And now to make our hero miserable, because that's apparently something I like to do...

Married Life

Chapter Two: Tantalus

Goblin Slayer stood as still as a statue: if the baking hot summer sun had any effect on him under his helmet and armour, he showed no outward sign. And the truth was, the heat didn't bother him any more than the icy cold winds of winter would have. His training under the Rhea Burglar had granted him the ability to ignore such discomforts for extended periods of time through self-discipline and force of will.

No, he wasn't uncomfortable, but he was growing increasingly, mind-numbingly bored out of his mind.

It had been a simple quest: goblins had been attacking caravans on their way to Market Town, a prosperous mercantile centre three days by foot from Frontier Town. The chance to kill goblins had been all the motivation he'd need to take the quest, but he'd been a little surprised that High Elf Archer hadn't objected to such a simple job when there were requests for Adventurers to explore recently discovered ruins up for grabs. Instead she'd simply smiled, then lent over the desk to whisper something in Guild Girls ear.

Experience had taught Goblin Slayer to be concerned when his wives started talking behind his back, and the light in Guild Girls eyes told him that he was in for trouble. The clerk had clasped her hands together excitedly, almost jumping with joy, then kissed we wife full on the lips. While Goblin Slayer had seen the two of them do far more with each other, neither was usually prone to such public displays of affection, especially when Guild Girl was at work. He'd intended to enquire just what had been said, but Guild Girl had vanished into the office behind the front desk, while High Elf Archer had grabbed Priestess by the arm and almost sprinted out the door, all but dragging the young woman behind her. He'd turned to Dwarf Shaman and Lizard Priest, but the two remaining members of his party had been as confused as he was.

"Happy Wife, Happy Life." the Dwarf had shrugged, "Something you have to work thee times as hard at, so be glad when it comes easy."

Arriving back at the farm to pack for the quest, Goblin Slayer had been surprised to discover that most of the work had already been done: High Elf Archer had rented a horse drawn wagon, and Cow Girl was busy helping load supplies and equipment into the back. He'd looked it over, and was surprised to discover that they'd packed far more than the five of them would need. Indeed, they had enough extra food and water for two extra people.

Then Guild Girl had stepped out of their cottage in clothes suitable for travelling, and realisation had dawned upon him. Market Town, with its namesake markets, bazaars and boutiques, was known across the Kingdom as the Great Crossroads, where merchants and traders from far flung lands came together before heading down the paved coach road to the Capital. It was often said that, if it wasn't for sale or trade in Market Town, then it didn't exist. There was even talk of hidden, underground chambers where shady figures exchanged books of forbidden knowledge, exotic slaves and illicit drugs from far away places with strange sounding names.

Goblin Slayer knew that this last part was only partly true: every so often, a large group of Adventures would be assembled and sent into the sprawling tunnels under the town to rout out any criminal activity. He knew this because Heavy Swordsman, Female Knight and Spearman had all taken part in such operations in the past, and had reported no sign of goblin activity below the town.

It was, in short, the best place to go shopping outside of the Capital itself, and all three of his wives were gearing up for an expedition.

The journey to Market Town had been pleasant enough: the weather had been warm without being hot, the road well maintained and free of obstructions. Cow Girl and Guild Girl had been fascinated, having never been on a Quest before, and had spent much of the time asking questions and listening to stories of past adventures and distant lands. Goblin Slayer had remained at the front of the wagon, holding onto the reigns, but his ears had twitched when Dwarf Shaman had asked Cow Girl if she had any embarrassing stories from the notoriously stoic Adventurers childhood.

The entire party had fallen silent, almost all eyes on Cow Girl.

Goblin Slayer had sat, still as a statue, remembering some of the more embarrassing events of his youth that only the red-head was privy to. Fortunately, for whatever reason, she kept the worst of his youthful indiscretions to herself, and instead entertained them with humourus but not especially embarrassing tales from their shared childhood.

Setting up camp had been entertaining: Guild Girl had never slept under the stars before, and in the end had elected to set up her bed in the wagon, and turned a most unexpected shade of green upon being informed that there were no toilets in the wild. Cow Girl had insisted on cooking, taking the various ingredients the others provided to create a meal far superior to what they usually made do with on the road. Goblin Slayer had offered to take the first watch, and the others had settled down for the night, Priestess proclaiming that if there was the option of sleeping in the wagon rather than on the ground, then she was taking it. High Elf Archer and Cow Girl set out their bed rolls side by side, allowing the two of them to share a single blanket.

