Death is inevitable.
We've come to terms with that from the earliest points in our lives. We know we all die one day. We know we don't live forever. It's just the way of life. There's always an ending that follows a beginning.
People always say death is peaceful. That when you feel yourself going away... it's calming. That you feel yourself relax. Some even say you see a beautiful angel by your side, reaching out to take your hand. To take away your pain and burdens. It's supposed to be meaningful. It's supposed to relieving.
Bullshit.
There was no angel.
There was no peace.
There was nothing.
Nothing but loneliness and betrayal of everything I've ever known.
The fall should have killed me. From the very first second I felt us falling downwards, I had accepted the fact that that would be my last day. It was a very fast realization that I accepted in the few seconds I thought I had left to live. But, no. There was no point to any of that. I realized that when I opened my eyes and was forced to stare at the still, cold face of the man I loved more than anyone.
Lovino, oh my dearest sweetheart... when I awoke on that damp, mine floor, he had already died. From examining his body, he died on impact. He was lying in an uncomfortable situation with his backside soaked in a pool of his blood. It stained the shirt I gave to him just months before. It had a little turtle on the front, which he claimed that it reminded him of me. I guess that's why he wore it all the time. Ha...
Why didn't I die with him? Why did I have to be left alone with only his cold, rotting corpse to be my only company? This was all my fault. If I hadn't of upset him, he wouldn't of run out and we would still be back at the lodge with everyone else.
Everyone else.
I spent days (or what I think were days) waiting for someone to find me. The fall had shattered my leg so there was minimal work for me to do on my own to leave.
As time passed, the weaker I became. Soon, I could barely lift my head off the floor without getting exhausted. No food, no water... I was so thirsty, I resorted to grab onto any piles of snow and eating them. It wasn't enough. I was too hungry. Too thirsty. Nothing was enough.
More time passed, still no one. Maybe they forgot about me... Maybe they gave up looking. Did they even care to look thoroughly? Or did they look for a little and give up hope? At times, I would make the attempt to shout and cry out in case they were nearby. But it was all to no avail. My voice came out in whispers and coughs as my own words failed to save me.
Why couldn't I die?
It was as if the world feasted off my pain and suffering. Death was so near, I felt it. Yet, it was always out of reach, laughing as I tried to grasp it. It was agonizing.
Through this entire time, I was trapped in the same area as my beloved Lovino's body. I was forced to watch his body slowly decay and gradually turn grey. His beautiful face had grown still and stiff, no longer holding its mesmerizing glow. His eyes were dull, forever fixated on the stone walls around us. He died with misery plastered on his face, as if he was clinging onto life and refused to die even till the last moment. Ha, silly. Death was the preferable option in this case, and, even so, I was grateful that I had to endure this and not him.
It didn't take long till my state became too unbearable. The mere action of moving my arm became too painful to do. My mouth was so dry, I felt as if my lips cracked and cut at every intake of breath I took in. Yet, even through all this, death was still sitting idly by, reveling in my pain.
I was hungry. So, so hungry...
So hungry.
so
very
hungry.
I don't know what came over me. It was as if my body moved on its own, doing whatever that was necessary to stay alive despite my never ending pleas for this all to stop. Through my fragile bones and faltering heart, I felt myself pull closer to Lovino's body. It hadn't fully decomposed yet. His flesh was still intact. Tight and a grey-blue, but still there. My stomach growled as my bony hands grabbed his thin wrist, dragging him closer to me. If there was a God, I prayed he would forgive me for what I was about to do.
The moment my teeth sunk into his arm, I felt a rush of relief course through me. It felt so so good to finally eat something. From the first bite, my mind immediately went blank and it wasn't Lovino I was eating. It was food. A life source. It was nourishing me. It was giving me back my will to live and relieving me of my pain. I felt like an animal. Bite after bite, I consumed him. Every bite, I felt myself burying my face deeper into the exposed flesh. I gnawed on the bones when I reached them, hungrily cleaning them off the rotten flesh and meat. The fact that what I was eating was disgusting, raw, and decaying, it didn't matter.
After what seemed like ages of feasting, the realization of what I was doing finally hit me. Lovino's body was no longer beautifully in tact in death. No... It was torn apart and butchered as if a ravaged animal clawed into him mercilessly. That animal was me. I had done this. I had done this to my precious Lovino.
I screamed and felt incredibly sick, digging my fingers into my stomach. How could I have done this? How could I have done something so insensitive and disrespectful? How could I have destroyed my love's body in such a heartless manner?
Odd enough, I didn't regret it. I was disgusted with myself, but I continued anyways.
I was starving.
I continued to eat the rest of what I could off his body, hating myself all the while.
I continued to scream at myself with no effort to stop myself.
Every bite sickened me, but filled me with strength I thought I had long lost. Even through this though, I kept his face in tact. I couldn't harm his beautiful, lovely face, despite how hungry I was.
How did things become like this? All I wanted out of this trip was to spend time with my closest friends and my boyfriend. That is all that was supposed to happen. How did this turn to me feeding off the corpse of the person I held dearest to my heart, alone in an abandoned mine. It was my fault. This was all my fault.
Or was it?
Why wasn't I found? My self hatred and blame on myself gradually shifted as I began to think of other reasons why I was still here. These mines weren't too far from the lodge. Why hadn't anyone found me? If they really tried and put forth all effort and care to find me, they would. I didn't even hear the sound of people searching above. I've heard deer walking by and birds and all other sounds of nature, but not once the sound of a search party. Did they not care? Or, was it the thought of me dead was too easy to accept?
If they really cared, they would've found me by now. I wouldn't be in this mess. Even more so, when Lovino ran out, none of them bothered to go after him or us for the matter. They just watched us go out. How long did it take them to realize we weren't coming back?
More days rolled by and I continued to eat from Lovi. I was loosing myself. I grew stronger and healthier, but the more I ate the more I lost my sense of self. My body had begun to change... My fingers grew and became sharper. I was becoming a monstrous being, from what I saw from reflective puddles on the stone floors. I was disgusting. I was hideous. I was tretchourous. The more I ate, the worse I became.
But it didn't matter.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
I was hungry.
SO
VERY
HUNGRY
I AMND SO DJNBERYVERY HUNSYGRY
HUNGNER HUGERY GER HUNFG HUGNRRY
IWASDHUNGRYGB
Author's Note:
hi, im still alive and here