The Adventures of Team Charity Collectors - A Drawga fanfic
A Totally Random Tale

Chapter 1 – "Spring Break Business Offer"

(Key: "Quotes" "Thoughts" *Onomatopoeia/ Sounds* *DUNGEON MASTER VOICE/ DICE THROW* 'Spell Title')

Our story begins in the far off world called FantasyLand. This world, though quite medieval, draws many similarities to our own… albeit usually in the most comedic ways. With things like Hoofer drivers, McDemons, Thrall-Mart, and many others, it's a very whimsical and wonderful land of adventure. The heroes of our tale reside in the town of Fantasyville, the biggest settlement of FantasyLand, near the highest educational point around, Dungeons U. Classes had just let out for spring break and the gang was glad to be free of their studies at last.

"Man, it feels great to finally be able to relax after all that work. I'm beat!" The young Halfling Rogue, Darius, exclaimed as he and his friends walked through the town. He was instantly flicked in the temple by Evhanjah`Leen.
"You're not even enrolled at D.U." the Eladrin Fighter scoffed as she glared at him annoyed.
"No, but I do take some free night classes there every week. Lock picking isn't something you just pick up as you go."
"Quit your fighting, you two!" Mazikeen, the Tiefling Ranger, rolled her eyes as her two headed Hell Hound puppy, Devlin, scampered at her feet. "We're here to get our drank on, not hear you two argue!"
The large Half-Orc Cleric chuckled, "Let's just hope Old Baby Gus isn't serving warm milk again."
Devlin's right head perked up, yipping in a Spanish accent, "Si, Señor! Even we can't stomach that stuff." The left head barked at the other in a loud American accent. "You'll stomach what I say we can stomach, Maggot!"
"Ai Yai Yai! You're always so uptight, Lefty! Loosen up!"

The Charity Collectors gang entered The Hungry Goat Bar and Grill. The usual old Orcs glanced up from their Poker and Rexas Hold 'em game, but took no interest in the party. The bartender Old Baby Gus, an old man trapped in the body of an infant that lived in the bar with his caretaker named Carol, looked up from the glass he was cleaning and smiled. "Well, if it isn't the generous Team Charity Collectors. Still earning cash for the Magical Creature Shelter?"
"We always do, Gus, we always do." Maz gave a wink and a smile, her forked tongue flicking out between her teeth.
The old baby leaned his weight on the edge of the counter as the group lined the front of the bar. "Whelp, I can't let yawl off with free drinks, as Carol has been gittin on my case about it, but I can give yawl an adventurers' discount and put it on yer tab."
"In that case, I'll take my usual, one Chocolate Brandy Alexander please." Shump grinned.
"I'll have a Bloody Mary and bowl of coffee for Devlin." Maz bent down to pet the heads of her pup.
"Just get a mango and peach vodka on the rocks for me." Evhanjah`Leen said, her deadpan expression never moving.
Darius leaned with his back against the bar. "And I'll have a Cosmo, thanks."
The Eladrin rolled her eyes at him, "Really dude? A Cosmopolitan is like one of the top ten most girly drinks."
"Hey, they are fruity and refreshing… besides, it's not a girly as a Shirley Temple."
"Anyway…" Maz stepped between the two, her curvy horns causing them to back away from each other, "…just have our order brought to our usual booth, Gus."

