Chapter Two; Fiducia

Fiducia. Noun. 1. Courage 2. Faith, reliance 3. Trust

It took some time for him to even speak to the humans, and even longer before he allowed a visitor. As the door opened he backed away to the furthest corner of the room, his shoulders pressed to the wall, watching guardedly as Troi entered his quarters. She glanced around until her dark eyes met his. She smiled softly and greeted him, and the door slid shut behind her as she moved into the room. And then, to his astonishment, she ignored him.

He watched warily as she moved around the room, tidying and putting right, and then turned her back on him to go to the replicator and make herself a drink. She had her back to him! He shuddered. Did she not realize how dangerous he was, how easy it would be for him to attack? He heard the small soft sound of the atoms arranging themselves into molecules, and the smell of chocolate reached him as she lifted the steaming mug and blew the vapour from the surface of the drink. She looked at him again and smiled as she drifted across the room to sit on what was left of his cannibalised couch. She sat and sipped and leafed through a book that he had torn the cover off. The silence was beginning to grate on his nerves.

"Are you not afraid of me?" He blurted. She didn't look up as she spoke.

"Not really. I know you're strong, and fast, and I also know that you're frightened and angry. But I can tell that you don't want to harm me. And I trust you." She idly flipped the page, and it fell out of the broken spine into her lap.

"How can you trust me, when I do not trust myself?" He whispered harshly. She lifted the loose page with her slim fingers, and tucked it back into the ruined book.

"Because I know you, even when you don't know yourself. We've been friends for such a long time. And I remember everything that you've done for me, and how kind and gentle you are. I know you care about your friends, and we care about you."

"I am finding it hard to believe." He took a breath. "How can I learn how to trust again?"

She looked up at him then, and smiled softly as she put the damaged novel down on the floor. She patted the sofa, inviting him to sit with her. He wanted to, so much. He wanted to sit and talk, to lean his head on her shoulder and cry, to allow her to soothe his ragged nerves. He wanted to trust her. He shook his head. She nodded sympathetically.

"I appreciate how difficult a decision it was for you to allow me to come into your quarters, and I'm very proud of you. It's a big step. You're very brave. That's one of the things that I've always admired you for, your courage. And I know that trusting is hard, perhaps the hardest decision for a being to make, to allow themselves to be vulnerable. I think that the reason that you're so angry is because you have been vulnerable, and it hurt you. You spent a long time not being able to defend yourself, and now that you can, you're using your anger to protect yourself. It's more than understandable."

Spot crept over to her and rubbed her legs, claiming her. Deanna looked down at the cat fondly, and Spot rumbled a reluctant purr before strutting to her food bowl. Deanna looked up and around the room again before looking at the android.

"Trust cannot be forced, it can only be earned. I hope that you will come to believe that you can trust me. Will you come and sit? It would mean a lot to me."

"How can I forget what you have done to me?" He murmured. She sensed the change in his emotions as his thought processes shifted, his memories crowding in, the hurt and anger and fear.

"Not me, Data." She shook her dark curls slowly. "I think that you are dwelling too much on your negative memories. Will you do something for me? Think back, and remember a time when I, personally, betrayed you, or deceived you. A time when I was cruel, or lied. Can you remember?"

"No." He whispered.

"I have nothing but love for you, Data. You are one of my dearest friends. And I wish that you could sense my feelings as I sense yours, so that I could share that with you. You have worried in the past that your brother's actions would tarnish you, and you went to great lengths to prove that, although you were both androids, you were very different people. I know that organic beings have done terrible things to you, but we are not all the same, we are all different people. And right now, everyone around you cares very deeply for you."

"I know." He said quietly. "I do know it. And... I care also. But... I cannot trust. Why?"

"That's what we're going to figure out, together. I have no doubt that it's going to take some time, but it doesn't matter how long it takes, we're all here for you. As I told Geordi, we can't expect you to recover from such an ordeal overnight."

Data shivered. "Is Geordi... does he... hate me?"

Deanna leaned back, cradling the mug in her hands. "No, he doesn't hate you. He was angry, and scared, but he doesn't hate you. None of us do."

Data stepped towards her. "I hurt him. I did not mean to, it was unintentional. Does he understand that?"

"Of course he does. He knows that you're very much afraid, and that your fear is what is making you lash out. I told him not to visit you until I said you were ready. I hope you don't mind me telling him to stay away."

Data swallowed and looked away. "It is... understandable. But, I miss him, and the closeness that we had... before. Why does he not believe that I can still love him?"

