Best For Last: PT II
Ten
ELIZA'S POV
Silence surrounding me, I move around my kitchen and wait for Claire to say whatever it is she's come here to say. Arizona has just left and I don't know if she's pissed at me. I should've worded things better when I tried to explain Claire and I. I should've told Arizona exactly what was happening before we'd even slept together. I know she's worried and I know she deserves more than bringing me home to find my ex on my porch, but I didn't expect her to show up. I didn't expect Claire to even be in town.
Turning, I find my ex watching me, her eyes burning holes through my body. I'd start this conversation, but I don't know what she wants from me. I don't know why she even feels there is a conversation to be had. Maybe she's holding onto something that doesn't exist, I don't know.
"What's going on?" I clear my throat. "I mean, why are you here?"
"I think we need to talk…"
"About what?" I lean back against the counter. "We don't have anything to say, Claire."
"Really?" She furrows her brow. "That's it?"
"I believe it is, yes." Nodding slightly, I do feel bad. I feel awful for what I've done. Would I change it, though? No. No, I wouldn't.
"I know you love Arizona and I was willing to see past that." She runs her fingers through her dark hair. "But this isn't her home anymore, Eliza."
"This will always be her home."
"Yes, but she's going again." Claire smiles. "Soon, she'll be gone and you'll be left here to figure things out again."
"You've no idea what we've discussed." I furrow my brow. "You don't know what's going on…"
"Maybe not but I know Arizona and her soccer comes first." She snorts. "I know that if she had to choose, her soccer would always come before you."
"You don't know that." My heart sinks.
"I do." Claire approaches me, taking my hand. "That's what happened last year, and it will happen again."
"Claire…"
"You can pretend that life for the both of you is amazing, but think about it. She didn't stay for you last year and as her career grows, this between you guys will only end up with you hurting. You will be the one who sits here alone...while Arizona is living her best life."
"You should leave." I give my ex a sad smile. "I know you mean well but this isn't your business. This is between Arizona and me."
"It will be my business when we head back to Florida and you're alone. Hurt. Needing someone."
"I won't." I attempt to tug my hand away but Claire grips it tighter. "Claire…"
"All I'm asking is that you think about this." She leans in, her lips pressing against mine. Fuck!
"Get off me!" Pushing her away, I furrow my brow. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry." She steps back, shoving her hands in her pockets. "I just...I'll see you back at university."
Rushing out of the kitchen and my home, Claire disappears and I breathe a sigh of relief. I don't know what she wants me to say. I don't know what she actually wants from me. Arizona and I are working through this and I need her to back off while I do that.
Yes, she's right in that Arizona will be leaving again, but that doesn't mean we can't be together. I made that mistake last time around and I'm not doing it again. Claire and her words do worry me, but I have to push my worry aside. I have to focus on the fact that my girlfriend is very much here right now. Whatever happens, happens. I cannot control the future and I cannot control the past, but I can control the here and now. The here and now which includes Arizona and I in love, happy.
Taking the staircase slowly, I head for my bedroom and grab some things I'm going to need. Until Arizona leaves for London again, I'm staying with her. Barbara would want me to do that anyway so what's the point in waiting this out and hoping she will ask me over? I know she's angry that Claire was here, but now I have to go there and make her listen. I have to go there and tell her that I'm all in. I already was, but something tells me Arizona is going to need some reassurance.
Opening the top drawer of my dresser, the ring Arizona gave me on prom night is still sitting in the box I left it in. Taking it out, I slip it on my finger and smile. This ring represents happier times. Times I know we'll have again. We have to. It's the only future I see. Arizona and I, in love. A world of happiness. I fully expect things to be tough first off, but ultimately, we're going to grow old together. I don't see any other way this could end.
Pulling up outside Arizona's home, her car is on the driveway, so I know she's here. I thought about calling or texting her before I left but I wasn't sure the mood she would be in and honestly, if she'd given me a hint of it, I wouldn't have come by tonight. She knows I want to be with her, but something about leaving her earlier has been given me a bad vibe. Something about how she looked right through me, it felt off. She felt off.
Climbing from my car, I release a deep breath and make my way up Arizona's porch. I don't know what I'm about to be faced with, but the sooner I knock, the sooner I'll know. Pressing the doorbell, I hear movement behind the wood separating us and then it opens.
"H-Hey." I clear my throat.
"Hi." Arizona gives me a weak smile. "I didn't think I'd see you tonight."
"I told you I wanted to spend the evening with you…"
"I know, but then things changed." She shrugs, leaning against the frame of the door. "I wasn't accusing you, Eliza."
"I know." I step closer. "I was just mad at myself for not talking to Claire sooner."
"Everything kinda happened at once, huh?" My girlfriend sighs.
"I guess so, but it doesn't excuse the fact that I didn't make you and I official to her sooner." Shifting uncomfortably, I toy with my car key. "C-Can I come in?"
"Yeah." She gives me a soft smile. "Kinda been missing you…"
"Yeah?" I step closer to Arizona, her hand gripping my jacket and pulling me inside. "I've been missing you, too."
"Then you should definitely stay the night." She smirks against my mouth, pushing me against her front door as it closes. "Because I have some stuff I need to discuss with you…"
"S-Stuff?" I pull back, pressing my hand against Arizona's chest. "What stuff?"
"Don't look so worried…" She furrows her brow. "Jeez."
"I knew this was going to happen." I push her away, seeing red, panic setting in. "Claire confirmed it for me, but I knew it was going to happen…"
"Whoa, what?" Arizona laughs, a hint of anger in her tone. "What the fuck did Claire confirm for you?"
"That you're going back," I say. "Probably tomorrow knowing my luck." I roll my eyes. "That your soccer would always come before me…"
"T-That's what you think?"
