Best For Last: PT II
Twelve
ELIZA'S POV
I've been sitting outside Arizona's apartment block for the last two hours, terrified that she's about to walk out and see me. Of course, I want to see her…but I don't know what to say. I don't know where to begin with all of the apologies I feel like I have inside me. I know she doesn't care for what I have to say, and I know she made it clear two nights ago when she handed me my things back, but I still care. I still need to make amends, if that's even possible to do. I feel like it is. I feel like if I show her I'm here, wanting her, she will come back to me, but I also know that I've hurt her.
I could see that anger in her eyes when I waited for her after training, but I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to contact her or where she lived, so once I knew she was in Orlando, I had to find out where she would be. I understand that she doesn't appreciate me waiting for her like that, but at one time in our lives, it's all she would've hoped for. Me, waiting for her…going home together. Yeah, once upon a time, that would've been our life together.
I don't believe I can ever get back what we've lost but knowing she's here, just an hour drive from campus, it's been playing with my mind. Once the news broke on her old club's Twitter feed, everything changed for me again. I didn't know she'd gone back to London to finalize a deal with Orlando. I didn't know she was ever coming back here. I'd heard so little from her that I figured she'd cut me from her life, just like I once did.
Did my words really ruin us that much? Did they honestly crush whatever was left of our relationship? I went to her mom's place that night with the intention of making things okay between us, but I somehow ruined it further. I somehow lost Arizona, quite literally in the blink of an eye. I know I shouldn't have got so angry with her and I know I shouldn't have allowed my emotions to get the better of me, but I can't change that. I can apologize and try to make things right between us, but how am I supposed to do that when Arizona won't spend five minutes in the same room as me?
How am I supposed to try and repair what I've broken if she looks at me like she doesn't even know me? Yes, this is on me…and yes, I never should've brought Claire into our conversation, but what's done is done. I cannot change anything if she won't give me the time of day. I can't apologize, repeatedly, if my apologies mean nothing to her.
Watching her apartment block door open, I catch sight of her team colors, Arizona's hair thrown up in a messy bun on top of her head. She looks as gorgeous as she ever did, but I need to be closer to her. I need to wish her luck for her first game with her new team. It will probably have the reverse effect because it's coming from my mouth, but I still feel like I should speak to her. Just…say words, I don't know.
Climbing from my car, I clear my throat and follow her towards her own. She hasn't seen me, or she has and she's avoiding me, but I hope she doesn't dismiss me completely. I hope she doesn't drive away without so much as one word to me.
"Arizona!" I pick up my pace. "Hey!"
Turning, her forehead creases. "Eliza?"
"Just wanted to say good luck for your game today." I smile, weakly. "It's your first, right?"
"It is, yeah." She throws her kit bag in the trunk of her car and slams it shut. "Kinda nervous, but whatever."
"I'm sure you'll be great." I shift uncomfortably. "You always are…"
"Yeah, thanks." She drops her gaze. "I should head off." She throws her thumb over her shoulder. "Wanted to get some extra training in before the team arrives."
"You're not working yourself too hard?"
"No, I know what I can handle." She says, backing up towards her door. "See you around, yeah?"
"I, uh…I got a ticket." I clear my throat. "For your game today."
"Great, I hope you have an awesome day." Her dimples pop and my heart melts in my chest. "You got good seats?"
"I think so, yeah…" Nodding, I shove my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. "I picked up a jersey, too."
"Nice." She laughs, seemingly genuine.
"Well, I'll let you go." I back up. "I know how precise your routine is. Wouldn't want to mess it up."
"Yeah." She slips into her car, the door remaining open. "Thanks for coming by…"
"That's okay." I try not to blush.
As much as I want to, I don't believe Arizona would appreciate that. I know she's still mad at me, so blushing, or making her aware of the fact that I had her name put on my jersey, it seems inappropriate.
"Hey, Eliza." She calls me back as I'm about to turn around, heading for my car.
"Yeah?"
"You been looking after yourself?" She asks, concern in her eyes.
"Oh, yeah." I nod, hoping she won't notice the dark circles around my eyes that have only grown since I saw her two nights ago. "Just the usual." I shrug. "You?"
"Have to." She smiles. "No time for slacking…"
"No, I guess not." I sigh. "Good luck, yeah?"
"Thank you…"
Settled in my seat, the guy I got my ticket from really did give me the best. I have the perfect view of Arizona, but it feels strange sitting here. A stadium filled to capacity, my ex-girlfriend no longer in my life…yeah, it feels weird. Heartbreaking and weird. I don't want to dwell on it though while I'm sitting here. My emotions have been all over the place lately and I don't believe a soccer game is a place to cry.
I know once I see her running around the pitch, it will bring back a world of memories for me, but sometimes the memories are good. Even those that we made together before we admitted our feelings for one another. She's made it clear that choosing a relationship with me was the biggest mistake of her life, but it was still my greatest achievement. Even if Arizona doesn't feel the same way, I'll always hold those memories close to me. I'll always remember the happiness and love we shared, even if it was only for a short time.
Those moments were the greatest of my life and they always will be. Her smile. Her perfect breathing as she slept beside me. Her dimples and how they'd pop whenever we spent time together. It may feel like a distant memory, but they'll stay with me forever. I could never let them go. I'll always fall asleep thinking about her. It breaks my heart knowing I lost her for the final time, but she seems happy here. She seems to be exactly where she's supposed to be. Without me.
Maybe one day she will hold more than a thirty-second conversation with me, but I'm not building up my hopes. I'm not allowing myself to get into that kind of moment in my head, only for it to fall apart around me. I've had enough of hoping for something that will never happen. I've had enough of dreaming about Arizona, waking with her arms safely around me. It's only going to send me insane, and when I told her I was failing my classes, I meant it.