Dawn saw them on the road again after a quick but filling breakfast, and they made good time along the road, passing wagons loaded with goods going to and from Market Town, pilgrims headed for the great temple in Water Town and a troop of travailing actors looking for a new audience for their plays. It was the furthest Cow Girl had ever been from home, and she sat wide-eyed on the front seat, asking endless questions about the area they were passing through. The others answered as best they could, but only Dwarf Shaman had actually been that way before, and not for several years.

They reached Market Town just before nightfall and split into two groups: the Adventurers went to scout the immediate area for any sign of goblin activity while Cow Girl and Guild Girl took the wagon to a nearby Inn to book rooms for the duration of their stay. In the end they only found a few stragglers from a raid on a caravan, but Goblin Slayer had wasted no time in killing them all, then examined their bodies for any clues towards the location of their nest while Priestess used her Minor Heal miracle to help those injured in the attack. Not wanting to go on without a plan or even the location of the nest, they made their way back to town, escorting the survivors of the caravan.

Arriving at the Inn, they discovered that there had only two rooms available, so Goblin Slayer, Dwarf Shaman and Lizard Priest would take one, while High Elf Archer, Priestess, Cow Girl and Guild Girl would take the other. A look of absolute terror came over Priestess' face, but High Elf Archer had patted her on the head and assured her that nothing inappropriate would be happening. Goblin Slayer wasn't sure if the young cleric was relieved or disappointed, but she did accept the arrangement. After a quick meal, they all turned in for the night.

Under normal circumstances, Dwarf Shamans snoring didn't bother him, but for some reason, that night it did.

Dawn saw them all down at breakfast, Priestess looking well rested and relaxed. Goblin Slayer wasn't sure if that was reassuring or not, but he laid out the plan for the day: the Adventurers would go out and see if they could locate any goblin nests, then return for a light lunch, then go back to bed so they'd be well rested to hit the goblins just before nightfall, when they'd still be asleep. While they rested up, Cow Girl and Guild Girl would go shopping for any additional supplies or equipment they might need. It was a good plan, one the others readily agreed to, and he wondered if there was something to having non-Adventurers acting in support positions where there was no risk of encountering monsters, and made a mental note to bring it up when they got back to the Guild Hall.

Their hunt for the goblin nest went well, and they'd soon confirmed that there was a single nest, but with two separate entrances almost a mile apart. While not impossible to take down, it did present a number of challenges that Goblin Slayer spent the journey back to Market Town going over in his head, and he had a complete shopping list for Cow Girl and Guild Girl. Fortunately, they proved to be more than up to the task, and had everything on his list ready and waiting for the Adventurers when they awoke an hour before nightfall. While he felt confident in their ability to follow instructions and select only the best quality equipment, he was putting his life and the lives of his party members on the line, so he quickly double checked everything before nodding. Cow Girl and Guild Girl wished them all luck, kissing Goblin Slayer and High Elf Archer, before returning to the Inn for what they knew was going to be a sleepless night.

Gathering up their equipment, the Adventurers set off into the gathering dark.

The actual raid on the goblin nest was actually somewhat anticlimactic, with only a single Shaman and a pair of Hobgoblin to offer much in the way of resistance. And with Goblin Slayers careful planning and the extra equipment, they were able to exterminate the entire nest and rescue a couple of captive long before dawn broke again. Returning to town with the rescued women, they had found Cow Girl and Guild Girl waiting at the gates with members of the Merchants Guild that effectively ran Market Town, who quickly took over care for the former captives, leading them away for medical attention. Cow Girl and Guild Girl likewise led the Adventurers back to the Inn to rest. They'd slept most of the day, only rising to wash themselves and eat, before sleeping the night through.

But that had been yesterday, and at breakfast that morning, Dwarf Shaman and Lizard Priest had mumbled some excuses then simply vanished, leaving Goblin Slayer alone with his wives and Priestess.

And that was how he found himself standing outside yet another boutique, weighed down by seemingly endless bags, boxes and packages, dutifully awaiting even more to be added to his load. He had no idea just where the four women were getting their energy from, or how they seemed able to understand each other while talking so fast. He had a sneaking suspicion as to where they had gotten the gold coins that they were spending so freely, but then he had given them access to the account he held with the Adventurers Guild that held most of his earnings.

Priestess ran from the shop carrying a pile of boxes almost as tall as she was, and placed them at his feet before running back inside.

They were going to need a bigger wagon.

To Be Continued