hey guys!

I am so so sorry for not updating for so long. I just really have a lot to do with school and stuff. I just hope I will find more inspiration after what happens at the end of this chapter. More about the contest will come in the next one.

i hope you enjoy the chapter though its´not so good as I wanted it to be.

love ya´ll

Guts over fear

Fear.

Fear of the unknown.

Fear of what happens when you lose control.

The fear of the future.

Another flood of quitting ran through the hospital. Nobody was save since even some of the best doctors were cut because of budget cutbacks. The whole week every doctor was shivering when they were called to the chiefs office, though he may just needed information about patients or how the unit was going. The only one sure to be safe was Meredith. She knew she was like a daughter to doctor Webber and after destroying her childhood by separating her parents he owned her. But still she startled a bit when she got a page to his office.
"You paged me doctor Webber?" She asked knocking at the opened door to Richards office.
"Yes please sit down." The gray man pointed on the chair in front of him and sat down on the opposite one behind his desk.
"Is it about the quitting flood?" She asked to reassure that she's not here to be canceled.
"No. No it's about your fiancé. Derek." Webber explained what he wanted to talk about and Meredith sighed a bit relieved. "Is he still at home?" He wanted to know and Meredith nodded Remembering how he looked this morning. Unshaved, tired eyes and sitting on the couch for the last seven days like a pitiful piece of shit.
"When will he come back?" The chief continued asking and Meredith shrugged really not sure what Derek has planed.
"He just lost his mother. In the hospital he's working. I am not sure if he will come back any time soon." She meant trying to defend his actions though she wasn't happy about them either.
"I know he's mourning but we need our best neuro surgeon back. He left back a lot of hopeless cases doctor Nelson won't dare to operate." Webber tried to make his favorite resident understand.
"I'll talk to him. I'll make sure he will come back as soon as possible." Meredith assured him before standing up after a nod from the chief and leaving his office to continue her work.

All we want to be is safe.

We don´t want to risk anything without knowing where it will lead.

We are afraid it´ll turn out bad and that we can´t undo it.

"Good morning!" Jackson, who sat by the kitchen table greeted Lexie who rushed down the stairs and put on her jacket. "You want some coffee?" he asked pointing on the second cup standing next to him.

"That´s so nice but I can´t I´m already too late." she answered in a rush, somehow putting on her shoes. Lexie walked over to Jackson to give him a goodbye kiss which he replied happily and then left the house. Sighing, Jackson stood up and put the cups into the sink when suddenly Derek appeared in the kitchen, his hair messier than ever and his face in a grumpy frown.

"Good morning." the resident meant with a smile but all he got back was a deep grumbling. Raising his eyebrows, Jackson watched Derek taking a box of lucky charms and sitting on the couch in front of the TV.

"Shall I drive you to the hospital?" Jackson tried again to make the attending talk, but Derek ignored him completely.

"Is Meredith here?" Alex, who obviously had a key because he opened the front door and stepped into the house, asked also in a rush.

"No she´s already at work." Jackson was a bit confused by all people being stressed. Meredith also seemed kind of stressed out.

"Then why aren´t you?" Alex wondered causing even more confusion on Jackson´s side.

"Why? My shift starts in 3 hours or so." he replied but Alex´ face didn´t change.

"Dude, haven´t you heard?" Alex asked shocked and Jackson just furrowed his eyebrows. "The chief is firing people again. Everybody needs to show themselves from their best sides. AND there´s a contest the attending do. And if you´re lucky they´ll choose you as their helping hand. Now come!" Alex explained hurried and as soon as Jackson registered what that meant he took his jacket and ran to Alex´ car.

We play it safe.

But sometimes we have to risk something.

We need to take a step further than we want, if we want to achieve something.

We need to overcome the fear that holds us back.

The interns and residents were gathering the lobby to find out if they had been chosen by an attending to take part in the contest.

"I am as good as saved for Teddy. Did you hear something from McDreamy?" Cristina whispered to Meredith while some not interesting doctors announced their picks.

"McDreamy is being McDreary. He doesn´t talk, he doesn´t shower. All he does is sitting on the couch or in bed drinking beer and eating cereals." Meredith explained to her best friend with a disgusted face.

"Uh gross. Well, my doctor G.I. Joe is even more charming than before he left." Cristina smirked looking to Owen who stood by the other doctors and also stared back at her. "And lustier I think." Meredith noticed Cristina getting hungry for Owen´s attention and furrowed her eyebrows not less disgusted than before.

"Uh..gross." she replied when she turned her head and saw Alex and Jackson walking past their colleagues to join them.

"Where have you been?" she wondered whispering harshly.

