It had taken most of the day for Draco to receive a summons from Theo and Blaise telling him they had found her, unarmed and alone, almost as if she had been waiting for them. Draco had told them to go to their old haunt in the forbidden forest while he sorted things out.
He had been angry when he'd left a group of over-enthusiastic recruits who had decided to test their own limits under the imperius curse resulting in the death of three of their number. Draco had not been pleased, not to mind disgusted at this needless bloodlust in a time of war, and had shown his displeasure by using crucio until they had sworn blind they wouldn't do it again. They would recover slowly, their comrades however, would not and Draco used this as his excuse.
All of the anger left him as soon as he arrived to where she was almost comically sitting upright.
"Why are you here, why did you let them find you?" His voice was strained as he stared down at her, he was just so bone tired at this point that even his tone lacked the fury he should have felt.
She laughed without mirth before pulling herself up higher to lean against the stone wall and coughing violently, blood dribbled down her chin.
"I don't know what curse he hit me with, but Blaise is getting sloppy", she wiped her face tiredly. "He didn't even try to talk to me, just cast whatever this is and called for you. Ever their keeper, Draco".
"He didn't want to kill you; he meant to let you bleed out. The curse is a new one, designed to last hours and while it does that, you're supposed to give me information".
"Except, you're not going to make me give you information right?" She coughed some more and managed a weak smile which he couldn't return.
"Do you have any idea what you've done?"
"I know exactly what I've done and what I'm doing, do you think I walked into this blindly. I even chose the spot, it is beautiful isn't it? Sit with me Draco, like old times".
He turned his back to her and cast his eyes around the ruined abbey. It really was a beautiful setting, the fading sunlight filtered through the now empty frames where stained glass windows would have once gleamed proudly. Ivy crawled up the walls and had flowered in certain places giving the place an overwhelmingly calm setting in all the chaos; she had chosen her setting deliberately because he had been here before with her, many times as children and again as adolescents. They had played in these ruins for hours, making it their own secret place.
Draco's shoulders slumped and he lowered his wand, walking slowly back to her and sliding down the wall to sit at her side, taking her hand in his and holding it tightly.
"My parents were married here you know, they literally got married in the ruins of this abbey", she said and he could hear the blood in her lungs gurgling as she spoke. "This is where we would have been married, if you'd ever come around to the idea".
Draco sighed and attempted a smile, "Do you think I would have been able to say no? You're very persuasive, as I found out".
"That was still one of the most romantic nights of my life".
"You had a blanket in that corner and had filled the place with those twinkling lights", Draco smiled pointing to an area under the windows. "Even I was powerless to resist that kind of charm, it was our first time".
"You remember", she said sighing contentedly.
"Always", he replied.
"I love you", she said.
Draco looked at her and knew that there was no sense denying her this small last request. She would know but he would lie anyway, just for her, just for this last time. "I love you too".
"Would you have married me?"
"Yes", he said simply, raising her hand to his lips and kissing it.
She stared at his face for several moments before chuckling softly. "You're such a good liar, I almost believed after that night that you could love me".
"I thought I did myself after that night, it was a wonderful night. You were wonderful".
"You were so skilled, I felt sure you'd done it before. The jealousy was overwhelming".
"You never believed me when I said it was my first time but honestly, even now I'm telling you it was".
"I know, I was so nervous and you were so gentle. I wished we could have done it again but you..."
"I backed off, I know. I didn't want to lead you on but I don't regret that my first time was with you".
"I've done two unselfish things in my life, just two. I helped my parents escape and wiped their memories. They'll live as happy muggles in Wellington, New Zealand".
"Get that idea from someone else? That's plagiarism", he smirked at her surprised that she had given him the information so freely.
"Granger has the occasional good idea I'll admit grudgingly", she answered simply but he could hear the shadow of the jealous schoolgirl she had once been in her reply.
"You know I'll have to say something".
"Don't tell them please, I can't let this be all for nothing Draco", her eyes filled with tears as she stared up at him.
He stared back at her and he wondered if he would be able to lie again, to convince her that he would say nothing and her parents would be safe. He knew though that Pansy's parents had no more wanted to leave than she had made them, had forced them to leave without their knowledge. They would have continued on fighting in this ridiculous war, they would have continued killing and maintained that it was justified. Yes, Draco would lie for Pansy but he had no intention of saving her parents.
"I won't tell them what you did", he said, choosing his words carefully. "It won't all be for nothing".
"Thank you, although you're playing a very dangerous game Draco".
"What's the other unselfish thing?" He asked purely so he could ignore her last comment.
