"And I'd like to think if I needed someone to talk to, you would be there for me. You'd be there, right?"
Kakashi Hatake had never been one to voluntarily share his feelings with others. Not as a child, and especially not as a grown man. Shinobi were bred to show no emotion. He learned early.
Believing Obito to be dead, he was forced to deal with grief in the only way he knew how. Burying feelings under a blanket of intense remorse and doubt. He mourned and mourned alone, not confiding in Rin like he maybe should have. He hadn't trusted her to understand.
"Rin, if you ever need to talk.. you can come to any one of us. We know this must be so hard on you."
Her? Her. Right, only her.
Everyone felt so badly for Rin. Why was her loss so much more devastating compared to his? Nobody asked how he was doing, excluding Minato. They didn't ask because they didn't care. Not that he was looking for more pitying stares. He was already an orphan with a pretty sad life. Already with nothing to show. Cling to your pride.
He and Obito weren't close, but they were trying to get along at last. They could have been good friends in time. And if it weren't for Rin, he might still have a friend named Obito Uchiha. She might be dead, but he would at least be alive.. They weren't a team any more.
Did she even reciprocate the Uchiha's feelings? She couldn't have. It would've been wrong of him to look at her as anything other than a teammate. She was his friend's girl. Ideally, anyways. He so obviously wanted her.
But Kakashi agreed to watch over her, to not let anything happen. If it were possible to take back that promise, he would actually think about it.
Going over each scenario at least a thousand times, he knew how morbid it was to feel that sort of way. Wishing her dead before Obito. Blaming somebody else was easier than blaming himself. It was tough to handle guilt alone.
Unprepared to get blindsided by the fact he wouldn't even have a friend named Rin Nohara soon after that vow. And it was undoubtedly his own fault. There was no one to blame. A whole team killed off by cruel fate, each death bringing him closer to the edge and tearing his consciousness to shreds.
So he lived labeled as a murderer for a while, which could not openly be disputed.
Kakashi glanced down at the carefully-scripted writing that was the final draft of his speech. Crumpled and smeared from his edits and unsteady hand. A line caught his eye.
'Accepting this position must be a blessing in disguise, for I have never once doubted the loyalty and love I've always felt toward the Hidden Leaf. It's been an honor to serve. The walls have done more than keep me safe. Given me a place to call home. The structure here and people of this village have gotten me through dark times'.
He considered revising or cutting the last sentence entirely, because his past shouldn't have a chance to mar the future.
Anko was right; he had skills of a mediocre writer at best. It should be kept short, and he could skip the important parts because everybody already knew them. It deserved more creative talent and thought, to tell the truth. Kakashi ran low on those things as he aged.
He would probably only hold office a few years, up until Naruto grew ready to fill big shoes.
Nevertheless, the role would still weigh heavy on his shoulders. Burdensome. He was nothing in greatness if you knew Minato Namikaze.
He stood toward the back of the very classroom he used to study in. He should've been helping Iruka get things ready for next semester, getting everything situated so he could prep them for the next Exams. Other Jōnin moved about, but they didn't look too hurried. In reality, Kakashi was just lounging around when nobody was paying attention. He didn't feel like doing work.
He pretended to rummage through desks when somebody watched him, finding weapons that should have been confiscated and other meaningless junk. Something sharp jutted out behind a bookshelf coated in dust, curiosity prompting him to reach over and grab its corner.
Shuriken acted as poor handles for hanging laminated pictures that dated back to his childhood. They were half-brown with filth, a collage made using an album by someone who had too much time on their hands. It obviously wasn't made recently.
It took a second for his eyes to scan over the plethora of snapshots, and when he recognized his team picture amongst others, it was like being stabbed. A harsh reminder of years long lost. He usually kept the original copy face down in his bedroom. Seeing it where he used to regularly attend..
It was hard to look away. They all smiled back gleefully, except for him. They were happy, hopeful, so ready to dive head-first into a new life. He couldn't remember being quite as excited. He couldn't fake reactions, even back then. He thought of what life would be like with them still around.
