Olivia had been too busy working in San Francisco to stop and think of the rendezvous with Fitz that awaited her once she made it back home. Harrison and her had thrown themselves fully into developing the concepts for their next undertaking and had been going back and forth with the charity, full of early mornings and late nights. She feared she may have damaged her relationship with Harrison even though he seemed to have overcome his disappointment, and she tried to be as normal as possible without coming off paranoid.
Harrison on the other hand felt for her and what she'd been through, but he didn't know how to reach out to her emotionally. He didn't want to invade her privacy so he'd abstained from asking her if she'd seen Fitz yet, he wanted her to come to him on her own terms if she cared to share anything from here on out and he wasn't going to force it.
By the third day of their business trip Liv couldn't take it anymore and invited Harrison to have room service with her. They'd both been stressed out by the job and were walking on eggshells around one another—both needing some sort of reprieve and this was the perfect occasion. Liv opened her room door to let Harry in, greeting him with a warm hug and a beaming smile, trying to quell the awkwardness she felt.
"Is this an HGTV and dinner night?" Harrison asked referencing their guilty pleasure of ordering room service and watching hours of HGTV like they customarily did while away from home.
"Sure is!" replied Liv.
"Perfect, where's the menu?" Harrison asked.
Liv told him what she wanted from the dinner options and stepped away to shower while handing him the menu and offering him the other fluffy robe so they could slip into relaxation mode. By the time she was out the shower dinner had been delivered and HGTV was playing. They ate their dinner while bantering over the design choices made by the homeowners, playing design critics until Harrison interrupted their atmosphere with a question…
"Did you already see Fitz?" he asked.
Liv knew this conversation between them was only a matter of time and she felt like there was no time like the present to share her feelings with someone.
"Not yet, I'm supposed to see him when we get back. I told him that I'd let him know… you know, just like Mike dictated to me," she said with a chuckle.
"And he hasn't contacted you after that?" Harry asked.
"No, he hasn't, but he did like all my Instagram photos… all 643 of them! I didn't have the heart to tell him that liking people's old ass posts can be perceived as stalker-ish and creepy," she answered.
"That's cause he's an old man and he doesn't know the rules of dating now," Harrison teased.
"Dating rules? Really, Harry? We're not dating, we are meeting up to get some face to face closure after all this time," said Liv.
"I know, I didn't mean it like that, but I'm sure that with the way that man wrote to you—I'm sure he'd be ecstatic if dating were somehow on the table again," he said.
"Well it isn't, we never even had a real relationship. It was an affair, remember? Existed in our own little bubble," she said despondently.
"I know, but he said he's single now, and his words obviously affected you if they were making you cry; prompting you to come clean with me," Harrison probed.
She leaned her head on his shoulder and with a deep huff she told him: "His words were making me angry more than sad at first. They revived what I'd felt back then, both extremes of love and hate, and then I got angry because I felt for him, despite what he'd done. I was angry with myself and I chose to ignore his messages, but I could gauge all that sadness emanating from him through his words and I thought of how I'd live with that gaping silence I'd leave if I never answered him… so I did. Now who knows? I feel like I made it worse by asking to meet up."
The air in the room had shifted and Harrison felt for her, he realized she was confused about the choice she'd made, so he vowed to help her work her way through it.
"I don't think you made it worse, I think that once you see each other in person you'll be able to be at peace; both of you. You'll put an end to that silence you mentioned, whatever you have left unsaid inside you from the time you decided to erase his existence, and he can perhaps understand your choices better. You're going to have to suck it up and do it Pope, no turning back now," he joshed.
"Aaaaarrrrgh! I know, I know… kind of jittery about the whole thing," she said.
"So what are you going to wear?" he asked raising his eyebrows.
"Seriously? This is your concern?" Olivia asked him.
"Yeah, you know damn well you're going to aim to knock his socks off. Don't even pretend like you're not conjuring up ways to leave him floored when you walk away. You forget I know you," he joked.
"I already knocked more than his socks off… my mere presence will suffice," she said as she stuck her tongue out at him.
