Yes, he was going there again.
After so many years Tweek still wasn't able to get over him, everyday the pain kept eating away at him.
He was twenty-three now. He lived on his own, far away from his parents' toxicity. His new job was bearable. He could afford groceries every week and rent every month with his wage. He was even starting to work through some of that college debt. It was all there.
Except for the one thing that he really wanted, and nothing could fill that empty spot in his heart. On top of that, the feeling of knowing what could have been still haunted him.
And this was the only way he knew how to make that feeling stop. A quick fix for that empty spot; it wasn't healthy, but at least it was effective.
Upon stepping into the bar he heard the tiny rinkle of the golden bell hanging above the door. He looked around for a brief second before sitting down on a bar stool.
A light tic briefly caused his eye to close and nose to scrunch up up a bit. He always felt uncomfortable doing this during the day time, but he wouldn't dare going home shitfaced when it's dark outside and lord knows what could happen to him. Besides, it's not like he ever caused any trouble when drunk, and no one would really look at him either if he just quietly sat and downed drink after drink until he couldn't remember his own name.
So maybe it was all just in his head, just like everything else was.
Oh how it made him feel like a hypocrite, though. His old, paranoid self would've listed off all the horrible deaths you can die as a result of heavy drinking, yet here we was. Tweek still thought about those outcomes, but it didn't make him hesitant, it just made him feel a little numb inside. Maybe had he listened to his younger self back then, he wouldn't have ended up like this. But it was a little late for that now.
Contrasting his emotions, the atmosphere of the bar was comfortable, probably more so than his own apartment. Although he felt as if he was here more than home at this point anyway.
Here, it felt warm and cozy with the dark green wallpaper and the light oaken furniture. A vase with bright sunflowers were located on each little table, as well as the corners of the bar.
The bartender was still taking the orders of other customers, but he was okay with waiting; it's all he's been doing for the past five years or so. He let out a sigh and his eyes wandered across the glinstering coloured bottles of liquor behind the bar. He carefully read the lables with neat, cursive lettering, the language of the names differing from English, to French, to Spanish, to ones he couldn't even recognise. He realised he hadn't had half of them, not even a quarter of them, but he didn't care much for it, it all ends in the same way.
Tapping his fingers on the oaken bar top, he let out another sigh.
How did he get here? Why did it come to this? How could he have prevented it? He asked these questions to himself, fully well knowing the answers. That day is still imprinted in his memory ever since the moment it left a scar on him. He hadn't been able to even think about getting into relationships since then. Why bother with all the attachment and vulnerability towards someone? That's what that day taught him. Knowing how quickly it could all end.
That's what terrified him the most: how it had all gone by so fast. At the time he barely had the time to realise the words falling out of his mouth by the second. But after he caught up to them, the realisation had settled in so quickly: it was his own fault. If he just hadn't-
His thoughts were interrupted by someone moving the stool next to him back a bit before taking place on the leather cushioning. Tweek's eyebrows furrowed into a frown and he huffed out a breath of air that could've turned into a grumble, had he not controlled himself.
Of all the stools he could've sat down on, this douchebag chose the one next to him.
He looked aside to glance at the man, intending to shoot him a mean stare until maybe he'd switch seats, but the man didn't look back. His head was turned so Tweek couldn't even see his face.
Swallowing his pride, Tweek spoke up, "Hey, uh..." Before another word could leave his mouth, the guy turned his head to him. Upon facing the other, his eyes widened just as much as Tweek's had at that same moment.
"Tweek?"
"Craig?"
They spoke in unison, before staying silent for a second. It was like they needed some time to recognise someone they had known their whole life. Tweek's heart started pounding louder in his chest, his mind absent of thoughts, his mouth absent of words.
Craig broke the silence with a chuckle. "Wow. Tweek, how have you been? Damn, it's been like - what? four, five years now?"
Suddenly the Craig that broke his heart years ago had left Tweek's mind when faced with a brand new one.
The corners of Tweek's mouth formed into a saddened smile on their own, how he had missed his voice...