"Mister blue-eyes was late." Alex pointed on Jackson who put the stethoscope around his neck.

"Hey I didn´t know about all this." Jackson defended himself and suddenly April appeared next to them looking rather shocked.

"How could you not know about this. I´ve been excited for this since we came here." she explained smiling widely, hoping that somebody says her name. "Hey Meredith. How´s Derek? Still moody?" she asked and Meredith nodded watching her sister also joining the group, greeting them with a smile.

"Does anyone know how doctor Sloan is? Lexie?" April leaned forward to catch a look at Lexie who clearly didn´t expect the question.

"He´s good. Better than Derek at least." Lexie answered looking to her and feeling Jackson´s gaze on her. "Well, who knows. At least he competes." she blushed feeling sweaty and hungry. "It´s hot in here isn´t it?" she waved some cold air to her face with her hand, looking around as if the sun was directly above her.

"I think it´s pretty normal." Meredith replied raising her eyebrows wondering. But Lexie continued cooling down looking around when she saw Alex eating a peanutbutter-cup.

"Oh my god you have something to eat? Give me one!" Lexie ordered begging to everybody´s surprise.

"No their my breakfast." Alex didn´t want to share his chocolate with anybody but Lexie walked over to him and tore his lab coat to reach one. "No! Lexie!" he tried to defend his chocolate and their little fight pulled some attention to them.

"Is everything okay over there?" Webber stepped a few stairs higher to make eye contact while Cristina and Meredith hid their faces embarrassed.

"Yep everything´s fine." Lexie replied when she got a peanutbutter-cup and went back to the spot she was before and the doctor´s continued picking out residents.

"Lexie, are you okay?" Meredith wondered about her kid sisters behavior.

"I´m fine." she answered, her mouth full with chocolate.

The residents and interns that were chosen followed their attending surgeon to the specific unit, waiting for an order. Of course they picked their favorites so Alex was with Arizona, Teddy with Cristina, surprisingly April with Owen, Meredith with Bailey and Jackson, who wasn´t happy about that at all, was picked by Mark. Lexie remained without an attending, which she was thankful for because she wanted to concentrate on learning for the test the interns have at the end of the year to start residency, and also she was feeling unwell the past few weeks.

"Alex, I´m so glad you are ready to save little humans lives. Since I am becoming a mother on my own I now know how valuable a little one´s life is and I am happy to have you in my team. By the way how´s your son? Is he getting stronger?" Arizona greeted Alex properly when they arrived the the pediatric unit. Alex swallowed down the lump in his throat as she mentioned Denny.

"He´s good. Yeah." he responded quickly and Arizona for his luck didn´t want to know more. "So what are we working on?"

"You know that the death rate for women in labor in Europe is way smaller than here in the U.S.? The reason is preeclampsia and I want to find out why American women are way more affected than women in any other country. So are you in?" the attending smiled at him with her typical bright smile. "Alex? Have you listened to what I said?"

"Uhh...I´m sorry yeah I´m in. I...would you excuse me for a minute?" he asked for her permission to go eager to make a phone call.

"Are you okay?" the blond woman lost her sunshine-smile and looked at him with worried eyes.

"Yes, yes. I am...I am fine I just...really need to call someone." he tried to avoid a conversation about his feelings and after a quick, unsure nod from Arizona´s side he left to find a quiet place.

Lexie quickly hid in the supply room fishing a chocolate bar out of her pocket.
"I'm so stressed out right now." She thought out loud. "Where are these stupid things?" She searched through the shelves looking for some supplies, as she noticed the box she needed on the other side. Focusing on what she needed she walked towards it not noticing that Alex opened the door and hid behind a shelve also not seeing his colleague. But as soon as he started swearing and typing something on his phone Lexie remained silent and standing to listen to what he was saying.
"Damn it Iz. Pick up...hey it's Alex again. Can you please call me back? I'm worried I don't know what I have done that you ran away. Please Iz, I love you. Come back to me." He meant his voice getting shakier as his eyes welled up. After he hang up and put the phone back into his pocket Lexie watched him shielding his face with his hands and crying into them as he slipped down the wall and sat down on the floor. She wasn't sure what to do. Of course she wanted to comfort him but on the other hand she didn't want him to think that she was listening to the call on purpose.
"Are you okay?" Lexie finally gathered her words and showed up in front of him.
"What..? Were you here the whole time? Where you listening to what I said?" Alex asked confused and mad as he faced the intern with his red swollen eyes.
"I didn't mean to. I was searching for something and then...I'm sorry I didn't know about Izzie." Lexie put her hand on his knee as she knelt down in front of him.
"I don't want to talk about it." He put his head on one hand as a support when he noticed a pregnancy test in Lexie's other hand.
"I see you found what you needed. Does Jackson know?" He looked up to her again and after a short moment of confusion Lexie hid the small package in her palm.
"I'm not gonna tell if you're not gonna do." She offered holding her hand towards him for a handshake.
"Deal." Alex replied shaking her hand and watching her putting the test into her lab coat pocket and leaving the room.

