Sorry for the late update. The initial write up for this chapter involved a time skip which will happen next chapter instead. I needed to set some things up first, so I wrote out a completely new chapter seventeen.
Enjoy!
A soft breeze brushed through Sakura's pale hair as she sat outside in the garden beneath the blooming cherry blossom trees. She was humming a soft tune to herself as she sketched a large picture of a phoenix, a soft smile gracing her lips.
She was excited for the coming day. For her birthday, Syaoran was taking her out for dinner. It was a nice gesture-they'd never been out for dinner together before, since Syaoran was often so busy with work related matters, so it was a nice change. She wondered what restaurant they'd be going to and what sort of food they would have. She wondered if she should dress up for the occasion or if she'd be fine as she was.
"Lady Sakura!" a maid called for her, grabbing her attention.
"Coming!" she called back.
She stood with her brand-new sketchbook and pencils that Syaoran had recently bought her and then headed back to the house. The maid was waiting patiently by the door for her.
"What is it?" Sakura asked with a smile.
"Lord Li is on the phone for you, my lady."
"Thank you." Sakura replied as she headed for the lounge, wondering why Syaoran was calling. She assumed it was to do with work.
Picking up the phone, she could hear Syaoran giving someone an instruction.
"Syaoran?" Sakura spoke his name as he finished his sentence.
"Sakura? Was that you?" he asked.
"Yes. Is everything alright?" she asked.
He sighed softly. "I need to stay late tonight and monitor one of my patients. So, I won't be home for dinner."
"Okay, I'll let Ami know. Do...you know what time you think you'll be home?" she asked, twisting the cord around her finger.
"I'm sorry, but I don't." He answered. Sakura could hear voices in the background talking. "Sakura, I'm sorry but I really have to go."
"It's okay. See you later, then." She said.
He said a quick goodbye and then the phone went silent, letting Sakura know he had hung up. She hung up the phone and then slumped down into the chair by the fire. Syaoran wasn't going to be home for dinner, which was a shame, but she knew his patients needed him. Besides, this trial was really important-it could be a major breakthrough with their research on diseases and illness caused by magic or lack thereof. She smiled and then stood, heading down to the kitchen to alert Ami of the news.
Ami looked up as Sakura walked in and she smiled kindly. "Hello My Lady. How can I help you?"
Sakura returned Ami's smile. "It seems Syaoran won't be able to make it home for dinner." She confessed. "So... would you mind giving me another cooking lesson?"
Ami blinked with surprise, and then she giggled. "Of course. How about we try something a little harder today?"
Sakura shifted her feet nervously. "If you think I'm ready, then sure..."
Ami took Sakura's hand and pulled her further into the kitchen. "You really need to work on your confidence."
"I know, but... never mind. Let's just get started." Sakura replied, eager to stray away from the conversation about her lack of confidence.
Once before Syaoran had mentioned her lack of confidence and she hated being reminded of her weakness. It was like a stab in the chest. It reminded her of everything Dimitri had told her when she was still in a relationship with him. When he would tell her that she was terrible at everything, that she was useless and no good. When he yelled at her for drawing and not being productive.
"Sakura?" Ami's voice was soft and full of concern.
Sakura looked up with surprise. "Sorry, did you say something?"
Ami watched her for a moment. "You were completely off in your own world. Are you alright?"
Sakura grimaced, "Sorry, I was just remembering some unpleasant things."
"Would you like to talk about it?" Ami asked softly.
Sakura bit her lip. She was scared that Ami would tell her that she was being childish, that she should just get over it. But it wasn't that easy.
"It's crazy how one person can break you in such a small amount of time." Sakura said quietly.
"Is this about Dimitri?" Ami asked carefully.
Sakura nodded her head. Ami led her towards the bench to sit down and started making tea.
"He...he would always tell me I was terrible at everything I did. The tea I would make would never be right and anything I baked or cooked wouldn't taste nice or it was disgusting." Sakura said, "My mother and Tomoyo would tell me it wasn't true, but..."
"You heard it so often from someone you loved, that you started to believe it." Ami finished.
Sakura's eyes widened with surprise and Ami smiled grimly in response.