"Yeah I've- I've been good!" He cheerily exclaimed, hoping it didn't seem too forced. Or like a lie, at that. "How uh...How about you?"
"Well actually," Craig began and started to grin a bit. "I got engaged to my girlfriend a few days ago!"
It was as if Tweek forgot how to breathe for a moment when his words felt like a knife through his chest. He could've sworn he heard his heart shatter into a thousand pieces inside of himself, right then and there.
So soon too? It may have been a couple years since their break up, but Craig was only twenty four. Why was he so quick to get engaged to someone? Why was he doing so much better for himself? Why was he not as caught up on their break up as Tweek was?
His mouth opened... "That's great! Really ngh- really great!" ...words just fell out. It felt like he was vomiting out ingenuine sentence after sentence.
It wasn't what he wanted to say, he wanted to yell, he wanted to cry, he wanted to blame Craig, or anyone else for what happened, but he couldn't. Because it wasn't right. Craig chose to move on and he doesn't have a say in what makes him happy. But it hurt, to see him so happy.
So happy without him. Had Craig even missed him at all?
He clenched tightly onto the fabric of his pants legs, forcing away tears before they were even coming.
Again a silence fell, Tweek still forcing a smile to the point of his jaw hurting.
"So? How has your love life been, hm?" Craig asked in return. He obviously meant it with good intentions but, boy if he knew.
"I...I haven't really like, found anyone just yet." Tweek said with a chuckle and nervously scratched the back of his neck. He quickly stopped and put his hand back down in his lap before Craig would notice. He had already made the abundantly clear he was doing worse than him, he didn't also need to know he hasn't managed to grown out of his unhealthy coping mechanisms. Or that he got more, to boot.
Nevertheless, Craig stayed rather positive, keeping a light grin on his face. "Well, they're all missing out man. It's really their loss."
The insufferable small talk seemed never ending to Tweek. The more they talked the more Tweek had just wished he had gotten wasted at his own place. He would've never seen Craig, he wouldn't have added to the pain by talking about his fiancé - Steph, he said her name was. He knows he should be happy for him, but he just couldn't bring himself to be right now.
He wanted closure if nothing else, but he didn't get any of it. During all their time talking Craig didn't once mention the sour note they had left thing on. It made Tweek feel delusional, as if it all never happened, as if they had never been dating in the first place. But now that he met him again he realised what that lingering ache was he carried with him for years. He still felt for him. Seeing him had just forcefully reignited the flame that Tweek hoped had died out.
For just a second when he saw his face he had hoped Craig maybe felt something like that, too.
It wasn't like Tweek never thought about Craig, in fact quite often. Their break up made relationships seem so breakable to Tweek he didn't dare try anymore, yet he felt like only Craig could fix those trust issues he had caused.
So it felt like a cruel joke of fate, to make him walk right into the man who he wanted to rekindle the relationship with, just to hear he's too late. Too late to have even the slightest of a chance. Too late for closure. Too late to make the pain stop. Maybe it was time to accept that.
After mindlessly going along with whatever topic Craig brought up for about an hour, Tweek had escaped by making the excuse that his shift would start again soon. It was Sunday, he has no shifts on Sunday, but he's come this far by telling false truths, why not one to get out of this misery.
They had exchanged their numbers and addresses. Part of Tweek wished he hadn't done that; he'd probably only see him more and more often, but it was over and done with already, anyway.
The bell rinkled again when he stepped out of the bar, shaking him back into reality. It took the whole walk home to process what just happened. It felt like a dream, or a nightmare rather. But it did happen. He didn't know if he should be happy it did or not.
His dinner tastes bland and his mind was drifting away somewhere. Every time he thought about anything it made him thing about his encounter with Craig, so eventually all thoughts just vanished from his mind. He stared blankly at the TV airing cooking shows until he felt a headache coming on.