Kakashi knew somebody watched him. Looked over his shoulder to see it was only her. She actually stayed busy, wiping sweat from her brow before noticing him. Like he was trying to blend in with the wall.
"I see you over there being lazy. Quit acting."
He lowered the collage out of view, unable to counter. "I found something interesting."
"Really, what?" Anko leaned in pushily, laying it on the table so they could both see better. "Aww, I wonder who made this."
"Mhm..."
She laughed at some of the lighthearted ones, like of funny group poses or getting caught in the middle of playing stupid games they made up. "Oh my God, this is making me feel so old."
His eyes couldn't focus on anything other than his old team photo. He had seen it a million times before, it just seemed different. Anko stared at what he stared at once she realized why he wasn't responding.
"I remember chasing Obito around the schoolyard with a snake," She smiled nostalgically, "after he said the Fourth was a better teacher than Orochimaru. Man, he screamed like such a girl."
"I had to rough him up a few times for telling Rin I played like a guy."
Kakashi flinched away, unpleasant flashbacks flooding his mind.
Anko frowned, ignorance in realizing how uncomfortable he was discussing their memory. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"You miss them, yeah. I get it," She pulled the wedged shuriken out with her fingers. Between the two, if loss was equal to wealth, they'd be rich. Death was taught to be accepted. Things got worse. Friends began to die off, family members weren't alive, change was frequent, a new and improved generation took their place. It hurt, but shinobi were supposed to be strong.
He said nothing for a while, finally breaking the painfully locked gaze. "Missing them won't bring them back."
"I wish it could," She set it up in its rightful place hesitantly, "I miss a lot of people. I miss the Third. I miss the way I used to have someone to look up to."
Kakashi felt his breathing get a little quicker, suppressing the urge to lash out at nothing. So many years had passed, yet he was still so angry. It was unfair to lose everyone considered close to you in a short, compact period of time. After a while, the numbness became a welcomed feeling.
"I know what it's like to lose a team," Anko briefly thought of the high points during her training with Orochimaru. When she remembered being genuinely happy. "I wouldn't care if he died today."
Ironically, they comprised a tougher portion of the Hidden Leaf. And there they were damning old despair and long-gone tragedy.
Even though it became apparent how he outright refused to show any emotion, Anko found it more difficult to continue. She hated the fact that she had to mentally admit she missed the past. To take her own advice. She would not cry in front of anyone. No, never.
"We'll be fine," Kakashi consoled, uncharacteristically cupping his hand over hers.
"I'm sorry.. I... don't know if I can go through with this. You're like my best friend, so.. You know. I don't want to disappoint you or anything. I wish you nothing but happiness."
"I understand. I'm not trying to upset you."
"Just shut up, okay! I can't believe how far we've come together. I'll never forget this day. You have to promise me, though..."
"I'm listening."
"Things won't change between us. If I lost you, I don't know how I'd go on. Our relationship will not die no matter what!"
"I promise."
"Oh, Kakashi! You have my blessing!"
Roughly pulled into a choking embrace, he couldn't help but laugh awkwardly. What a moment.
"Forgive me if I must cry during your speech. I can't believe this is happening! You are the brother I always wanted! I'm going to miss you, that's all!" Gai cried passionately, sobbing onto his friend's shoulder.
"Relax, Gai," He stiffened at the intimate contact. "It's not as if I'm dying."
"Real men are comfortable showing their emotions!"
"I know, I know," Kakashi felt a small grin pull at his lips, silently proud of the unlikely friendship he had found with Gai.
"You're nervous, aren't you."
"Real giveaway, huh," He sighed, leaning against the rail of the Hokage Tower.
Gai knew him too well. "You'll do great! We're all here to back you up if you need it! With the power of youth-"
"Anything is possible," He cut him off rudely. "you've told me. However, I'm afraid I'm no longer that youthful."
"Nonsense! You were absolutely made for this position, Kakashi!"
He did a sweeping analysis of the village below. That couldn't be. Because sometimes, he just didn't see it.