"My father said the same things to me. Once he died, as horrible as it sounds, and the people where I worked started telling me how good my cooking was, I started to feel my confidence coming back." She explained, "It took a while, but now I know that I'm good at what I do."
Sakura gnawed her lip. "I don't know what to do."
"How about, you make dinner with me every night. You don't have to serve it-I'll make an entirely different meal if necessary."
Sakura furrowed her brow. "I'm afraid I don't understand."
"Just trust me." Ami pressed.
Sakura sighed softly. "Okay."
"Now, let's get started."
...
Sakura buried her face in her arms as she sat at the bench. Ami had just finished cleaning up the mess from Sakura's cooking lesson, which hadn't gone too well.
"Don't worry, you're getting better with each lesson." Ami smiled. "Trust me. I'm not saying it to be nice."
Sakura sighed. "Yeah, I guess..."
"You work so hard, even to the point of exhaustion. It's great that you're trying so hard, but why are you going so far?"
Sakura sat up properly. "I just don't want to be useless."
Ami's eyes widened a little upon hearing Sakura's response. "I'm sure Lord Li doesn't think you're useless."
Sakura lowered her eyes to the bench. It seemed like running away was the only thing she was good at.
Sakura stood from her seat, "I'm going to go upstairs and lie down for a while. I'm not feeling so good."
Ami nodded. "Feel better soon."
She gave Ami a weak smile as she left, heading upstairs to do exactly what she had said she would. As she lay down on the bed, she sighed softly. She was so confused. She believed anything she did was terrible, and she could never be a good wife, but she still tried hard to prove that she wasn't terrible.
She wondered how Syaoran felt about her as a wife. Did he think she was terrible? She remembered back at the start of their relationship when they didn't get along, and a sharp stab of regret twisted her gut.
She had matured a lot ever since she married Syaoran. She was no longer the bratty, rebellious girl she once was, but she still stood up for what she believed in. She didn't agree with how women were treated, how they barely had any rights, but she didn't need to act so childishly about it. Part of Sakura wished she could have started her relationship with Syaoran on better grounds.
She paused.
There was no point in regretting her behaviour in the past. She and Syaoran were doing fine now. They both understood each other a lot better after everything they had gone through together. They both loved each other and trusted each other.
Sakura clenched her teeth. She knew that, and yet... she was still afraid. She was still afraid of what he thought of her.
And it frustrated her to the point of tears.
...
It was well and truly late by the time that Syaoran finished writing his findings down. He and the other doctors had been discussing some of the research findings and how they might be able to further develop them, so he was late in writing up his findings as a document.
But... he still wasn't completely finished. He just hoped he could make it to dinner the coming day. He didn't want to disappoint Sakura by not being able to make it to dinner.
"Guess I'll be here all night..." he sighed.
Without further ado, Syaoran moved on to his next task.
Sakura woke the next morning to find the bed empty beside her, completely untouched from the night before. She frowned, wondering if that meant Syaoran hadn't even come home. She got up and dressed herself, leaving the room in search for a maid to ask.
She spotted one of the maids up ahead, cleaning the large glass windows. They looked over as Sakura approached and bowed.
"Good morning, My Lady."
"Good morning." Sakura replied with a small smile, "Do you know if Syaoran came home last night?"
The maid shook her head, "I'm sorry, My Lady, but I have not seen him."
Sakura sighed softly. "Thank you. I thought as much."
The maid bowed again and returned to her work. Sakura nibbled her lip with worry. She hoped he was okay.
Later that afternoon, Tomoyo and Eriol arrived for a visit with a bouquet of wild cherry blossoms for Sakura. They couldn't stay for long, however, since Tomoyo was rather unwell, but Sakura really appreciated the thought. She appreciated that even though her sister was not feeling well, she had still made the effort to come and see her.
But, as it got closer to dinner time, Sakura worried that Syaoran wouldn't be home in time to take her out like he had promised. She smiled a little sadly to herself. It would have to wait for another day after all.
...