And he couldn't sleep until deep in the night either. It had suddenly overwhelmed him when he laid down in bed, like all the thoughts that were flying somewhere in the atmosphere had come crashing back down to Earth. Tissues full of tears were dropped carelessly on the floor or in his bed. Tissues full of happy memories that he could never get back. Ones he has suppressed for years. Until finally it stopped. His breathing calmed and still sobbing softly he finally fell asleep.
He hadn't had dreams for a while, but that was okay. When he did, they were always nightterrors. He'd wake up screaming and upset the neighbours, or in a cold sweat on the floor after falling off his bed, or crying and hyperventilating, wishing for it all to stop. But that wasn't the case today.
Today there were no nightmares, just a comforting darkness. It was calmer there than anywhere else, it just made him want to stay asleep forever.
But he couldn't, he was woken up by the sound of knocking on his door. He groaned at the light shining through his blinds, squeezing his eyes shut again and crawling deeper under the sheets, hoping the person would leave eventually.
His exhausted mind shot between possible visitors.
It couldn't be the landlord, he paid his rent a week ago. As for friends...He didn't have many, not ones that would come over anyway, or knew where he lived to begin with. Still fuzzy from being woken up so early, he didn't even think of someone else.
Unlike he had hoped, they didn't go away. A more aggressive sounding knock was heard all throughout the house. He swallowed the urge to yell at them to go away - or to 'fuck off' rather.
Instead sighing, he sat up in his bed, tissues falling onto the ground at the shift of his sheets. Rubbing his eyes and yawning he stood up and made his way to the door. He hadn't even had his coffee yet, it was too early for this shit.
He unlocked and opened the door, met with the reason his eyes are red and puffy from crying right now. But he wasn't the only one.
In the door opening stood Craig, wiping away tears with frustration, his expression was nothing like yesterday's. He was angry, furious even. But not at Tweek, he could tell that much.
Worrying, he wanted to ask what happened, but Craig already answered before he could get a word out of his mouth.
"The fucking bitch cheated on me."
Furrowing his eyebrows Tweek stayed silent. He didn't know what to say, but he had to say something.
"Do you...wanna come inside?" He asked in a soft voice, opening the door a bit further.
With a wordless nod Craig stepped inside, Tweek closing the door after him and guiding him to his 'humble' living room. They both sat down on the couch, not facing one another. The atmosphere was so much different than yesterday, it was so tense. It made Tweek uncomfortable, Craig knew that, but there was no one else he could turn to.
"Three fucking years..."
Tweek looked up when Craig spoke. Phone in hand, he was trying to dry his tears. He glanced over for a second, seeing he was skimming through old messages of him and Steph.
"Craig, maybe- maybe you should put your phone down. It's not gonna make you feel any better..."
Craig sighed deeply. "I know. I just- I...Fuck." He carelessly dropped his phone a little above the wooden coffee table and held his head in his hands. "I just don't get it. I don't want to still love her after this. So then why can't I not love her?"
Tweek scooted a little closer, putting his hand on his shoulder.
"It um...It takes time."
What could he say here without being a hypocrite? After so many years he still hadn't entirely fallen out of love with Craig either. Even after what he had said.
Skipping the useless and probably further provoking questions of 'with who?' and 'how did you find out?', Craig just got to the case. "I moved in with her half a year ago- I...I don't anywhere else to stay, but I'm gonna have to pack my stuff and leave."
"I uh...You can stay here for a while? It- It might be kinda small here and the couch probably isn't big enough to sleep on, but I -ngh- I might have an air mattress for you to sleep on?"
Craig looked up at him like he had just saved his life with only those words. It wasn't an expression Tweek was used to from him.
"Thank you so much- I..." He tried not to show how upset but also relieved he was, but the tears continuing to roll down his cheeks while he thanked him said enough. "Thank you." He repeated himself.
That same day Craig went to pick up his things while Steph was out of the house. When he put what few bags and boxes he brought back down in Tweek's room he said that he'll leave most of his stuff packed so that he doesn't take up too much space.
Time flew by and Craig had been settled in with Tweek for a couple of days now. It took some getting used to after not having talked for so many years. Yet it didn't feel as awkward as expected, quite the opposite. It brought about a sense of nostalgia; ordering pizza and take-out, watching movies together.