"Yeah, about that…" Gus's look turned sour. "Your usual table has been taken today… by that lot." The gang looked towards the corner where they usually sit only to see a group of green skinned trolls wearing ragged black leather clothes. The bartender shuddered as he placed the drinks on the counter. "Them's part of the local motor-carriage gang, the Green Breeds. Nasty lot, they are. Last week, one nearly ran me over in my horseless stroller! Oh whaa, oh whaa I say!"
Darius sneered as he rolled his eyes. "I've heard of that gang. They have a similar branch up in Fictionton dubbed the Blue Breeds. They're all part of a much larger and more dangerous group called the Goblin Rascal Riders. Many branches carry and sell drugs for them. My cousin used to buy Magicjuana from a sleazebag named Scratch. Poor Thadius, if he couldn't get his hands on a joint, he'd smoke his NyanTabby's catnip!"
"Well, I wish you had mentioned that sooner." Leen calmly said as she ate the fruit skewer from her vodka. "Shump just walked over to do his nice guy thing."
The other friends turned to see the Half-orc heading towards the goblin filled table. "Oh not again, you trusting buffoon!" Maz sighed as she and the others grabbed their drinks and started after Shump. "You'd think he'd learned his lesson after the time those pixies tricked him with a fake lottery ticket!"
"Excuse me, Gentlemen." Shump smiled as the four looked up from their beer and cards. "Not sure if you dudes know, but this is our team's usual table and, if you don't mind, we'd like to sit here."
"Ha! Your table?" laughed the one with a long scar over the bridge of his nose. "I don't see your names on it anywhere, aye Butterbean?" He elbowed the walleyed one next to him who let out a hyena like laugh, his long tongue flopping about.
"Slash, BB shut up!" The largest snapped, his sharp teeth glistening as he turned his ripped ear to the tallest. "You want me to give this Mini-Orc something to cry about, Talon?"
The last one looked over Shump with one eye as his left was scratched blind. "Take it easy, Ripper. A naïve brat like this ain't worth our time. Now buzz off, kid. We ain't moving."
"Hey!" Darius yelled at the table of goblins. "How dare you talk to my friend like that!" The confrontation started attracting the attention of the rest of the bar, particularly a Dwarfish woman in miners' clothing sitting within clear view of the fight.
Ripper growled at the Halfling baring his sharp teeth, "You looking for a fight, Shrimp?"
"No, but I might be," Leen gave one of her rare smiles as she cracked her knuckles, fire burning in her eyes, "and that's a fight you're not likely to survive!" "You're all mine, Big Guy!"
Mazikeen snarled at the biker goblins. "Keh, I wasn't looking for a battle, but as you've just insulted my friends," her amber eyes began to glow with excitement, "BRING IT ON!"

*BATTLE ENGAGED! ROLLING INITIATIVE! MAZIKEEN ATTACKS FIRST! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 18 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: 10* The Tiefling Ranger whipped her tail around Talon's throat, yanking him over the table and slamming him to the floor. Getting over momentarily being stunned, the Biker Goblin leader quickly got up and drew his steel claws. "Get them, you idiots!" Talon charged for Maz with his claws in an attempt to slash her face up only to just knick the skin of her right horn as he tripped over Devlin, the two-headed hell hound pup snapping at his heels.
"Access denied, ya Green Maggot!" "Oye, el Cabrón! (Hey, you Asshole!) Nobody hurts our Maz!"
*DARIUS'S TURN! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 16 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: 15*
Darius equipped himself with his short swords as the rest of the goblins advanced from behind the table. Using an overturned chair to propel himself in a jump, the young Halfling flipped over the wall of enemies and plunged one of his blades into the back Slash's shoulder.
*EVHANJAH`LEEN'S TURN! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 16 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: NATURAL 20! INTENSE DAMAGE IS INFLICTED!*
As Slash howled in pain, Evhanjah`Leen advanced on Ripper with her long sword. Before the hard headed goblin could make a move with his iron gauntlets, the weapon pierced through his green hide and submerged deep into muscle, narrowly missing his lung. He dropped to the now bloody floor screaming and gasping for breath and as he looked back up at the Eladrin Fighter, he could the see fighting spirit in her eyes intensify. At this point, Slash had released himself from Darius's hold. Drawing his short dagger, he lunged at the Halfling. But Darius managed to live up to his Swiftfoot family name and dodged the assault with no more than a scratch to the cheek.
Meanwhile, Butterbean finally realised the situation and stood before Shump. The derpy goblin pulled out a small box with a crank which he began to turn. Suddenly, a large boxing glove on a spring burst out of the box and slammed against the Half-Orc's chest. Fortunately, the force was only enough to cause him to take a single step back. The Cleric dusted off his pecs, took the giant war hammer, TwoSides, from his back and gave BB a 'you're gonna get it now' smirk.
Ripper had now collected himself as much as he could with his wound. Shielding the gash with one arm, he made like he was getting up only to drive the retractable spike on his gauntlet into Leen's ankle before scrambling backwards and away from her fists.
*SHUMP'S TURN! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 19 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: 15*
Just as he managed to stand, the whole fight paused to watch as Butterbean flew through the air, as a result of being slammed by Shump's hammer, and crashing through the bar window, leaving a perfect goblin shaped hole. The sight of the loony goblin walking back through the door of the bar with little birdies tweeting around his head made both teams mentally laugh before the fight started up again.