"Cristina, I have a perfect idea for the contest but you need to do some research." Teddy walked down the hallway rather quickly followed by Cristina who was eager to know what her plans were.

"Anything you want." she replied not hesitating but willing.

"Please read all articles about the hypoplastic left heart syndrome, neonatal surgery, heart transplantation on infants, and if you can find anything about a transplantation on a fetus in the mother´s uterus, without giving birth to him, that would be great." Teddy ordered while Cristina noted everything on a post it.

"Wait...what are you going to do?" she asked confused rereading what she wrote down.

"Change the world." Teddy looked at her smiling proudly as she entered the cardio-thoracic unit.

"Hey..." Meredith was on her phone talking to Derek who was still in the same position as when Jackson left the house."I wanted to ask if you want to compete at this contest. All doctors do." she bit on her lip nervously as she awaited any sign of him showing interests in going back to work again. "See, I am with Bailey and we are doing some pretty cool stuff. You can also try something new. You could sign in with your Alzheimer´s study." she sighed when a long sigh was to hear on the other end. "Derek I know you´re mourning. But you know that the hospital is quitting people again. And I don´t want you to lose your job." she explained thoughtful.

"Would you still love me if I wasn´t a surgeon?" Derek asked the love of his life and after a moment of hesitation, Meredith knew the answer.

"No. Because I couldn´t love a man, that doesn´t love himself enough to embrace himself as what he is. A damn perfect neuro god." she replied with a hint of a smile on her face as she heard a sigh that was more delightful and happier than before. "I love you Derek, but I gotta go. I´ll see you tonight." she hung up after him saying back that he loves her and ran to the general unit to find out what Bailey had in store for the contest.

"Doctor Avery. Nice to finally be working with you." Mark greeted Jackson who wasn´t that happy about his attending. "You know, I knew you would be the perfect choice for the plastic posse since I´ve seen you the first time. Those eyes can´t be in another unit." Mark tried to win him over, but Jackson of course didn´t want to spend so much time with the ex of his girlfriend for who she was still having feelings.

"Actually I wanted to tell you that I don´t want to take-" the resident wanted to tell the attending that he didn´t want to compete, but Mark cut him off.

"Come here...follow me...I´ll show you what I´m working on." he guided him to a quiet lab room where some microscopes and stuff were standing. Mark took a small petri dish and showed Jackson.

"What´s this?" he asked still not impressed by all the plastic surgery stuff.

"That, doctor Avery, is spray on skin." Mark pointed on it smirking proudly.

"Skin? To spray on?" Jackson asked unable to believe and Mark nodded smiling like a little child that just got a cookie. "That...that is incredible...it could change everything in the reconstructive medicine." Jackson was really excited now and looked closer at the example.

"I know." Mark acted all cool but he wasn´t less excited than the resident. "Still want to leave the plastic posse?" he smirked when Jackson looked up his blue eyes shining, seeing all the opportunities.

"Are you kidding? This is amazing!" he reassured Mark who raised his hand for a high five.

"Then we are partners now. High five!" he ordered and Jackson gave him a fist bump on his flat hand. "Well, that´s something we still have to work on but great."

"Doctor Hunt, I did all the research you´ve asked for but...I still don´t know what we´re working on." April meant when she put a handful of books on the counter of the e.r. where Owen was sitting and checking something on the computer.

"Be patient doctor Kepner. Be patient. Can you be patient?" he asked and looking up at her at the last phrase.

"Uhm...well, you know when I was a little child and wanted to go for a walk with my favorite pig Ms. Piggie my father said I would have to wait until it stopped raining. And I was patient until the sun came out and I could go for a walk." April remembered with Owen´s confused and not interested gaze on her.

"What a lovely story. Do you know if Cristina´s in the library?" Owen asked letting April feel a bit stupid.

"Uhm, yes I saw her there why?" April replied stuttering and watched Owen standing up and walking around the counter towards the exit.

"Because I am inpatient." he explained smirking though April didn´t understand what he meant but he was sure Cristina did.

