Fitz couldn't believe her right now. He tried to steady himself, torn between turning around or walking away, their latest exchange bitterly floating in the air between them. Nothing ever seemed to go as intended between them, there was always an escalation lurking in the shadows. He knew staying put without saying anything or turning around would be the end for good and he knew he had a choice to make. Was it worth it to keep rehashing the same failed relationship? Was it even a relationship at all? If her words were anything to go by it'd never even been. He unclenched his fists and took a deep breath, hoping the cool air would fill his lungs and somehow give him strength. Torn between thinking of what to say – if saying anything at all would be appropriate at this time – or keeping silent, Fitz chose to slowly turn around.
The look of anguish in her eyes was enough to bring him to his knees if he let it and he struggled to maintain his composure. He went with the only thought he could formulate before another argument ensued.
"Just go home Liv. I think we've had enough for tonight. For the past few weeks really. Maybe it was a mistake – being in each other's orbit always seems to go left for us. Let's just…"
He couldn't even finish his sentence as she interrupted him.
"Let's just what? Forget it? Is that what you want?" she said, her voice cracking.
She couldn't help herself, she didn't want to seem vulnerable all of a sudden, but their latest exchange had left her feeling raw, open. Was there any reason to love? Any logic? Did it feel this way because this was Fitz? She wanted to run to him, to hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright the minute he lashed out, but the soft moonlight that shone on him told her he was guarded. An eternity seemed to pass and it felt as if he had no answer for her. Fitz sighed deeply again.
"Say something," she prodded.
"I don't know what to say, Liv. I.. I," he uncharacteristically stuttered. "I think we should sleep on this. I think we've had enough for one night. If you had told me this is where we'd find ourselves a few weeks ago I wouldn't have believed you. I don't want us to keep hurting one another," he said with finality in his voice.
Olivia wanted to crumble, for the earth to open up and swallow her right then and there. She didn't know if she felt embarrassed because she'd seduced him and landed them in this predicament, if the fact that she immediately expressed her regret was what was weighing her down, or if his detached reaction was what was hurting her the most. She sniffled as she stared at him, but was surprised to see him walking towards her. Fitz took a few steps towards her, his hands in his pockets. Once he was close enough he took his left hand and wiped her tears, and as he towered over her he reached down and kissed her forehead and whispered to text him when she made it home safely.
Fitz then turned around and walked towards his car, opening his door while he waited for her to do the same. Once Liv reversed and drove off he went on his way. Again, they'd gotten caught in their whirlwind of emotions, leaving them both reeling and feeling a little out of control. Olivia usually told herself he always knew what buttons to push, but alone with her thoughts on her drive she realized she'd been guilty of the same thing tonight. She texted him when she made it home like he asked her to. Torn between wanting to wash him off her or pouring herself a drink to sulk in what had just transpired, Olivia decided to push her luck and texted Fitz "I can still feel you all over me."
Not in the mood for any more emotional battles on this particular night, Fitz simply replied "Don't do that, Olivia," leaving no room for her to be coy. She'd already taken him for an emotional ride, hell, she'd even ridden him, he couldn't tolerate much more. Not wanting that to be the last thing he said to her for the night Fitz picked up his phone and told her he'd talk to her tomorrow.
Feeling rejected Olivia downed her glass of bourbon and slipped off her dress as she headed for the shower. As she stood under her steaming rainshower shower head she wanted to scream out of frustration. She kept replaying the night's events over and over in her head, losing track of how much time she'd been under the steaming water. Feeling lightheaded now that the bourbon was starting to take effect, Olivia turned off the water and wrapped herself in a fluffy towel. Fighting the urge to open up her laptop and dive into work Olivia decided to call it a night and got in bed, exhaustion taking over.
On the other side of town Fitz was spent and had already passed out. Tomorrow would be another day.
Days passed and despite the fact that Fitz told her he'd talk to her "tomorrow," Liv hadn't heard from him. Not sure about where they stood, she constantly fought the urge to text him – or even worse, the urge to go see him. Maybe he needed time, she thought to herself. Clearly he needed time if he hadn't reached out. She hated feeling out of control and this was probably the reason why she always hesitated to dive in headfirst with him. Truth be told she was a little pissed off, and now that she'd had sex with him she grew increasingly frustrated. It was one thing to go two years to go without sex voluntarily, but now that she'd had a taste of Fitz it was all she could think of.
He plagued her every thought as she found herself wondering how he was, what he was up to, how he was feeling. Deciding to be the bigger person she reached out and texted him "Hey, can you talk?" Minutes passed without an answer as she stared at her phone for what felt like hours. Eventually what felt like a distant chime roused her from her thoughts.
"Can't right now, I'm with my nephews."
"I'll call you later," he added.