"You're in over your head Draco and the unselfish thing is that I never told anyone of my suspicions. I don't know exactly what you're doing but I know it has something to do with her".
"It makes no difference now".
"You're alone Draco and you have a chance to finally tell someone what you've been doing and you can have the knowledge that just for a short time, someone else is on your side".
"You knew Blaise and Theo would follow you, you knew I would have to tell them to find you".
"I was waiting for you, I thought you would know where to look".
"You hoped I would find you first. It would have been less painful with me", he said rubbing his thumb in circles over her hand.
"I know that but you're avoiding my point. Relieve yourself of your secret Draco and tell me what you're doing", she leaned her head against his shoulder and clenched her stomach in pain gasping and clutching at him with her free hand, he wrapped his arm around her and held her close. "How much time have I got?"
"I won't let it get that far".
"Then tell me".
"I'm a spy".
She let out a breath as he held his and waited.
"You've been giving information to the Order; did you choose her as your contact?"
"How did you...?"
"You know you're predictable to me but nobody else, did you think I wouldn't notice that the person I love is in love with someone else?"
"I wasn't back then, back in school I mean; at least I don't think I was".
"That kiss in the astronomy tower said otherwise".
"You saw that?"
"I love you remember, how many times do I have to say it? I went looking for you that night but she found you first".
"She'd found me many times before but that was the first and only time that we..." He trailed off lamely, waiting for the relief he should feel at having told someone finally what was going on in his life. It never came, how could it when there was only one end for the woman by his side.
"And the memory is burned on your brain? Draco, we had one encounter that final summer before sixth year and do you really think I don't have that seared on my mind? Why would your experience with her be any different?"
She stopped talking to release a spasm of coughing and there was more blood this time. Draco stood to remove his long black coat and wrapped it around her.
"Will you have to leave me here?"
"You know the answer to that; you know I won't have a choice".
"I suppose I was just having a moment of wishful thinking, I should be buried in the family mausoleum".
"I'll put a plaque to you there, I promise you that".
"Just put a yellow rose next to it will you? Old family tradition", she shrugged which brought forth more coughing and yet more blood.
"I can do that".
"Remember me every so often".
"I can do that too".
"Your parents would have been very proud of you Draco, I know how hard it must have been to do what you did but you did the right thing".
"How did you know?"
"I told you already, you're predictable to me. Your father made a lot of mistakes as did your mother but they never stopped loving you. Allowing them to live in that state would have been a disaster and killing them allowed you to live, that would have mattered to them".
She let out a muffled scream at the end of her little speech and Draco knew the curse was taking hold, it was happening faster than usual and he couldn't fathom why, unless Blaise had altered the curse to make it stronger.
Draco kissed her hand, her forehead and rubbed her hair back from her face before getting to his feet.
"Is it time?" she asked tiredly, "I'm so cold".
"I love you", he said it again, trying desperately to let her know that she wasn't alone.
She laughed and smiled up at him, "No, no you don't but thank you all the same".
When he ended her life, he was glad. The truth would die with her and she would be at peace.
The first woman he thought he loved, the first woman he had had sex with, the first person who had loved him outside of his parents.
He stared down at her, smoothed her hair from her face, closed her eyes and then kissed her cheek.
"Sleep well Pans". He cast the dark mark above the abbey and left her body there.
Draco picked up his coat, cleaned it of her blood before throwing it on and placing a steely faced mask on his face. He turned once on the spot and was gone.
"Find her?"
"Yes, I found her. You left her in a pretty sorry state; I could get nothing out of her". Draco continued walking through the forbidden forest until he came to a halt in the clearing beside his friends. He had sent them here before he had arrived at the abbey, knowing they would need a quiet place to talk afterwards.
Blaise frowned at him but his eyes flickered to Theo more than once as he spoke, "That curse takes hours, how long did it take you to get there?"
"I got delayed, cleaning up a mess made by one of the new recruits. It worked quickly on her, I don't know what you did but she was quite well gone by the time I got there".
Draco was clutching at straws but at his words Blaise rounded on Theo clearly unable to keep whatever frustration he had under wraps.
"This is your fault, I told you to let me cast the curse but no, you had to cast it at the same time".
"You mean she got hit with double the dose?" Draco looked between the two of them and thanked whoever was listening for this moment of luck.
"Yea", said Theo shuffling uncomfortably under Draco's gaze. "It was working twice as fast and twice as painfully".
Draco commended Pansy in his head for her pain threshold and her ability to hold it together right until the last. She really was a remarkable woman.
"Did you interrogate her?"
