Best For Last: PT II
Five
ARIZONA'S POV
"Hey, mom." I drop down onto the couch, my pajamas still covering my body. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas, sweetheart," Mom says, sadness evident in her voice. "I'm so sorry I couldn't be there with you."
"It's okay." I toy with the hem on my pajama shorts. "I know you have to work."
"But it wasn't supposed to be this way." She sighs. "I was supposed to be home with you. You need me and I'm not there."
"Mom, it's okay." I try to reassure her. "I'm just going to relax and spend the day watching movies."
"Sounds perfect." Her voice breaks. "Sounds like exactly what we would usually do…"
"Yeah, it does." I agree, a small smile curling on my mouth.
"What about dinner?" Mom asks.
"I can prepare it myself." I clear my throat. "I prepared the vegetables last night…"
"I don't want you to eat alone." She cries. "This is all going horribly wrong, Zona. I'm so sorry…"
"Mom, relax." I run my fingers through my hair. "I'm not feeling very festive anyway."
"I know but I hoped I'd make you feel a little better…"
"You make me feel better just by being my mom." I smile. "Look, do you have any idea when you'll be home?" I ask. "I can't get a flight back to England for a couple of days yet…"
"I'm hoping to leave tomorrow…"
"Then I won't arrange anything," I say. "How about I stay and we spend New Year's Eve together?"
"That would be wonderful, honey." Mom doesn't sound so mad at herself now. "If you would…"
"I'd love to stay longer." I lie. "I should get dinner ready, I guess."
"Enjoy, Zona." Mom sighs. "Enjoy your day."
"Thanks, mom. I love you."
"I love you, too." Ending our call, I glance over at the kitchen and sigh. I have no intentions of eating Christmas dinner alone, but mom doesn't need to know that. If she thinks I'm kinda enjoying my day, she won't worry so much. I hate lying to her, but it's to put her mind at ease so I don't feel as bad.
Flicking through the channels, I don't see anything that catches my attention but that's okay. I'm not interested in watching Christmas movies or anything of the sort. The only thing I'm interested in…is Eliza. The only thing I've had on my mind since a few nights ago…is Eliza. I thought hearing her tell me she loves her girlfriend would help, but really, it's made things worse.
Why? Because knowing that she loves her means there is zero chance of us ever reconciling. Knowing that she loves her, means I can't do or say anything to change her mind. Not only have I lost Eliza, but she now loves someone else. How do I compete with that? How do I compete with someone who is here, and willing, and ready to be in a relationship with my ex-girlfriend? If I could change her mind, I would. The fact of the matter is though, I can't. I can't because it wouldn't fix anything. I still have to return to London, and Eliza would still be alone in our relationship.
She did the right thing in cutting contact with me, I know that now. It may hurt and it may be killing me inside, but it's totally the right thing for her to do. She doesn't deserve to sit at home, alone. She deserves to be dated. Loved. Taken care of. She deserves someone who isn't thousands of miles away, kicking a fucking ball around. My plan had always been to make the big money and take care of both of us, but she didn't need that. All she needed, was to fall into someone's arms each night when she climbed into bed. All she needed, was love.
She knows I love her, and she knows I'd do absolutely anything for her, but it wasn't enough. It will never be enough. The long-distance idea didn't concern me at first, and honestly, I still felt completely connected to her whenever we spoke, but I realize that it's hard. I realize that Eliza is the kind of person who needs the contact. The kind of person who wants to wake beside the woman she loves, share breakfast, and begin her day with them. I realize that…and that's where I failed.
I failed more than I ever have in my life. Once I knew Eliza wanted me like I wanted her, I promised myself I'd never mess things up between us. I promised myself that I'd spend my life making her happy. How can I expect her to believe that when I can't even keep promises to myself? How could I have ever thought we would work out when she needed me here with her? If I could, I'd take it all back in a heartbeat. I'd do everything so much differently. If I could turn back time…I'd never have let her go. Never.
Curled up on the couch, it's almost five in the evening, and I haven't moved from my spot since around two. I have nothing to do and nowhere to be, so I took a shower and put some fresh clothes on. I may be lonely and bordering on depressed, but I don't need to stink, too. I thought about running to clear my mind, but I was worried I'd have run straight to Eliza's. I was worried that I'd arrive there and find her loved up on the porch with her girlfriend, sharing hot chocolate.
I don't know why I'm so concerned about what they get up to, but I am. I don't like it. I don't like knowing that someone else has what once belonged to me. I don't like knowing that she kisses her or touches her. I don't like that she makes Eliza smile and glow. I don't like anything my life has become, but I only have myself to blame. I only have myself to blame for everything I'm feeling right now.