They stayed silent after their conversation, Harrison exchanging a glance with her letting her know he felt honored she'd opened up even a little bit about the situation. And grateful that she'd managed to do it with humor as well. They picked up after finishing their dinner, placed the plates back on the trays and hugged goodbye as Harry placed them in the hallway and turned towards his room.
On the other side of the world Fitz was anxious while fighting the temptation to text her. He didn't want to cross the line and annoy her by asking her when she would be back in town. He'd lurked on her Instagram to see if she had posted anything so he would figure out what she was up to, but she hadn't. He did notice that her posts often spanned many beautiful locations, as if she were always on vacation, he wondered about who she was now? Was she the same woman he fell in love with? How had she changed after what happened between them? Unable to resist temptation any longer he decided to text her and try his luck.
"Hi."
Liv's phone chimed and she chuckled when she saw it was him. She'd unwittingly summoned him with her thoughts. Suddenly she found herself too nervous to reply, and grateful that Harrison had left to his own room, otherwise she'd never hear the end of it.
"Hey, what's up?" she responded.
"Was wondering how much longer you'll be out of town, that is if you're still out of town?"
"I am. I'm in San Francisco. For work. I get back in two days…"
Now Fitz felt awkward contacting her, he hoped she didn't find his intrusion as annoying as he felt he was being.
"We can meet Thursday at the old café. At 7?" she asked.
"Sure. Need me to pick you up?
She rolled her eyes at his sly invitation to pick her up and simply responded "I'll meet you there."
"Ok. I'll see you Thursday."
He felt a little silly that he got carried away and asked to pick her up but like always when it came to her he couldn't help himself. He took a few deep breaths and tried to calm the anxiety he felt creeping in as he thought of seeing her in just a few days. He was going to lose his mind otherwise.
Olivia realized right then and there that she needed to be very careful in making him understand that what she wanted was peace between them, not for him to get all cutesy and offer to pick her up. She quelled her mind and tried not to be annoyed as she got under the fluffy hotel comforter and called it an early night.
A few days passed and Liv was back home. Her meeting with Fitz rapidly approaching, and gradually raising her anxiety levels. She decided she'd go shopping to pick out an outfit and work out her anxiety this way. After a few rounds of walking around Saks she decided on some cropped light wash jeans and a white mock neck blouse. Black strappy low-heeled sandals and her favorite small sling purse would do for the occasion she thought.
Thursday soon arrived and she found herself getting ready ahead of time. She picked up her coiled hair into a high bun, leaving her face structure neatly exposed. Never one to apply too much makeup she chose some mascara and lip balm for the evening. Being late was never her thing so she decided she'd get to the café early to avoid being the one awkwardly walking in to greet him. True to her word she ordered an espresso and sat down by 6:30; she felt more at ease and in control being there before him. He hadn't contacted her after her dry response to his offer of picking her up and she abruptly wondered if he was going to even show up now that she thought of it.
She was wrong. No more than fifteen minutes later he walked through the door, looking around until their eyes met. She got up from her chair as he made his way over, his long legs effortlessly striding throughout the café. She wasn't sure of the emotions bubbling up inside her as time slowed down and the café's noise level felt as if she could hear a pin drop any minute, in her frazzled state she awkwardly extended her hand for a handshake once he made it to the table. She internally cringed and sat down, hoping for time to speed up and get her through this. Instantly, this seemed and felt like a terrible idea to her.
After a few seconds of silence Fitz took the lead and broke the ice.
"I see you got started without me," he said pointing to her coffee cup.
Liv just shrugged her shoulders and flashed a small smile in return.
And just before another awkward silence begun they were saved by their waitress who interrupted them to take their order. Liv asked for some seltzer and an almond croissant while Fitz just wanted a glass of water. He could barely function.
"You smell the same, but you look—I'm not sure, you look wiser…" he said with hesitation while trying not to drown in the memories of her scent. That intoxicating mix of almonds and musky vanilla from Dior's Hypnotic Poison that used to leave him dizzy was having the same effect on him right now.