Now both of them took the time to look uncomfortable.
"It didn't feel right torturing her, it was Pansy...like, you get that Draco right? It was Pansy we were facing", Blaise spoke quickly, forcing the words out as if he couldn't quite realise what had happened.
Now Draco knew why they had summoned him so quickly after finding her. They had cast the curse intending not to question her or torture her into submission but leave the dirty work to Draco.
"I know, didn't stop you murdering her though did it?"
"We heard something move and..." Theo trailed off lamely but Draco didn't need him to finish. They had fired the curse at the same time because they hadn't realised she would simply be waiting, she had surprised them and because they had been jumpy to begin with at having to look for their childhood friend, her death had almost been accidental.
In a way, Draco was glad.
"Did she submit to you?" said Blaise.
Draco had a sudden flashback at Blaise's choice of words of peeling away Pansy's dress on that hot summer night and rubbing his fingers down her bare arms as she arched her back into him.
"Yes, her parents have had their memories wiped and are out of England, that's all you need to know for now". Draco looked at his fingernails and began twirling his wand in order to incite apprehension.
"Are you going to tell...are you going to tell him?" Theo blinked rapidly, a sure sign he was nervous. Blaise attempted not to look at Draco but his left eyebrow was twitching, both of them had a tell and it annoyed Draco so much.
"I'm not in the business of saving people like Pansy's parents so yes I'm going to tell him but whatever else I choose to tell him is up to me", he rubbed his hands through his hair. "If you're going to be frightened, learn how to hide it better. I've told you before that you have tells and they are getting more and more noticeable".
"Editing is dangerous, even for you" said Blaise narrowing his eyes.
"Would you rather I told him all of it? I'm offering to edit to make life easier for both of you, an offer I can easily retract", said Draco warningly, his eyes flashing.
"Look what we've become!" screamed Theo suddenly making Draco and Blaise jolt. "Everything we touch turns to ash, I'm in hell...this...all of this is hell and Pansy is dead because she tried to leave this bloody mess!"
"Theo..." said Blaise warningly flicking his gaze towards Draco who felt a surge of annoyance at the move because it meant that his one time friends were keeping secrets from him, no longer sure if they could trust him.
"No, I can't do this anymore, Draco, kill me if you have to for even saying this but I can't take it anymore", Theo was still yelling and it took a quick second for Draco to grab his neck and shove him against the nearest tree.
"You listen to me because I'll only say this once", Draco was speaking slowly and through gritted teeth. "We're all only hanging by a thread and you don't get to fall apart. Not now, not yet. I'm going to edit this story so that you and Blaise don't sound like the cowards he will think you are if I tell him the truth. Pansy is gone and the thing is, I'm glad. She's out of this mess and won't have to spend the rest of her life looking back over her shoulder".
"Draco...I can't...breath", said Theo, his face slowly turning purple.
Draco released him and turned his back, "I have to go and meet him, I have an appointment and by the time I come back, you'll have burnt that goddamn abbey and Pansy's body to ash".
"No problem, look things got a bit heated but it's just because someone we all knew very well turned traitor and died, that's all", said Blaise finally coming forward to lean a hand on Theo's shoulder. "But we're all good, right Draco?"
Draco looked between them and realised for the first time that his friends were trying to get out of this just as much as Pansy had been. He wondered if he would stop them when the time came and realised that he probably wouldn't. However, he couldn't let them try just yet; he still needed them.
"Yes, we're all good. I'll send one or two of the new recruits to help you burn down that place", said Draco knowing they would understand that he was going to have them supervised.
"Is that necessary?"
"For now but don't worry, it won't always be. We're going to catch up properly again very soon", said Draco fixing the collar on his coat.
"What will you say to him?"
"That's up to me and you will say nothing to the recruits when they ask what Pansy did, you will play it up, call her whatever names you have to and you can say that you once knew her but her name will not cross your lips and you will not talk about how she died. The recruits must have no information to contradict the story I choose to tell him, understood?"
"Yes", they said in unison.
"Good, now steel your faces. I'm sick of having to tell you both how transparent you are", Draco rubbed a hand threw his hair before turning on the spot.
He needed a moment to compose himself before he met Voldemort so he apparated deliberately to the mausoleum three miles from the ruined remains of the Parkinson house. After he had erected the plaque and stuck a permanent yellow rose to the cold marble, he got down on his knees and screamed, as only a drowning man could do.
He screamed for her loss, for the loss of his own innocence and for the loss of a world where he had lived in naive stupidity.
He screamed because crying was out of the question and deep in the recesses of this hell nobody could hear him.