A/N: I. RETURN! Despite my hellacious overtime and a lengthy, unintentional hiatus, I've managed to drop everything for a few hours to update a few more of my stories. That, and to play Dragon Age again, thus rekindling my love for the genre and this ficlet. Things get a bit...dicey in this chapter, so I'll be upgrading the status to M. Fanfiction's witchunt is over, so it should be alright...I hope.
Now, let us continue on with Keeper of my Heart! Also, I'm totally enjoying playing Dragon Age Inquistion! SO! MANY! IDEAS! Although its a right bugger transferring my saved games with that bollocks of a Keep. Why couldn't they make the damned thing simple?!
By Andraste, it annoys the piss out of me...but hopefully this chapter will make ya'll smile. I worked really hard to capture everyone's personality here and I've had a FIELD DAY with our dear little Inquisitor and Cassandra. Varric as well! Also! Prepare to laugh and...
...enjoy! Of course, there's plent of snarky Naruto humor! There's quite a bit! And as an addendum, by popular vote, this is now a harem! And as such, a few alterations have been made, and someone shows up just a wee bit earlier than usual...now...
...I BRING YOU THE RETURN OF THE DAWN WILL COME! And remember...
...Naruto is an incorrigible TROUBLEMAKER in this! He's gonna get into all kinds of trouble!
"Nope. With a heaping helping of nope. Extra nope! Also...
"Also?"
...moustaaaaaaaaache."
"Where did that even come from?"
"And I thought I was loopy!"
~ Naruto and co.!
Breeches
It all started with two.
Herah, the wandering Sarebas. An exile among her own kind, a powerful mage who owed allegiance to no one but herself before the Conclave. And the other, Naruto, an assassin who claimed to be from another world-a being of such skill and power that I sometimes wonder why he didn't simply claim it for himself. He certainly possessed the means in the beginning, and the will to do so. So too did Herah; she held no love for the world and the people who had rejected her, she could have scorched us all to ash in the blink of an eye and been done with it.
Yet instead of the villains we feared they might be, in spite of all the fights, arguments and pranks, they surprised us.
In a way, I suppose you could say the fooled us all, deceived us until the very end.
I once thought chance bound them together, and all who followed them.
In these days hence, I have since discarded such a fool notion.
After all I have seen, it could be nothing less than fate.
They destroyed legions and made the world anew.
Jesters they were, but heroes they became.
Her, I called sister, and him, husband.
Savior of us all...
...and father of my child.
"Oh fuck aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalll the way off! Every which way! EVERY SINGLE WAY!"
Herah couldn't help but chuckle as Naruto spun this way and that, looking aghast in his new set of armor. His face was a lovely shade of red she thought, even moreso than when she'd stolen that kiss back at the rift. It lifted the qunari's spirits somewhat, to see that even one such as him could be rattled under the right conditions. He hadn't batted an eyelash when the Inquisition was formed-once the common folk started calling them "Herald", hadn't even so much as twitched when faced with Chantry politics and hubris.
But this? Somehow, this had gotten under his collar.
Indeed, the once jolly jester of a shinobi looked all of three seconds from storming over to the smith and tearing him a new one for this inflicting this embarrassment upon him. Haven wasn't a place one wanted to rouse a ruckus, but that seemed to be the blond's intention. A few of Cassandra's men had tried to asuage the enraged rogue, she'd heard.
Judging by the litany of swears, they'd done a rather piss poor job of it.
"I think you look rather fetching," she hummed, watching him pace in the heavy armor, clanking horridly with each step. "Very...intimidating."
"I dunno," Harding tried to hold her tongue, she really did, but the opportunity was simply too ripe to ignore. "I like lightly armored men myself."
"Why?" Varric slipped in, grinning.
Her dark eyes twinkled mischievously. "Less to remove."
Naruto sputtered in disbelief and flung up his hands. "Traitors, the lot of you! flirting ain't going to distract me!"
The storyteller snickered. "So...I'm guessing he's doesn't want to fall on the enemy?"
"You, be quiet. And as for you!"
He spun on her with a clank, eye twitching.
"I look like a right and proper idiot, that's what!" he groused! "Ninja do not wear..." a hand waved wildly, "Whatever this is!"
