Best For Last: PT II
Two
ARIZONA'S POV
Throwing myself down on the couch in my open plan apartment, my head falls back and my eyes close. I'm not sure I've ever been so tired in my life. My club has me working myself into the ground, but I'm doing what I love. I'm playing soccer and getting paid for it. What's not to love about that? I'll tell you what…the inability to have Eliza here with me. The fact that I left her. The idea of never seeing her again. That's what I don't love about any of this. Honestly, it's killing me inside not speaking to her, but what else did I expect? Did I expect to move on and still have her in my life? I guess I did, but the more I've thought about it, the more I'm beginning to understand.
Jade is really great and we've been spending a ridiculous amount of time together. She just gets me. We kick back together most nights, laughing and just relaxing. I guess it helps that she's on the team, but when we leave my place, we're professional. We have a job to do, and a league to win. Maybe that's why it feels good with her, I don't know. Like, she knows what to expect and she knows how it has to be. When we're here, our time is ours, but when we're out on that pitch, we're there for the fans. For the people who pay our pay check. We get that.
"Arizona?" Jade calls out from the kitchen and I sit up on my elbows. "You want quinoa?"
"Sure, yeah." I smile. "You know, I could've ordered in from that health shop down the street."
"Nah, I've got it." Jade shrugs. "Cold tonight…"
"Yeah, it is." I agree, wrapped up in a hoodie and a pair of sweats. "This isn't the weather I'm used to."
"You think you'll stay here?" She glances over her shoulder. "I mean, I don't see why the club wouldn't offer you another contract when this one's up, but would you accept?"
"Depends." I sit up, pulling my knees up to my chest.
"On what?" Jade turns to face me, an empty plate in her hand.
"Well, on whatever else is out there." I shrug. "Another club might want me."
"Oh, I think they'll all want you, but it doesn't get much bigger than this club." She laughs. "There's a reason we've been top of the league for the last three seasons…"
"I know, I get that." I run my fingers through my hair. "But the US is my home and I'm not sure I'm prepared to stay here forever…"
"Right, yeah." Jade furrows her brow. "Is everything okay with you?" She asks. "You've been off for a few weeks now…"
"I'm fine." I smile. "Just got some stuff on my mind."
"Anything you wanna talk about?" She approaches me, handing me a plate of food. "I'm a good listener."
"Oh, no." I shake my head. "I don't think it's anything you'd want to hear."
"Try me…"
"It's about my ex." I glance up at her, Jade's jaw now clenched. "See, told you!"
"No, I'm sorry." She sighs, dropping down beside me. "I'll listen. I'm the one who has you, right?"
"R-Right." I clear my throat. "Just…it ended when I was signed here."
"O…kay." Jade waits for me to elaborate.
"She was my best friend. We fell in love. Moved in together at university. Then I came here and it all fell apart."
"Long distance?"
"We tried but it was too hard for the both of us." I sigh. "We decided to call it a day and remain friends."
"That's something, right?"
"Except now she can't even be my friend…"
"Why?" Jade furrows her brow. "Surely friendship is better than nothing, no?"
"Well, yeah." I nod. "She saw me with you online…"
"So? You're not together anymore." Jade scoffs.
"It's not as simple as that." I give my girlfriend a sad smile. "I was so into her that I took the same university so we could be together."
"Wow, okay." Jade stands. "I mean, I know I said I'd listen but I don't know what you want me to say…"
"There's nothing to say." I laugh. "She hates me and I don't blame her."
"Then that's her loss, Arizona." Jade returns to the kitchen and plates up her food. "You have the career most women would get on their hands and knees and beg for, so she should be happy for you."
"Whoa." I set my plate down on the coffee table. "She is happy for me. She wanted me to take this."
"Then I don't know what the issue is." Jade shrugs, her back still to me. I knew she wouldn't understand so I don't know why I bothered bringing it up. "If she's happy for you, she'll understand."
"Understand what?" I furrow my brow.
"That you're happy here. That you're in a relationship." Jade turns around. "Life changes all the time, Arizona. You have to take what you can get while it's on offer."
"I know." I nod, agreeing. "It's just hard. I feel awful."
"Well, don't." She settles down beside me, her hand resting on my thigh. "You're happy and you should focus on that. Your ex will move on and it will all be a distant memory."
"Y-Yeah." I turn away, picking my plate of food back up. "Sure."