"It doesn't matter what I think." My voice breaks. Here comes the verbal diarrhea. "Claire kissed me, and you're leaving…" I can feel myself about to blow, but I really don't want to. I told Arizona I understand that she has to leave, but I didn't think it would be so soon.
"She kissed you." Arizona's shoulders slump. "Right." Backing up, I feel my heart tightening in my chest. My breath, struggling. "Claire kissed you…"
"This isn't about that." My forehead creases. "This is about us and what you need to talk to me about."
"Oh, it doesn't matter what I have to say." She holds up her hands. "You've just made it perfectly clear what you think about me, Eliza. Perfectly fucking clear."
"Don't do that." I spit. "Don't put this all on me."
"I'm not." Arizona shakes her head. "I'm not putting anything on you."
"Just…what did you want to talk about?" I drop my head, shoving my hands in my pockets.
"Nothing. It doesn't matter." She gives me a sad smile. "You should take Claire's word over mine. After all, she's the one who picked up the pieces when I left. It makes sense…"
"Arizona…"
"Go home, Eliza." She sighs. "I need to work out, anyway."
"So, that's it?" I laugh. "You need to work out and you want me to leave?"
"Yeah, I guess I do." She nods, her eyes focused on the floor. Her eyes, focused anywhere but on me. "I'm here. I'm fucking standing in front of you…but what Claire said means more to you."
"No, that's not what I meant." I breathe out, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I just…you said you had stuff you wanted to talk about and that can only usually mean one thing."
"Yeah, well this time…it didn't." She shrugs. "I have to leave town tomorrow, so I guess I'll just see you around."
"Y-You're breaking up with me?" My heart sinks.
"I don't know what you want from me, Eliza." Arizona's eyes finally find mine. "I love you more than anything in this world, but what you just said to me hurts."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm sick of the constant apologies." She says. "I'm tired of one of us always feeling bad about something. I don't want us to be like this. I don't want to always fight with you over decisions and our future. I want you, more than anything, but you believe my soccer comes before you."
"Does it?" I arch an eyebrow. "I mean, I could see her point."
"You should really go." A tear slips down Arizona's face. "I don't want to fight with you anymore. I just want you to be happy and in love. I want that to be with me, but you don't trust me. You don't believe anything we have anymore, I can see it in your eyes."
"You left, Arizona," I state. "You left, and then you came back, demanding my attention."
"That wasn't my intention." She closes her eyes. "I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry you feel like you had to give me your attention to appease me. That won't happen again."
"All I wanted was you here with me," I say. "All I wanted was to give you my time and attention, but you still haven't answered my question. Will your soccer always come before me or not?"
"I'm not answering that." She shakes her head. "I can't believe you even have to ask me…"
"Then I have my answer." I pull my jacket around me tighter. "It will always come before me. If it didn't, you never would've left me."
"I never wanted to leave you…"
"But you did." I give her a sad smile. "Whether you wanted to or not…you did."
"I need to pack." She clears her throat, squaring her shoulders. "Go home. Be happy. I love you, but I have things to do."
"You don't love me, Arizona." My own emotions get the better of me. "You keep saying you do, but how can we love each other if we're willing to live thousands of miles apart."
"You're right." She nods, opening the front door. "We can't."
"That's it?" I back up.
"That seems to be what you want to hear, so yeah, that's it."
Stepping out on the porch, I'm about to say something when Arizona closes the door in my face. I know I totally fucked that up, but how the hell am I standing here alone, and pretty much single? How am I about to go home alone, again, and let her live her life without me?
I'm the biggest asshole on the planet, I know that. I just…I'm so scared to lose her. I know it's inevitable and I know there isn't anything we can do about it, but I'm supposed to support her. I'm supposed to be the one she comes to when she has worries, when she needs to talk. She needed to talk just then, and instead of being the ear she needs, I dismissed her and caused a fight between us.
I mean, can we love each other so far away? Can it work, or will it fall apart like it did last time around? I'm not sure I want to even imagine that, but right now, I'm lost. Do I knock and work this out? Do I go home and call her later when we've both calmed down? Fuck, I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do.
E: I'm sorry, I love you. X
Shoving my cell into my pocket, I take the steps of the porch and head for my car. After the things I've just said, and the way I've just spoken to Arizona, I'll be lucky if I ever receive a reply from her ever again. I'll be lucky if she didn't block my number the moment she basically kicked me out. The longer this goes on, the uncertainty about our future and our relationship, the more likely it is that it will all turn toxic between us. I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to hate me for the things I've just said. I know I was way out of line, but what Claire said has struck something inside me.
I know I agreed to the move to England with Arizona, and I know it's her career, but she did leave me. If the tables were turned, I'm not sure I could ever bring myself to leave. I don't care what opportunities I'd miss out on, I'm not sure I could've ever left Arizona. Having said that, I wasn't in that situation, so I don't know what my decision would've been.
A: I'm not sure you realize how much you've just fucked up any chance of you and I. You told me to leave, so I did. I came back for you, but it's not what you want. I wish you'd been honest with me, Eliza. I wish you'd told me you didn't love me anymore and that I'd damaged us belong repair. I wish you still wanted me, but you don't. Please, tell Claire I'm sorry for getting between you both. I really do want the world for you. I just hope you find it in your future.
E: I'm sorry. X
A: Me too. I'm sorry for ever falling in love with my best friend. Because now, I have absolutely nothing.
Sighing, I glance back, staring at Arizona's childhood home. She isn't even looking out of her window. She isn't rushing down her porch and falling into my arms. She isn't interested, because I'm an asshole. An asshole who is always going to hurt her, no matter what I say or do.
Who the hell says those things?
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.