In fact I am a bit tired after today." he comforted her to support her friend. Cristina gave him a quick kiss and put on a sweatshirt and a jeans before driving to Meredith.

"Izzie?" Alex opened the door to the trailer confused that there was no light on and the Christmas decoration that was still hanging wasn´t blinking. "Are you asleep?" he went to the little alcove where the bed stood. But when he noticed it was empty he turned on the lights and saw that not only her stuff but also Denny´s bed and his clothes and so on were gone. Looking around he noticed a letter on the bed. Feeling sick to his stomach he opened it and started reading.

Dear Alex, I know this is the wrong way to do it. I know that I am a terrible person. But I just want to protect you from feeling more grief and hurt. Please understand, I had to go. I will continue my treatments somewhere else. I´m sorry Alex. Love, Izzie. While reading it he sat down on the bed and rubbed his forehead.

"Love, Izzie." he read loud before putting the letter down and letting his eyes wander around. "She´s gone."

Bargain.

We beg and plead to god and doctors and everyone else,

that it´s just a bad dream. A nightmare.

We would give up everything in exchange for one more day,

one more minute, just a single second more.

Lexie was walking by the resident´s locker room when she heard cries coming out of it. She slowly opened the door and faced her boyfriend hitting with his palm against his locker, talking to himself.

"Jackson? Are you okay?" she asked comforting and came closer a bit.

"Lexie!" he gasped when he noticed her and came to her hugging her heavily.

"It´s okay...what happened?" she meant during the hug and him crying into her shoulder.

"Mrs. Shepherd...I killed her. I made a mistake. She´s dead." he admitted and Lexie´s eyes widened still in the hug.

"Oh my god." she whispered shocked thinking about how Derek and Amelia were feeling. "It´s okay. We all lose patients. It was not your fault. I´m Teddy couldn´t have saved her either."

"I feel so guilty." Jackson eventually broke the hug and sat down on the bench.

"You don´t have to. That could have happened to anybody." Lexie sat down next to him and placed her hand on his shoulder trying to spend some comfort.

"Shepherd will hate me. I killed his mother." Jackson sobbed and Lexie sighed. Suddenly she remembered what Mark told her once and how he reacted the previous morning when he saw her. Derek´s mother was like a mother to him too. He spent most of his childhood at their house. As much as she wanted to stay with her boyfriend and spend time with him she was more worried about Mark. Lexie knew she shouldn´t search for her ex but something told her she had to.

"I...Jackson I need to go now..I..I have a patient. You´re okay?" she lied and left him there all alone after he nodded. She asked every nurse she saw if they saw Mark but none of them had an answer.

Depression.

When the anger becomes too hard and the bargaining is senseless,

we fall into depression and despair.

We wish we could have been the one that was hurt.

We don´t want to continue our lives without them.

Until we eventually come to...

Lexie was still wandering through the hospital to find her ex boyfriend when she stopped by the door to the staircase and saw him sitting on the stairs crying into his hands.

"Mark.." she meant when she opened the door and he looked up with red and wet eyes, before quickly looking down at his hands again. "I searched through the whole hospital for you."

"Lexie...you don´t have to do this. I know you hate me." he sobbed and Lexie shook her head coming closer.

"I don´hate you." she assured him as she sat down next to him and took his hands.

"She was like my own mother. She was there for me...gave me food and a bed when I needed it." he explained with a huge lump in his throat.

"I know...come here." Lexie pulled his head on her lap so she could stroke his hair.

"What are you doing?" Mark asked unsure about her actions but still enjoying her company.

"I´m stroking your hair because,..because that´s what I´d like to have done for me when I´m hurt." she explained and smiled when Mark closed his eyes and exhaled relaxed. After a short break his eyes welled up again and he continued to retell his childhood.

"When my parents where out again I switched on every light and TV in our house, so I wouldn´t feel alone...she changed it...Mrs. Shepherd made me feel loved and like I´m not alone.." he meant with a shaky voice and Lexie sighed sorrowful.

"Mark...I´m so so sorry.." she really desperately wanted to give him a good hug or kiss but she couldn´t. Her feelings for Jackson and for Mark were out of control.

"Where´s Jackson? Why aren´t you with him?" Mark wanted to know after a moment of silence.

"You are more important right now...you lost your mother figure.." Lexie answered him feeling a bit bad that she wasn´t with him.

"He lost a patient.." Mark replied but had to smirk a bit at her answer.

"We do every day." she tried to not only make him but herself feel better with these excuses. They again didn´t speak for a moment when a chuckle from Mark´s side interrupted it.

"What is so funny." Lexie asked curious and Mark sighed smiling again.

"I just thought about that one day in my past...I put Derek´s frog into the microwave, and she caught me." he explained and Lexie´s eyes widened.

"Mark! You tried to kill his frog?" she asked shocked but smiling.

"I never pressed start." he defended himself and sat up to look into her eyes.

"You´re a monster." Lexie whispered sarcastically and Mark scoffed.

"I was young and dumb." he meant intensifying their gaze.

"You are dumb now too." she meant breaking the gaze before she would do something she would regret. Mark nodded knowing what she felt and for another moment you could only hear their breath.

"I still love you Lex. I tried not to be but I am." Mark again, was the first on to talk and Lexie looked up and straight into his eyes.

"Mark I..Jackson he...I have a boyfriend." she stuttered feeling again uncomfortable with the situation.

"I know...I´m saying you could have a husband." he replied seriously and Lexie sighed tilting her head to the side looking hurt and full of sorrow and confusion. "I´m sorry..I..maybe I´m just too emotional to think clear right now..I..I should go.." he stood up and pulled away his hand which Lexie still had in her´s without noticing.

"Mark.." she tried to stop him quietly but he didn´t react and left the staircase.

….Acceptance.

We can finally let go, be free, and don´t let the grief define us.

We know we have done everything and couldn´t do more.

We finally left the chapter behind us but...

"Yes but...I don´t...I just don´t know why and how...why me and how did I deserve this?" she sobbed still staring at the ceiling. "What kind of humor does the universe have?"

"A remarkably bad one as we noticed." Cristina laid back on her back and also stared at the ceiling. They stared there for an eternity when a knock at the door tore them out of their thoughts.

"Alex?" Meredith asked confused when he suddenly stood in her room. "What are you doing here?" she wondered noticing his glassy eyes.

"The key´s still under the door mat." Alex meant looking down at the floor.

"Yeah but why are you here?" Meredith sat up curious about his visit.

"Izzie she...she left me..." he stuttered crossing his arms over his chest and Cristina´s mouth dropped. "She...she left a note and took everything with her. She took Denny." Meredith and Cristina stared at the man who was shivering of anger and pain. Instinctively the women made space for him in bed and Alex laid down next to them.

"And what are we doing now?" he asked sobbing when they continued staring at the ceiling.

"Staring at the ceiling. What else?" Meredith replied taking his hand to give him the comfort he needed.

….how do we open the next?