Focusing on the tv in front of me, tears prick my eyes. Will I be a distant memory to Eliza one day? I don't want that. I want to always have her in my life. I know it's hard, but surely she misses me too? Surely, she wants to pick up the phone and call, or arrange one of our video chats? I emailed her the night she told me she wanted to talk less but I got nothing back from her. I tried calling, but again, she gave me nothing.
I'm sure she's just mad at me but I'm going to fix that the next time I'm home. I'm going to find her and I'm going to try and talk this out with her. I need her friendship. I need that gorgeous smile and those incredible green eyes in my life. Honestly, I'm not sure I could live without them.
I do want to return home one day and stay, but when will that be? I'm tied in here for another two years and unless a team in the states wants me when that time comes, I'll have to go wherever the soccer is. I'll have to follow my dream wherever in the world it takes me.
I just wish Eliza was with me…
"Hey, mom." Smiling at the screen in front of me, it's so good to speak to my mom. "You good?"
"Great, honey." She nods. "I miss you, though."
"I miss you, too." Relaxing back in my seat, Jade is watching tv out of view. "What's new?"
"Working all hours." She rolls her eyes. "Caught up with Eliza and her mom last night. It was pleasant."
"How are they?" I clear my throat, glancing over at my girlfriend who has zero interest in my conversation. "Eliza good?"
"She was…quiet," Mom says. "I went down to Florida for the evening."
"That's nice." My voice breaks. "Did she ask about me?"
"Who?"
"Eliza…"
"No, honey." Mom gives me a sad smile. "I think she's just busy."
"No, I think she just hates me." I scoff. "She just…she won't speak to me."
"Arizona…"
"What?" I don't like where this conversation is going. I don't like the way my mom is looking at me or her tone of voice. "Mom?"
"W-When I met up with them, Eliza's girlfriend was there."
"She has a girlfriend?" I furrow my brow. "Who?"
"A wonderful girl from one of her classes. Claire, her name is."
Claire? I don't know anyone called Claire.
"Oh, awesome." I give my mom my best fake smile. "It's about time she was happy."
"It is." Mom agrees. "You're both moving on…"
"Yeah, something like that." My shoulders slump. "I have to go, mom."
"Not yet, honey." Mom pleads. "Stay a little longer…"
"I-I can't." My eyes fall to the desk in front of me. "I have stuff to do and I have to be up early for training…"
"Arizona?" I lift my eyes, finding moms. "This isn't healthy…"
"Bye, mom." Cutting the call, I force my seat back and disappear into my bedroom. I'm not sure Jade remembers I'm even in this apartment, but I don't care right now. I need a moment to myself, a moment to remind myself that I'm doing the right thing.
I have wondered over the past six months or so if I was doing the right thing. The first six months were so hectic that I didn't have time to sit around thinking, but as I settled, as my life calmed down, I was left with plenty of time to think. Jade only came into my life around two months ago, but even she isn't removing Eliza from my thoughts.
Cards on the table time…I think about her every minute of the day. I think about her every second that I'm conscious. If I'm training, I think about her. If I'm showering, I think about her. If I'm in a team meeting, Eliza is there…ever present. I'd say it's an issue, but until a few weeks ago, it wasn't. It felt good having her on my mind. It meant I still felt connected to her.
Now, though? Now I feel more detached than I ever have in my life. Not only do I feel detached from my ex-girlfriend, but I feel detached from my life. I feel like I'm simply existing. That isn't how this was supposed to go. This was supposed to be it for me. The life I always dreamed of. The more time I spend in England, the more I realize that without Eliza, my life is worth nothing.
"Arizona?" Jade knocks on my bedroom door.
"Yeah?" I brush a tear from my jawline.
"You okay?" She pushes the door open, noticing my red, puffy eyes.
"Yeah, just homesick." I lie. "Sorry, I'm not much fun tonight…"
"Wanna take an early night?" Jade steps inside, closing the door behind her. "Maybe I could help you out a little…"
"How so?" I furrow my brow. "You going to get me a flight home?"
"Well, no." She strips her tee from her body, the material falling to the floor. "But I can take your mind off things…"
Pushing through my apartment door, it's almost six in the evening, and I know Eliza doesn't have any classes today. She's been on my mind more today than any other and I've just blown Jade off for the evening. I need to be alone for a while. I need to just be alone and think. Take some time to myself. Figure out what the hell I'm doing thousands of miles away from home. I mean, I know what I'm doing, but is it what I should be doing?