Someone, perhaps in a misguided attempt to aid their one of their newly deemed "Herald's", had burned Naruto's old clothes and attire, replacing them with brand new vestments and a gleaming set of silverite heavy plate. Needless to say, the ninja wasn't too pleased by this. He fought best in light armor and favored stealth, seldom brute force. And when he did, he preferred to strike hard and fast, gone before anyone noticed. It seemed to take almost a physical effort for him merely to move in such massive armor.
"You mean to tell me, that despite everything going to hell, despite the GAPING HOLE IN THE SKY, mages and templars still want to blame one another for their own faults?!"
"Pretty much, blondie."
"Well, I'm ready to kick both their asses if that's what it takes to get us out of this mess."
"No offense," Varric interjected, "But your last parlor trick didn't do jack squat against that Pride Demon. And you're not exactly the most agile at the moment...
A muscle jumped in "blondie's" jaw.
"For your information, I was still recovering until recently. Now? See this?" A gauntleted finger pointed, the tiniest of Rasengan igniting at its tip with a small hiss of angry noise. "Watch." With a grunt he thrust it down and blasted a portion of the ground to rubble, rendering it so much a crater. "That's what I can do, without trying, thank-you-very-much. Amazing what a few days of sleep and a bit of senjutsu can do for ya."
Varric scoffed.
"Well, any mage can do that-
Twitching, Naruto pointed an open hand at the frozen lake below the compound. That was all he did. Point an arm and stand there.
And in the next instant a massive Rasenshuriken shrieked into existence and tore the icy tundra apart. Chunks of ice blew in every direction, the water itself cannoning upward in a great, explosive geyser. As the chaos died down, the blond aimed a small, snarky smile at his ally.
"Well?"
...I stand corrected."
"That does it! This shit'll slow me down!" he exclaimed, tearing himself free. "I can't wear this!"
"W-What're you doing?!"
Now it was Lace's turn to sputter as the whiskered warrior publicly disrobed, leaving him clad in little more than his small clothes. Herah received a fleeting glimpse of a scarred chest and a discolored arm, suddenly well and painfully aware of the burning flush at the base of her horns.
"That asshole better make something proper for me this time!"
Before anyone could protest Naruto stormed off toward the smith to procure a better set.
(Some hours later...)
"Aaaaaaand that's why Naruto walked around the camp naked." Hera finished with a resigned sigh.
Cassandra groaned, her hands spread eagled across the war-table. Anyone who knew the Seeker well enough could see she was on the verge of having a small anyeursm. Reports claimed that the blond had trussed up the one sorry sod who'd dared to laugh at him in his small clothes-which didn't exactly improve his image as one of the two "Heralds" who were meant to save the world.
"Herald of Andraste indeed!"
"He'd better not be getting drunk again." Cullen could only mutter crossly.
"And where is he now?" Lelianna dared to inquire, not quite able to restrain a grimace. "Has Harding found him yet? It would be remiss of us to start without him?"
Of all their advisors and councilors, it seemed only Josephine was capable of keeping a level head.
"He would not simply leave," she insisted. "Perhaps he simply went to acquire a new-
Before she could finish, the door swung open and the man of the hour waltzed in, with Harding not far behind.
"I'm back, bitches!"
In place he looked resplendent in dark blue leather armor, vambraces and pauldrons all, slung over a dark, verdant green tunic. A pair of long, obsidian daggers lay strapped to his back, their shine outweighed only by the freshly buffed boots. In short, he looked every bit the devilish rogue he claimed to be; he'd even managed-somehow-to procure what looked like a set of even smaller knives, jammed into a bandolier running from his shoulder to a hip.
"See?" Josephine preened.
Herah smiled.
"Better?"
"Much." the blond beamed, stretching. "See, now this is something I can wear. None of that heavy plate crap!"
"If you're quite done...?"
"Right, right," Naruto waved a leather glove. "Have at it. I'll just be standing here. Listening."
"Good." She huffed, turning to the map. "Now, as you can see...
The moment she turned her head, so did he.
"So...that dragon bit," he muttered aside, risking a glance at her. "How the hell did you do that?"