Callie and Arizona were sitting in the exam room of their ob excited to see the next ultra sound of the baby. Callie already started showing a showing a bit. And was more than just happy to share this experience with her girlfriend.
"Doctor Torres, Doctor Sl- oh doctor Robbins. What a surprise. Last time there was a man." The ob entered the room greeting them rather surprised by Arizona's appearance.
"Hey sorry I'm late." Mark quickly sneaked into the room confusing the doctor even more as he came to a stop at the other side of Callie. The trio was smiling at her as Callie pointed on each of her supporters eye-rolling.
"Lesbian girlfriend. Baby daddy." She explained followed by a quick unsure nod from her doctor before starting the examination.
"I assume everyone wants a picture right?" She asked printing out the ultra sound looking at all three that were smiling at the screen.

Lexie looked around the hallway if her sister or anyone she knew personally was watching her before she went into the ladies restroom to eventually take the pregnancy test. She was still looking on the outside of the room and didn´t notice that Meredith was standing by the sink washing her hands.

"Lexie?" she asked confused about her sister´s behavior, again.

"Oh my god, Meredith!" she was startled by her sister´s appearance. "I didn´t think you were here."

"On the toilet?" the older one asked drying her hands with a paper towel. "What is wrong with you? You seem so absent lately." Meredith worried but Lexie just shook her head as if nothing was going on.

"I´m fine, you know what I...I just come back later. In fact I don´t have to pee anymore. I don´t remember why I even came here." Lexie faked a giggle walking backwards and opening the door again.

"Don´t you have a photographic memory?" Meredith, who has already finished drying and disinfect her hands looked at her suspiciously and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Right. I do. Um..you know I think I just heard the saying my name outside. But it was nice to see you." she meant continuously walking backwards until she finally stepped outside and walked away.

Owen entered the library, where he saw Cristina sitting by a table with a bunch of books. His cheeks turned red the moment he saw her, not to mention what he felt below the belt. He walked up to her and she recognized him immediately when she smelled his masculine scent and felt his warm breath on her neck.

"What are you studying?" he asked playing with her hair and moving his mouth only millimeters above her skin which sent shivers down her spine.

"I´m searching for Teddy´s project for the contest." she almost moaned at his touch.

"What is she working on?" Owen tried to keep the volume down but she had to giggle when he touch a part on her neck she was sensitive on.

"I can´t tell you. That´s against the rules." she smiled blushing when suddenly they heard the librarian hush them down.

"Is there an on-call room nearby." Owen whispered into Cristina´s ear.

"It is." she jumped up leaving everything behind as it was and they both went out of the library. They walked down the hallway kissing and already ripping at each other´s scrubs. They couldn´t hold t any longer when the on-call room door was closed behind them and they threw themselves onto the sheets wanting more of each other´s bodies. They were in the middle of their doing when Alex entered the room talking on Izzie´s voice mail again, and turned on the light.

"Oh my god!" Cristina meant shocked and pulled a blanket over their bodies when Alex looked at them not less shocked and disgusted. He hung up running out of the room and closing the door again.

"Consider to lock it the next time." he advised them and only heard Cristina´s giggle as a reply before he walked away still disgusted.

Fear is nothing to be ashamed of.

We can be afraid that nothing will come back to the old.

That the future won´t look like we wanted it to look.

Fear is a common feeling.

The day was coming to an end and so did the doctor´s shifts. It was already 8 pm when Meredith arrived at her house, expecting Derek still sitting on the couch and doing nothing or in bed and doing nothing. But she was rather surprised when she opened the front door and the living room and kitchen were cleaned and no fiancé was in sight. She went upstairs to their bedroom opening the door, not expecting what she saw.

"Derek. You´ve shaved your beard." Meredith acknowledged as soon as she saw him sitting in the bed with a good book in his hands.

"Yes, I guess you finally convinced me that hiding on the couch with a beer is not the solution I was searching for. Work is." He explained and made her smile with his little compliment.

"I´m glad you feel better again." she put her lips on on his and his hand cupped her cheek as he let them stay there longer.

"I´m just gonna get a quick shower and then I´ll come to you." Meredith meant as she finally let go of his lips.

"I´ll be here waiting." Derek replied with a grin, Meredith knew just too good. That smirk meant he wanted sex and she was more than willing to give that to him.

"I hope so." she meant flirty, only her head looking out of the bathroom, before she closed the door. After Meredith´s quick shower she brushed her teeth for some fresh breath. As she opened the little wall cupboard above the sink to take some facial cream, she noticed her hormones still being placed there like one week ago when she stopped taking them. She still couldn´t tell Derek about her phantom pregnancy, with all she had to cope with all he had to cope with the past days, she didn´t want him to feel more pain. But now that he felt better, she decided to throw the hormones away and maybe talk about it at some point. So she took all the packages and injections she had to take the past four months to get pregnant and threw them into the rubbish.