"Is this your way of calling me old?" she tentatively asked.
"Absolutely not! There's a certain wisdom behind your eyes. I can see it when I look at you," he said.
"Hmmm. I guess I'll take that as a compliment. You look the same, but different? I think seasoned is the word," she said as she took the last sip from her espresso.
"Well that's definitely NOT a compliment. So, you wanted to meet?" he asked, his question like swiftly ripping off a Band-Aid and catching her off guard.
Before even contemplating how to answer his question she glanced at him as he took a sip of water, both a ball of nerves, uncharacteristically out of sync. She couldn't help but notice that his ring finger no longer had a ring tan as he lifted the glass to his lips, the cruel realization of their unfortunate timing slowly spreading over her body. She took a deep breath and sought courage from within to just have the conversation already.
"I did. You were pouring your heart out in the messages you sent and so much time has passed since we last saw one another that I felt it was time for you to know I forgave you long ago for what happened," she said with a shaky breath.
"Why'd you disappear on me? You must've known I didn't mean any of that. I was experiencing the worst thing that's ever happened to me, struggling to stay afloat but you knew you were my rock, the only other true thing in my life at the time. You didn't even bother to stay and argue with me. I would've preferred being told what an asshole I was, how out of pocket I was, rather than the silence I got instead. I couldn't tell if you couldn't find it in your heart to be angry, or if you were so angry that you had no words—or even worse: if you'd reached a point of indifference?" he said.
Always one to properly express his emotions Fitz left her speechless again, leaving her to suffer more silence. Where she struggled the most, he excelled. She took a deep breath and looked away to the corner of the room, she couldn't make eye contact with him right now. If she thought asking him to meet her was a bad idea before, now she felt that it had been one of her worst ideas ever. He'd managed to disarm her like he always did. She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye hoping to regain her composure as she felt like she had no answers for him.
"Liv?" he asked. Their table shrouded in silence for what seemed like an eternity.
"Livvie?" he asked in a softer tone, barely above a whisper. He was trying to reach her however he could. He just wanted to understand what happened more than anything.
"I guess I just couldn't deal with what happened, you know me, and I couldn't even fathom internalizing that what happened to Gerry was somehow my fault. I felt enough guilt and shame about the affair at the time, and the only thing I could think of that would make it easier on both of us was to just cut you off. We'd been doing the same thing for two years; it was beyond irresponsible and you know it. You know we would've only kept on repeating the same mistakes. You would've never let me go no matter how I asked you to, and I would've only ruminated on your words—the last thing I wanted was to toxically repeat your words in my head nonstop. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but at the time it felt right. We moved on, didn't we? We got better. You told me you went to counseling, and you got divorced—your marriage no longer a source of your unhappiness. It's a shitty card you were dealt and I could never ever begin to understand how you felt, I'm not a parent so I don't think I could even attempt to. I feel like it would've been insulting to you. It wasn't indifference at all, some of it was anger—anger that we'd fallen so hopelessly in love, that we'd spun so out of control knowing how wrong we were—that there was no future, and some of the immediate anger stemmed from what you said too. You hurt me, I'm not going to deny that. We've poisoned each other enough, don't you think? In retrospect, I can't say that my choice was a bad choice. Can you?" she asked solemnly feeling like a ton of bricks had just been lifted from her chest.
Fitz felt uncomfortable with all the truth she was now choosing to tell him. Did she seriously think they'd poisoned each other this deeply? Sure, they'd turned out a disaster, but besides the birth of his son and being a doting father for as a long as he could be, loving Olivia was the most beautiful thing that had happened to him in his entire life.
"You can't seriously think of yourself as poison Liv. Besides Gerry being born… loving you was the other greatest thing that's ever happened to me. And when you left me I had no answers, I've been wondering for years about where you were? If you had found someone new? That you were somewhere out there feeling guilty because of what I'd said. I felt like I imagined what we shared… I knew I fucked up, but I had this expectation that you'd know it was the grief talking, not that you'd take off. I was wrong, I knew it the minute I said it. You never even gave me a chance to apologize, and now that I have…now you tell me that it all feels like a colossal mistake…" he said, his tone defeated.
