Author's Notes: This chapter has been sat on my computer for 4 years. Its not perfect and could be better but I thought I should just publish it anyway in order to complete the story as I won't be writing anymore. MP16 x
Chapter 2: Who We Are
"Sssshhh Willow," Katniss soothed as she rocked her two-month-old baby daughter in her arms, "you just need to sleep, it's okay no need to cry."
The scrunched up little face of Willow began to relax from the disgruntled look of tiredness as her mother's voice was finally noticed above her own crying. Sniffing slightly to herself Willow's mouth finally settled into a natural line, no turning down of wobbly lip in sight.
"That's right baby," Katniss continued to sway on the balls of her feet around the kitchen and began singing to Willow softly a vague song she remembered picking up in school, "Sing all a green willow, must be my garland. Let nobody blame him…" The song trailed off as the rest of the chorus floated away as Katniss stroked her baby's cheek with one finger before brushing the brown whisps of hair away from her face. The stubbornness of Katniss had definitely been passed onto her daughter as Katniss watched with a smile on her face as Willow fought sleep, her little eyes flickering open and shut with growing intensity.
"Singing Willow, willow, willow," the final words of the song helped Willow finally give into sleep and Katniss sighed slightly, continuing to rock in the kitchen for another five minutes before being satisfied that Willow was finally asleep, something that she had been trying to get her to do for at least an hour.
Thinking to herself Katniss wondered how she had remembered that song. It wasn't a valley song that she so loved to sing with her father but a song from an English class. On the rare occasions that the children were allowed to look in the school library Katniss had unearthed an old version of Shakespeare's Othello, and finally reaching the Willow song at the end of the play had hummed herself a little tune to the song. Never seeing the play performed the song had never had a proper tune but the version Katniss had created had made her feel special to the rest, knowing a song that the others didn't know, she finally had an innocent little secret of her own.
Suddenly the phone began ring shrilly and snapping into action the instinct to not wake her child powered Katniss to the phone where she shifted Willows weight onto her left arm and picked up the resever quickly hoping that the full rings hadn't unsettled her daughter.
Normally the phone wouldn't ring during the day. If anyone was calling it would be in the evening when Plutarch knew both Katniss and Peeta where in and if anyone else rang during the day Katniss would leave it if Peeta wasn't around, not wanting to talk to pushy press or anyone willing to bring out some unwelcome memories. But the instinct of not wanting her daughters sleep disturbed had faulted her usual plan and now she held the receiver in her hand wishing that she could just put it done and to have to worry about them ringing back straight away. Finally she lifted the receiver to her ear, making sure not the bump the wire into Willow who had snuggled into her arm away from the noise of the phone.
"Hello? Hello Katniss?" The voice at the other end of the receiver made her instantly stiffen and she tried to brush away the irrational hardness of her nature.
"Hello Katniss, is that you?" the softness in her voice sounded as if the woman was holding the phone far away as if she didn't want to speak into it either, or she was currently very wary of her actions.
"Mom?" Katniss softly replied hating the fact that her voice rose a little at the end as if she was full of emotion at saying the word and hearing the voice that had once soothed her too into sleep during childhood.
The noise at the other end crackled slightly as her mom moved to around, as if she was shifting awkwardly, not knowing how to handle a conversation with her own daughter.
"I, um," Katniss' mom struggled with her words, exhaling loudly before she continued, "I heard you had a daughter".
The words seemed to hold a tinge of sadness and Katniss couldn't help looking down into her arms to confirm once again that she was in fact a mother, and it all just wasn't some illusion. Willow's lips moved slightly in her sleep and Katniss wondered for a moment what she was dreaming about. Her small features where as delicate as one of Peeta's paintings and the brightness of her eyes was a shimmer that she remembered only seeing on one other person. And that person was long gone now.
"I left you a voicemail." Katniss answered, knowing that this really wasn't a proper answer but not wanting to let her guard down. She didn't know what had compelled her mother into ringing her. Showing no concern for Katniss over the years after the war her mother had only ever invited her over to her new home in District 2, telling Katniss that she was unable to come back to District 12. Ideally Katniss would have loved for her mother to care enough to make a call on a regular basis but wasn't concerned by her lack of care. It was her way of shutting down and protecting herself, and whilst her and Peeta had tried to move on her mother had simply chosen to exist.