The doorbell pulling me from my thoughts, I furrow my brow and glance up. I don't know why anyone would be calling here on Christmas day, but maybe my mom decided to surprise me. I don't think it's as simple as that, but I can hope, right? God knows I need someone here with me right now.
Climbing from the couch, I glance down my body and shrug. I have an old college hoodie on and a pair of my old team shorts. Approaching the door, barefoot, I tug it open to find Mrs. Minnick standing on my porch. "H-Hi." My forehead creases in confusion. "Is everything okay, Mrs. Minnick?"
"I brought you some dinner by…"
"Oh, thank you but I'm covered here." I give her an appreciative smile. "Thanks for thinking about me, though."
"Your mom called. She was worried you hadn't eaten."
"I have." I lie. "Finished a while ago…"
"Then let me help you with the clear up?" She arches an eyebrow. "I don't mind…"
"No, that's okay." I step out onto the porch, closing the door behind me. "You should be home with Eliza."
"She tried to call you." She says. "We wanted you to join us for dinner…"
"Oh." I smile, half-heartedly. "I just…I blocked her number."
"Why?" Mrs. Minnick furrows her brow.
"Because I'm not in her life anymore." I shrug. "She doesn't want that and since I've been home, I understand."
"Oh, Arizona." She squeezes my arm.
"I'm okay." My voice breaks. "You don't need to be here. I'm okay…"
"Please, let me inside for five minutes…" She dips her head, her eyes finding mine. "Just a few minutes?"
"Okay." I nod, wrapping my arms around myself. "But then you really have to leave."
"I know." She agrees, stepping inside behind me. "Eliza has been…distant."
"Why?" I ask, turning back to face her. "She was happy when I saw her a few nights ago."
"She's been like this since you left the party." Her mom shrugs. "She says she's fine, but I know she's not."
"I'm sorry." I sigh. "This is all my fault. I never should've come home. I never should've come to your place." It's true. Whatever Eliza is feeling, it's my fault. If she's hurting, I'm to blame. If she's pissed, it's all on me. "I promise I'll be out of here, out of her life, soon."
"That's not what I want, Arizona." Mrs. Minnick follows me into the kitchen. "I just think you both need to sit down and have a serious talk…"
"I can't." I shake my head. "Eliza told me that she can't see me anymore." I give her a sad smile. "I understand that and I'm happy to leave. She doesn't ever have to see me again. It's why I blocked her number."
"Arizona…"
"She hates me." I laugh. "She hates me and I get it, okay? You probably hate me, too."
"That's not true." She disagrees. "I just want you both to be okay. You're important to me, Arizona. You always will be."
"Your daughter is your priority, Mrs. Minnick." I head for the door. "You should be at home with her, not worrying about me. I'll be fine and I'll be gone soon." Pulling the door open, Eliza's mom nods slowly and approaches me. "Thank you for checking in but I'm okay."
"I'm sorry it came to this, Arizona."
"Me too."
Pounding the sidewalk, my legs burn for relief for but I'm not stopping. It may be 8 pm and Christmas, but my head is so full of everything that I need to run. I have to keep running. I could say that I'm making up for the lack of exercise since I returned home, but that's not what this is. I can exercise whenever I want, and now isn't a time I should be choosing to do it. I should be home, relaxing. I should be home, enjoying Christmas.
I should be doing those things, but I'm not. Mom isn't here. Eliza isn't here. Nothing is here and I'm alone. I'm generally okay with loneliness if I'm being honest, but tonight I feel different. I feel different because Mrs. Minnick came by earlier and said some things. I didn't want to hear about my ex-girlfriend and how she's feeling, but she told me and now it's playing on my mind.
Have I really pissed her off being here? Does she hate me more than she did a few hours before I arrived at the party? Does she wish I didn't exist? I wish I didn't exist. My music pumping in my ears, I breathe hard and deep, focusing on the end of the street. Just one more lap of the block and I'll call it a night. One more, and I can fall into bed, waking fresh to a new day tomorrow.
Rounding the corner, my body collides with another, knocking them to the floor. "Shit, sorry!"
"I-It's okay…" I pull my music from my ears, focusing on the body in front of me.
"Eliza, are you okay?" I pull her up to her feet. "I should've been more careful."
"Arizona, I'm fine." She brushes herself down.
"Did I hurt you?" What kind of question is that? It's all I do…
"No, just shocked." She gives me a small smile, her eyes glossy. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just feel bad." The evening chill sets in, my body shivering. "Are you sure I didn't hurt you?"