"Fitz. There was no future, we knew this going in. Staying would've prolonged the inevitable. We would've only hurt each other more and you know it. I just wanted you to know that I forgive you—that I forgave you long ago. I know you didn't mean what you said, and I felt the anguish in your messages so I simply just wanted you to know that. I didn't want to keep extending my cruel silence. That's why I asked you to come here today, so that in knowing I forgave you, you also forgive yourself. You've made strides in your life, I'd hate to be the cause of stunting your growth," she said.
"That's not what this is about Olivia!" he said as he raised his voice.
"Fitz! I didn't come here to fight. I'm telling you the truth. You wanted to know how I've felt all these years and now you know. You said you wanted my forgiveness and I'm telling you I forgave you, what more do you want?" she asked.
"What more do I want? Are you serious? I want to hear you admit you were too chicken shit to work on us when shit got really rough, and that running away was the easy way out for you… don't you find your actions to be a little extreme?" he asked.
"Okaaaaayyy, I don't have to take this shit. Don't ask me for forgiveness and then show up and try to force my hand. I'm telling you how things were- you were married, we had an affair, your son died, you blamed me for tempting you even though you were the one stepping out on your wife and then your karmic retribution shit lest we forget. Now you want to sit here and continue playing some sick form of the blame game? I'm sorry that your son died. It was a tragic accident. I have absolutely no words to console you with about your loss. Nothing I could've said or done would've sufficed. I'm sorry you didn't like how I handled things back then. Do I wish I could've been stronger for you? Maybe, but it also wasn't my place and you know it. We're done here," she said.
Olivia pushed her chair back and grabbed her purse as she tried to compose herself. She felt like he had seen past the wall she had built, it was easy to leave him when he was unavailable, always giving her an out knowing she wouldn't have to fully commit. Questioning her coping methods had been a step too far for her liking tonight. They were here to discuss her forgiveness so he could move on with his life, how did it become about her being too chicken shit to stick it out with him when he was married?
She took a deep breath as she wiped her sweaty palms on the side of her jeans as Fitz was taking cash out of his wallet to leave on the table. She did an about-face and headed towards the door with him hot on her heels, both too clouded by what had just transpired to realize they were walking out into a rainstorm. Finding themselves without an umbrella forced them to stop and pause under the awning of the café, both looking out into the distant street.
As the rain pummeled the pavement and the wind blew the mist around Olivia shivered as she leaned against the brick wall looking at Fitz's profile. Fitz was breathing loudly, his mind racing a thousand miles a minute. How could a night that he thought was so promising turn out to be so crappy? The more he thought about it the less he regretted what he'd said; they were there to be honest with one another and he did always think she took the easy way out even if he had hurt her first… he had needed her and she had bailed—something he had failed to verbalize in these years even if deep down he knew he was being somewhat unreasonable. He rationalized that love itself was unreasonable and that was enough for him to justify himself.
The sole light outside the café flickered in the storm, a perfect reflection of what they were both feeling inside, but just like rain storm could cause chaos it also had the power to cleanse, and wasn't that what they'd done inside the café? Fitz could feel Olivia staring at him as she leaned against the wall so he decided to turn and face her too. They stood there in perfect silence staring into one another's eyes while the storm roiled around them, each one providing the other the calm they'd hungered for all these years, their eyes communicating an apology for how things had spiraled inside.
Olivia grew uncomfortable at how he'd always somehow manage to disarm her and as the rain let up she broke away from their visual embrace and headed towards her car. She dabbed her tears as she got to her car hoping Fitz hadn't noticed her sorry state.
"I'm sorry Liv. Really, I am," he said.
"I'm sorry too," she answered.
Fitz walked away with his head down and his hands in his pockets as she put the car in drive. Both more uncertain about the other than before, wondering if it'd even been a good idea to see one another after all, except what they both feared was now confirmed—it was probably impossible for either of them to stop loving the other. They'd been trying to fool themselves and had seemingly failed miserably.