The laughter they shared filled the usual silence Tweek was used to hearing whenever he was home. It was fun, sobering even.
But the nights were tough.
Tweek had hardly slept a minute since Craig moved in. He simply lied awake, glancing at him, remembering old memories he thought he had finally drowned in liquor. Memories of sleepovers when they were kids, staying up to play video games. Or that one sleepover when they were teens and they confessed to one another, or the following ones where they'd fall asleep in each other's arms. Their first kiss, their first dance, their first time together.
It all laid right there before him, lightly snoring on the dark blue air mattress.
Tonight wasn't anything different from the past few nights. Tweek eyed his alarm clock, reading one AM.
He let out a soft sigh, going back to mindlessly staring at Craig. As much as he tried to fight it, he couldn't help but start overthinking.
When he ran into him he seemed so different, so much happier. Maybe he was just unusually happy that day because he got engaged and maybe he's been happy the past few days living with him cause Tweek was his only hope but...he seemed so different from back then.
Tweek entertained the thought that he might've been happier without him dragging him down, but quickly shook it away.
Maybe just got happier the older he got? Maybe he's happier because of his job? Tweek thought for a bit. Craig hadn't actually mentioned anything about his job.
Funny how in the end all his nights came down to this. Watching flashbacks of that day in his mind like a stupid movie. No matter how hard he tried to suppress all the memories, this one was probably stuck on loop. If he ever got send back in time he could mouth along with every line by now.
It was only a few days after graduation. They had been planning this for years now: they would move out of this awful town together as soon as they could. And as far away from Tweek's parents as possible.
They had everything figured out: the perfect spot, just barely affordable, but convenient for both of their routes to the school they wanted to attent. It was the perfect apartment that they would often end up doodling the interior for. They had been planning this since they were freshmen in highschool. Now all they needed was enough money.
It was all going according to plan, until one day Craig told Tweek he had quit his job so he can find a better one now that he has his degree.
Tweek eyebrows furrowed and his expression became panicked.
"Wait are you crazy? We need all the money we can so we can afford that apartment together! Why would you do that, I thought we had a plan?" He raised his voice at him at him.
Craig rolled his eyes, as he had already expected him to freak out. "No, you dont get it, I'll find a new job soon, it's fine. It'll pay even better so don't worry so much." He told him.
"But what if you don't! I thought you said we were gonna move out as soon as we could! And- And if you don't, we'll have to stay here and I'll have to stay here with my fucking parents and-"
Craig was taken aback a little. "Wow, glad to know you have that little faith in me, asshole."
"Urg that's not what this is about! I'm not saying you won't, just- Ngh, we had a plan and you're fucking everything up!"
Craig got angrier. "Oh I'm fucking everything up? Hey, at least I'm trying! Like you could ever pay rent with your little barista gig at your parents' coffee house. God, you've been working there since you were a child. Does everything have to be spoon-fed to you?" He knew how deep those words cut, after all it was the fault of Tweek's parents he was underpaid and used. But right now he didn't really care.
Tweek felt tears prick at his eyes but wouldn't let them fall. Crossed his arms, he leaning forward.
"Urg! You're gonna play it like that? God, you can be such a dickhead!" He stepped in close to him, fire raging in his eyes. Behind his flushed skin one could almost actually see his blood boiling.
"I can do things on my own you know! I- I don't need them, or you, or anyone else! In fact, if I had known you we're gonna fuck over the both of us, I would've just moved out by myself!"
"Damn, okay, Mr Independent. If you can handle it all by yourself, you don't need me anymore! Go move out on your own. We're done."
"Arg, fine! You're fucking insufferable anyway!"
Maybe he didn't realise it at the time, but that would be the last thing he said to Craig until now. After that they never saw or spoke to each other again. It wasn't long until he heard from Clyde that Craig had moved out of town to live on campus. That was the beginning of the end for Tweek.
He didn't know back then that what he said in a fit of rage would be the cause of many lonely nights, crying over that one thing: what if he hadn't said any of that?