"I´ll tell him after sex." she thought out loud, as she didn´t want to destroy his good mood.

What we shouldn´t do is hiding our fear.

To push it down every time we feel it coming up again.

We need someone trustworthy to talk to.

Or we can never overcome our fears.

"Meredith, why are your hormones in the dumpster?" Derek asked holding a package of them in his hand when he came from to bathroom to the bedroom where his fiancé was already lying in bed finding some rest after their amazing sex.
"The ob said you should take them in the first trimester." He was confused as Meredith told him to sit down. She was happy that Derek was eventually getting better after his mother's death and didn't want to tell him the bed news already but she had to, now that he found out she threw all the hormones away.
"When I had the ultra sound with Arizona I was pretty sure to bring home a picture for you. But as it turned out..." she started but her voice broke down as she saw tears in Derek's eyes.
"I never was pregnant. I was a phantom pregnancy. My body thought I was already pregnant and...Because I was too afraid to get bad news and never went to an ultra sound we found out now." She continued and Derek sighed at the end. "I'm so sorry." She finally let some tears roll down her face as Derek came closer and hugged her tightly.
"Don't be. It's not your fault. We can try it again. Without those hormones." He comforted her trying to stay strong as she couldn't be the strong one this time.
"I really wanted to give you a child." She sobbed into his arms as he tightened the hug even more.
"Meredith, look at me." He asked her as he lifted up her chin so her eyes met his. "It's okay. I'm not mad or anything. It's okay." He kissed her lips softly before she put her head on his chest again and continued sobbing until she eventually got silent and Derek cradled her in the hug.

But no matter what happens next you will never be fearless.

You hope you won´t be but that´s a lie.

Life consists out of challenges. We couldn´t survive without them.

Fear is constant and forever.

"Hey...Hey what´s wrong?" Mark saw Lexie sitting on a bench in the lobby crying into her hands and immediately walked towards her. "Oh my god...did Webber fire you? That´s...I´m gonna go to him and tell him, that you are the best intern I´ve ever seen. He can´t fire you."

"No..No it´s not that..it´s...please Mark can you go?" Lexie looked up a bit so she could talk better. Mark´s heart broke when he saw her swollen eyes and red nose. Only god knew how long she´s been crying.

"No..you´re crying...I´m not gonna leave you here like that." he insisted on staying which made her sob even harder and him even more clueless.

"Mark please!" she cried into her wet hands, and all he wanted to do was hug her but he know that he couldn´t do it.

"You want me to get Jackson? Because I´m not gonna leave you here alone in that condition." he still wanted to help her because even when she told him to go he could sense that she wanted him to stay.

"Mark go!" her words were almost not to hear, as her voice got huskily and she was crying so hard.

"Come here." Mark couldn´t resist any longer and wrapped his arms around her.

"Go! Leave me alone!" Lexie still told him but her body leaned against him and her face was now buried in his dark blue scrub shirt.

"Shh.." he tried to calm her down with a huge success. His soft, calm voice immediately made her feel better and the sobs got more quiet with every minute he was holding her. Although it felt like an eternity until the last cry came out of her mouth both enjoyed every second.

"You want to tell me what´s wrong now?" Mark asked still not less worried when Lexie pulled away.

"I...I´m gonna lose my job...I´m just an intern...I can´t allow myself to be..." she stuttered anxious and didn´t help Mark´s confusion.

"What? To be what?" Mark tried to get it out of her and in the meantime Jackson walked down the stairs, because he and Lexie always waited for each other to drive home together. But when he saw them sitting there he stopped to listen to them.

"I´m pregnant Mark." Lexie whispered still with a husky voice and looking down at her hands. Mark closed his eyes sighing, thinking that he lost her forever. Jackson also not less surprised gasped before he walked to another entrance to leave the hospital. He knew it couldn´t be his.

"Does Jackson know?"he wanted to know looking at his own hands, not bearing to see the love of his life pregnant with another man´s baby. But Lexie shook her head silently as her eyes welled up again. "Maybe you should tell him?" Mark suggested almost vomiting thinking about her in Jackson´s arms.

"It´s not that easy...it´s...it´s not easy because..because..." Lexie stuttered and looked up at him which led to her getting even more tears in her eyes.

"What is it?" Mark now looked at her and the second their eyes met both felt that bond between them.

"It´s not his...Mark I´m pregnant with your child." A tear rolled down Lexie´s cheek when she said it out loud, while Mark´s expression changed to a very shocked face and a gasp leaving his mouth.

But you will never be alone with it.