"Isn't something I can do all that often," the sarebas confided with a charigned grin, hanging her head slightly. "At best, I can use it once a day or so, and even then, not for very long. I never quite mastered the art, so it requires a considerable bit of mana to use. I'm sure I'll get better at it with time...
"Oh, I get it. So like a secret, ultimate, one-off jutsu. Nice. I mean, if you could use it all the time, everything would be too easy."
"What about you?"
"Me?" the blond blinked. "Well, maybe Kurama and I could make a dragon. With chakra you know. Its a nice word. Chakra. Chaaaaaaakra.
"Naruto."
"Chakra."
...which brings us back to the Mage and Templar problem." Cullen was finishing just as the pair looked back. "Neither side will so much as look at the Inquisition at this point, and without influence of our own...
Naruto opened his mouth and emitted a jaw-popping yawn so overwhelmingly loud, it ensnared the attention of everyone at the war table. Shikamaru would have been proud, he thought to himself. It certainly stopped the bickering in its tracks. Herah gave him an odd look, her own reply frozen on her lips. At her deferential nod, he continued.
"Mages...Templars..." he drawled, still half-covering his mouth with a hand, "You keep talking about choosing one over the other. Why not both?"
"Both?" Cullen gawped.
Naruto nodded sagely.
"Both."
"Now...
Grinning, the blond turned toward Harding.
...tell me about this Val Royeaux."
...as it turned out, Val Royeaux was faaaaaar more interesting than Haven.
Stranger, too.
The strange fashion was alarming to look at, yet also infinitely amusing in the same vein. Dresses, masks, makeup! Harding insisted that no, they weren't trying to make fools of themselves, and yes, this really was how Orlesians dressed on a day to day basis. It only made him laugh even harder. He wasn't sure what he'd expected to find here in this foreign city but it wasn't this. No one bothered to remark at a young man and a dwarf walking together, and the few glances they did receive were dismissed easily enough.
A mask of his own helped, he supposed.
Wouldn't do for a Herald to be see causing such a ruckus...yet.
"So," he began, thoughtfully to Harding, dodging a train of shuffling skirts, "This place reminds me of...well, nothing, really. I can't believe people dress up like this everyday!" He cast a gaze around the square of the old white marble, and fought the urge to wretch at it all. "I mean, masks? Dresses Frilly accents with the constant use of "non?" everywhere? How in the hell are they supposed to fight?!"
"Well," Lace shrugged, a twinkle in her eye, "That's what happens when you stick a bunch of posh sods together. Everybody wants to throw a party."
"Maybe...hey.
"Yeah?"
Glittering blue eyes regarded her behind the slits of his fox mask.
"Wanna make a mess of 'em?"
She beamed.
"Thought you'd never ask."
No, he hadn't been expecting this.
Or the notes that followed.
And certainly not an arrow to the face, either!
Ah, and now at last, we come to the crux of our little tale...
...of how a herald met a certain rogue not so regale...
...pesky little wench...
Naruto saw the fireball coming and didn't even other to dodge.
And why bloody should he?!
Grunting he extended his hand, the flaming sphere extinguishing harmlessly against the mark on his hand, its embers burning quietly into the night. He tilted his head, smiling slightly for maximum effect as he waved at the singed fingers of his hand. The other rose, plucking the mask off his face, exposing his whiskered visage to the world.
"Now," the words were a hum, "That wasn't nice, mate. You ruined my glove."
He found himself facing a posh little prick of man, all dolled up in white and yellow finery. A gold-encrusted mask sheltered most of his face, but it did nothing to hide that god-awful accent that every Orlesian seemed to possess. He'd been expecting someone different, from the notes he'd found scattered around town. Not this...little primp of a man.
"Herald of Andraste!" the Orlesian hissed! "How much did you and your friend expend to discover me?! It must had weakened the Inquisition immeasurably!"
"Yeah, we have no idea who you are." Harding sighed.
Naruto found himself nodding, narrowly fighting back a chuckle.
"So, if we could just wrap this up...?"