It hurt him so deep, but it was too late now. The damage was done. He sighed, almost groaning, and went to turn on his back, but the shifting of his blankets woke Craig.
"You're still up?" He asked with a groggy voice.
Tweek shoulders jerked up a bit in surprise, turning back around to see Craig's eyes were open. "Ah, yeah, can't sleep..."
"Still have sleeping problems?"
It was strange for Tweek to hear that after all these years of not having seen him or spoken to him, he still remembered his issues and also cared about them. That might be pretty hard to forget after having dated since middle school, but it still came as a comforting surprise.
Tweek nodded.
"That's okay, we can talk until you fall asleep. Y'know like old times. Anything on your mind?" Craig asked, smiling kindly.
"Yeah, actually...Um, did you get that 'better job' you said you wanted to?"
Craig sighed and sat up on his mattress. "Heh, I kinda knew this question was coming. No, I didn't. I do have a job but it's nowhere near what I wanted; it's an office job for a phone company. So much for astronomer, huh? It's where I met Steph, actually, she was a client. Which is now another thing I hate about work."
Tweek sat up too now, focused on his hands lying in his lap. "Oh..."
There was some silence before Craig spoke up again. "Actually I should've listened to you." He said.
"What?"
"The day we broke up, I should've listened to you; you were right. I should've kept my job so we could've moved into that nice apartment we found. I'm sorry." He apologised.
Tweek shook his head. "No, I should've believed in you more! Besides, I'm not exactly where I wanted to be either. My parents expanded their business so I work in one of their cafés nearby, so...Yeah, I'm still getting everything er, spoon-fed."
Craig internally cringed hearing the word 'spoon-fed'. He remembered all too well having said that to Tweek.
"At least you're a little further away from them... I'm really sorry about what I said. It was so fucked up to say that after your parents, uh, hurt you like that."
"I know you didn't mean it...And I'm glad to just be away from them even if my job does keep reminding me of them. And I did manage to move out, on my own. It's just the shittiest and cheapest apartment I could afford." Tweek said with a sigh.
"That's exactly why you were right though. If I had kept my job, we would've still been together and we would've had better incomes and a better place to live. We'd both be in a much better place, living happily together in a nice house or something. I wish things had gone differently..."
Tweek nodded in agreement, the words echoing in his head until he realised the deeper meaning of them. He pulled his collar over the bottom half of his face, it scrunching up into a troubled expression but also lightly blushing at the thought that maybe he meant he was willing to give it another shot.
Craig looked at him and frowned. "Wait a second."
"Hm?" Tweek turned to him, letting go of his collar, allowing it to slip back to loosely hanging around his neck.
"Oh c'mon. I know that face all too well, Tweek." He said and leaned into him, making Tweek more flustered. "I've known you for longer than just today. Years in fact"
"What- What do you mean?" He smiled nervously but soon faded. It was difficult to lie to his face like that. He just didn't want to admit it.
"Don't act dumb, Tweek. I've seen that look a million times before. And you always do that thing with your shirt when you feel nervous. Was it what I said about if things had gone differently?" He gulped when Tweek's expression shifted to mild panic and finally asked cautiously. "Do you like...still have feelings for me?"
Tweek widened his eyes and looked away. "Uh- No! Gah maybe? I...I don't know?" He said frantically, still keeping his voice down.
"I'm not saying anything until I hear a straight answer."
Tweek looked at him, a bit saddened. "Well...I-I guess I kinda do. I'm...Shit man, I'm so sorry. When I saw you I realised how much I missed you. It's been really hard since our break up and everyday I just wish I hadn't said all that stupid shit." He felt his breath hitch, his words spilling out more sporadically.
"Ugh- maybe we could've still been together if I just hadn't said all that - everything would've been so much better. I'm the one who messed it all up for us. Fuck, I'm such an idiot, I-" He was interrupted by a pair of soft lips pressing against his.