*MAZIKEEN'S TURN! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 18 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: 17*
Using Devlin as a distraction against Talon, Maz equipped her twin daggers and used her Tiefling magic to cast 'Burning Blades' on the weapons. As the fire blazed around the cutting edges, she pounced toward the Goblin Leader and sliced his chest in a large thin 'X' formation and inflicting burns. Talon clutched his wounds and shrieked out in pain as he was brought to his knees.
*MAZIKEEN CHOOSES TO MAKE AN ANIMAL ATTACK! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 15 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: 18*
Seeing an opportunity, Maz signalled to her pet who snuck up behind the semi-downed goblin. With a loud double growl, Talon felt an even worse pain searing through his buttocks as each of the dog's two heads were dangling from a cheek by their teeth.
*DARIUS'S TURN! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 13 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: 17*
Darius, in the meantime, threw both of his short swords at Slash as if they were throwing knives. The impact of the blades entering his side and remaining shoulder sent him hurdling backwards and literally pinned him to the wall.
*EVHANJAH`LEEN'S TURN! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 14 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: 16*
Leen, however, glared at the wounded Ripper, unimpressed but annoyed by the cut he had inflicted to her ankle. By focusing the powers within herself, her fist began to glow as if it was being engulfed in light purple flames, for she was casting 'Eladrin Fighting Spirit: Lv. 1'. Her strength intensified, she punched him square under the chin sending him straight up till he crashed through the ceiling with only his legs visible. Her opponent now vanquished, the Eladrin paused to calmly wipe the goblin blood from her blade. Butterbean, meanwhile, attempted to get back in the fray by grabbing a yoyo out of his pocket. As he flings it at the young Half-Orc, blades eject from the sides of the toy turned weapon. Shump braced himself as it flew towards him but, luckily, the string fell short and the yoyo crashed to the floor. As Shump advanced on him, the Derp goblin smiled sheepishly attempting to cower away.
*SHUMP'S TURN! ROLL FOR SUCCESS: 14 ROLL FOR DAMAGE: 12*
Shump immediately grabbed the goblin by the ear and drop-kicked him against the wall, the dartboard falling off its hook impaling the bulls eye on his sharp pointy nose. Talon had managed to release his buttocks from the hellhound's jaws, though his ripped trousers clearly exposed his tiger print undies. "Green Breeds! Retreat!" Slash slowly unpinned himself from the wall just as Ripper fell back through the ceiling and Butterbean hobbled towards the door with the dartboard still on his nose. They slinked out of the bar and the Goblin Leader yelled at the Charity Collectors again. "You won't get away with this, you Hooligans! No one crosses the Green- Yipe!"
Devlin snapped at his heels. "Go on, ya Maggot! Git! Go on!" "Adiós, el verde gilipollas! (you green dickhead)"

As the group caught their breath and gathered their weapons, the whole bar erupted in applause. Even Gus, who had spent the majority of the brawl cowering under the bar, had come out from his hiding place and clapped for our heroes. As a few of the old Orcs in the bar threw gold at their feet, *ADD 15 GP EACH* the Dwarf woman from before walked up to the party. She was a Red Dwarf dressed in miners' attire and her red Dwarven beard reached down to her waist and her moustache was beautifully braided. If it weren't for her breastplate and obvious eyelashes, you could mistake her for a man. "Y'all certainly know how to win a brawl, Young Adventurers." She smiled as she pulled a clipboard off of her tool belt. "In fact, I might be able to use your services."
The four friends looked at each other before Maz addresses the newcomer. "That would depend on what kind of work you had in mind, Miss…"
"The name's Ginger, Ginger Pickludden of the Pickludden Diamond Mine outside of the town. I'm the Head of Safety and Dungeon Control for the mine and we've been having some problems of late. One of our newer tunnels has branched off into a Kobold dungeon. Usually the team I'm in charge of can clear it out with no hassle, but the abundance of Carrion Crawlers and Giant Slugs combined with the Kobolds' traps have got us beat. My boss and I are willing to pay you each one hundred and fifty gold in gems and you can keep whatever treasures you find in there. We just want to get back to our mining business without having to worry about our men's safety."
Mazikeen thought for a moment and said, "Excuse us for a moment." She motioned for her team to huddle up. "Okay. Quick maths, Darius, what's that pay in total?"
The Halfling was very arithmetically skilled and had an immediate answer. "That's six hundred gold plus any extra we find in dungeon chests."
"That should be enough to hold us all over during Spring Break, and if there are any jewels we find, the money we make can go straight in the charity box!"
Leen cut in with a faint smirky smile just visible on her face. "I'm down for a bit of Dungeon Spelunking. I haven't seen a Kobold den since I left my village."
Shump smiled with his big goofy grin. "Well, if it's for the safety of her people, then you can count me in, Dudes."
The Tiefling turned back to the Dwarven Miner. "Well Ginger, you can count on the Team Charity Collectors to solve your Dungeon problem!"

XxXxX

AN/ Whew, this is the longest chapter of any story I've ever written. But man am I proud! I'm thinking that if I can't think of any funnier situations for our heroes, the story might just take a more serious turn. But that too is ok seeing as I might adapt this into my own D&D campaign. Anyway, thoughts and opinions are encouraged and I'll see you in the next chapter!