"NON!" Another bolt of glittering fire found itself slapped away in contempt, carroming away of a braver and into the night. Harding yelped and scrambled away from the line of heat as the blond returned fire, spitting a wall of wind that nigh but obliterated the masked man's assault. As the buffoon stood there, his mouth agape like some kind of human frog, the ninja flicked a finger, and calmly hurled a kunai into his unarmored bicep the knife burying itself deep. Lace loosed an arrow of her own, the barbed projectile flying free and pinning him to the wall.
The little pig's startled squeal was part growl, part whimper.
"You...little...cretin!
Naruto sighed, pinching his nose. "Look, bub, I don't give a shit who you are. I'm looking for the girl who shot at me earlier. With an arrow, I might add!"
"You don't fool me! I'm too important for this to be an accident! My efforts will survive in victoreis against you elsewhere!"
"How can you survive if you're dead?"
In the next instant, only one of them heard the arrow being drawn.
Naruto tilted his head, catching sight of a bright shape in the corner of his vision.
"Just say what."
The Orlesian spun, balking.
"What is the-gah!"
"Ew!" An elf stepped into the field of his vision, her flaxen hair shading a roguish grin, dark eyes glittering like mad diamonds. "Squishy one, but you heard me, right? 'Just say what.' Rich tits always try for more than they deserve." Reaching down, she ripped the arrow from his throat, allowing him to catch sight of her brilliant, if outlandishly red and black, attire." Blah, blah, BLAH!" With a hum, she ripped it free, claiming her odd weapon happily. "Obey me! Arrow in my face!"
"Oh, I like her." Kurama hummed.
"So, you followed the notes well enough. Glad to see you're...
She paused, blinking. "Wow. You really do glow."
...glow?" Naruto finished, lowering a still glowering hand. "Yeah, I get that a lot."
"Well, I mean its all good, innit?" she beamed. "The important thing is: you glow! You're the herald thingy, right? One of 'em, I mean. No idea, I don't know this idiot from manners. My people just said the inquisition should look at him. Doesn't matter now, I suppose. His boy's haven't got any breeches!"
Naruto fought with every fiber of his being not to burst into apocalyptic laughter.
Vainly, his hands formed a tent over his mouth; succeeding only in muffling the words.
"You...took their breeches?"
"What
"Well, I would've taken the rest of their clothes, and those ugly masks...
Sera grinned cheekily.
"Oh, I like you! You're bonkers!"
A/N: Aaaaaand there we go. Naruto as another Herald/Inquisitor in addition to the original, if you will. Someone suggested I give it a go, and by Andraste, I hope I didn't dissapoint. If this Naruto seems a little snarkier than most, its because he's realized that his world is probably gone, lost, or forever ruined by his actions. That'd do a lot to mess with a guy's head, not to mention the fact that he's just realized he's ever known is now forever beyond his reach.
And woe to ye who mess with our favorite blond! And YES, the Warden will be making an appearance in this fic, unlike the game! God, that really annoyed me...
So...in the Immortal Words of Atlas...
...Review, Would You Kindly? It would make me oh so very happy to hear what you think of this story =D And of course, enjoy the preview! Its twofold! As in two separate scenes! HUMOR INBOUND!
(Preview!)
"Divide and conquer sounds about right to me."
"Dibs on the mages!" Naruto crowed.
Herah cast him a sidelong look.
The blond raised his hands.
"What," he protested, "I'd rather deal with lovely women in robes, not sweaty sods in armor thank-you-very-much! Besides," the ninja rolled a shoulder producing a sharp pop of twisting joints, "Lets face it. Mages are awesome. Most of 'em don't have a stick up their ass like the Temps. No offense, Cullen."
Their commander blanched. "None taken."
"So glad you put me in the 'lovely' category." Herah hummed.
"Anytime, love!"
"FLY YOU FOOLS!"
"I say, what-
WHAM!
The sudden explosion of sound and motion knocked Vivienne flat on her ass; the next she saw was Naruto and Serah's rapidly retreating hindquarters in the distance-the latter whooping hysterically. Not a moment later, she nearly found herself trampled by a rather enraged Cassandra. Murder glinted in those deep, hazel orbs as the Seeker shrieked:
"GIVE ME BACK MY BREECHES!"
R&R! =D