Chapitre 10 - Katie

The house was growing quieter and quieter. It was like a dense cover falling on the windows, blocking the air out. Just like the old dollhouse in the attic, Katie felt like one of the dusty doll inside, incapable of moving or getting away from the cobwebs. She also felt forgotten in the middle of all this. As soon as Lucas started to go to the hospital regularly, her parents were taking shifts between their jobs and Saint Mary Hospital. And her, at home, was often watched by the old neighbour. She was nice enough but a bit boring. She looked at Katie with sad eyes all the time and it was really annoying her. Her parents would come back home in the middle of the night, and the first few times, when the little girl woke up to go and see them, talk to them, they just told her to go back to her room… She had been angry, a lot. She was angry at everybody and everything. Her parents for not paying attention to her anymore. Her teachers for not seeing anything. And Lucas, for dying.

At first, she thought she was mad at him for stealing their parents all for himself. One day, she went to his hospital room. It smelt odd. There was flowers, little objects and toys from his room that were left on the side. He looked sleepy, really sleepy and he did not seem to be able to have a normal conversation. There were a lot of people in the corridor, talking in hushed tones. Her mom had told her that Lucas was apparently soon going to be meeting God. Katie had been jealous first. How come nobody had asked her about meeting God?... But then, she understood what that meant. Dying. He would be meeting God but he would never really come back. And they would meet later, when she would join God just like him.

She had asked, of course, if God could not wait a bit. Just a bit. But she got told that it was not possible. The hospital was not a place she liked. Despite all the people being very nice with her, buying crisps and sweets for her, the people praying with all of them, hugging them… She would have wanted to have all of that at home, with her parents and Lucas.

Well… She got what she wanted. But not quite. That's when Katie understood that she should have been a little bit more precise with her prayers to God. Her parents and Lucas were back at home. But now, Lucas was always in his room. Sometimes, she would hear him cry or talk in a high pitched voice, sometimes it was her parents that would cry or speak weirdly. The relentless movement at the hospital transformed into sluggish whispers and tip toeing.

The door of the kitchen was closed. It was odd. She never noticed that door before. It was always opened, lunch or dinner smelling from the living room. They would slip through the opening to steal some biscuits or sweets with Lucas, when he was not sick. But today, no aroma of pies or pizza, but muffled voice.

The Father was there. Katie started see him in tents and local community centers where he was preaching. She did not always understood what he was saying, but her mom and her dad were very passionate about him. He was moving his hands, spoke with a loud voice… But what Katie really liked, were the songs. She knew them all by heart. She also understood only half of them, but she understood the fundamental: they were good and they would fight to keep bad people at bay. When Lucas started to be ill, the Father would visit them, personally. Her mom told her how special they were, to be able to speak with a preacher who received messages from God regularly. Katie was often drawing for him, trying to include as many Holy symbols as she could to impress him. He looked pleased but he always had that sort of… Fear in his eyes when he was looking at her. She did not know why. Nevertheless, she did not see him that often lately. He often talked to her parents, in the kitchen, behind the closed door.

Katie was pretending to play with some dolls and cars. Pretending. Because what she wanted was to hear anything from the other side of that door. She also wanted to grab some crumbs of attention the second her parents would step outside of that room, before they would go back to Lucas' bedside.

The door opened. The Father was seating at the kitchen table, holding the hands of her mother who had her head low. Her father had his back to her but she could see his shoulder shivering. Somebody stepped out and closed the door behind. John had a smile on his face, as always. "John! Are my parents going to come out soon?" she asked. John was very funny and very nice. He would sometimes bring her little things like sweets and drawings about the bible and the Father's vision. He would ask her what she thought and they would talk. Having that kind of attention from a grown-up was something that Katie cherished a lot. John frowned and sat at one of the couch of the living room. "No Katie, your parents are talking with the Father, it may take some time." he replied, looking a bit sorry. He joined his hands on his knees and laid a bit forward as Katie looked disappointed "Oh Okay" she shrugged. "Now Darling, come on, let's go in the garden, it's beautiful outside." he said, standing up and going towards the back door. The Seeds had come regularly at her house. At the start, it was once in a while and in the past few weeks, they had come every three or four days. They knew the house, and they had started to know a lot about the family history.

Outside, Katie felt like she could breath more fully. As if, inside, she could not fill up her lungs. Maybe it was Death taking a bit out of everybody's air… She imagined it hiding in the shadows, with long and sharp nails, brushing them behind people's back, retrieving some blue bubbles like she had seen in a biology book. Then he would eat them with his nasty black teeth… But in the garden, the wind seemed to bear much needed oxygen. She walked down the few steps until the grass and ran for the swing.

As she sat on the wooden seat, her little shoes hanging around two feet from the ground, John, all smiling, went behind her to begin pushing her gently. Lucas and dad had stopped doing it a while ago. Now, whenever the Seeds came, John or Faith would play with her. They would give her most of the attention she would receive in an entire week. She would prefer her mom and dad to be there, but right now she did not have a great deal of choice in the matter.

As she swung into the air she could hear the rope creak. The wind was rushing in the bushes and in the distance she could hear cars. A tall green mountain was towering her house far ahead. It was very far away but sometimes it felt as if it was going to crash onto them.

"How are you doing Katie?" said John after a few seconds of silence. Her teacher would ask her that in the morning as well, but she did not think that she was really listening, or even, really asking her. She would ask it repeatedly to every child of the class and if you would start telling a long story, she would just say "We'll speak about that later" and then never actually ask about it ever… Katie had grown used to say "I'm fine" automatically. So she said "I'm fine…", her eyes going over the roofs of the neighbouring houses. "You don't have to lie, you know, God knows…" the word God seemed to snap her out of her dreams. "God… I was told he knew everything everything, that's true right?" John just said "Yep.
- And does that mean that he knows when I'm sad?
- Yes, that also.
- And does that mean that if I do something just to look good, but I don't want to do it, he knows that as well?" John held the two strings to make the swing stop and walked around to stand in front of the child. "Katie, you do not need to be perfect. We all make mistakes. That is why it is important to listen to the Father and to do what he says.
- Did you do mistakes ?
- Yes, lots. And I started listening to the Father, and now I am better.
- You are happy?"
John crouched and smiled. "I am. And you can be happy too if you want to."