Katniss could faintly hear her mother breathing and she looked around the room hoping that Peeta would be there to help her through this, but she knew that he had a big order today at the bakery and might not come home for lunch at all.
She hated holding resentment over her mother. The woman who had brought her into existence and hoped to never gain the indifference between herself and Willow but with her and her mother that was what they had become, and she didn't seem to care enough to try and remove herself from that state.
"How is she?" her mother asked quietly, "What does she look-"
"She looks like Prim." Katniss cut her off bluntly. It was true, Willow's innocent eyes reminded her of Prim but the majority of her features where down to Peeta. She knew that she didn't need to say that though, the damage had already been done reminding her mother of her lost daughter, there was no going back from it now.
"Goodbye Katniss." Her mother said quickly into the phone, her voice deadpan.
A wave of longing and fear came over Katniss and she moved into the phone more as if she was trying to move towards her mother.
"No Mom!" Katniss said urgently down the phone, hoping that the receiver wasn't too far away from her mother's ear that she couldn't hear her plea, "Please Mom, don't."
She noticed now that the fear of losing her mother again had made her heart beat faster and a lump in her throat suggested that she was close to tears. She couldn't control the volume of her voice now as the emotion overcame her.
"Don't you dare leave me again!" The tears had begun to fall down her face now and she looked quickly down at Willow trying to calm herself. She shifted in her sleep as her mother's voice penetrated her mind again and Katniss tried to suppress the sob that was about to escape her, not wanting to make any sudden noise.
A noise at the front door made her look up and she watched as Peeta walked in a smile on his face and flour on his cheek. Turning around from closing the door he saw her at the phone and it took a minute to register what was going on.
"Don't leave me Mom." Katniss said once again in to the receiver knowing that her mother was still there and alerting Peeta to who was on the phone. She hated how her voice shook with emotion but by now she couldn't help it.
Quickly Peeta strode forward and motioned to take Willow from her. Placing the receiver onto the side table Katniss gently transferred Willow in to Peeta's arms, watching her mouth open and her eyebrows knit together slightly at the unwelcome movement, before she settled down into a placid face of sleep.
Peeta looked into Katniss' eyes with a look of disbelief, worry at her crying also crossed his face as the tears continued to fall.
Her hands shaking Katniss picked up the receiver again after brushing Willow's wispy hair again as comfort and let out a deep breath steading herself. Peeta walked past her with Willow planting a small kiss on Katniss' temple whispering "It's okay, I'll be back in a moment" into her ear then carried Willow upstairs to her cot, after stopping on the stairs to nod encouragement to Katniss.
"You can't leave me again, not now you have given me this…this phone call." She took a deep breath, she didn't really know where this was going, there was so much and yet so little she wanted to actually say to her mother. She heard her mother shift once again in position and take short sharp breathes that matched Katniss', a thing that as a child she had taken comfort in when waking from nightmares, combining her breathing with one of her parents, tricking herself into believing she was as brave and could sleep through the nightmares, just like they did.
"Willow will always have me. I know that there will come a time when I won't be able to hold her, and I can't protect her from everything, and that breaks me inside , the same way I have come to realise that we couldn't…we couldn't have protected…" Katniss' stopped as she watched Peet walk slowly down the stairs and take her in his arms placing the side of her cheek not attached to the phone on his shoulder and she silently sobbed into him until she was coherent again a good minute later.
"Mom, I will protect and love my baby. The one thing that I feared the most has now become my greatest part of my life and I want you to know that I realise how ripping that away from you has destroyed you, but we love you and there is part of you that like Prim is not corrupt by everything that went on, and she is now asleep in her cot, safe and sound." Katniss looked at Peeta who now was sat at the kitchen dining table and he smiled weakly at her through shimmering eyes. Willow was the best of all of them.
"She isn't forgotten Mom. She held our family together but we should try for her Mom, this isn't who we are."
"Katniss?" The muffled noise at the end of the phone seemed as distant as it was physically, and Katniss' heart thundered in anticipation of what was about to come.
"Yes." She replied sharply figuratively watching as the wall between them began to quickly rebuild itself, a momentary loss of structural integrity restored by the ease of routine and not wanting to change the neat package of the emotions that her mother had already established.
"This is who we are." With that the long beep resounded on the line and Katniss stared at the other end of the phone in shock, unable to process the feeling of being abandoned by the woman who had created her, not just as a temporary arrangement for healing, but permanent and final.