"Honestly, I'm fine." Eliza shoves her hands in her pockets. "Why are you out running so late?"
"Figured it was better than sitting home alone." Shrugging, I glance down the street I've just come from. "You headed home?"
"Yeah, just needed to take a walk."
"Mind if I join you?" I arch an eyebrow, pulling my hoodie from around my waist and covering my body. "Unless you wanted to be alone…"
"No, it's okay." We slowly make our way down the street. Eliza's place is around ten minutes from here, so I know I'm going to get some time with her. "How was your day?" She asks, her eyes focused on the sidewalk.
"Quiet," I say. "Not like Christmas at all…"
"No." Her eyes find mine, a small smile curling on her mouth. "No, it didn't feel like Christmas at my house, either."
"Why not?" I ask, my brow furrowed.
"Spent most of my time in my bedroom." She shrugs, crossing the street. "Had a headache most of the day and I didn't really feel like doing much."
"You coming down with something?"
"I don't think so." My ex-girlfriend shakes her head, disagreeing. "It's just been a busy few months, I guess."
"Y-Yeah." I nod slowly. "So, you have plans for New Year?"
"I do." She loses my eyes again. "I'm headed out of town. Some fancy hotel, spa, thingy."
"Sounds perfect." The realization of who she will be spending her time with hitting me square in the chest. "Mom is headed home tomorrow, so I promised I'd hang around until after New Year's Eve."
"I'm sure she would love that." Eliza smiles, her eyes shining brightly as we slow close to a street light. "You've missed her, huh?"
"Always." I sigh. "It's been months since I saw her and then she had to leave town. I just…hoped I wouldn't be alone, you know?"
"I did try to call you," Eliza admits. "I know mom told you, but I did."
"I know, I'm sorry." I give her a sad smile. "Blocking your number was the best thing for us. You asked me to let you be, and you told me you couldn't see me anymore, so I was respecting that."
"That's sweet."
"No, it's painful." I counter. "But, it's how it has to be…"
"Tell me what to do, Arizona." Eliza stops, facing me fully. "Just…tell me what to do."
"Um, about what?" I look at her, totally confused.
"Everything." She breathes out, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I mean, you're here. You're actually here…"
"I've been here a few days now," I say.
"But you're here…" A tear slips down my ex's face and I'm completely lost. "I-I didn't expect it. I didn't think I'd see you. I didn't want to see you."
"O-Oh." I drop my gaze. "I'm sorry…"
"But now that I have…all I want is to see you more."
"Eliza, I'll be gone in a few days."
"And that is what's killing me inside." Now that the truth is coming out, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. "Seeing you, talking to you…I just." She shakes her head. "It's messing with my head."
"I blocked you, Eliza," I reply. "I blocked you and other than that, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do."
"I know…"
"I can't not visit home." I sigh. "I can't lock myself away because you hate me…"
"I don't hate you."
"You do." I laugh. "You do, but I hate me too so it's okay." I dip my head, finding her eyes. "It's okay to hate me."
"I don't want to hate you." Her voice breaks. "You've always been there. You've been my best friend through life…"
"And you ended that." I furrow my brow. "You ended our friendship, Eliza."
"Because I thought it was the right thing to do."
"It was." I nod. "I understand that now."
"I shouldn't have done that." She disagrees. "I shouldn't have cut you from my life how I did."
"I'm glad you did," I admit, my heart breaking. "I'm glad you cut me from your life because now, you're moving on with yours. You have a girlfriend and you're in love. I'm happy for you, okay?"
"Arizona…"
"No." I hold up my hands. "You don't have to say anything. You don't have to explain. I lost any right to know about your life when I left here and that's something I have to live with…"
"But-"
"But nothing." I cut her off. "You have plans. You have a future with your girlfriend. Me, I have my soccer and I'm okay with that now."
"H-How?" She asks. "How are you suddenly okay with it?"
"Because being home has shown me that I truly did lose you." I take her hand. "I'm not here to cause you trouble, Eliza. I'm here because I thought I was supposed to be. Now, I realize that I was wrong. I was wrong to come here, hoping you would realize what we had, and I was wrong to say those things I did to you at the party." I squeeze Eliza's hand. "You're involved, and you have everything you need here. Me, in a week…I'll be gone."
"Arizona…"
"I have to go." I drop her hand and throw my thumb over my shoulder. "I won't see you again, so…Happy New Year." I smile. "I hope it's the best ever for you…"
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.