He his cheeks flushed dark red and his eyes widened. His heartbeat picked up its pace as a wave of a familiar feeling he had misses for years ran down his spine. He quickly allowed himself to relax his tense muscles, closing his eyes and melting again his lips, kissing back shakily. Craig pulled away after some time, smiling like an idiot.
"You should really stop doing that y'know, blaming yourself for everyhing." He mumbled in a playful tone.
"Y...You..." Tweek stammered, his mouth slightly agape.
"Uh yeah. Guess I still kinda liked you too."
With a small grin, Craig remained patient in letting Tweek process what had just happened, like he had always been. He knew Tweek always liked having some extra time to decide how to feel, but he expected when he did, that he would be happy. Instead, Tweek looked at him with a frown and saddened eyes.
Confused, Craig tried to speak up. "What's wro-"
"Craig...Can you tell me something?" Tweek mumbled softly.
"Uh, yeah?"
"If she hadn't cheated on you, would you have chosen her...?"
Now he got it. Of course, Tweek didn't just want to end up just being his second choice after all those years of being together. "...I don't know. But I do know that, when I saw you, I still felt a little something for you. And it hurt a lot. It felt like I had made a mistake- like I had given up on something great in my life. I don't know if that's enough but..."
Finally Tweek confided in him.
"I- Craig I've been...I've been doing awful ever since that day." He looked down in his lap, not wanting to look at Craig when he tells him.
"I've been so miserable. I didn't dare to date anymore, knowing years of commitment could like...Ngh- vanish in ten minutes. I felt really lonely so- so I kinda started drinking -a lot. That's why I was at the bar that day. I was gonna drink my sorrows away again..."
Craig widened his eyes a bit, frowning. He clenched his fists, feeling this was his fault. To some degree maybe it was.
With teary eyes, Tweek looked at him again. "I would forgive you in a heartbeat, I really would. B-But if you really mean it when you say you still have feelings for me I just need to know if you'd be able to love me as much as I'd love you..."
Craig gritted his teeth. Yeah, he wanted to promise him, to stay, to heal with him. He had helped him so much staying distracted from what had happened, it made him want to try again, but after how recently his trust was betrayed he knew he was too scared to right now. And so was Tweek.
He opened his mouth to speak some hesitant words, but he didn't have to when Tweek already spoke before him.
"Ah sorry, I know that's not fair of me to ask, after what happened with you and Steph..." He attempted to dry his tears before they fell over the edge, but he couldn't stop it from happening. After all these years of wanting him back, he himself is the one being hesitant?
"No, no it's okay, I get it. To tell you the truth, I'm still not fully over Steph either, I was just...distracted? And spending time with you just kinda...I felt something I haven't felt in years, not even with Steph. I don't think I ever had that type of connection with her, I got together with her on a whim cause I also felt lonely. I guess I just wanted someone to trust again like I trusted you, but she just...went and took advantage of that."
They exchanged short glances before slowly looking away again.
Neither of them really knew how to go from here. It's like they just chose the wrong option so many years ago, and now they're living out the bad ending of that choice. It felt like a point of no return, neither parting nor getting back together felt like the right decision.
The silence between them lasted for seconds that felt like hours. Like time wasn't continuing as long as they didn't say anything, but it was, and there was a decision to be made. Just...Maybe that decision didn't have to be made right now.
"Okay, tell you what..." Craig started, moving his hand onto the bed to hold Tweek's. "What if we just, like, stay like this for a while? Not in a relationship, but we both know we have feelings for each other and we don't have to pretend like we don't. And we'll just see where it goes from there? Would you like that?"
It wasn't much like Craig to be the optimist, then again Tweek neither, but he looked at it more realistically. They knew they would undoubtedly fall for each other more and more again over time. They would both get to heal with the person they missed and like that they would learn to trust again. They could rebuilt their relationship brick by brick.
Tweek looked over at him. Craig would never forget the smile he gave him that day. Sincere, full of happiness, tears of joy filling his eyes and his cheeks tinted pink, as he said yes.
He wouldn't forget, because that same smile Tweek showed him a few years later. When faced with Craig on his knees and the answer to his question, again, was yes.