I really have fallen behind at university. Sure, I know I can pick myself up and rally, but it seems easier to curl up on the couch every night, crying into my pillow. It seems easier to lie in bed, thinking about her instead of sleeping. It seems easier, but why am I doing this to myself? Why am I ruining my own life, while Arizona lives hers perfectly?
It's just hard, I guess. She has her own place, one that she's made her own. Me? I have the place we were supposed to build a life together. I sleep in the bed that we shared, endless nights of making love forever on my mind, every time I slip inside it. I have the memories I don't want to hold onto in that apartment, but Arizona got the clean break.
She deserves this, though. She deserves all of the accolade and the praise for her abilities as a soccer player. She's not one of the best in the states for no reason. She's got herself there with hard work and determination, and I'll always be proud of her for that. I'll always cheer her on, whether she hates me or not.
The sound of the crowd roaring as the players are introduced to the pitch, I sit back in my seat and hope that this game is over swiftly. Right now, I need to go home and sleep. Right now, I feel like I shouldn't be here.
Sitting in the same seat I have been for almost two hours, the crowd around me has filtered out of the stadium, but my body remains in place. I know I should leave, but I don't want to. Arizona had one hell of a game tonight, scoring two goals on her debut for the team. I know Orlando is going to love her, after all, she's hard not to love.
She's been training alone for ten minutes or so, but then she disappeared back inside. I'm sure she has things going on with the rest of the team, so I'll spend another five minutes here and then I'm headed home. Alone. To my lonely, cold apartment. I know this is all on me, but it still fucking sucks.
My cell buzzing in my pocket, I furrow my brow and remove it. Mom's name flashing on my screen, a small smile curls on my mouth and I hit the accept tab.
"Hey, mom."
"Eliza, where are you?" She asks. "I haven't heard from you all day."
"I was at Arizona's soccer game…"
"Oh."
"No, mom." I roll my eyes. "Not, oh."
"It's good that you went though, no?" Mom tries to dig deeper, but I genuinely have nothing to give her.
"Sure, yeah." I agree. "Arizona had an awesome game and now I'm headed out of the stadium and home…"
"The game finished a while ago…"
"So?" I furrow my brow.
"So, why are you still there?" She asks.
"Figured I'd hang back until the crowd had settled down. No use sitting in traffic."
"No, I guess you're right." Mom sighs. "Well, I was just checking in. Have a safe trip home, honey."
"Thanks, mom. I love you…"
"I love you, too…"
Our call ending, I grab my empty soda container from the floor beside me and stand. My jacket resting over my arm, I check the floor for anything else I may have left before making my way towards the exit.
"You're still here…" Arizona's voice startles me as I focus on my footing.
"Y-Yeah." I glance up, unsure if she's pissed off. "Sorry, I was just leaving."
"Why are you apologizing?" She asks, her forehead creasing.
"Because your game ended a while ago and I'm still sitting here like some fucking stalker." Annoyed that she's caught me here, I shrug my jacket over my shoulders and straighten myself out.
"You got my name on your jersey…"
"Yeah, sorry about that, too." I give her a false smile. "Great game today, see you." Stepping past Arizona, being so close to her leaves me feeling dizzy. Our bodies brushing one another, I try to maintain some kind of composure but it's a struggle.
"Eliza…"
"Mm?" I turn back, facing Arizona fully.
"Thanks for coming." She gives me a sad smile. "I appreciate it."
"I'm sure you didn't even realize I was here…"
"I don't have anyone else here supporting me." She clears her throat. "It means a lot."
"But not enough, right?" A slight laugh falling from my mouth, I can't do this anymore. I can't do anything anymore. I'm fucking up my life at university, and I fucked up my life with Arizona a long time ago. What's the point anymore? Why bother sticking around when nothing ever plans out how it's supposed to? Really, I'm done with this shit. I'm done with everything.
"You know, I was thinking of catching a movie tonight."
"Great, enjoy." I turn to leave.
"Did you want to join me?" Arizona asks, her voice low and unsure.
"Oh, no thanks." I give her an appreciative smile. "I have plans…"
"Oh." Her eyes widen. "I'm sorry." She backtracks. "Good night ahead for you then?"
"For me? No." I shake my head, laughing. "For everyone else? Yeah…the greatest night of their lives."
"Okay, you've lost me." She gives me a look of confusion.
"I know…that happened a long time ago." Stepping up to my ex-girlfriend, I study her face, taking in those beautiful features I miss every day. Lifting her hand, my thumb runs across her knuckles, the softness of her skin sending a shiver down my spine.
"Eliza, what's going on?"
"Just…thank you." I give her a full smile. "For being everything, I ever needed in my life." Pressing a kiss to the back of her hand, my lips linger longer than appropriate. "I know we're beyond repair, but I am sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you."
"Eliza, it's no big deal."
"It is to me…" I squeeze Arizona's hand, my lips pressing against her skin once more. "It is to me, and I'll always regret everything I said to you." One final caress of her skin, I drop her hand and it falls beside her waist. "So, I'm letting you go. I'm letting us go. One final time. No more hurting each other…"
"I-I…"
"Goodbye, Arizona." Wrapping my arms around my ex-girlfriend, my face somehow finds her neck, inhaling her soft scent that I could never mistake for another person's. Pressing my lips to her skin, a tear slips from my eye. "I'll always love you, remember that."
I pull back and out of her embrace. "Eliza, wait!"
"I can't." I give her a full smile. "I have plans."
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.