By the time Syaoran got through the door, it was nearly midnight. Not only had he broken his promise to take her out for dinner, but he had also missed her birthday. It was her first birthday with him and without her mother. He knew Tomoyo would likely have visited Sakura, but that was beside the point. He didn't know what he could do to make it up to her.
He walked straight to the bedroom, expecting that Sakura might have already gone to bed, but when he opened the door, he found the room empty. Wondering if she was still in the lounge, he decided to check there next. But she wasn't there either.
He started to feel fear climb up his throat and checked the last place he could think of where she might be.
Sure enough, sitting in her usual seat at the dining table was Sakura. He hesitated, feeling like he shouldn't bother her. He sighed softly and walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders.
"I'm sorry." He whispered.
Syaoran was surprised when he felt her hands on his. He looked up and pulled back as she moved to stand. He fully expected her to leave, but instead she wrapped her arms around him.
"Is everything okay at work?" she asked quietly as she rested her head against his chest.
His breath caught in his throat. He hadn't expected her to ask that. "Actually...one of the children in the trial... they died."
Sakura sighed gently. "I thought something like that might have happened."
"Sakura, I..."
"It's okay. I understand."
He gently cupped her cheek and leant his forehead against hers. He knew that what had happened at the hospital was out of his control, but he still felt badly about missing her birthday.
After a moment, Sakura gently pulled back and smiled up at him. "You must be exhausted. Come on, let's get to bed." She tugged his hand and he followed her to their room in silence.
She released his hand and she was headed over to the drawers when Syaoran grabbed her and pulled her back against him.
He squeezed her waist a little as he brushed his lips against the nape of her neck. Sakura shivered pleasantly beneath his caress and turned to catch his lips with hers. He held her tightly against his frame and as they parted, amber met emerald.
Syaoran cupped her cheek gently and brushed his lips against her other cheek in the softest of kisses before returning to her lips. He licked her bottom lip in plea for entry and she immediately parted for him; his tongue slid past her lips and enticed her tongue to dance with his.
Sakura moaned quietly into their kiss, making Syaoran feel satisfaction in knowing he could make her feel good.
Timidly, she lifted her hands to undo the buttons of his vest and slid it from his shoulders before untying his tie.
She moved to start on the buttons on his shirt, but he stopped her by unlacing her corset with practiced ease, casting it to the side and then pulled her dress off over her head before they both stumbled over to the bed.
Sakura fell back into the sheets with Syaoran nestled between her legs-his lips found hers again in a passionate kiss, and they were forced to part again as he pulled her sheer underdress off over her head.
Sakura blushed as she felt the burn of his gaze over her bare skin and she shivered a little.
"Syaoran..." his name escaped her lips and he smiled softly.
"I love you," he murmured as he nuzzled her cheek gently.
Sakura felt a shy smile grace her lips as he showered her with soft kisses, trailing down her neck and over her collar bone to her chest.
She gasped as his lips lavished attention over her breast, while he pleased the other with his hand.
Heat erupted in her abdomen and spread through her body, a moan crawling up her throat.
"S-Syaoran..." she whimpered, threading her fingers through his hair as she arched her neck.
He kissed his way up to her lips, capturing them with his once more as he easily slid her underwear down her legs; Sakura snaked her fingers beneath his shirt to feel his warm skin, and then moved to finish unbuttoning it and discarded it on the floor.
He watched her expression as his fingers ghosted her inner thigh, making her shiver in anticipation. He parted her nether lips to find she was already wet, and her cheeks burned bright red.
Syaoran smiled, pleased, and he leant in to kiss her. He wanted to please her and make her feel good, to make her feel loved. He wanted her to know she was his world.
He pressed his thumb against her sensitive pearl as he slid two fingers into her core, receiving a whimper of pleasure from her. He stroked her walls, sending spikes of pleasure through her body and the heat in her abdomen spreading further. She could feel something tightening in her abdomen, similar to a coil winding tighter and tighter. With each stroke he brought her closer to the edge, until finally, the coil burst. Sakura felt everything seize, and Syaoran's strokes became slower.
She felt him remove his fingers and he pulled away for a minute; Sakura opened her eyes to meet Syaoran's gaze when she felt his weight back over her. She smiled lovingly at him and he kissed her softly as he stroked her cheek.