She fought the urge to immediately reply "Sure, like you said you'd call me tomorrow…" and instead just opted for an "alright."
Eventually Fitz did call, but not wanting to seem too eager Liv waited for a few seconds to pass before picking up.
"Sorry, I was with the kiddos," he said smoothly.
"Can you come over?" she spouted before even thinking of the implications.
"Um, sure. What's your address?" he replied.
She gave him her address, hung up, and immediately went off to freshen up. After triple-checking that her apartment was tidy she poured herself a glass of wine for liquid courage. Once he invaded her personal space, her very own sanctuary there'd be no turning back and she was unsure how she felt about it.
Fifteen minutes later there was a knock on the door. She awkwardly opened it, not sure how to greet him as she stood to the side to let him pass. After crossing the threshold Fitz took a look around her place, casually complimenting her artwork choices.
The Fitz that stood in front of her was almost unrecognizable. He had this serene aura about him, unlike the emotionally disheveled man she'd been with just a few days prior. Opting to break the ice she asked him if he'd also like a glass of wine, but he declined and asked her for water instead, saying he needed to be clear-headed. Once she poured him his water she made her way back to her couch where he was waiting for her. He had opted to sit on her big armchair by himself, making her wonder if she was in for more rejection or if this was some good old self-preservation on his part.
The silence that enveloped them broke when he asked "What are we doing here?"
Unsure of how to answer his loaded question she took a long, hard look at him before she opened her mouth.
"You didn't call me the other day. I've been wondering how you've been, you know… after the other night," she answered him.
The air was thick between them, both paralyzed by the fear of the other.
"I know. I just needed some time," he cleared his throat before continuing "some time to get my thoughts together. I'm sorry about the other night. You were right, we shouldn't have done that."
A little taken aback by his response but hoping he wouldn't catch it she replied "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean for it to get so out of hand. I didn't mean it."
"Didn't mean what?" Fitz questioned.
"When I said we shouldn't have done that… I mean we probably shouldn't have, but there was no point in saying it, the deed was done," she said.
Not sure what to make of her response, Fitz took a sip of his water, hoping she'd continue.
She decided to just come out with it, tired of walking on eggshells inside her own home.
"What are we gonna do Fitz? Where do we go from here?"
"You tell me," Fitz said.
"I can't tell you Fitz, I don't know what you're feeling. You haven't said much. Do you really regret the other night?" she asked.
"I didn't say I regretted it. I just said you were probably right. What's done is done, Liv," he answered.
"Yeah, no point in dwelling on it now. What do you want Fitz? You can't write me those flowery messages, you can't fuck me, argue with me, and then have nothing to say to me today," she replied, her tone a tad elevated.
If her words rattled him, he didn't show it.
"Liv, I don't know. What do you want?" he asked in return, exasperatedly. Unwilling to make a move without knowing what she wanted, Fitz felt as if he was playing chess.
"Fitz, I'm asking YOU. What you want can't be dependent on what I want. What's wrong with you today? Who are you right now?" she retorted.
She was puzzled by the act of self-preservation he was putting on now. Before, when she noted he sat far away from her she wondered if he was being defensive, but now she was certain she'd terrified him into submission. This was not the same man who wrote her all those beautiful apologies, this certainly wasn't the same virile man she'd encountered at Andrew's party. Not the man who liked to fight with her tooth and nail.
"Does it matter what I want?" he asked in a defeated tone.
"Of course it does, you fucking idiot!"
He wanted to be quick on his feet, to give back the same energy in her question and tell her it certainly didn't feel like what he wanted was of importance the last time they saw one another, but hoping to diffuse the situation he chose to be honest instead, opting to give her the benefit of the doubt.
"I wanna take it slow," he simply replied.
"Slow? What is slow?" she asked, surprised by his answer.
"I just can't afford to jump in headfirst. We always seem to get it wrong. You were right, you know? We've never been in a relationship. Not a real one anyway… and now that could be within the realm of possibilities for us. That I'm single, and that you're single. That we can't seem to quit one another. But I just want to err on the side of caution, I don't want to keep having the same conversation. The same arguments. I need to know what you want. I mean, do you even want me Liv? It'll be a lot of hard work for us, to adapt to normal. What even is normal? To adapt to our normal. New normal, no need for sneaking around, a possibility of real commitment. I'm too old for this shit," he answered.
He really was exhausted. She could see it, his eyes were devoid of light. She wanted to run to him, to kiss him senseless, make him forget all the hurt they'd caused one another, but she held back for the sake of "slow," whatever that meant.
"Ok. I do want you Fitz. I know I struggle showing my emotions, but believe it or not you know me better than anyone," she said in her kindest tone, softening up while hoping he would too.