She sighed. "These are... complicated questions. There are a lot of things about your case that make things very difficult for me to untangle, and Geordi is finding it hard to come to terms with what you've told him." Her dark eyes locked with his, and he moved another step towards her. She smiled.

"Data, I would like for you to tell me everything you can, so that I can understand things from your perspective. I am happy to act as a mediator between you and Geordi, until you feel ready to see him again. Would that be acceptable?"

"Yes." He whispered.

"I am so proud of you, you're being so brave. I know how frightened you are, and I understand. But I hope you believe that I mean you no harm, I have no ulterior motive. I just want to talk."

He stood looking down on her for a long moment, before cautiously seating himself next to her, his eyes locked on hers, watching intently for any sudden or suspicious movement. All she did was smile. His hands shook where he had rested them on his knees, and suddenly he found tears running down his face. Weakness, vulnerability. He swallowed hard, clenching his hands into fists as he turned away from her to try and hide his face and stop the flow of bitter tears, but it was as if a dam had burst and he couldn't stop, now that he had allowed himself to let go. She didn't move, didn't raise her hands, just sat perfectly still as he cried silently, his shoulders shaking with his stifled sobs. He looked up at her, his face twisted with anguish.

"Help me." He gasped, and he reached out his hands to her. She took them in her own, holding them tightly.

"That's why I'm here." She murmured, smoothing her thumbs over the back of his trembling hands. "It's going to be all right."

He lurched forward and thumped his forehead into her shoulder, his arms jerking out to gather her close. She wrapped her arms around him in turn, stroking his hair and swaying him, letting him lean against her and find a measure of comfort in the release of his tension. His emotional state was still confusing for her to pick through, but she felt his mind clear somewhat, the fear and anger receding, to be replaced by... something she had not anticipated.

"Data..." She murmured, and suddenly his lips were on hers, stealing her breath. She had never kissed him before, and was shocked to discover how soft and warm his mouth was. She stayed very still, neither reciprocating nor drawing away. She felt his fingers tighten in the fabric of her dress, his body shifting towards her. She raised her hands between their bodies and pushed gently on his chest, encouraging him to move back. He was breathing hard, his cheeks still stained with yellow-gold tears.

"Data, I need you to try and think very clearly. This is not what you really want."

"I trust you. I want to prove myself to you. Let me love you."

"No, Data. That's... not necessary. It's quite common for victims of sexual abuse to think that intimacy has to involve sex, but that's not the case. I do trust you, and I believe that you trust me. I want to be your friend."

His eyes flicked rapidly from side to side, and he slowly released her from his embrace. She took his hands again, reassuring.

"I think that your experiences have colored the way you think about relationships. I believe that, in your head, trust and love and sex have all tangled up, and I understand. I want you to know that the way you feel is normal under the circumstances. But trust can exist without love, and love can exist without intimacy. It's something we can talk through, together."

"I understand." She felt the guilt and shame wash through him. "I am so sorry."

"It's quite alright." She smiled softly. "It's strange for me to be able to be so forthright with a client, but I appreciate how analytical you are. I want to give you as much information about what you're experiencing as I can, so that you can understand that what you're feeling is normal. You are coping extremely well. You are not broken, you are not to blame. It's not your fault."

"But I am to blame!" He blurted. "I caused the deaths of five people! My career is over!"

"You are not to blame for their deaths. You had no way of knowing that they wouldn't live, you had every intention that they would survive, and you were escaping from a terrible situation. As for your career... It's not over. Just... on hold." She gripped his hands tightly. "Until you get better."

"I will never be respected. Not after the way that I have behaved."

"We all have immense respect for you. And we don't blame you for your actions. You were under duress, you were unwell, and we understand that. No-one is blaming you."

"I blame myself." He murmured, looking away. She squeezed his hands again.

"I know, and that too is normal. But, as you recover, we can work through these thoughts."

"I have ruined my relationship with Geordi."

"Not necessarily. He is finding it hard to come to terms with things. But he loves you very much. I think that his love for you may win out against his anxieties."

Data frowned, swung his head towards her. "He is anxious? About me?"

"Of course. He cares about you, so he wants you to be happy. But you will have to talk things over with him, to reassure him, in time. When you're ready."

"I want to see him. Now."

She shook her head sadly. "I'm not sure that's a good idea. I'd like to focus on you and your recovery first."

Data nodded, crestfallen. "I understand."

"Good, I'm glad, and I'm very proud of you, you're doing so well." She patted his hand and stood slowly, moving to put her mug back into the replicator and get herself another hot chocolate. She seated herself back on the couch, and he began to talk.