Sakura wrapped her arms around his shoulders as she felt the tip of his member at her entrance, and slowly he slid in.
Sakura had gotten used to the strange feeling, and it was no longer as painful as it once was. Syaoran started to move at a gentle, passionate pace and soon Sakura was feeling that fire in her abdomen again. She whimpered and mewled in bliss as the coil in her abdomen wound tighter and tighter with each thrust, until it burst. She cried out in ecstasy, her walls clamping down around his like a vice.
Syaoran nearly came, but he managed to hold himself back. He slowed as she gasped for air, her pink lips damp and parted. A thin sheen of sweat covered their skin making the air feel cool.
She moaned quietly as he sped up again, and then he shifted his hips slightly, striking something deep within her. She whimpered with each thrust, the coil back tighter than ever, and it was almost unbearable.
Sakura cried out as it burst, her entire body seizing. Her muscles clamped down on his so hard it brought him over the edge. Something warm coated her womb, and he was careful not to crush her beneath his weight, his breath hot against her neck.
Syaoran collapsed on the bed beside her and pulled her close before pulling the blankets up over their sweaty bodies. Sakura tangled her legs with his as she pressed her body closer to him, and for a while they just lay there catching their breath.
"Syaoran?" Sakura murmured his name.
"Mm?"
"I love you. I really do." She said softly.
Syaoran cracked open his eyes to see she was smiling beautifully at him, and he smiled softly.
"I love you too."
"I..." Sakura started, but then she hesitated.
Syaoran tucked some hair behind her ear. "What is it?"
She blushed. "I'm glad you're home. I missed you."
Syaoran chuckled. "I missed you too." He replied softly, "And... I promise I'll take you out as soon as I get the chance. This time, I'll be sure work doesn't get in the way."
"Syaoran, it's okay, you don't have to..."
He placed a finger against her lips. "I want to."
Sakura looked surprised, and then she smiled. "I'd really love that."
...
Sakura stood at the door wearing a plain, silk ivory dress. As he had promised, Syaoran was taking her out for dinner. She was excited, and she smiled brightly when Syaoran joined her.
"You look lovely." He smiled softly as he leant in and kissed her cheek.
"Thank you," she blushed.
"Shall we?"
He held his arm out to her and she took it happily, and they made their way out to the carriage. Syaoran waited for her to get in before stepping in after her, and he sat down across from her.
"Have you heard much from Tomoyo?" he asked her.
Sakura shrugged, "She seems to be doing okay. She's been struggling with her morning sickness though."
"Hopefully it will settle." He murmured.
"I hope so as well. Mother said she'd had a rough pregnancy with both of us. I hope Tomoyo doesn't have the same problem."
"Eriol will make sure she gets the care she needs." Syaoran reassured her.
Sakura smiled. "I know."
"By the way-what you made for dinner last night was really nice. You should make it again sometime." He added casually.
Sakura stared at him with surprise. "But-Ami..."
"She told me you cooked." He replied, "You didn't?"
"I did-well, I cooked with Ami..." she stumbled over her words, flustered. "She told me she already had dinner prepared...I was just supposed to practice with her..."
Syaoran felt a smile tug at his lips. Ami had filled him in on her plan, one that he knew needed to be carried out carefully or else it would shatter Sakura's confidence entirely.
He wanted her to gain back the confidence and build her self-esteem that Dimitri had stripped away from her. He wanted her to, in a way, completely defeat him at his own game. It would be the ultimate payback.
"What are you thinking?" Sakura asked curiously.
"Oh, nothing really." He laughed softly, making her roll her eyes.
"Okay, mister mysterious."
Syaoran laughed again.
They arrived at a restaurant that was decorated with golden chandeliers and plush, red carpet. The tables were all set with silver and ivory tablecloths, with a crystal vase with white orchids in it placed in the centre of the table.
Syaoran and Sakura were directed to their table and seated. The menus were already on the table, waiting for them.
"Can I offer you any drinks, my lord?" The waiter asked.
"A bottle of a sweet red would be nice, thank you." Syaoran answered.