A little taken aback by that Fitz simply replied "Let's just take it day by day. No pressure, no obligations, just working through our shit. It won't be perfect, but you have to open up Liv. If you're mad, if I do something to make you angry, if you're having a shitty day… I wanna know about it. Just wanna share time with you and we'll see how it goes. And no sex, that's just going to cloud our judgment. I don't want a repeat of the park," he answered.
"No sex?" she asked.
"That's what you got out of all I just said?!"
"No! Not at all, but it's weird coming from you!" she quickly replied.
"Well, I just don't wanna fuck it up. If we do what we've always done then it'll be a waste of our time, and I don't have any more time to waste. I think I've paid my dues on wasted time," he answered.
"Ok fine, you've got a point," she agreed.
"Ok," he said.
"So, what happens next?" She sure had a lot of questions for him tonight. It was both odd and refreshing for him, this role reversal of him having his walls up while she was trying to break through. He didn't mean to be difficult, but he was tired of the emotional rollercoaster. They'd been apart for long enough, there was no point in repeating the behaviors of the past.
"Um, we go on an official first date… you know, like normal people do?" he said almost timidly.
"Sure, but I'm letting you know it's gonna take a lot to woo me," Liv joked.
"When have you known me to turn down a challenge?" he asked with a smirk.
There it was, the banter they'd missed, slowly but surely putting them both at ease.
Fitz got up from the velvet armchair, gearing up to leave.
"I have an early morning tomorrow so I have to go. Promised the boys we'd go on a little adventure," he told her.
"Oh, ok," she said as she followed him towards her front door. She'd be lying if she said she didn't want him to stay, and hugging him goodbye at her door was proving a bit difficult without escalating the situation, but she felt at peace with where they'd left things. She was both relieved and oddly recharged with how they'd talked. Awkward at first, even distant, but now she was renewed by the promise of a possible new beginning.
Once he'd left, Liv cleaned up their cups and headed to bed. Fitz drove home feeling the kind peace that had evaded him for so long. For the first time in a very long time he felt as if his purpose had been renewed, as if he hadn't made a lethal mistake that he'd have to pay for forever. By the time he got home and showered he was practically dead to the world, falling asleep emotionally spent.
Olivia, on the other hand, was feeling restless. A thousand thoughts were running through her head all at once. She didn't want to think of it as feeling giddy, but what other word was suitable for how she was feeling? She'd worked hard to overcome her own animosity, she'd offered an olive branch, opting to see what life would be like if she stopped being so reactive and got out of her own way. Oddly enough it was relieving to say the least. She kept replaying their conversation on a loop in her head, wanting to occasionally laugh at his no sex rule. She knew he'd give in eventually, she'd make sure of it. Before she knew it, an hour had passed – she was wide awake, energy coursing through her body.
She thought back to when they'd last had sex, and although she had expressed immediate regret she knew she wouldn't have wanted it any other way. She remembered the way he made her fall apart in his arms, how she'd unbuttoned his shirt and used his shoulders for leverage as she rode him. How he'd been completely spent by the time she got done with him. Sex came easy for them, unspoken communication proved to be much more effective when they couldn't find the words to say.
Frustration coupled with thinking about Fitz, specifically about having sex with Fitz, had made her horny. She wished she could tempt him into coming back to her house, she figured she could get her way if she tried hard enough, but in the spirit of respecting his wishes she knew she'd have to take matters into her own hands.
She slowly pulled her shirt over her head as she reminisced about their last time together. She began by playing with her nipples that hardened once exposed to the cool air, getting wetter by the second. Her left hand stayed teasing her left breast as she reached into her lace panties, her palm met by the landing strip she meticulously groomed. Aching more and more to relieve herself, Liv dipped her hand a little lower and was met with the wetness coating her clit. She rubbed tantalizingly slow circles over it hoping to prolong her arousal, but thinking of Fitz only seemed to be speeding matters up, and before she knew it she was teasing her entrance with her index and middle fingers.
Wanting to cum and call it a night, Liv slipped off her panties completely down her legs and reached over to her nightstand to grab her trusty vibrator. She spread her legs as she turned it on, the quiet buzz adding a new layer of sound in her room. Opting to start out easy, she slowly rubbed the tip of the vibrator over her clit causing her to shudder in pleasure. Letting out a soft moan Liv stretched her opening with her vibrator, instantly becoming greedy for more. As she found her rhythm, pumping in and out, increasing the speed, she thought of how she could put on a show like this for Fitz. He'd break his no sex rule for sure. Getting off on the idea of him watching her pleasure herself nearly sent her over the edge, and before she knew it with a few more pumps she was cumming, her back arching off her mattress matching her uneven breathing. Now she was finally exhausted, and after cleaning up she finally dozed off. Tomorrow would be another day.