Honestly, I don't know. I don't know anything lately.
Locking up for the rest of the night, I take my cell from my pocket and throw my kit bag down in the kitchen. Cranking up the thermostat, I head for the huge floor to ceiling window and lean against the frame. I'm around twenty floors up, but it gives me a good view of London. The lights. The hustle and bustle. London is great, but it's too freaking cold. Way too cold.
It's Friday night and I'm sitting home alone. It's Friday night, and I need to speak to Eliza. I'd never usually call her up out of the blue, but I need to hear her voice. I need to see her face. She's probably busy and she probably won't answer, but I feel like I have to try. I feel like I need something to keep me sane or this night is going to turn into one huge mess. I know it is. I can feel it.
Bringing up my ex-girlfriend's contact information, I hit the video symbol and listen to the familiar sound of a video call in progress. I don't know why I'm bothering because she hasn't returned any of my calls, texts, or emails, but I believe I'm doing the right thing. I know she doesn't want me in her life anymore, but she's always been there and I'm struggling today more than I have since I arrived in England.
"Arizona?"
Oh, god. She answered.
"Is everything okay? Did something happen?" Eliza has a look of worry on her face. "You never call without warning…"
"N-No." I furrow my brow. "I just needed to speak to you."
"You're okay?" She asks, glancing over the other side of the room she's in. "Huh?"
"Yeah, I'm okay." I smile.
"Then I have to go." Eliza cuts the call.
Okay, that just broke my heart. Her cutting our call, my contact, it really has just broken my heart. Why did she do that? Is it really that hard for her to even look at me that she has to hang up on me? I just wanted to talk. I just wanted to check in with her. I know she hates me and I can't change that, but she could at least pretend to have some kind of respect for me.
Hitting the video button again, the same sound filters through my ears and my heart pounds hard in my chest. It pounds harder than ever before.
"Arizona, I'm busy!"
"Wait!" I yell. "Please, don't hang up on me…"
"What do you want?" Eliza asks, her eyes void of any emotion. "Shouldn't you be kicking a ball around or something?"
"Eliza…"
"Stop saying my name like that." She grits her teeth.
"Like what?" I ask, my forehead creasing.
"Like I mean something to you." She scoffs. "Are you just bored and lonely or do you need something from me?"
"I just…" Turning away from the screen, I can't bear to see her looking at me how she is. "It's okay, I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry…"
"Whatever." She sighs. "Can I hang up now?"
"I-If I ever came home…" The words leave my mouth faster than I have time to think.
"If you ever came home what?" She laughs. "Would I just take you back?"
"Y-Yes." Tears fall from my eyes, already knowing her answer. "Could we be together again?"
"No, Arizona." My eyes find hers and she gives me a sad smile. "No, we couldn't."
"O-Okay." I nod, my eyes closing. "I'm sorry I called. Bye, Eliza."
Ending the call, I drop my cell to the floor, my body sliding down the frame of the window. I don't know why I called her or why I thought she would tell me what I needed to hear, but now I'm crumbling and I don't know how to fix how I feel. Jade isn't who I want. No other woman in this world is who I want. I just want the one person I've been madly in love with since I was fifteen. I just want Eliza.
Picking my cell up from beside me on the floor, I open a new message and tap the screen. Eliza has made it clear how she feels and I only have myself to blame. How stupid could I be to ever think that leaving the US would keep us together? How stupid could I be to think that she loved me enough to figure this out? I may have agreed to end things with her, but we didn't even try. Eliza, she didn't try at all.
I would've packed up and got the next flight out if you'd given me any kind of hope. I'm sorry I broke your heart and your trust. X
Don't do this. It's been a year, Arizona. A year without you and five weeks since I let you go…you should do the same. Eliza.
Yeah, I see that now. I love you, but I want you to be happy. All I ever wanted was to make you happy, but I failed epically. I won't contact you again. I'm sorry. X
Resting my head against the window, I throw my cell to the other side of the room, the sound of the screen smashing making me laugh. I give up, I really do. What's the point in anything anymore? What's the point being here and enjoying my career when it was always fucked from the start?
The one thing I'm taking away from this? Don't ever fall in love…
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.