The waiter bowed and then left the pair alone. Sakura smiled as she looked around the beautiful restaurant. Even the architecture had intricate designs.
"This place is stunning." She smiled.
"It's a favourite of mine." Syaoran confessed.
"I look forward to trying their cuisine." Sakura said, still smiling.
He returned her smile as he picked up the menu and she did the same.
She wasn't surprised to see lists of elaborate dishes to suit the elaborate restaurant. Some of the meals offered seemed rather strange to Sakura, but she spotted a few things she might like.
Syaoran watched her curiously as she investigated the menu, and when he thought she might catch him, he returned to looking at his own menu.
"Syaoran, what would you recommend?" Sakura suddenly asked.
He looked up. "That's a tough question."
Sakura smiled. "Oh really?"
Syaoran smiled at her and she sighed.
"I guess I'll just have to pick one."
He laughed.
The waiter appeared carrying a bottle of red wine and two wine glasses. He placed them on the table and proceeded to pour their drinks.
"Are you ready to order?" he asked.
Sakura panicked and rattled off the first thing she'd been staring at, while Syaoran remained perfectly calm. The waiter left to process their orders, and Sakura groaned.
"I can't believe I panicked."
"What happened there?" Syaoran asked curiously.
"I don't know. Suddenly my mind just went blank, then I said the first thing to pop into my head." She mumbled.
"How often did you used to be able to go out to a restaurant when you were living with your mother?" he asked.
"Not very often. Mother said it was a waste of money since we could just cook for our own meals." Sakura replied.
He hummed in understanding.
Sakura stood, "I'll be back in a moment. I need to use the ladies room."
Syaoran nodded and she left the table, headed for the toilets. On her way, however, she bumped into the one person she didn't want to see.
Sid smiled upon seeing her. "Oh, I didn't know you liked to come here."
"My husband wanted to take me out for dinner. It's sort of a late birthday present." Sakura replied stiffly.
His face fell. "Oh. How nice of him."
"If you'd please excuse me." Sakura tried to push her way around him, but he stood in front of her, blocking her way. She ground her teeth. All she wanted was to use the bathroom.
"Wait," he said, "Your birthday was recent?"
"It was two days ago." She replied, becoming impatient.
"Oh-I should get you something, then."
"That's really not necessary." Sakura replied.
"I insist."
Sakura was really starting to become agitated now. "No, really. Can you please let me through, I really have to use the bathroom."
His eyes widened in surprise. "Oh. Sure."
Sakura hurried past and straight into the ladies before releasing a very frustrated groan. Why did he insist on doing unnecessary things for her? It wasn't your typical I'm-being-nice, for who bought a birthday gift for a complete stranger? Shaking her head, Sakura relieved herself and then poked her head out the door, checking to make sure Sid wasn't anywhere to be seen. Then, she hurried back to the table where Syaoran was waiting.
"Was that Sid?" he asked.
"Yes." She muttered. "If he kept me any longer, I'm afraid I might have made a mess."
Syaoran laughed. "Oh, that would have been unfortunate. What did he want, anyway?"
Sakura shook her head. "He wants to get me a birthday present. I told him not to."
"You've been pretty good at dodging him." Syaoran pointed out.
She nodded, "I'm starting to wonder if he followed me here…"
Syaoran looked disturbed. "Should I have this taken care of, Sakura?"
"I'd like to take care of this on my own, if you'd allow me to." Sakura replied quietly.
He looked unsure, but he trusted her. "Alright. Just…don't get yourself hurt, okay?"
Sakura smiled, "I'll be careful, I promise. And…If it gets to a point where I can't deal with it on my own, is it okay if I…?"
"Please come to me if you have any issues. I trust you." He replied.
She smiled at him with relief and love in her eyes. "Thank you, Syaoran."
I'll try and remember to update the next chapter soon :) I hope this gave some more insight on Sakura's feelings about herself and the world. I wanted to try and convey how frustrating the mind can be when battling things like Anxiety and Depression. In my personal experience, I know that sometimes my thoughts and anxiety contradict. Its weird, and it might not make sense, but its a reality that is so frustrating I want to scream some days.